The late Senator Jesse Helms told reporters in a hastily assembled Durham, North Carolina seance that "Heaven is desegregated, which is morally wrong, and I'm not staying."
He made immediate plans to return to Earth, insisting to God that he be placed in America in the "late 1930s at the latest, when life was good and people knew their place, if you know what I mean."
Helms said that he was "extremely disappointed with God" for allowing black and white souls to mingle in public places in heaven, including swimming pools, water fountains, public transportation, and movie theaters.
"Doesn't God read His own book?" Helms asked plaintively. "The lion doesn't lie down with the lamb, and I don't lie down with anybody. I'm coming back."
God was not immediately available for comment.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Charlie Crist Engaged; Also Cleans Out Garage and Gets Rid of Dirty Magazines
Florida Governor Charlie Crist angrily denied rumors that he had become engaged just to be more acceptable as a potential Republican Vice Presidential candidate, at a hastily arranged Tallahassee news conference.
He also angrily denied having cleaned out his garage, cancelling his subscription to Penthouse, getting a bikini wax, quitting the Tallahassee swingers club "Manhole" and hiring a team of teenage Internet experts to expunge from Google all information about his political record and personal life.
"I resent the idea that people think I'm changing my lifestyle or getting married just because I want to be Vice President," Crist told reporters. "My fiancee and I are marrying out of true love."
Governor Crist's fiancee, who decided to move to the United States from the Ukraine "approximately eleven hours ago," according to Crist, speaks no English and reportedly only met Crist after he downloaded multiple photographs and videos of her from an Internet website he accessed at a Kinko's near the Governor's Mansion in Tallahassee.
"I believe in love at first sight," Crist told reporters. "Svetlana and I have not known each other very long. In fact, we don't know each other at all. But she is the woman of my dreams, and the fact that her semi-nude photos have been downloaded from the Internet at the rate of approximately 10,000 times an hour in no way diminish my love and respect for her."
Political observers had angered Crist by commenting that the 51-year-old bachelor would have an easier time gaining the Vice Presidential spot on the Republican ticket if he were married.
Crist suggested that the allegation that he was "turning his entire life upside down, just for the sake of poll numbers," in the words of one expert, were "total poppycock."
"Svetlana is clearly a good Christian woman," Crist said, "despite her past as photography model and escort for important and wealthy Russian businessmen and leading Russian politicians. In fact, I see that past as a plus, as she will be able to provide the McCain administration with valuable insights into the private lives of Russian leaders. She's kind of a walking Rolodex of the Kremlin, if you catch my drift."
When asked how he could be so certain that Svetlana would be the ideal mate for a sitting Governor and potential Vice Presidential candidate, even though they had yet to meet face-to-face, due to a delay in her connecting flight from Kiev to Moscow, Crist told reporters, "It's what my grandmother used to tell me: be optimistic. Love will come."
He also angrily denied having cleaned out his garage, cancelling his subscription to Penthouse, getting a bikini wax, quitting the Tallahassee swingers club "Manhole" and hiring a team of teenage Internet experts to expunge from Google all information about his political record and personal life.
"I resent the idea that people think I'm changing my lifestyle or getting married just because I want to be Vice President," Crist told reporters. "My fiancee and I are marrying out of true love."
Governor Crist's fiancee, who decided to move to the United States from the Ukraine "approximately eleven hours ago," according to Crist, speaks no English and reportedly only met Crist after he downloaded multiple photographs and videos of her from an Internet website he accessed at a Kinko's near the Governor's Mansion in Tallahassee.
"I believe in love at first sight," Crist told reporters. "Svetlana and I have not known each other very long. In fact, we don't know each other at all. But she is the woman of my dreams, and the fact that her semi-nude photos have been downloaded from the Internet at the rate of approximately 10,000 times an hour in no way diminish my love and respect for her."
Political observers had angered Crist by commenting that the 51-year-old bachelor would have an easier time gaining the Vice Presidential spot on the Republican ticket if he were married.
Crist suggested that the allegation that he was "turning his entire life upside down, just for the sake of poll numbers," in the words of one expert, were "total poppycock."
"Svetlana is clearly a good Christian woman," Crist said, "despite her past as photography model and escort for important and wealthy Russian businessmen and leading Russian politicians. In fact, I see that past as a plus, as she will be able to provide the McCain administration with valuable insights into the private lives of Russian leaders. She's kind of a walking Rolodex of the Kremlin, if you catch my drift."
When asked how he could be so certain that Svetlana would be the ideal mate for a sitting Governor and potential Vice Presidential candidate, even though they had yet to meet face-to-face, due to a delay in her connecting flight from Kiev to Moscow, Crist told reporters, "It's what my grandmother used to tell me: be optimistic. Love will come."
Thursday, July 3, 2008
World: We’ll Forgive You For Iraq If You’ll Just Like Soccer
A spokesman for the United Nations told a hastily assembled Geneva, Switzerland news conference that “The world will forgive the United States for its reckless, pointless Iraq War if the United States would only just embrace soccer.”
Gunter Federkorn, chair of the United Nations International Sports Federation, told reporters that the other nations of the world “suffer from a collective lack of self-esteem because you think soccer is a stupid game played by poor people. Okay, it may not be as tactically complex as American football, but it’s no stupider than, say, ice hockey.”
Federkorn said that the rest of the world “felt bad” that Americans had never responded to the world’s most popular sport, despite the recent arrival of soccer star David Beckham and his wife, a former singer.
“On the other hand,” Federkorn said, “the rest of the world feels that the United States is incredibly stupid for having a war in Iraq without having a plan for what to do after declaring victory. So what’s stupider, us liking soccer or you guys having that dumb war?”
Federkorn said the United Nations was interested in brokering an international treaty of non-stupidity-believing, in which other nations of the world would try to keep a straight face while repeating President Bush’s claim that the war was justifiable and Senator John McCain’s claim that the war was winnable, in exchange for Americans “getting up really early in the morning, say around five a.m., going to a local pub or bar, and watching a friendly between, say, Jamaica and Italy.
“The point is that we all sometimes like dumb things,” Federkorn said. “We like watching eleven men kicking a ball around and maybe there will be a goal or two scored, and maybe there will be that mysterious ‘extra time’ that our referees sometimes add. You like interfering with thousand-year-old tribal disagreements in a nation half a world away. Can’t we all just get along?”
Gunter Federkorn, chair of the United Nations International Sports Federation, told reporters that the other nations of the world “suffer from a collective lack of self-esteem because you think soccer is a stupid game played by poor people. Okay, it may not be as tactically complex as American football, but it’s no stupider than, say, ice hockey.”
Federkorn said that the rest of the world “felt bad” that Americans had never responded to the world’s most popular sport, despite the recent arrival of soccer star David Beckham and his wife, a former singer.
“On the other hand,” Federkorn said, “the rest of the world feels that the United States is incredibly stupid for having a war in Iraq without having a plan for what to do after declaring victory. So what’s stupider, us liking soccer or you guys having that dumb war?”
Federkorn said the United Nations was interested in brokering an international treaty of non-stupidity-believing, in which other nations of the world would try to keep a straight face while repeating President Bush’s claim that the war was justifiable and Senator John McCain’s claim that the war was winnable, in exchange for Americans “getting up really early in the morning, say around five a.m., going to a local pub or bar, and watching a friendly between, say, Jamaica and Italy.
“The point is that we all sometimes like dumb things,” Federkorn said. “We like watching eleven men kicking a ball around and maybe there will be a goal or two scored, and maybe there will be that mysterious ‘extra time’ that our referees sometimes add. You like interfering with thousand-year-old tribal disagreements in a nation half a world away. Can’t we all just get along?”
LA Times’ Last Reader Cancels Subscription; Paper Folds
“It’s time to end this miserable charade,” L.A. Times owner Sam Zell told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills news conference. “The Los Angeles Times has lost its last subscriber. As they say in Hollywood, it’s a wrap.”
Zell bought the Times last year and when the circulation was still over 1,000,000 readers daily. The collapse of the southern California real estate market, an important source of advertising, combined with the slowing national economy, led to a gradual loss of all subscribers since the beginning of 2008.
“It’s too bad, because it’s a really good paper,” Zell said. “It’s been a tough year. First we had to lay off all but two reporters, one for general news and one for sports. Then we had to reprint real estate sections from two years ago, with the prices marked down considerably, just to make the paper look thick enough.
“Then we had to lay off all our drivers, except the one who had our last subscriber, who was out in Rancho Cucamonga. Every morning, that poor bastard had to drive all the way to that place, wherever the hell it is, maybe out by Lake Elsinore. Going out was easy, because he was leaving at four in the morning. But the ride home was horrible, because he was in rush hour traffic. But what are you gonna do? That subscriber was the last of our revenue.”
Zell said the LATimes.com website would remain available, although readers would now be free to post stories “like on that new website, Wikipedia. If you find out about a traffic jam, let us know. One thing you can count on—you won’t be breathing exhaust from our trucks any longer. It’s the end of an era.”
The L.A. Times’ final subscriber, Everett Holcumb of 16215 Sandford Lane, Rancho Cucamonga, told the Dissociated Press, "I had no idea I was the last one. I liked the paper a lot. It's just that the delivery guy kept throwing it under my car."
Zell bought the Times last year and when the circulation was still over 1,000,000 readers daily. The collapse of the southern California real estate market, an important source of advertising, combined with the slowing national economy, led to a gradual loss of all subscribers since the beginning of 2008.
“It’s too bad, because it’s a really good paper,” Zell said. “It’s been a tough year. First we had to lay off all but two reporters, one for general news and one for sports. Then we had to reprint real estate sections from two years ago, with the prices marked down considerably, just to make the paper look thick enough.
“Then we had to lay off all our drivers, except the one who had our last subscriber, who was out in Rancho Cucamonga. Every morning, that poor bastard had to drive all the way to that place, wherever the hell it is, maybe out by Lake Elsinore. Going out was easy, because he was leaving at four in the morning. But the ride home was horrible, because he was in rush hour traffic. But what are you gonna do? That subscriber was the last of our revenue.”
Zell said the LATimes.com website would remain available, although readers would now be free to post stories “like on that new website, Wikipedia. If you find out about a traffic jam, let us know. One thing you can count on—you won’t be breathing exhaust from our trucks any longer. It’s the end of an era.”
The L.A. Times’ final subscriber, Everett Holcumb of 16215 Sandford Lane, Rancho Cucamonga, told the Dissociated Press, "I had no idea I was the last one. I liked the paper a lot. It's just that the delivery guy kept throwing it under my car."
Report: Many Olympic Hopefuls Have Heartwarming Personal Stories
Many athletes hoping to compete this summer on the U.S. Olympic Team in Beijing have heartwarming personal stories, a USA Olympics spokesperson told a hastily assembled Colorado Springs news conference, and many have even “overcome long odds” to make the team.
“Our athletes come from broken homes, divorced homes, and in a few cases, no homes at all,” Martha Segerstrom told reporters. “Some of them actually grew up in large cardboard boxes amid the tumbleweeds adjacent to their running tracks.”
“One of our athletes won a marathon in high school on two broken legs, while pushing his ailing grandmother in a wheelchair,” Segerstrom said. “I mean, how heartwarming is that?”
Other athletes “grew up in unheated log cabins in northern Minnesota,” Segerstrom noted, “did not eat until they were nine years old, were abused by their entire communities, and another was not allowed to speak until she was 12. And yet, now they’re on their way to represent America in Beijing.”
Segerstrom heatedly denied accusations that the touching stories of the athletes’ lives had been exaggerated, in order to draw attention to the Summer Olympics, which typically lose out in ratings battles to shows like American Idol and Survivor.
The Summer Olympics mostly focuses on sports to which Americans pay little attention, including track and field, equestrian events, and swimming. Some observers have suggested that the touching and heartwarming personal stories have been enhanced in order to create rapport between television viewers and unknown athletes.
“It’s not about ratings,” Segerstrom insisted. “It’s about letting Americans know that when it comes to athletes who have been gone through hell to get to the Olympics, countries like China and Russia have nothing on us.”
“Our athletes come from broken homes, divorced homes, and in a few cases, no homes at all,” Martha Segerstrom told reporters. “Some of them actually grew up in large cardboard boxes amid the tumbleweeds adjacent to their running tracks.”
“One of our athletes won a marathon in high school on two broken legs, while pushing his ailing grandmother in a wheelchair,” Segerstrom said. “I mean, how heartwarming is that?”
Other athletes “grew up in unheated log cabins in northern Minnesota,” Segerstrom noted, “did not eat until they were nine years old, were abused by their entire communities, and another was not allowed to speak until she was 12. And yet, now they’re on their way to represent America in Beijing.”
Segerstrom heatedly denied accusations that the touching stories of the athletes’ lives had been exaggerated, in order to draw attention to the Summer Olympics, which typically lose out in ratings battles to shows like American Idol and Survivor.
The Summer Olympics mostly focuses on sports to which Americans pay little attention, including track and field, equestrian events, and swimming. Some observers have suggested that the touching and heartwarming personal stories have been enhanced in order to create rapport between television viewers and unknown athletes.
“It’s not about ratings,” Segerstrom insisted. “It’s about letting Americans know that when it comes to athletes who have been gone through hell to get to the Olympics, countries like China and Russia have nothing on us.”
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
California Weighs Alternatives to “Dysfunctional” Death Penalty Process
Governor Arnold Schwartzneggar told a hastily assembled Sacramento news conference that California must find alternatives to its death penalty process, declared “dysfunctional” by a state commission this week.
“We aren’t killing enough people,” Schwartzneggar admitted. “We can do better.”
The commission said that California could save $100 million a year if it repaired or abandoned its current approach to the death penalty, which takes on average 17 years from sentencing to killing, compared with a national average of 10 years.
“First, we must make better use of the inmates’ skills,” Schwartzneggar told reporters. “Remember that most of them have been convicted of murder. So we could have them killing each other, at a much lower cost. I mean, $100 million a year? Some of these guys killed for as little as fifty bucks.
“Second,” Schwartzneggar said, “we have horrible cost overruns on our new death row at San Quentin--$400 million instead of $220 million. And with the high cost of gas, operating a gas chamber will be even more expensive.
“So we can go back to more traditional, and in my opinion, more humane ways of executing prisoners, such as throwing them from the tops of prisons, and turn the new death row into condos. The gas chamber could be turned into a sauna for the remaining prisoners or something like that.”
The panel also noted that California has an extremely large number of crimes that carry the death penalty. “Maybe there are alternatives that we can explore to the death penalty for some of these crimes,” Schwartzneggar suggested. “Just make them move to Sacramento. In my experience, that’s punishment enough.”
“We aren’t killing enough people,” Schwartzneggar admitted. “We can do better.”
The commission said that California could save $100 million a year if it repaired or abandoned its current approach to the death penalty, which takes on average 17 years from sentencing to killing, compared with a national average of 10 years.
“First, we must make better use of the inmates’ skills,” Schwartzneggar told reporters. “Remember that most of them have been convicted of murder. So we could have them killing each other, at a much lower cost. I mean, $100 million a year? Some of these guys killed for as little as fifty bucks.
“Second,” Schwartzneggar said, “we have horrible cost overruns on our new death row at San Quentin--$400 million instead of $220 million. And with the high cost of gas, operating a gas chamber will be even more expensive.
“So we can go back to more traditional, and in my opinion, more humane ways of executing prisoners, such as throwing them from the tops of prisons, and turn the new death row into condos. The gas chamber could be turned into a sauna for the remaining prisoners or something like that.”
The panel also noted that California has an extremely large number of crimes that carry the death penalty. “Maybe there are alternatives that we can explore to the death penalty for some of these crimes,” Schwartzneggar suggested. “Just make them move to Sacramento. In my experience, that’s punishment enough.”
Spokeschild: “We Told You Tomatoes Were No Good”
A 7-year-old spokeschild for America’s 73 million children today told a hastily assembled Vidalia, California news conference, that America’s children had already told their parents that tomatoes were “bad for you” and “yucky.”
“The salmonella outbreak comes as no surprise to any of us under the age of 12,” Jason Schaumberg, founder of Kids Against Vegetables, told reporters. “We’ve been telling our parents for years that tomatoes are disgusting.”
When asked by a reporter how children responded to the claim that tomatoes, like all vegetables, were in fact “good for you,” Schaumberg scrunched up his face and explained that he, like most children, “hated” vegetables.
“We have nothing against tomato growers and stuff,” Schaumberg said. “But we’re actually kind of hoping that the salmonella outbreak spreads to other types of vegetables, especially celery and spinach. Spinach sucks.”
A reporter asked Schaumberg if he was allowed to use that kind of language at home, and whether he considered it appropriate as the head of an organization purporting to represent 73 million children.
“None of your beeswax,” Schaumberg told the assembled media. “You’re not my parents. You can’t make me.”
Asked whether he and other children might be at risk for diseases like scurvy, which can be traced to a lack of vegetables in the diet, Schaumberg replied, “Pirates don’t eat vegetables, and they don’t get scurvy. We’ve actually hired research scientists to look into other possible dangers to children, such as limiting the amount of time we can use our PlayStations and iPods, early bedtime, and school. Today, tomatoes. Tomorrow… babysitters and substitute teachers. We’re just coming into our power."
Schaumberg ended the press conference early, citing a need to go to the little boy's room.
“The salmonella outbreak comes as no surprise to any of us under the age of 12,” Jason Schaumberg, founder of Kids Against Vegetables, told reporters. “We’ve been telling our parents for years that tomatoes are disgusting.”
When asked by a reporter how children responded to the claim that tomatoes, like all vegetables, were in fact “good for you,” Schaumberg scrunched up his face and explained that he, like most children, “hated” vegetables.
“We have nothing against tomato growers and stuff,” Schaumberg said. “But we’re actually kind of hoping that the salmonella outbreak spreads to other types of vegetables, especially celery and spinach. Spinach sucks.”
A reporter asked Schaumberg if he was allowed to use that kind of language at home, and whether he considered it appropriate as the head of an organization purporting to represent 73 million children.
“None of your beeswax,” Schaumberg told the assembled media. “You’re not my parents. You can’t make me.”
Asked whether he and other children might be at risk for diseases like scurvy, which can be traced to a lack of vegetables in the diet, Schaumberg replied, “Pirates don’t eat vegetables, and they don’t get scurvy. We’ve actually hired research scientists to look into other possible dangers to children, such as limiting the amount of time we can use our PlayStations and iPods, early bedtime, and school. Today, tomatoes. Tomorrow… babysitters and substitute teachers. We’re just coming into our power."
Schaumberg ended the press conference early, citing a need to go to the little boy's room.
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