“We had no idea,” gay rights activist and spokesman Tod Lupernach told a hastily assembled Bay Area press conference, confirming rumors that the entire gay/lesbian/transgender/whatever community had decided against seeking to solemnize their relationships through the concept of marriage.
“I mean, we’re grateful to the California Supreme Court for its courage and everything,” Lupernach said, “but we just didn’t realize how awful marriage really was. I mean, the constant fighting, negotiating, and bickering. No wonder married heterosexual people are just the most miserable people we’ve ever seen.”
The California Supreme Court recently rocked the nation with its bold decision to permit gay marriage in the state and gave counties just one month to rewrite marriage license documents in order to comply with its ruling. “Yeah, but…thanks but no thanks,” Lupernach said.
“On behalf of gays and lesbians everywhere,” Lupernach told reporters, “our hearts go out to the millions of married heterosexual Americans. We truly never understood the suffering that your sexual orientation and the nature of your committed relationships entails. We believe that the ruling permitting gay marriage, although not something we really want the slightest part of, will go a long way toward eradicating heterophobia among some of the less open-minded members of our community.”
Lupernach said that gays almost universally accepted the church doctrine of “hating the sin [of heterosexual marriage] and loving the sinners [married heterosexuals]. We believe that they are acting out of a misguided sense of a need to justify their sexuality as a lifestyle. We believe in choice. We just don’t think it’s the right choice for us.”
Lupernach said that he has seen stirrings of a “Miserable Rights” movement for married heterosexuals similar to the Gay Rights movement. “Maybe the court ruling will be their Stonewall.”
Friday, June 13, 2008
Hillary Intends To Keep Nomination Fight Alive Through 2013
After losing key battles for Michigan and Florida delegates, Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton vowed to keep her campaign for the 2008 nomination alive through at least Inauguration Day, 2013.
“The people have spoken,” Senator Clinton told a hastily assembled news conference in San Juan, Puerto Rico, home to the final delegate caucus this Saturday. “But the really important people like the superdelegates haven’t spoken, and they reflect the will of the regular people even more than the regular people themselves.”
The press conference in San Juan, slated to discuss issues related to economic recovery on the island, took on national significance when the Senator revealed her post-election plans.
“I will carry my campaign to the White House doorstep and live in a pup tent outside the Rose Garden,” Clinton told bewildered reporters. “I won’t be that much of a bother, and whoever wins, whether it’s McCain or that bastard who’s stealing my presidency from me, will hardly notice me.”
Clinton explained that if she did not spend the next four years in close physical proximity to the Oval Office, she would be disenfranchising the dozens of superdelegates who had not yet yielded to arguments of her superior political electability, bags of cash and cocaine, or physical threats from her husband, former President Bill Clinton.
“I didn’t put up with Monica just to get the Presidency of the Senate as a consolation prize,” Hillary told reporters. “If I can’t be in, or at least, near, the West Wing, I will be disenfranchising every person in America who hung in there with a philandering spouse for reasons of personal, political, or financial gain.”
In the event that Senator Clinton is evicted from the White House grounds, she said that given the $107 million she earned since the end of her husband’s Presidency, she might put in an offer to buy the White House from the Federal Government.
“If I can’t buy the election,” she replied in an answer to a reporter’s question, “I can always buy the building, can’t I? If I didn’t, I would be disenfranchising dozens of deca-millionaires who have their own dreams of buying parts of the federal government, and this is a step my conscience would never permit.”
“The people have spoken,” Senator Clinton told a hastily assembled news conference in San Juan, Puerto Rico, home to the final delegate caucus this Saturday. “But the really important people like the superdelegates haven’t spoken, and they reflect the will of the regular people even more than the regular people themselves.”
The press conference in San Juan, slated to discuss issues related to economic recovery on the island, took on national significance when the Senator revealed her post-election plans.
“I will carry my campaign to the White House doorstep and live in a pup tent outside the Rose Garden,” Clinton told bewildered reporters. “I won’t be that much of a bother, and whoever wins, whether it’s McCain or that bastard who’s stealing my presidency from me, will hardly notice me.”
Clinton explained that if she did not spend the next four years in close physical proximity to the Oval Office, she would be disenfranchising the dozens of superdelegates who had not yet yielded to arguments of her superior political electability, bags of cash and cocaine, or physical threats from her husband, former President Bill Clinton.
“I didn’t put up with Monica just to get the Presidency of the Senate as a consolation prize,” Hillary told reporters. “If I can’t be in, or at least, near, the West Wing, I will be disenfranchising every person in America who hung in there with a philandering spouse for reasons of personal, political, or financial gain.”
In the event that Senator Clinton is evicted from the White House grounds, she said that given the $107 million she earned since the end of her husband’s Presidency, she might put in an offer to buy the White House from the Federal Government.
“If I can’t buy the election,” she replied in an answer to a reporter’s question, “I can always buy the building, can’t I? If I didn’t, I would be disenfranchising dozens of deca-millionaires who have their own dreams of buying parts of the federal government, and this is a step my conscience would never permit.”
Obama Taps Lewinsky For Veep; Claims It’s “Nothing Personal”
Presumptive Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama today
tapped former Bill Clinton paramour Monica Lewinsky as his Vice
Presidential Candidate, informing a hastily assembled Washington
press conference that the choice was "Nothing personal."
"I stand for change," said Obama, "and Ms. Lewinsky represented a
change for President Clinton from some of the other women he had
been involved with. So she stands for change, too."
Supporters of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton quickly denounced the
move as "tacky" and "beneath the dignity of the Presidential office.
An Obama spokesman replied that "former President Clinton had long
ago proven that nothing was beneath the dignity of the Presidential
office."
Obama told reporters that the primaries showed decisively that the
American people supported the idea of a female Presidential
candidate, which is what led him to choose Lewinsky for the role of
Vice President.
"She has served in the Oval Office," Obama told reporters. "How many
other women can say as much? Okay, possibly dozens or even
hundreds, while Bill Clinton was in there. But I'm not bitter or angry
at Hillary. She ran a great campaign, and just because I had to raise
and spend close to $60 million to lose embarrassing races in states
like Ohio and West Virginia in no way has made me feel bitter."
Lewinsky, Obama said, would appeal to a younger demographic. Her
nearly blank political record made her an ideal Vice Presidential
candidate, he said.
"Since nothing is known about her views," Obama said, "no one can
claim that her views are contrary to mine, because no one knows
what my views are, either. I'm just glad to have the primaries behind me."
Obama told reporters that prior to his choice of Lewinsky, he had
received "approximately 40 to 50" text messages and missed calls
from Sen. Clinton's cell phone, but none any later.
"I expect Sen. Clinton to stand by my Presidency," Obama said, "and
my choice of women, just as she did for Bill's."
tapped former Bill Clinton paramour Monica Lewinsky as his Vice
Presidential Candidate, informing a hastily assembled Washington
press conference that the choice was "Nothing personal."
"I stand for change," said Obama, "and Ms. Lewinsky represented a
change for President Clinton from some of the other women he had
been involved with. So she stands for change, too."
Supporters of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton quickly denounced the
move as "tacky" and "beneath the dignity of the Presidential office.
An Obama spokesman replied that "former President Clinton had long
ago proven that nothing was beneath the dignity of the Presidential
office."
Obama told reporters that the primaries showed decisively that the
American people supported the idea of a female Presidential
candidate, which is what led him to choose Lewinsky for the role of
Vice President.
"She has served in the Oval Office," Obama told reporters. "How many
other women can say as much? Okay, possibly dozens or even
hundreds, while Bill Clinton was in there. But I'm not bitter or angry
at Hillary. She ran a great campaign, and just because I had to raise
and spend close to $60 million to lose embarrassing races in states
like Ohio and West Virginia in no way has made me feel bitter."
Lewinsky, Obama said, would appeal to a younger demographic. Her
nearly blank political record made her an ideal Vice Presidential
candidate, he said.
"Since nothing is known about her views," Obama said, "no one can
claim that her views are contrary to mine, because no one knows
what my views are, either. I'm just glad to have the primaries behind me."
Obama told reporters that prior to his choice of Lewinsky, he had
received "approximately 40 to 50" text messages and missed calls
from Sen. Clinton's cell phone, but none any later.
"I expect Sen. Clinton to stand by my Presidency," Obama said, "and
my choice of women, just as she did for Bill's."
Genealogist: Lou Dobbs’ Great-Grandfather Was Illegal Immigrant
An amateur genealogist told a hastily assembled Salt Lake City press conference that Lou Dobbs’ paternal great-grandfather, Richard Preston Dobbs, emigrated illegally from Ireland to the United States in 1882.
Fred Newman, an actuary who “dabbles” in genealogy, presented census reports, police records, a passenger ship manifest, and church birth records from County Kildare, Ireland, indicating that Dobbs “slipped illegally into the United States, primarily for economic reasons.”
Employment opportunities in late 19th-century Ireland, even for highly educated individuals like Richard Preston Dobbs, were severely limited. R.P. Dobbs had worked as a dockworker, dishwasher, and sheep shearer in County Monaghan in what is now Northern Ireland. Dissatisfied with his economic future, R.P. Dobbs caught a tramp steamer heading for Mexico and jumped ship in Corpus Christi, Texas, where he disembarked “without proper documentation,” according to genealogist Newman.
“At the time,” Newman said, “restrictions on illegal immigrants, today often called ‘undocumented’ immigrants, found it relatively easy to slip through the cracks, enter society, and find work. According to my research, Richard Preston Dobbs immediately found a job as a ranch hand on a large blueberry farm outside Nacogdoches, Texas. Within five years, he was a field boss on the farm, and two years later, he married a daughter of the owner of the farm.”
Newman said that R.D. Dobbs sent money back to his family in Ireland, paid taxes, took part in community affairs including barn raisings, the local militia, and raising money to build a new schoolhouse.
When reached for comment, CNN correspondent Lou Dobbs said, “My position on illegal immigration is well-known, but in the case of personal relatives, I am willing to make an occasional exception.”
Fred Newman, an actuary who “dabbles” in genealogy, presented census reports, police records, a passenger ship manifest, and church birth records from County Kildare, Ireland, indicating that Dobbs “slipped illegally into the United States, primarily for economic reasons.”
Employment opportunities in late 19th-century Ireland, even for highly educated individuals like Richard Preston Dobbs, were severely limited. R.P. Dobbs had worked as a dockworker, dishwasher, and sheep shearer in County Monaghan in what is now Northern Ireland. Dissatisfied with his economic future, R.P. Dobbs caught a tramp steamer heading for Mexico and jumped ship in Corpus Christi, Texas, where he disembarked “without proper documentation,” according to genealogist Newman.
“At the time,” Newman said, “restrictions on illegal immigrants, today often called ‘undocumented’ immigrants, found it relatively easy to slip through the cracks, enter society, and find work. According to my research, Richard Preston Dobbs immediately found a job as a ranch hand on a large blueberry farm outside Nacogdoches, Texas. Within five years, he was a field boss on the farm, and two years later, he married a daughter of the owner of the farm.”
Newman said that R.D. Dobbs sent money back to his family in Ireland, paid taxes, took part in community affairs including barn raisings, the local militia, and raising money to build a new schoolhouse.
When reached for comment, CNN correspondent Lou Dobbs said, “My position on illegal immigration is well-known, but in the case of personal relatives, I am willing to make an occasional exception.”
Shadowy Internet Splinter Group Blames 9/11 on Siegfried and Roy
9/11TrueFacts.Org, a heretofore unknown Internet-based political action group, today held a hastily arranged news conference to go public with evidence that the 9/11 attacks were actually the responsibility of long-time Las Vegas magicians Siegfried and Roy.
“We want to place the facts before the American public and let them decide,” Vernon Eggleston told reporters. “9/11 didn’t happen the way most people think. Those two Vegas magicians just made those buildings vanish.”
Eggleston explained that even though as many as one third of all Americans believed that the U.S. government knew in advance of the attacks, fired a missile at one of the passenger jets, or that explosives had been placed throughout both World Trade Center towers and then exploded, all of these theories were “rubbish.”
“The American people should be way too sophisticated to fall for nonsense like that,” Eggleston scoffed. “It’s tragic that such foolish ideas should find so ready and so large an audience, especially when all the evidence points to Siegfried and Roy.”
In response to a reporter’s question, Eggleston pointed the attendees to the 9/11TrueFacts.Org website, which he said detailed the Siegfried and Roy plot. A perusal of that website revealed documents, photos, and video explaining how the German magicians had used large mirrors, held by invisible helicopters hovering over the Hudson River, to make the buildings appear to vanish.
The motive for the disappearance of the Trade Center towers, the website indicated, was to promote the opening a Manhattan-style deli at the New York, New York Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.
“Siegfried and Roy are known lovers of fine deli,” Eggleston pointed out, “and the magicians were on ‘vacation’ at the time of the so-called ‘attacks.’
Elaine Monsky, spokesperson for the Mirage Hotel, where Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn performed for many years, denied that the magicians had any involvement with the 9/11 attacks. Monsky also said that the men were longterm vegetarians, did not eat deli, and had no relationship, business or otherwise, with the New York, New York Casino.
Eggleston, contacted by phone later in the day and confronted with Monsky’s version of the facts, replied knowingly, “That’s just what they want you to think.”
A 7-year-old white tiger named Montecore could not be reached for comment.
“We want to place the facts before the American public and let them decide,” Vernon Eggleston told reporters. “9/11 didn’t happen the way most people think. Those two Vegas magicians just made those buildings vanish.”
Eggleston explained that even though as many as one third of all Americans believed that the U.S. government knew in advance of the attacks, fired a missile at one of the passenger jets, or that explosives had been placed throughout both World Trade Center towers and then exploded, all of these theories were “rubbish.”
“The American people should be way too sophisticated to fall for nonsense like that,” Eggleston scoffed. “It’s tragic that such foolish ideas should find so ready and so large an audience, especially when all the evidence points to Siegfried and Roy.”
In response to a reporter’s question, Eggleston pointed the attendees to the 9/11TrueFacts.Org website, which he said detailed the Siegfried and Roy plot. A perusal of that website revealed documents, photos, and video explaining how the German magicians had used large mirrors, held by invisible helicopters hovering over the Hudson River, to make the buildings appear to vanish.
The motive for the disappearance of the Trade Center towers, the website indicated, was to promote the opening a Manhattan-style deli at the New York, New York Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.
“Siegfried and Roy are known lovers of fine deli,” Eggleston pointed out, “and the magicians were on ‘vacation’ at the time of the so-called ‘attacks.’
Elaine Monsky, spokesperson for the Mirage Hotel, where Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn performed for many years, denied that the magicians had any involvement with the 9/11 attacks. Monsky also said that the men were longterm vegetarians, did not eat deli, and had no relationship, business or otherwise, with the New York, New York Casino.
Eggleston, contacted by phone later in the day and confronted with Monsky’s version of the facts, replied knowingly, “That’s just what they want you to think.”
A 7-year-old white tiger named Montecore could not be reached for comment.
Tijuana, Juarez To Offer "Violence-Free Tuesdays"
In an effort to stem the massive loss of tourism due to violence
stemming from control of Mexico's lucrative cocaine trade, the
once-thriving border cities of Tijuana and Juarez have announced a
new program to lure back visitors: "Violence-Free Tuesdays."
"We need to offer our American guests certainty that they can visit
our charming border towns, experience traditional Mexican culture
and hospitality, and not be accidentally shot to death by gun-toting
marauders or by the Mexican federal police who have been bought
and paid for by the drug cartels," Fernando Lopez-Ortilla told a
hastily arranged news conference in Mexico City.
Lopez-Ortilla reminded journalists that "Tijuana and Juarez have
typically provided our guests with the opportunity to purchase
Mexican-made goods and souvenirs, like blankets and sombreros, and
perhaps even attend bullfights or horse races, without the concern
that they will be caught in the crossfire of submachine guns or AK-47s
and bleed to death without appropriate medical care on our charming
paseos and wide, traditional boulevards.”
"Working with the drug cartels," he continued, "we have been able to
convince almost all parties to declare a temporary ceasefire in the
endless round of drug-related murders of entire families and innocent
by-standers, every Tuesday, from dawn until approximately 6:30 p.m.
After that, our beloved American guests, quite honestly, will be on
their own."
Drug-related violence has claimed dozens of lives in recent months in
the charming, traditional border cities across from San Diego and El
Paso, creating a chilling effect on tourism and depressing the
economies of the two Mexican communities, home to many historical
Mexican sights such as adobe houses and century-old mission
churches, many of which now double as hideaways and redoubts
for heavily armed drug couriers, some as young as 12 years old.
"Our message to Americans is that Tijuana and Juarez are reasonably
safe, at least during daylight hours on Tuesdays, assuming that no
major transshipments of cocaine are taking place on those days, and
we have assurances from most of the drug cartel leaders that such is
the case," Lopez-Ortilla said.
When asked about the effect of high demand for cocaine in the
United States on the bucolic, delightful border communities of Juarez
and Tijuana, Lopez-Ortilla replied, "We are working with the United
States Government to see if the American people would be willing to
declare Thursdays "No Cocaine Transshipped Through Mexico
Thursdays. But so far, we haven't had any luck yet."
stemming from control of Mexico's lucrative cocaine trade, the
once-thriving border cities of Tijuana and Juarez have announced a
new program to lure back visitors: "Violence-Free Tuesdays."
"We need to offer our American guests certainty that they can visit
our charming border towns, experience traditional Mexican culture
and hospitality, and not be accidentally shot to death by gun-toting
marauders or by the Mexican federal police who have been bought
and paid for by the drug cartels," Fernando Lopez-Ortilla told a
hastily arranged news conference in Mexico City.
Lopez-Ortilla reminded journalists that "Tijuana and Juarez have
typically provided our guests with the opportunity to purchase
Mexican-made goods and souvenirs, like blankets and sombreros, and
perhaps even attend bullfights or horse races, without the concern
that they will be caught in the crossfire of submachine guns or AK-47s
and bleed to death without appropriate medical care on our charming
paseos and wide, traditional boulevards.”
"Working with the drug cartels," he continued, "we have been able to
convince almost all parties to declare a temporary ceasefire in the
endless round of drug-related murders of entire families and innocent
by-standers, every Tuesday, from dawn until approximately 6:30 p.m.
After that, our beloved American guests, quite honestly, will be on
their own."
Drug-related violence has claimed dozens of lives in recent months in
the charming, traditional border cities across from San Diego and El
Paso, creating a chilling effect on tourism and depressing the
economies of the two Mexican communities, home to many historical
Mexican sights such as adobe houses and century-old mission
churches, many of which now double as hideaways and redoubts
for heavily armed drug couriers, some as young as 12 years old.
"Our message to Americans is that Tijuana and Juarez are reasonably
safe, at least during daylight hours on Tuesdays, assuming that no
major transshipments of cocaine are taking place on those days, and
we have assurances from most of the drug cartel leaders that such is
the case," Lopez-Ortilla said.
When asked about the effect of high demand for cocaine in the
United States on the bucolic, delightful border communities of Juarez
and Tijuana, Lopez-Ortilla replied, "We are working with the United
States Government to see if the American people would be willing to
declare Thursdays "No Cocaine Transshipped Through Mexico
Thursdays. But so far, we haven't had any luck yet."
Swift Boat Vets Ready Anti-McCain Campaign
“He’s no hero,” declared Tom Mitchell, head of the Swift Boat Veterans Committee, at a hastily arranged press conference to announce a campaign to declare presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain “Not really that fit for service.”
“We can’t have a guy using an obviously fake Vietnam War record to get into the White House,” Mitchell told reporters. “Our financial support base of shadowy hyper-conservative Texas real estate investors will allow us to take our flimsy, unsupportable case directly to the American people. If they can’t decide between truth and fiction, it’s their problem.”
In 2004, the Swift Boat Veterans’ attacks against Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry, according to many observers, may have cost him the election, even though the attacks on Kerry’s war record had no basis in fact.
“McCain claims to have spent years as a POW inside a North Vietnamese prison camp nicknamed the Hanoi Hilton,” Mitchell said. “But we have documentary evidence showing that McCain was actually staying at the real Hanoi Hilton. We have his hotel bill, room service records, and minibar accounts to prove it.”
When asked whether the Swift Boat Veterans were motivated by boredom, lack of regard for historical truth, bitterness, and a desire to “get hot more chicks by being on YouTube and FaceBook,” Mitchell heatedly denied the charges.
“We are a legitimate protest group,” Mitchell said, “and we represent the 37 percent of the American public to whom facts mean absolutely nothing. And we’re not all right wingers, either. That 37 percent includes the entire editorial board of the New York Times.”
When asked about the sworn testimony of dozens of decorated veterans who placed McCain in the Hanoi prison camp, Mitchell replied, “The 2004 campaign shows that the American people, confronted with absolute falsehoods repeated often enough, will swallow anything whole. McCain spent the war in a hotel room, not a bamboo cage. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.”
A spokesman for the Vietnamese Embassy in Washington, Le Duc Tran, was baffled by the Swift Boat Veterans’ claims about McCain. “I personally beat the crap out of the Senator at least twice a month,” Mr. Tran recalled.
“We can’t have a guy using an obviously fake Vietnam War record to get into the White House,” Mitchell told reporters. “Our financial support base of shadowy hyper-conservative Texas real estate investors will allow us to take our flimsy, unsupportable case directly to the American people. If they can’t decide between truth and fiction, it’s their problem.”
In 2004, the Swift Boat Veterans’ attacks against Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry, according to many observers, may have cost him the election, even though the attacks on Kerry’s war record had no basis in fact.
“McCain claims to have spent years as a POW inside a North Vietnamese prison camp nicknamed the Hanoi Hilton,” Mitchell said. “But we have documentary evidence showing that McCain was actually staying at the real Hanoi Hilton. We have his hotel bill, room service records, and minibar accounts to prove it.”
When asked whether the Swift Boat Veterans were motivated by boredom, lack of regard for historical truth, bitterness, and a desire to “get hot more chicks by being on YouTube and FaceBook,” Mitchell heatedly denied the charges.
“We are a legitimate protest group,” Mitchell said, “and we represent the 37 percent of the American public to whom facts mean absolutely nothing. And we’re not all right wingers, either. That 37 percent includes the entire editorial board of the New York Times.”
When asked about the sworn testimony of dozens of decorated veterans who placed McCain in the Hanoi prison camp, Mitchell replied, “The 2004 campaign shows that the American people, confronted with absolute falsehoods repeated often enough, will swallow anything whole. McCain spent the war in a hotel room, not a bamboo cage. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.”
A spokesman for the Vietnamese Embassy in Washington, Le Duc Tran, was baffled by the Swift Boat Veterans’ claims about McCain. “I personally beat the crap out of the Senator at least twice a month,” Mr. Tran recalled.
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