Friday, June 26, 2009

GM Announces First Post-Bankruptcy Car, The "Obama"

General Motors CEO Dave Smith today told a hastily assembled Detroit press conference that the auto maker's first new marque after entering bankruptcy would be the "Obama."

"The Obama will be sleek, powerful, and able to go in many different directions at the same time," Smith told reporters. "It will get great mileage, look beautiful, and be the envy of its owners' neighbors."

Smith said that the only problem with the car is its pricetag. It will cost "upwards of $12 trillion," Smith said. "All we have to do is sell one."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Obama: I'm Doing To Democracy What Bush Did To Iraq

President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that his Presidency was modeled on his predecessor's approach to Iraq.

"We understand we have to destroy democracy in order to save it," Obama told reporters. "Whether the issue is executive pay for bankers, health care, running GM, or anything else our administration is doing, I believe that we have a strong precedent in President Bush's foreign policy.

"Bush went into Iraq and destroyed it to rebuild it. I'm doing the same thing right here at home."

The President told reporters that "sometimes you have to break something in order to benefit from it, like a piggy bank, or for my Latino friends, a pinata. And once you do, people get something out of it. And after a while, they don't even miss the old thing they used to have."

Obama said that "It may take a few years before people start to realize that we destroyed democracy in order to save America. But the alternative, letting the free market system and the business cycle come around again, was just unacceptable."

Obama also said that GM's first new model vehicle since entering into bankruptcy, the Obama, would be available this fall "but without any options."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Obama Freezes Kim Jong-Il's Netflix Account

"You can weaponize your uranium to make nuclear weapons, or you can have access to the most complete library of feature films and TV shows, in your mailbox the next morning, but you can't have both," President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference as he announced the unilateral freezing of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il's Netflix account.

"We understand that a movie buff like Kim Jong-Il will take this as an act of war," Obama told reporters. "But if he wants a standoff to see who blinks first, I would advise that movie-loving strongman to bring plenty of popcorn."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Al-Jazeera, Citing Slipping Ratings, Renames Itself Al-Jarreau, Focuses On Soft Jazz

Al-Jazeera, the preeminent news voice of the Arab world, today announced that due to ratings pressure, it was changing its name to Al Jarreau and focusing on soft jazz.

"People are tired of war," spokesman Ali Hashemi told a hastily assembled Damascus news conference. "They want nice music they can have on in the background while they work or raise their kids. Our new format, Al Jarreau, should be very enticing to a growing audience."

Hashemi said that "while we will occasionally break for news updates, we will offer a steady, comforting flow of music like Kenny G., the Blue Knights, and Grady Nichols, along with traditional favorites like Chuck Mangione and, of course, our new namesake, Al Jarreau.

"Maybe we can't bring peace to the Middle East," Hashemi told reporters. "But we at least we can bring peace to the radio dial."