“It’s your patriotic duty to run up your credit cards and deplete your savings and buy anything in the stores,” Council of Economic Advisors Alfred C. Lundquist told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.
“Our economy depends on people spending their very last dollars on whatever they can find in the malls,” Lundquist told reporters. “If our savings rate doesn’t drop to negative five percent, our entire economy could go into the tank.”
Lundquist said that while he admired the desire of some Americans to save money for a rainy day, “as far as corporate America is concerned, that rainy day is here. And we want your wallets and purses to be our umbrellas, our shelter from the storm.”
Reporters asked Lundquist whether it made sense for Americans, whose job prospects were shaky and whose housing values were plunging, to take their hard-earned cash and just go shopping.
“If they don’t spend what they have,” Lundquist said, “the economy will tank for sure. We economists don’t like to admit it, but our entire nation depends on people spending approximately ten to fifteen percent more than they can afford, year after year after year.
“The only bright spot on the horizon,” Lundquist concluded, “is that with a Democratic administration taking over, if the American people runs out of money, the government can always just print more.”
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
LA Weathercaster, Sent Out To Track Storm 30 Years Ago, Finally Returns
Bob Jenkins, one of the most popular weathercasters in Los Angeles local TV news in the 1970s, emerged today after having been missing for 30 years in the Angeles National Forest.
“We sent Bob out to track a big rainstorm in 1979,” KTLA News 9 spokesperson Halle Fredericks told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference. “I guess we forgot we sent him out there. You know how busy things get in a newsroom.”
Jenkins, now 72, gaunt but in surprisingly good condition, lived on “nuts, berries, and squirrel meat,” Fredericks told reporters. “He would occasionally ransack the sleeping bags of homeless people or people who were out camping in the Forest. But to his credit, he never left his post.”
Fredericks said that Jenkins, now under observation at Thalians Mental Health Center at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, had a “unique work ethic that caused him to remain in the Angeles Forest for three decades, microphone in hand, earpiece in ear, waiting for the signal for him to come back to the studio.
“Unfortunately,” Fredericks said, “Jenkins never got that signal. It must have been a busy news day—maybe something with the economy or, I don’t know, some other big stories were happening. And we just forgot about Bob.”
As soon as Jenkins is released from Thalians, Fredericks said, he will return to the Angeles National Forest “because another winter storm is coming, and StormWatch 2000 will be tracking it in real time, with Bob Jenkins live from the Angeles National Forest.”
“We sent Bob out to track a big rainstorm in 1979,” KTLA News 9 spokesperson Halle Fredericks told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference. “I guess we forgot we sent him out there. You know how busy things get in a newsroom.”
Jenkins, now 72, gaunt but in surprisingly good condition, lived on “nuts, berries, and squirrel meat,” Fredericks told reporters. “He would occasionally ransack the sleeping bags of homeless people or people who were out camping in the Forest. But to his credit, he never left his post.”
Fredericks said that Jenkins, now under observation at Thalians Mental Health Center at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, had a “unique work ethic that caused him to remain in the Angeles Forest for three decades, microphone in hand, earpiece in ear, waiting for the signal for him to come back to the studio.
“Unfortunately,” Fredericks said, “Jenkins never got that signal. It must have been a busy news day—maybe something with the economy or, I don’t know, some other big stories were happening. And we just forgot about Bob.”
As soon as Jenkins is released from Thalians, Fredericks said, he will return to the Angeles National Forest “because another winter storm is coming, and StormWatch 2000 will be tracking it in real time, with Bob Jenkins live from the Angeles National Forest.”
Monday, November 24, 2008
GM Cancels Tiger Woods Endorsement Deal: “He Didn’t Sell One Stinking Buick”
General Motors today announced the end of its endorsement deal with golfing legend Tiger Woods on the grounds that “He didn’t sell one stinking Buick,” GM CEO Rick Wagoner told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference.
“We thought we could snooker the American people into believing that Tiger actually drove a Buick,” Wagoner told reporters. “Looking back, it was irrational on our part. We’re a stodgy, boring, out-of-touch auto maker, and he’s an up-to-date, supercool, international icon.
“He should be endorsing Porsches, not Buicks,” Wagoner said. “It was a tragic waste of Mr. Woods’ time and credibility. We hope we haven’t hurt him too much, given his talent level and his likability.”
Wagoner said that the marketing strategy placing Woods behind the wheel of a Buick was based “not in reality but in the utmost form of wishful thinking, where you say to yourself, ‘Maybe this will save the GM brand from total irrelevance, collapse of market share, and humiliation on Wall Street.’
“Tiger may be able to put a 350 yard drive stiff to the pin,” Wagoner concluded, "but not even he could save GM.”
“We thought we could snooker the American people into believing that Tiger actually drove a Buick,” Wagoner told reporters. “Looking back, it was irrational on our part. We’re a stodgy, boring, out-of-touch auto maker, and he’s an up-to-date, supercool, international icon.
“He should be endorsing Porsches, not Buicks,” Wagoner said. “It was a tragic waste of Mr. Woods’ time and credibility. We hope we haven’t hurt him too much, given his talent level and his likability.”
Wagoner said that the marketing strategy placing Woods behind the wheel of a Buick was based “not in reality but in the utmost form of wishful thinking, where you say to yourself, ‘Maybe this will save the GM brand from total irrelevance, collapse of market share, and humiliation on Wall Street.’
“Tiger may be able to put a 350 yard drive stiff to the pin,” Wagoner concluded, "but not even he could save GM.”
Thursday, November 20, 2008
In Surprise Move, Obama Names Wall-E Secretary Of State
President-Elect Barack Obama today named the Pixar animation figure Wall-E to the position of Secretary of State in his new administration, subject to confirmation by the Senate.
"Wall-E is uniquely able to bring about world peace, communicate with foreign leaders, and bridge the language barrier," Obama told a hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference. "He's going to be our clean-up hitter."
Most observers expected Obama to name Hillary Rodham Clinton (Sen, D-NY) to the post, because of her world travel, ability to overlook bad habits like adultery of political leaders, and large collection of wash-n-wear pantsuits.
"The world loves Wall-E," Obama told reporters. "He received a 97% approval rating on RottenTomatoes.com, which is 43 percentage points higher than Hillary's rating. The people have spoken and they want Wall-E."
Wall-E appeared in the eponymous Pixar film earlier in 2008, in which he saved the world from indolence, sloth, and large piles of trash.
"Wall-E is a lot like me," Obama said. "New on the scene, beloved worldwide, a lover, not a fighter, and his positions on everything are murky. Just the guy I need to represent our nation around the world.
"He's also a consummate collector," Obama added, "which is important, because when you're the Secretary of State you're always getting gifts from foreign leaders. Wall-E has the proven ability to organize and sort large numbers of different types of items."
When asked whether it was appropriate for the United States to be represented abroad by an animatronic figure, Obama replied, "I didn't see anyone objecting to Hillary, and she's about as animatronic as a human being can get."
"Wall-E is uniquely able to bring about world peace, communicate with foreign leaders, and bridge the language barrier," Obama told a hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference. "He's going to be our clean-up hitter."
Most observers expected Obama to name Hillary Rodham Clinton (Sen, D-NY) to the post, because of her world travel, ability to overlook bad habits like adultery of political leaders, and large collection of wash-n-wear pantsuits.
"The world loves Wall-E," Obama told reporters. "He received a 97% approval rating on RottenTomatoes.com, which is 43 percentage points higher than Hillary's rating. The people have spoken and they want Wall-E."
Wall-E appeared in the eponymous Pixar film earlier in 2008, in which he saved the world from indolence, sloth, and large piles of trash.
"Wall-E is a lot like me," Obama said. "New on the scene, beloved worldwide, a lover, not a fighter, and his positions on everything are murky. Just the guy I need to represent our nation around the world.
"He's also a consummate collector," Obama added, "which is important, because when you're the Secretary of State you're always getting gifts from foreign leaders. Wall-E has the proven ability to organize and sort large numbers of different types of items."
When asked whether it was appropriate for the United States to be represented abroad by an animatronic figure, Obama replied, "I didn't see anyone objecting to Hillary, and she's about as animatronic as a human being can get."
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Religious Group Claims Owners Of All Homes Destroyed In Calif. Fires Voted Against Prop. 8
“God knows how you vote,” the Rev. Freddy Dumont told a hastily assembled Montecito, California news conference. “And the wages of voting for sin is you lose your house.”
Rev. Dumont told reporters that he was “not surprised” that the owners of all of the 1,000-plus homes destroyed in wildfires in recent days had voted against Prop. 8, a ballot initiative that amended the California Constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.
“You can lie to pollsters, but you can’t lie to the Lord,” Rev. Dumont said. “If you voted against Prop. 8, you’re getting a taste of the fires of Hell. Don’t confuse Election Day with the Day of Judgment. Vote against Prop. 8, you sealed your fate.”
Reporters pressed Rev. Dumont, leader of the Online Church of the Great Conservative And Right-Wing God, based somewhere in Orange County, as to how he knew that God knew the specific voting patterns of California homeowners.
“How could he not know?” Rev. Dumont responded. “Ain’t no hanging chad in heaven. No butterfly ballots in the Bible. Prop. 8 gets you through the pearly gates. If you decline, it’s the fire next time.”
Rev. Dumont said that individuals who voted against Prop. 8 but lived in areas not affected by fires “better drive carefully, look both ways before they cross the street, and avoid air travel until they repent.”
Rev. Dumont told reporters that he was “not surprised” that the owners of all of the 1,000-plus homes destroyed in wildfires in recent days had voted against Prop. 8, a ballot initiative that amended the California Constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.
“You can lie to pollsters, but you can’t lie to the Lord,” Rev. Dumont said. “If you voted against Prop. 8, you’re getting a taste of the fires of Hell. Don’t confuse Election Day with the Day of Judgment. Vote against Prop. 8, you sealed your fate.”
Reporters pressed Rev. Dumont, leader of the Online Church of the Great Conservative And Right-Wing God, based somewhere in Orange County, as to how he knew that God knew the specific voting patterns of California homeowners.
“How could he not know?” Rev. Dumont responded. “Ain’t no hanging chad in heaven. No butterfly ballots in the Bible. Prop. 8 gets you through the pearly gates. If you decline, it’s the fire next time.”
Rev. Dumont said that individuals who voted against Prop. 8 but lived in areas not affected by fires “better drive carefully, look both ways before they cross the street, and avoid air travel until they repent.”
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Palin: I Will Lead GOP Down To Horrific Defeat In 2012
In a hastily assembled Anchorage, Alaska news conference, former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today promised to lead her party to “horrific defeat” as its Presidential standard-bearer in 2012.
“There is a void in Republican Presidential politics,” Palin told reporters, “and I’m not just talking about George W. Bush.
“Republicans need a leader they can count on to take the party down to flaming, horrific electoral defeat in the next Presidential election,” she said. “I am that person.”
Palin pointed to the McCain campaign’s inability to detach itself from President Bush’s tattered legacy of war and financial crisis, as well as its failure to fully demonize Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s pastor and old friends, as reasons for its massive defeat at the polls last week.
“By 2012,” Palin said, “Obama will have gotten us out of Iraq, ended the banking crisis, and restored prosperity and pride at home and abroad. Someone is going to have to challenge him on a platform of mindless criticism, baseless allegations, and borderline racial innuendo that appeals to the conservative base.
“I intend to be that person.”
When asked by reporters whether Palin was motivated, at least in part, by the possibility of another shopping spree at Neiman-Marcus and other high end stores she had never heard of prior to the 2008 campaign, the Alaska governor offered a terse “no comment.”
“There is a void in Republican Presidential politics,” Palin told reporters, “and I’m not just talking about George W. Bush.
“Republicans need a leader they can count on to take the party down to flaming, horrific electoral defeat in the next Presidential election,” she said. “I am that person.”
Palin pointed to the McCain campaign’s inability to detach itself from President Bush’s tattered legacy of war and financial crisis, as well as its failure to fully demonize Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s pastor and old friends, as reasons for its massive defeat at the polls last week.
“By 2012,” Palin said, “Obama will have gotten us out of Iraq, ended the banking crisis, and restored prosperity and pride at home and abroad. Someone is going to have to challenge him on a platform of mindless criticism, baseless allegations, and borderline racial innuendo that appeals to the conservative base.
“I intend to be that person.”
When asked by reporters whether Palin was motivated, at least in part, by the possibility of another shopping spree at Neiman-Marcus and other high end stores she had never heard of prior to the 2008 campaign, the Alaska governor offered a terse “no comment.”
GM: We Need $25 Billion Just For Spittoons, Hat Stands, White-Out
GM Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner today told a hastily assembled Detroit, Michigan news conference that the company needed an initial $25 billion bailout “just to cover our annual expenses for spittoons, hat stands, White-Out, and other essential items for our 57,000 executive offices.
“Dealing with our cash problems, obsolescent automobile line, union featherbedding, and health care costs will cost even more. But we’ve got to start somewhere.”
Wagoner said that “each of the 57,000 current GM executives, like their forebears going back to the founding of the company, is entitled by contract to a new spittoon and hat stand each year. We stand by our commitment to our executives to honor this clause in their contracts, which costs us roughly $19 billion a year.”
Wagoner also pointed to a $6 billion line item for White-Out, “because sometimes our typing pool makes errors if they can’t read their dictation that they took in their steno pads. We go through a lot of White-Out, because nobody’s perfect.”
Reporters pointed out that few, if any, current GM executives still chewed tobacco or had other uses for spittoons in their offices, and that those few execs who still wore hats could use the same hat stand for more than one year.
“Yes,” Wagoner replied, looking disdainfully at the reporters. “In theory, our executives could use the same hat stands for more than one year. And the same spittoons as well.
“But if they did, we wouldn’t be GM.”
“Dealing with our cash problems, obsolescent automobile line, union featherbedding, and health care costs will cost even more. But we’ve got to start somewhere.”
Wagoner said that “each of the 57,000 current GM executives, like their forebears going back to the founding of the company, is entitled by contract to a new spittoon and hat stand each year. We stand by our commitment to our executives to honor this clause in their contracts, which costs us roughly $19 billion a year.”
Wagoner also pointed to a $6 billion line item for White-Out, “because sometimes our typing pool makes errors if they can’t read their dictation that they took in their steno pads. We go through a lot of White-Out, because nobody’s perfect.”
Reporters pointed out that few, if any, current GM executives still chewed tobacco or had other uses for spittoons in their offices, and that those few execs who still wore hats could use the same hat stand for more than one year.
“Yes,” Wagoner replied, looking disdainfully at the reporters. “In theory, our executives could use the same hat stands for more than one year. And the same spittoons as well.
“But if they did, we wouldn’t be GM.”
Monday, November 10, 2008
At White House, Bush Gives Obama Advice; Collection of Blue Ties
President George W. Bush today declined to give President-elect Barack Obama any specifics about national security or economic issues, instead offering Obama his extensive collection of Presidential-looking blue ties.
“I always wear a blue tie with little sparkly patterns when I’m meeting foreign leaders,” President Bush told Obama at a hastily assembled White House photo op. “Foreign leaders, especially ones from really tiny little countries, get kind of Mesmerized by sparkly patterns.”
“When I meet with Congress,” President Bush continued, “I prefer a light blue tie, because the light tie seems very conciliatory. If I meet with business leaders, I go with a bold blue tie, maybe with stripes, to indicate my support for the free market system.”
President-elect Obama repeatedly tried to interrupt the President’s lecture about ties with questions about al Qaeda, the banking crisis, and the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks, but President Bush appeared to be more comfortable talking about neckwear, according to reporters.
“Brooks Brothers makes nice ties,” the President told the President-elect, “but I like Italian ties because they’re a little snazzier. And you don’t have to worry about the whole made-in-America thing. Every tie is made in China or maybe Vietnam, which is ironic, because people don’t even wear ties in those countries, unless they’re going to meet some American business people.”
President-elect Obama asked President Bush a question about the bailout of the banking industry.
“I’ll give you a little hint,” the President said. “Always have a Secret Service agent carry an extra blue tie, along with the nuclear codes. Because it’s more likely that you’ll spill some pasta sauce on your tie than have to blow up the former Soviet Union.”
NYC To Rename All Bridges, Tunnels, Highways After Losing Presidential Candidates
New York City has announced that in addition to renaming the Triborough Bridge after the late Robert F. Kennedy, all roads and crossings will also be renamed after losing Presidential candidates.
"Typically, we name things for winners," New York mayor Michael R. Bloomberg told a hastily assembled Gracie Mansion news conference. "We renamed the Triborough for RFK, which we think is a beautiful gesture. But why stop there? Why not name everything after people who lost?"
Mayor Bloomberg said that the George Washington Bridge will be renamed for Walter Mondale, the West Side Highway for John Kerry, and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge will be named for Bob Dole. Other roadways and crossings will be renamed "as soon as our painting and signage crews can get to them."
"We know that some people will still call the John McCain Tunnel the Queens-Midtown Tunnel," the Mayor allowed. "And that some won't call the Cross-Bronx Expressway by its new name, the Mario Cuomo. It takes time for these kinds of changes to stick. Again, why should winners get all the glory?"
Mayor Bloomberg said that after this round of changes takes effect, "We will be renaming the Queensborough Bridge, also known as the 59th Street Bridge, 'The Governor Sarah Palin Bridge To Nowhere."
"Typically, we name things for winners," New York mayor Michael R. Bloomberg told a hastily assembled Gracie Mansion news conference. "We renamed the Triborough for RFK, which we think is a beautiful gesture. But why stop there? Why not name everything after people who lost?"
Mayor Bloomberg said that the George Washington Bridge will be renamed for Walter Mondale, the West Side Highway for John Kerry, and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge will be named for Bob Dole. Other roadways and crossings will be renamed "as soon as our painting and signage crews can get to them."
"We know that some people will still call the John McCain Tunnel the Queens-Midtown Tunnel," the Mayor allowed. "And that some won't call the Cross-Bronx Expressway by its new name, the Mario Cuomo. It takes time for these kinds of changes to stick. Again, why should winners get all the glory?"
Mayor Bloomberg said that after this round of changes takes effect, "We will be renaming the Queensborough Bridge, also known as the 59th Street Bridge, 'The Governor Sarah Palin Bridge To Nowhere."
Friday, November 7, 2008
Spitzer, Cleared Of Federal Charges, Seeks Refund From Call Girl
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, cleared by federal prosecutors of criminal responsibility for his role in a prostitution scandal that cost him his office, today his announced that he wanted a “full refund” from the call girl he had hired.
“If I’m not being charged with a crime,” Spitzer told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, “then what I did wasn’t solicitation. In legal terms, the young lady and I went on a date. And I want my money back.”
Spitzer stepped down from the New York Governor’s office after allegations that he had used high-priced prostitution services while on official visits to Washington, D.C.
“I think of it now as an extramarital relationship that didn’t work out,” Spitzer said. “If the young lady would only be fair, she would recognize that the thousands of dollars I left on the nighttable really ought to be returned.
“I intend to put the money to good use,” Spitzer promised. “I will use the bulk of it to start a foundation to keep young women from getting involved with men like me in the first place. And I will use the rest to buy my wife a gift. Maybe some jewelry or a new car. If she’ll ever talk to me again.”
“If I’m not being charged with a crime,” Spitzer told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, “then what I did wasn’t solicitation. In legal terms, the young lady and I went on a date. And I want my money back.”
Spitzer stepped down from the New York Governor’s office after allegations that he had used high-priced prostitution services while on official visits to Washington, D.C.
“I think of it now as an extramarital relationship that didn’t work out,” Spitzer said. “If the young lady would only be fair, she would recognize that the thousands of dollars I left on the nighttable really ought to be returned.
“I intend to put the money to good use,” Spitzer promised. “I will use the bulk of it to start a foundation to keep young women from getting involved with men like me in the first place. And I will use the rest to buy my wife a gift. Maybe some jewelry or a new car. If she’ll ever talk to me again.”
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Poll: Obama Supporters Already Disillusioned, Asking “Where’s The Change?”
A CBS News/GQ/Conde Nast Traveler/Penthouse Magazine post-election poll reported that 86% of Obama voters are already disillusioned with the President-elect, agreeing with the statement that “He won the job two days ago and so far he’s accomplished nothing.”
Poll spokesman Alfredo Johnson told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that more than five out of six Obama voters have “lost faith” in the new President because their lives are “exactly the same as they were before the election.
“The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are still going on,” Johnson said. “The banking system is as screwed up as ever. Global warming is still happening and the economy’s in the tank. And what’s Barack done so far? Nothing. That’s what we’re hearing from Democrats.”
When asked whether the electorate was being “too impatient” with the newly chosen President-elect, Johnson shrugged.
“I see their point,” he said. “They were promised change, they voted for change, and they don’t see any change. I mean, how much longer does this guy need to get stuff done? Suddenly Sarah Palin in 2012 is looking like the real thing.”
Poll spokesman Alfredo Johnson told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that more than five out of six Obama voters have “lost faith” in the new President because their lives are “exactly the same as they were before the election.
“The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are still going on,” Johnson said. “The banking system is as screwed up as ever. Global warming is still happening and the economy’s in the tank. And what’s Barack done so far? Nothing. That’s what we’re hearing from Democrats.”
When asked whether the electorate was being “too impatient” with the newly chosen President-elect, Johnson shrugged.
“I see their point,” he said. “They were promised change, they voted for change, and they don’t see any change. I mean, how much longer does this guy need to get stuff done? Suddenly Sarah Palin in 2012 is looking like the real thing.”
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
California Prop. 8, Outlawing Gay Marriage, Requires Return Of All Wedding Gifts
A little-known provision of Proposition 8 passed yesterday by California voters requires all gay and lesbian married couples to return all wedding gifts to those who gave them.
"If you're going to outlaw gay marriage, then they have to return the presents," Andrew Lichtenbach, a spokesman for Yes On 8 told a hastily assembled West Hollywood news conference. "Fair is fair."
Lichtenbach told reporters that he "empathized" with gay couples that had registered for china patterns, glassware, or other gifts. "But the law is the law, and the California state constitution now requires all those things to go back to the stores they came from."
Lichtenbach said that supporters of Prop. 8 weren't trying to be "punitive. It's just that the privileges of marriage are now reserved under California law for heterosexuals, and that includes wedding gifts."
Proposition 8 does not specify whether gay couples will be allowed to keep "photo albums, DVDs, or imprinted matchboxes or yarmulkes," Lichtenbach said. "This is something that the California Supreme Court will have to rule on."
Lichtenbach said that gay couples would be allowed to keep "up to three slices of frozen wedding cake for their first anniversary celebrations. We may be bigoted, homophobic, and uninterested in the humanity of our fellow men and women. But we aren't heartless."
"If you're going to outlaw gay marriage, then they have to return the presents," Andrew Lichtenbach, a spokesman for Yes On 8 told a hastily assembled West Hollywood news conference. "Fair is fair."
Lichtenbach told reporters that he "empathized" with gay couples that had registered for china patterns, glassware, or other gifts. "But the law is the law, and the California state constitution now requires all those things to go back to the stores they came from."
Lichtenbach said that supporters of Prop. 8 weren't trying to be "punitive. It's just that the privileges of marriage are now reserved under California law for heterosexuals, and that includes wedding gifts."
Proposition 8 does not specify whether gay couples will be allowed to keep "photo albums, DVDs, or imprinted matchboxes or yarmulkes," Lichtenbach said. "This is something that the California Supreme Court will have to rule on."
Lichtenbach said that gay couples would be allowed to keep "up to three slices of frozen wedding cake for their first anniversary celebrations. We may be bigoted, homophobic, and uninterested in the humanity of our fellow men and women. But we aren't heartless."
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
U.S. Supreme Court Nullifies Obama Victory “Because He’s Black”
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court tonight nullified the Presidential election of Democratic candidate Barack Obama “because he’s Black.”
The Supreme Court, claiming to act of its own volition, set aside Obama’s victory on the ground that the Founding Fathers “would never have expected a person of color to ascend to the Presidency.”
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, in a hastily written opinion in the case of A Bunch Of Angry Republican White Guys v. Obama, “When America was founded, we really only expected white people to become U.S. President. A strict construction of the Constitution, we believe, forbids everyone except, you know, white guys to be President.”
Roberts wrote in his decision that the judicial precedent of Bush v. Gore allowed the Supreme Court “to set aside the will of the people if enough important people tell us that we should.
“Can we really throw out lawfully chosen Presidential election results? Yes, we can!”
The Supreme Court, claiming to act of its own volition, set aside Obama’s victory on the ground that the Founding Fathers “would never have expected a person of color to ascend to the Presidency.”
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, in a hastily written opinion in the case of A Bunch Of Angry Republican White Guys v. Obama, “When America was founded, we really only expected white people to become U.S. President. A strict construction of the Constitution, we believe, forbids everyone except, you know, white guys to be President.”
Roberts wrote in his decision that the judicial precedent of Bush v. Gore allowed the Supreme Court “to set aside the will of the people if enough important people tell us that we should.
“Can we really throw out lawfully chosen Presidential election results? Yes, we can!”
Monday, November 3, 2008
Terrorist Sleeper Cell Oversleeps, Fails To Destroy Electoral College
Fourteen members of the self-styled Election Martyrs Brigade slept late after a long night of martyr-related partying and failed to complete their mission, the location and destruction of the Electoral College.
"We are embarrassed for our cause and will try again in four years," the sleeper cell leader who only identified himself as "Freddy" told a hastily assembled Alexandria, Virginia news conference.
The Election Martyrs Brigade was to have spent the day before Election Day locating the Electoral College and then "blowing it up with bombs," "Freddy" told reporters. "But ever since 9/11 you Americans have become much smarter about security. We couldn't even locate the Electoral College with the Internet."
"Freddy" said that his sleeper cell consisted of two of his brothers, three brothers-in-law, and eight neighbors from their village, in a country they chose not to identify "because you Americans will retaliate and blow our mud huts back to the Stone Age.
"Although to tell you the truth," "Freddy" added, "since we're living in mud huts, you could say we're already living in the Stone Age."
"Freddy" told reporters that his sleeper cell had all found jobs in the Alexandria, Virginia area, that most of them had American girlfriends, and that three were taking college courses "or going for their G.E.D. And they all like to party, so frankly I'm not surprised that we all slept in."
The Electoral College was a "natural target" for terror, "Freddy" told reporters, since "every other government building or institution, bridge, tunnel, or power grid was under careful watch.
We hacked the Secret Service internal website and could not find a single reference to guards guarding the Electoral College. So we figured it would be the perfect target on the eve of the election."
"Freddy" said that the 13 other members of his sleeper cell would "get together, maybe this weekend, and start planning our next event. Although quite frankly, life as members of a sleeper cell has proven to be much more attractive than martyring ourselves for our cause, which none of us still remembers at this point.
"But our message to the faculty of the Electoral College is this: be afraid. Be very afraid. Four years from tonight, our sleeper cell will awaken.
"As long as my brother-in-law remembers to set the alarm."
"We are embarrassed for our cause and will try again in four years," the sleeper cell leader who only identified himself as "Freddy" told a hastily assembled Alexandria, Virginia news conference.
The Election Martyrs Brigade was to have spent the day before Election Day locating the Electoral College and then "blowing it up with bombs," "Freddy" told reporters. "But ever since 9/11 you Americans have become much smarter about security. We couldn't even locate the Electoral College with the Internet."
"Freddy" said that his sleeper cell consisted of two of his brothers, three brothers-in-law, and eight neighbors from their village, in a country they chose not to identify "because you Americans will retaliate and blow our mud huts back to the Stone Age.
"Although to tell you the truth," "Freddy" added, "since we're living in mud huts, you could say we're already living in the Stone Age."
"Freddy" told reporters that his sleeper cell had all found jobs in the Alexandria, Virginia area, that most of them had American girlfriends, and that three were taking college courses "or going for their G.E.D. And they all like to party, so frankly I'm not surprised that we all slept in."
The Electoral College was a "natural target" for terror, "Freddy" told reporters, since "every other government building or institution, bridge, tunnel, or power grid was under careful watch.
We hacked the Secret Service internal website and could not find a single reference to guards guarding the Electoral College. So we figured it would be the perfect target on the eve of the election."
"Freddy" said that the 13 other members of his sleeper cell would "get together, maybe this weekend, and start planning our next event. Although quite frankly, life as members of a sleeper cell has proven to be much more attractive than martyring ourselves for our cause, which none of us still remembers at this point.
"But our message to the faculty of the Electoral College is this: be afraid. Be very afraid. Four years from tonight, our sleeper cell will awaken.
"As long as my brother-in-law remembers to set the alarm."
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Joe Biden To Talk Nonstop Between Now And Election Day
"Other candidates merely travel nonstop between appearances in the final days of a Presidential campaign," Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden told a hastily assembled Peoria, Illinois news conference. "I'm gonna talk nonstop between now and Tuesday night."
Biden's unprecedented pledge would mean that "There will be something for every voter coming out of my mouth," he said. "Some people like stuff that makes sense. Some people like crazy assertions not grounded in any kind of reality. Other people like Dr. Seuss-like rhymes. I promise to keep talking and thus satisfy the expectations of every voter in every state."
Biden said he expected to speak at a rate of "100 words per minute, which is 6,000 words an hour, or 432,000 words between now and when the polls close Tuesday on the West Coast. This torrent of political jargon is sure to please everyone in the nation, which is what I like to do, anyway."
In the event that he ran out of original things to say, Biden said, he would "read out loud the phone book, or Ulysses, or the collected speeches of Neil Kinnock for political junkies feeling nostalgic for the 1980s. On behalf of Barack Obama, I shall not be still."
Biden's unprecedented pledge would mean that "There will be something for every voter coming out of my mouth," he said. "Some people like stuff that makes sense. Some people like crazy assertions not grounded in any kind of reality. Other people like Dr. Seuss-like rhymes. I promise to keep talking and thus satisfy the expectations of every voter in every state."
Biden said he expected to speak at a rate of "100 words per minute, which is 6,000 words an hour, or 432,000 words between now and when the polls close Tuesday on the West Coast. This torrent of political jargon is sure to please everyone in the nation, which is what I like to do, anyway."
In the event that he ran out of original things to say, Biden said, he would "read out loud the phone book, or Ulysses, or the collected speeches of Neil Kinnock for political junkies feeling nostalgic for the 1980s. On behalf of Barack Obama, I shall not be still."
McCain Suffering From "McGwire Effect" As Supporters Are Too Embarrassed To Tell Pollsters They'll Vote For Him
Senator John McCain today coined the expression "The McGwire Effect" to explain why his supporters were "embarrassed and ashamed" to tell pollsters they supported him.
"This election will be much closer than anyone thinks," McCain told a hastily assembled Richmond, Virginia news conference. "Watch for the McGwire Effect on Tuesday."
McCain was apparently referring to retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire, a white man, who was competing with Sammy Sosa in 1998 for the home run crown.
"People were afraid to come out and say they were rooting for McGwire," McCain told reporters. "They didn't want to appear racist. Similarly, people who are voting for me can't bring themselves to tell pollsters that fact. I guess they don't want to look stupid."
The McGwire Effect, McCain said, was the "reverse image" of the so-called Bradley Effect, named for Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, indicating that white voters told pollsters they were voting for Bradley but then voted against him and supported his white opponent.
"Big Mac McGwire beat Sammy Sosa," McCain told reporters. "And Big Mac McCain's gonna win on Tuesday. Even if half my voters are too ashamed to tell pollsters they're on my side."
"This election will be much closer than anyone thinks," McCain told a hastily assembled Richmond, Virginia news conference. "Watch for the McGwire Effect on Tuesday."
McCain was apparently referring to retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire, a white man, who was competing with Sammy Sosa in 1998 for the home run crown.
"People were afraid to come out and say they were rooting for McGwire," McCain told reporters. "They didn't want to appear racist. Similarly, people who are voting for me can't bring themselves to tell pollsters that fact. I guess they don't want to look stupid."
The McGwire Effect, McCain said, was the "reverse image" of the so-called Bradley Effect, named for Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, indicating that white voters told pollsters they were voting for Bradley but then voted against him and supported his white opponent.
"Big Mac McGwire beat Sammy Sosa," McCain told reporters. "And Big Mac McCain's gonna win on Tuesday. Even if half my voters are too ashamed to tell pollsters they're on my side."
Hillary Clinton, Campaigning In Florida, Receives Only Blank Stares
In a surprising demonstration of how quickly the American public forgets people who were famous only a few months earlier, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton campaigned throughout Florida on behalf of her former rival, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, and received only puzzled looks, blank stares, and a lot of people just scratching their heads.
"She has a very familiar face," an Ocala, Florida voter told the Dissociated Press. "But I'm not sure I remember exactly who she is."
Clinton told reporters at a hastily assembled West Palm Beach, Florida news conference that she was "disappointed, but not surprised, at the lack of recognition I received in her campaign appearances this weekend. People move on with their lives. I can't say it doesn't hurt, though."
Clinton said that despite the fact that few in Florida seemed to remember who exactly she was, she would continue to stump on Obama's behalf until Tuesday's election.
"You have to not take things like that personally," she told reporters. "I told them that I was Bill Clinton's wife, and they seemed to remember who he was, so that's a positive, I guess."
Clinton said that the most surprising experience of the weekend campaigning was the fact that so many Florida voters "seemed to think I was either Phyliss Schlafly, Barbara Walters, or Anita Bryant. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.
"How quickly they forget."
"She has a very familiar face," an Ocala, Florida voter told the Dissociated Press. "But I'm not sure I remember exactly who she is."
Clinton told reporters at a hastily assembled West Palm Beach, Florida news conference that she was "disappointed, but not surprised, at the lack of recognition I received in her campaign appearances this weekend. People move on with their lives. I can't say it doesn't hurt, though."
Clinton said that despite the fact that few in Florida seemed to remember who exactly she was, she would continue to stump on Obama's behalf until Tuesday's election.
"You have to not take things like that personally," she told reporters. "I told them that I was Bill Clinton's wife, and they seemed to remember who he was, so that's a positive, I guess."
Clinton said that the most surprising experience of the weekend campaigning was the fact that so many Florida voters "seemed to think I was either Phyliss Schlafly, Barbara Walters, or Anita Bryant. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.
"How quickly they forget."
People In Foreign Countries Continue To Kill Each Other In Large Numbers For No Apparent Meaningful Reason
Dashing hopes that the new millenium would end horrific violence in war-torn nations around the world, individuals and political groups continued to kill each other in large numbers this weekend, for reasons that appeared trivial to everyone except those doing the killing.
"We are killing our enemies and God's enemies," Hamil Farbeshun, a spokesman for all of the people and groups on the planet committed to senselessly slaughtering their neighbors and total strangers. "What we are doing is good."
Farbeshun said that across the world, "people were seeking to do very bizarre things, like live in peace with their neighbors, earn a living, and raise their children. We believe people like that need to be killed."
Farbeshun said that a "loose alliance" of violent, blood-thirsty individuals and groups across the planet had declared November "International Killing Month" and had set quotas of killing "thousands, if not millions of people worldwide."
Human rights groups, the United Nations, and anyone with half a brain in his head deplored the killings, a fact that "meant nothing" to Farbeshun.
"All these people busy running around deploring what they call senseless violence aren't here in the trenches with us," he said. "If they could only see the innocent people we find so annoying, just spend one day with us, I'm sure they'd start killing, too."
"We are killing our enemies and God's enemies," Hamil Farbeshun, a spokesman for all of the people and groups on the planet committed to senselessly slaughtering their neighbors and total strangers. "What we are doing is good."
Farbeshun said that across the world, "people were seeking to do very bizarre things, like live in peace with their neighbors, earn a living, and raise their children. We believe people like that need to be killed."
Farbeshun said that a "loose alliance" of violent, blood-thirsty individuals and groups across the planet had declared November "International Killing Month" and had set quotas of killing "thousands, if not millions of people worldwide."
Human rights groups, the United Nations, and anyone with half a brain in his head deplored the killings, a fact that "meant nothing" to Farbeshun.
"All these people busy running around deploring what they call senseless violence aren't here in the trenches with us," he said. "If they could only see the innocent people we find so annoying, just spend one day with us, I'm sure they'd start killing, too."
McCain: Nothing Humiliating About Trivializing My Entire Career On SNL
Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, trailing in the polls even in many reliably red states, today told a hastily assembled Rockefeller Center news conference that there was "nothing humiliating" about trivializing his entire career with his pre-election appearance on Saturday Night Live.
"I kind of enjoyed it," McCain said. "They gave me a script and I read someone else's words. I understand a lot of politicians do that all the time."
McCain angrily denied reporters' insinuations that his campaign was so far behind Obama's that he had to "humiliate himself and prostitute his record as a serious individual" by appearing on the NBC comedy program.
"Clinton played sax on Arsenio Hall and Schwartneggar announced his candidacy for the governor of California on Leno," McCain pointed out. "I'm just following in a noble tradition of candidates showing their lighter sides."
Reporters pointed out to McCain that those appearances took place early in the campaigns of those other candidates and that his QVC spoof on Saturday Night Live "had the air of desperation."
"I'm not desperate," McCain insisted, sounding desperate. "In fact, our tracking polls revealed that we picked up at least half a point among voters too dumb to know the difference between Saturday Night Live and The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric. And that's a lot of voters."
McCain said that there was nothing "pathetic, undignified or demeaning about seeing my entire Presidential campaign reduced to third-rate comedy." He added that "world leaders were not likely to see the broadcast anyway, because the show comes on so late, so it wouldn't damage my standing as a statesman."
If today's poll numbers continue to reflect an "SNL bounce," McCain concluded, he would "take a pie in the face in Ohio, wear big floppy clown shoes at a campaign appearance in Virginia, and campaign in Florida with Andrew 'Dice' Clay, Jackie Mason, and Shecky Green."
"I kind of enjoyed it," McCain said. "They gave me a script and I read someone else's words. I understand a lot of politicians do that all the time."
McCain angrily denied reporters' insinuations that his campaign was so far behind Obama's that he had to "humiliate himself and prostitute his record as a serious individual" by appearing on the NBC comedy program.
"Clinton played sax on Arsenio Hall and Schwartneggar announced his candidacy for the governor of California on Leno," McCain pointed out. "I'm just following in a noble tradition of candidates showing their lighter sides."
Reporters pointed out to McCain that those appearances took place early in the campaigns of those other candidates and that his QVC spoof on Saturday Night Live "had the air of desperation."
"I'm not desperate," McCain insisted, sounding desperate. "In fact, our tracking polls revealed that we picked up at least half a point among voters too dumb to know the difference between Saturday Night Live and The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric. And that's a lot of voters."
McCain said that there was nothing "pathetic, undignified or demeaning about seeing my entire Presidential campaign reduced to third-rate comedy." He added that "world leaders were not likely to see the broadcast anyway, because the show comes on so late, so it wouldn't damage my standing as a statesman."
If today's poll numbers continue to reflect an "SNL bounce," McCain concluded, he would "take a pie in the face in Ohio, wear big floppy clown shoes at a campaign appearance in Virginia, and campaign in Florida with Andrew 'Dice' Clay, Jackie Mason, and Shecky Green."
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Idaho Proposition Would Give Fetuses The Right To Vote
"I'm fertilized and I vote!"
That's the message seen on bumper stickers all over Idaho, because Proposition Q on the Idaho state ballot would give fetuses the right to vote.
While laws in other states give fertilized eggs various forms of legal protection, this is the first time that they would enjoy the right to vote.
"We believe that fetuses are people, too," Diane Hendrickson, spokesperson for Idaho Voter Fetuses, or IVF, told a hastily assembled Boise news conference. "Just because you haven't been born yet doesn't mean you should be denied the right to vote."
Hendrickson said that physicians are "working on a test to determine the voting position of a fetus, based on how it lays in the uterus. So far, though, they all seem to be against abortion."
When asked by reporters whether the proposition granting fetuses voting rights was just simply a gimmick of the religious right to get Republican voters who aren't McCain supporters to the polls, Hendrickson offered a terse "no comment."
That's the message seen on bumper stickers all over Idaho, because Proposition Q on the Idaho state ballot would give fetuses the right to vote.
While laws in other states give fertilized eggs various forms of legal protection, this is the first time that they would enjoy the right to vote.
"We believe that fetuses are people, too," Diane Hendrickson, spokesperson for Idaho Voter Fetuses, or IVF, told a hastily assembled Boise news conference. "Just because you haven't been born yet doesn't mean you should be denied the right to vote."
Hendrickson said that physicians are "working on a test to determine the voting position of a fetus, based on how it lays in the uterus. So far, though, they all seem to be against abortion."
When asked by reporters whether the proposition granting fetuses voting rights was just simply a gimmick of the religious right to get Republican voters who aren't McCain supporters to the polls, Hendrickson offered a terse "no comment."
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