Friday, March 27, 2009

Gloria Allred Reveals She Fathered Octo-Mom’s Kids

Los Angeles civil rights attorney Gloria Allred today revealed to a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference that she secretly fathered the eight newborn children of Octo-Mom Nadja Suleiman.

“I’m a man,” Allred admitted, pulling off her hair and makeup before a live TV audience. “I’ve been living a lie all these years. It took Nadja to help me finally tell the truth.”

Allred, who has handled many of the leading civil rights cases over the last few decades, was always known for her strong support of feminism combined with a high degree of toughness in the courtroom.

“I found it easier to succeed in a man’s world as a woman,” Allred told stunned reporters. “But Nadja helped me find my masculine side. She’s all woman, and that brought out the man in me.”

Allred, who told reporters she intends to revert to her birth name, George, said she will take an indeterminate leave of absence from her law practice and raise all 14 children, including the octoplets, "with the woman I love.”

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Buffalo Bills Let T.O. Into Their Bedroom, Claiming Owens Promises Not To “Take Advantage"

The Buffalo Bills today let former Dallas Cowboy, San Francisco 49er, and Philadelphia Eagle Terrell Owens into their bedroom today “just to sleep and to be friends,” claiming that “Owens promised he would not take advantage or do anything bad.”

Bills General Manager Russ Brandon told a hastily assembled if sparsely attended Buffalo news conference “Owens said he would be a perfect gentleman and that he wouldn’t try anything. He said we could trust him, and that nothing will happen.”

Brandon told both reporters present that “Just because Terrell has had some accusations against him in the past doesn’t mean he won’t behave honorably. We think he respects us and will just look for a quick kiss goodnight but won’t ask for anything more than that.”

Brandon also said that “contrary to published reports, the Buffalo Bills still do play in the National Football League and that Buffalo in fact is in America, and we do have telephone and Internet, so people will be able to find out what happens with T.O., the same day it happens.”

AIG Employee Finds $500 Billion In Bailout Money Behind Desk

“We knew it was around here somewhere,” AIG New York office manager Rachel Buttowitz told a hastily assembled New York news conference, after a temp worker discovered $500 billion in small bills in several briefcases stuck behind a desk in a lightly used office.

“We’re relieved, of course,” Buttowitz told reporters. “You know how it is when you’ve lost something important and then you find it.”

Buttowitz said that the $500 billion was TARP money recently delivered from the U.S. Treasury to aid in the bank’s bailout.

“I think that one of our people was on the way to the bank with the money when he got a phone call from a client,” Buttowitz explained, “and she got distracted with a client’s business, and she just left the briefcases here. And then the cleaning staff must have just stuck them behind the desks during our recent remodel.”

Buttowitz said that AIG was now conducting an “office-by-office sweep” to make sure that there weren’t any other suitcases full of billions of dollars in TARP money somewhere else.

The temp was given a $50 reward for finding the $500 billion, Buttowitz said.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Hillary: Under My Brilliant New Plan, Syria Can Sponsor Only 100 Suicide Bombers Per Year

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today told Syrian President Bashir al-Assad that under her brilliant new plan, Syria could sponsor up to 100 suicide bombers per year.

“We think that if Syria can keep it under 100 suicide bombers in a 12-month period, we can convince Israel to give back the Golan Heights,” Clinton told a hastily arranged news Damascus news conference.

“If Israel really wants to have peace in the region,” Clinton said, “it has to accept the fact that Syria is going to sponsor terrorism. But if Israel gives up the Golan Heights, then we can probably get Syria to sponsor less terrorism.”

Clinton said that she was “very excited” to go to Israel and present her brilliant new plan to the Israeli government “as soon as they have one.”

“Those Israelis have to be pretty used to people blowing themselves up,” Clinton said. “But if I can get them to accept this peace proposal, then I’m a lock for the Nobel Peace Prize. And it’s only my first 100 days as Secretary of State.”

Thursday, March 5, 2009

GM Admits Locking UAW Members in Trunks Of Cars Sent Overseas

GM CEO Rick Wagoner today admitted to a hastily assembled Detroit news conference that the struggling auto maker had been locking one to three UAW members inside the trunk of each car and truck manufactured in the United States and shipped overseas.

"We did provide each auto worker with food and water sufficient for the journey," Wagoner said, "but we cannot deny that we were trying to reduce our labor force, and this seemed like a good idea at the time."

Wagoner said that "upwards of 600" auto workers had been "off-shored" in the program, Operation Spare Parts, which GM management had crafted in late 2008 in order to minimize health care and pension liabilities for GM workers.

Wagoner denied that only old and sick workers were selected for "off-shoring." He claimed that "all workers, even some healthy ones, were sent overseas."

The workers were locked into cars one at a time, and as many as three in an Escalade, and sent to countries including Belgium, Singapore, and Fiji.

"Without papers, they would not have been able to return to the United States," Wagoner said. "Wall Street told us to cut costs. So we cut costs. And maybe a few corners, too, truth be told."

Wagoner said that Operation Spare Parts would not have come to light except for the fact that one of the locked-in workers, an aging, infirm windshield wiper installer two years from retirement, pushed the OnStar button while the car in which he was locked was about to leave the Port of Los Angeles for South Korea.

"At least we know OnStar works," Wagoner concluded. "Just one more reason to buy GM."

Expensive New Gov't Study: Goatees Cause Obesity In Middle-Aged Men

An expensive new government study reveals that goatees and other forms of unshaven chin hair can cause obesity in middle-aged men.

"Failure to shave one's chin thoroughly can result in unwanted waistline flab," National Institutes of Health spokesman Tammy Finer told a hastily assembled Besthesda, Maryland news conference.

"You see it all the time," Finer told reporters. "Guys with little goatees and wispy beards on their chins--they suddenly are sprouting an extra 30, 50, or even 70 pounds of belly fat. Our study, which took five years and cost more than $6.2 million, shows a definite link between growing those funny little beards and getting fat, even obese."

As a result of the study, Finer said, the government was now recommending as a health issue that men over 35 not grow goatees, because "goatees clearly make men fat."

Finer said that the government was "convinced" that "we can reduce obesity in middle-aged men if only they would get rid of those little beards."

The NIH, Finer said, was "the government's best weapon in the war against bad health" and that "every dime of the very expensive, multi-million dollar studies we commission on behalf of taxpayers is a wise expenditure of the money."

When reporters asked whether the government report might have confused cause with effect--that obese, middle-aged men grew goatees in order to cover up flabby chins--Finer rubbed her chin, paused, and replied, "That's really interesting. We never thought of that."

Limbaugh Challenges Obama To Arm-Wrestle For Supremacy Of World

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh today challenged President Barack Obama to "arm-wrestle for supremacy of the world."

"I will arm-wrestle the President," Limbaugh told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "Either arm, left or right. Best of three arm-wrestles. And the winner shall be judged Supreme Ruler of the Entire World."

Limbaugh said that "The President was elected by 60 million people, but more than 20 million people a week listen to me. So in the course of a month, I have more listeners than he has voters. He has no right to think he runs this country. I do."

Limbaugh said that arm-wrestling was "the perfect method of settling matters" because the President had been "twisting arms in Congress" to "arm-wrestle the country into Marxism, and it's time that someone stand up to him."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Beckham To Use Stunt Double For Remaining American Soccer Matches

International soccer star David Beckham today told a hastily assembled Milan news conference that he would use a stunt double “to play myself” in American soccer.

“We hate L.A.,” Beckham said, speaking for himself and his wife, a former singer, “we hate America, and we hate American-style soccer. We even hate the name ‘soccer’. And we hate American football, too.”

Beckham said that the use of a stunt double would allow him to “perform at the highest levels for soccer fans in Italy who appreciate my greatness as a player and not just my angular, phenomenal physique.”

Beckham said that his feelings about America “weren’t personal, because we don’t like anyone or anything about the country. The use of a stunt double will satisfy American soccer fans, because I hadn’t played that much anyway, so no one will really notice the difference.”

Beckham did thank the 8 million Americans who bought his replica t-shirt, which, he said, he didn’t like, either.