Thursday, October 30, 2008

Poll: Keep Electoral College, Get Rid Of Presidency

87 percent of Americans surveyed in a recent CNN-NBC-ESPN-Hustler Magazine poll indicated that they would like to see the electoral college remain in existence but that the country needs to get rid of the Presidency.

“An increasingly high number of Americans now views the Presidency as an outdated, anachronistic, potentially dangerous institution,” Augustus Thompson, a spokesman for the poll, told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.

“The Presidency is an 18th century concept that has no place in a 21st century world,” Thompson said. “At least that’s what we’re hearing from registered voters.

Thompson said people who answered pollsters’ questions agreed that the electoral college “has never sent this country into war, has never created a scandal like Watergate or Iran-Contra, and has never been caught having sex with an intern.”

The electoral college, Thompson said, “is pretty much the only respectable political institution left.”

Many have criticized the electoral college because it reduces the Presidential contest to a handful of battleground states, but “few voters seem to mind that their votes don’t count,” Thompson said. “They feel that if they’re in a non-battleground state, at least their consciences are clean, because they didn’t put yet another yahoo in the Oval Office.”

World Series Broadcaster Miller "Astonished" To Discover He Has Broadcast Partner In The Booth

Longtime World Series radio announcer Jon Miller told a hastily assembled Philadelphia, Pennsylvania news conference that he was “astonished, blown away, amazed” to learn that he actually had a broadcast partner, baseball Hall of Famer Joe Morgan.

“I’ve seen him around over the years,” Miller admitted, “but I thought he worked for Fox Sports or something, perhaps on the technical staff. Frankly, it was annoying to hear his voice offering a commentary on top of my commentary. I just thought he was mumbling instructions to the guys in the truck. I had no idea he was my co-announcer.”

Miller and Morgan have been co-announcing the World Series since 2001, but last night’s clinching Game 5 of the 2008 World Series was the first time that the men had been formally introduced.

“I’m embarrassed to say,” Miller continued, “that I asked security to remove Joe from the broadcasting booth because his talking had turned from a tiny rivulet of baseball conversation to an irritating tsunami of baseball memories. That’s when my producer quietly took me aside and explained exactly who Morgan was and what his role was as my partner.”

Miller admitted that was always so immersed in preparation for the games that he “didn’t pay proper attention to the people around me. I mean, there are 25 people on each team, and some of them have funny names that you have to learn to pronounce. I don’t always have time to introduce myself around.”

Miller said that he was “pleased” to have a broadcast partner, especially one with Hall of Fame credentials, and that he planned to use the off-season to discuss with production officials how to make the move from being a solo broadcaster, “or at least thinking I was one, to an actual broadcast team.”

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

GM's New "Green" Car Turns Out To Be '73 Nova With A Maaco Paint Job

General Motors took a huge step backwards in its quest to acquire 'green credibilty" when its new Chevrolet Green, offered as a high-mileage hybrid vehicle, turned out to be a '73 Chevy Nova with a green paint job from Maaco.

"We're disappointed," GM CEO Rick Waggoner told a hastily assembled Detroit, Michigan news conference. "We really thought we had something special here."

GM, Waggoner said, had devoted "tens of billions of dollars--okay, tens of dollars" to creating a truly "green" or environmentally friendly vehicle. "We went through hundreds of prototypes--okay, a couple of prototypes. Okay, a couple of sketches on the backs of some Tigers programs. But we really thought we had a car that could change the world."

GM's total investment in the Chevrolet Green, Waggoner admitted, was "just under $200, the cost of painting a '73 Nova over at the Maaco in the Cass Corridor here in Detroit. They had a coupon in the paper."

Waggoner said sheepishly that he thought that the market really would accept the '73 Chevy Nova as a "sustainable, environmentally acceptable vehicle, but I guess people saw through it."

When asked how many miles the freshly painted '73 Nova got to the gallon, Waggoner turned red and admitted "I don't know. We actually weren't able to get it started."

Hostess Cakes: We'll Help End World Hunger By Enlarging Twinkies

Hostess Cakes, makers of Twinkies, said that it would contribute to the fight against world hunger by increasing the size of Twinkies by 25 percent.

"We care," Hostess spokesperson Abigail Dunphy told a hastily arranged Omaha, Nebraska news conference. "We understand that a billion people around the globe are going to bed hungry each night. By increasing the size of Twinkies, we believe we are making a meaningful contribution to the cause of ending world hunger."

Dunphy said the company understood that most starving people around the world had never even seen a Twinkie, "let alone enjoyed the creamy insides or the delicious, moist cake surrounding the cream. So we can't really do much for them, since the price of a pack of Twinkies is often equal to a month's wages in those countries.

"But here at home," she added, "hungry is hungry. And people are hungry, and when they are, we want them to reach for a Twinkies. Now that they're larger, they will be more satisfying."

Dunphy pointed out that the average fruit such as apples and oranges "had not increased in size since they were introduced into the marketplace. Even bananas are the same size. So we don't really believe that those so-called organic or non-corporate food producers are really walking the talk.

"At Hostess, we're trying to put a dent in world hunger. 2,000 calories at a time."

Stevens Maintains Innocence: Says He Never Met Ron, Nicole

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, convicted of corruption charges, maintained his innocence to a hastily assembled Juneau, Alaska news conference, asserting powerfully that he "never even met Ron and Nicole. I'm not a killer, and I'm keeping my Senate seat."

Stevens claimed that he had never been to Brentwood, California and that he had never eaten at Mezzaluna Restaurant, and that he had never played in the NFL.

"I will appeal my conviction," Stevens declared, "and when it is overturned, I will devote the rest of my life to finding the true killers.

"I offer my condolences to the Goldman and Simpson families," Stevens said. "But I want to assure them that I am not culpable in this matter."

Reporters pointed out to Senator Stevens that he had not been convicted of double homicide but instead had been convicted of corruption.

"As I said," Senators Stevens replied, "I am not responsible for the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson and I will fight this miscarriage of justice to the bitter end. As a great man once said, "If I did not commit, then you must acquit."

Monday, October 27, 2008

Palin: Vote For McCain Or I’ll Shoot This Caribou

Republican Vice Presidential candidate today held a 1,200 pound female caribou named Mary at rifle point and told reporters that if Americans didn’t vote for John McCain, the caribou would get it “right between the eyes.”

Palin, wearing a Givenchy gown and Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals, along with a 12 carat tiara, her hair and makeup done to perfection, told a hastily assembled Anchorage, Alaska news conference that she was “sorry it’s come to this. But either McCain wins or Mary becomes a trophy in the Governor’s Office.”

Political observers had expected the McCain/Palin campaign to come out swinging in the last days of the campaign, but none of them expected Palin to take as a hostage a doe-eyed, gentle caribou that had never caused the slightest bit of trouble to humans, according to published reports.

Palin said that she would keep her rifle trained on Mary the caribou “until our poll numbers improve.”

Sunday, October 26, 2008

George H.W. Bush Offers To Buy Son New Legacy

Former President George H.W. Bush today offered to buy his son, current President George W. Bush, a "shiny, brand-new legacy to replace the smoking pile of kaka that he created over the last eight years."

Former President Bush told a hastily assembled Kennebunkport, Maine news conference that his son had not only "driven the United States into the ground economically and diplomatically, he's also destroyed our family name."

The Former President told reporters he was willing to spend "whatever is necessary" to buy off journalists, reporters, and historians "with or without publishing deals, contracts for magazines, or appointments at even minor universities to write something nice about my boy."

Former President Bush candidly acknowledged that President George W. Bush had allowed himself to be misled by neoconservaties and dragged into a "quagmire that makes the Vietnam War look like a beach vacation" and toppled the economy "like a dozen bowling pins."

Nevertheless, Former President Bush argued, "He's a good boy. He stopped using drugs a long time ago. He was never much of a student, but he did get through Yale. He's got to live with his legacy, but more important, so do Barbara and I. Please, America, give our family one last chance."

Saturday, October 25, 2008

IMF Director Blamed For Poor Judgment, Poor Taste In Affair With Staffer

International Monetary Fund managing director, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was today condemned for "poor judgment and poor taste" with regard to an affair he conducted with an IMF subordinate.

"We understand that a man of great power would sleep with someone in his office," Francois D'Allene, lead investigator, told a hastily assembled Paris news conference. "What we didn't understand was his taste--the woman in question is, how you say, ugly as a sin."

Strauss-Kohn will be allowed to keep his job as managing director of the IMF, according to D'Allene, but he will be "encouraged to find a more, how you say, attractionate woman with whom to go to bed with. The head of the IMF is a very powerful man and can sleep with practically any woman from any developing country as a condition of that nation's loan agreement.

"We just hope that he will pick a prettier woman next time and spare the IMF the embarrassment of seeing its leader sneaking around with a woman who is, how you say, ugly enough for two people."

The unnamed woman, a lead translator in the Paris office of the IMF, was given 90 days of paid leave "and the phone number of a good, how you say, cosmetique surgeon," D'Allene told reporters. "It was the least we could do for la pauvre bete."

American Children Vote Not To Repay Iraq War-Related Debt

American children voted today to refuse to pay Iraq War-related debt when they become old enough to pay taxes, according to Eric Ingberg, 12, spokeschild for American children.

"We refuse to enter adulthood saddled with debt by our parents' generation's stupid war," Ingberg told a hastily assembled Arlington, Virginia news conference. "It was their idea. Let them all get second jobs and pay for the War, related debt service, maintaining a garrison force in Iraq, and physical and mental health-related expenses for our service people. But we aren't gonna pay a dime, nuh-uh."

Ingberg said that "Our parents make us clean up our messes before we go to bed. Our attitude is, clean up your own mess, Moms and Dads of America. Because we won't."

The vote, which is legally binding, took place online at various websites that attract large numbers of children and teenagers, including Webkinz and PBSKids for the younger set and various porn sites for the teens.

"Our message to adults is this," Ingberg told reporters. "If we go into a store and break something, or if we break our neighbor's window playing baseball, we have to do chores and get money taken out of our allowance to pay for it.

"You guys broke more than a toy in a toy store or a pane of glass. You sent 4,000 American soldiers to their deaths and cost the nation more than $3 trillion. So get a second job, grownups, and pay off what you started.

"And if you don't do it, no dessert for the next 60 years."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Todd Palin Blows Entire $150K Clothing Allowance On Negligees, Snowshoes

Todd Palin blew his wife Sarah's entire $150,000 clothing allowance from the Republican National Committee on negligees and snowshoes, according to published reports.

"Mr. Palin spent over $100,000 of the funds at Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood," RNC spokesman Frank Traveller told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference, "mostly on crotchless panties, push-up bras and bustieres, and items with fur on them. The rest of the money went to L.L. Bean for snowshoes."

The RNC had come under fire for giving Ms. Palin a $150,000 clothing allowance at the same time that the U.S. economy was in freefall, but no accounting of the money had been offered until now.

"The money was supposed to be spent on designer outfits and shoes," Traveller told reporters, "items that would enhance Ms. Palin's image as a potential world leader. But Mr. Palin must have gotten hold of the check, and his predelictions for sex and snowshoeing proved to be irrestable to him."

Todd Palin apparently purchased "as many as 4,000 items of lingerie," Traveller admitted. "And close to 200 pairs of snowshoes in various styles and designs. We know they love the outdoors, and they have, what is it, five kids. But how much sex or outdoorsmanship does any Vice President need?"

The Obama campaign, flush in cash and ahead by as many as 10 percentage points in national polls, promised the Republican National Committee not to make fun of the Palins for Todd Palin's shopping spree, Traveller said.

"We are appreciative of their thoughtfulness," Traveller told reporters. He also said that as soon as the campaign is over and the Palins had used all of the 4,000 pieces of lingerie in the course of their lovemaking, each item would be "carefully washed and donated to charity."


NFL Owners, Disappointed With Season To Date, Reduce Salaries To 1958 Levels

NFL team owners, distressed by poor play, dull games, and low ratings in the early part of the 2009 season, have voted unanimously to reduce players' salaries to 1958 levels.

"We're only going to pay $6,500 to $8,500 a year for our star players," Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told a hastily assembled Dallas news conference. "The rest of the players will get bags of groceries or beer. Subpar play gets subpar pay."

In the 1950s, prior to enormous TV contracts, NFL players received minimal salaries and "played for the love of the game," Jones said. "They knew that if it weren't for the NFL, they'd be loading trucks for a living. Their gratitude to their owners was evident in the quality of their play."

Today's players, Jones said, "are so spoiled that they won't play even if their little finger hurts," an obvious reference to Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo's recent injury. "Back in the day, you had broken ribs, or brain damage, or you needed amputation, you kept on playing."

Jones said that owners would continue to pay players "approximately $500 a game" until the quality of play improved "or until their lawyers force us to honor our contracts with them. But at $6,500 a year, they can't even put down a retainer on a lawyer. We think we're sitting pretty."

Trial Lawyers Celebrate First Cellphone-Related Brain Tumor With Massive Vegas Blowout

Trial lawyers lit the Las Vegas skyline with a massive fireworks display capping one of the biggest parties the gambling Mecca has ever seen, celebrating confirmed reports in the New England Journal of Medicine of the first-ever cellphone-related brain tumor.

“This is gonna make litigation over smoking, asbestos and Celebrex look like traffic tickets,” said a red-faced Harlan Ogleberg, a Tupelo, Missouri attorney specializing in class actions. “We can sue the phone companies on behalf of every single human being with a cellphone. We’re gonna make billions.”

Ogleberg called the anticipated lawsuit “the mother of all class actions” and said that he and his friends expected to win “billions, maybe even trillions of dollars. Basically, we’re gonna own AT&T, Sprint, and maybe even Apple. We’re gonna have more money than even we know what to do with.”

Ogleberg and the nation’s other leading class action attorneys converged on Las Vegas in a procession of Gulfstream V jets as soon as the story about the first cellphone-related brain tumor hit Google News. Their ostensible purpose was to coordinate legal strategy but their main reason for meeting in Las Vegas was “to party like we’ve never partied before. And trial lawyers know how to party.”

Some scientists have been warning for years that the effect of holding a radiation-emitting device so close to one’s brain could have medical consequences, a notion ignored by the phone companies and cellphone users alike. If a wave of brain tumors related to cellphones does in fact occur, cellphone manufacturers and service providers may be on the hook for billions.

Reporters asked Ogleberg how much the average plaintiff in a cellphone brain tumor case might receive. The attorney took out an envelope stuffed with cash labeled “For Hookers” and did some rapid calculations.

“We attorneys would probably make in the area of $10 to $20 billion,” he said. “The average cellphone user with a brain tumor would probably get, you know, after our expenses and legal fees, one of those plastic cards that gives you 60 minutes of free calls. Hey, they’ve got brain tumors. It’s not like they’re gonna need the money.”

Monday, October 20, 2008

Gov’t Admits It Can See You Websurfing

In what comes as an unwelcome surprise to many Americans, the federal government today admitted that it can see you websurfing through a new CIA surveillance program, Web ICU2.0.

“We’re really trying to catch terrorists,” CIA spokesman Ed Grievers told a hastily assembled Langley, Virginia news conference. “But we sure see a lot of people shall we say deeply and personally involved with online porn.”

Grievers said he understood that the government watching people surf the Internet represented “a potentially grave threat to civil liberties, but there was no Internet when the Bill of Rights was written, so we see it as a grey area.”

Grievers said that all laptops and most desktop computers built since 2005 contained hidden cameras embedded in the computer screens, allowing government workers “practically unfettered access to the Internet use of practically every American, all of which we duly record on our servers.”

In the past, Griever noted, Internet privacy issues extended only to questions of tracking users’ Web histories. “This is a whole new ballgame,” he said. “You really may want to wear a mask or a scarf over your face if you don’t want people to see you looking at certain things online.”

The CIA has been secretly developing ICU2.0 since the 9/11 attacks and was able to introduce the tiny cameras into computer screens without knowledge of computer manufacturers.

“I have to admit watching people online distracts us from the war on terror,” Grievers said, “but man, it’s fun.”

McCain Offers To Leave Race For $150 Million

Declaring “I can compete against one African American legendary figure, like Barack Obama, but not two,” referring to yesterday’s endorsement of Obama by former Secretary of State Colin Powell, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today offered to leave the race for $150 million.

Obama coincidentally announced yesterday having raised a record $150 million in September.

“He’s gonna spend the money anyway,” McCain said. “And I’m gonna lose whether the campaign goes on or not. So I say, give me the money, I’ll withdraw gracefully and support you, and we’ll have one of those ‘unity government’ things they have in some of the foreign countries out there.”

McCain said that while he had “enjoyed” the Presidential race, the idea of actually “being President” now struck him as “tiring” and he thought he would be better off “just kind of hanging out and resting, you know, at one of our five or six or seven homes, whatever the number might be.”

Asked by reporters whether he considered the $150 million a “bribe” to leave the raise, McCain offered a sharp denial.

“I’m not asking anyone to bribe anyone,” McCain said. “It’s just kind of a, you know, resignation fee. No candidate has ever offered to quit a race before. It’s in keeping with my maverick persona. And this way, I’ll have almost as much money as my wife.”

A spokesman for the Obama campaign told the Dissociated Press that “while the offer was unexpected, to say the least, we’re studying the manner, and we’re wondering if McCain would quit for, say, 75 million instead of the entire 150. But it might be more fun to just spend the money, run the ads, and win the legitimate way. We’ll see.”

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Massive Write-Ins For Hitler Indicate Continuing Problems In Florida Balloting

More than 837 "early voting" ballots from predominantly Jewish precincts in Palm Beach County, Florida all contained write-in votes for Adolf Hitler for U.S. President, indicating that irregularities and errors may still be affecting Presidential voting in the Sunshine State.

"Adolf Hitler is ineligible to become President," Florida Election Commission spokesperson Jessica Katz told reporters, "because he is foreign-born and because he is dead. The fact that so many Jewish people appear to have cast their ballots for Mr. Hitler indicates that we may still have some problems in the voting process."

In 2000, the so-called "Butterfly Ballot" led to many Jews mistakenly casting their ballots for Republican Party candidate Pat Buchanan, "whom many Jews view as one step up, or one step down, from Mr. Hitler," Ms. Katz told reporters.

"We're working on fixing the problem," Ms. Katz added. "We know that the system is broken throughout the state. That's because we also have reports of large numbers of rural, white, working class Floridians casting their early ballots for Barack Obama.

"We don't want our state to be the laughingstock of the nation," Ms. Katz concluded. "Although with a choice as weak as McCain and Obama, we think that people have a lot more than Florida that they ought to be worrying about."

Bush Decries War, Greed; Seeks $10 Million For Memoir

A remorseful President George W. Bush told a hastily assembled White House news conference that he was wrong about the Iraq War and that greed led to the collapse of the stock market, and that for $10 million "from the right publisher" and $250,000 from the right group that wanted to hire him to give a speech, he would explain why war and greed were bad.

"I have learned the error of my ways," the President told reporters. "I presided over an unwinnable war and the unconscionable deregulation of the banking industry. War and greed have all but destroyed our nation. If the right publisher steps up with a $10 million advance, I will explain in detail my new crusade against war and greed."

When asked by reporters what publisher would be the right publisher, the President replied, "Any publisher offering $10 million would be the right publisher."

President Bush pointed to a long list of notable Americans who "like me, all but destroyed the country" including Johnson-era Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara and former President Bill Clinton who got the country mired in Vietnam in one case and sold the country out to the Chinese in the other "and got big advances for their memoirs so they could explain how remorseful they had become since leaving office.

"Well, I feel remorseful to the tune of $10 million for the book and $250K per speech," the President concluded. "So if anyone wants to know why greed and war are wrong, I'll be happy to explain, as long as the money's right."

Rite-Aid Admits Half Its Stores Have Zero Employees

A spokesman for Rite-Aid, Inc., which operates 1036 large-scale pharmacies across the United States, today admitted to a hastily assembled Bronx, New York news conference that half of its stores "are completely unmanned."

Jerry Ringer, Vice President for Consumer Relations, said that the company was finally admitting to its "Zero Employee Policy" after bloggers had encouraged customers to shoplift "everything they could physically carry out of the store."

"We formerly just had a few employees in each store, mostly for restocking shelves and one for working the cash register," Ringer told reporters. "This is aside from the pharmacy, which is always occupied by actual human beings.

"We found that no matter how few employees there were," Ringer said, "no matter how bad service became, our customers never left us. I guess they had no alternatives, since we had already wiped out all of the family-run traditional pharmacies in the United States."

Rite-Aid had gone to a "Self-Serve Checkout" concept, Ringer said, which "masked the fact that we simply had no employees anywhere in the building, except to restock shelves between midnight and two a.m. We were counting on the essential honesty of the American people."

When awareness of the Zero Zemployee Policy reached the blogosphere, Ringer said, the company had to act.

"It's true that our stores are understaffed to the point of not being staffed at all," Ringer told reporters. "But look. If you wander the aisles long enough, you'll eventually find whatever you need, plus some other stuff you forgot you needed. And as long as you used the Self-Serve Checkout, you got what you wanted and we didn't need to pay salaries to people.

"It was a win-win."

Ringer said that Rite-Aid was now accepting applications from individuals who "are willing to work an hour or so a day, just to make sure nobody who goes on the Internet and reads about what we're really doing is in our stores and stealing us blind."

With Oil Prices Plunging, OPEC Seeks Bailout From U.S. Taxpayers

“Our families are down to their last trillion dollars,” OPEC spokesman Najib al-Souk told a hastily assembled Dubai news conference. “The collapse of oil prices is hurting the oil producing companies and our neighborhoods and families. We look to our reliable friend George Bush and the U.S. taxpayer to bail us out.”

Oil has dropped to $70 a barrel from its record $144 price and is headed to as low as $50 a gallon, according to oil experts, thus denying oil-producing nations a critical flow of petrodollars.

“Americans who are losing their 1,700 square foot homes can’t understand our pain,” al-Souk told reporters. “We are on the verge of losing 25,000 square meter mansions. Ferraris. Trips to the South of France. We need help before we lose everything.”

OPEC has called for an emergency meeting in Vienna to discuss a cutback in production, to stabilize prices, which may drop to as low as $2.20 a gallon at the pump by year’s end.

“Our future depends on the U.S. taxpayer to bail us out,” al-Souk told reporters. “We are just as much a part of U.S. life as its banks and mortgage lenders. If the government can provide $700 billion for them, what about a few hundred billion for us?”

Al-Souk said that he personally was three months behind on the mortgage for his palatial, 400-room mansion on a 300-acre estate in a suburb of Dubai City.

“If we don’t get help from the American taxpayer,” he said, “either in the form of higher gas prices or a bailout, we stand to lose our entire profligate, wasteful, over-the-top, outrageous way of life. We will no longer have the money to support appropriately selected terrorists. Our children will have to be driven to school in Camrys, not Lamborghinis.

“It’s wrong, it’s cruel, and above all, it’s un-American.”

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Pittsburgh Pirates, Incompetent At Baseball, Try, Fail At Real Piracy

The Pittsburgh Pirates, coming off a disastrous 95-loss season and a last place finish in the Central Division of the National League, have proven to be equally inept at actual piracy, according to reports.

“These Pirates are horrible at whatever they try,” U.S. Coast Guard spokesman Alan Engall told a hastily assembled Pittsburgh news conference. “They must have seen news reports from Africa about real pirates, so they must have figured, why not us?”

Seven members of the 2008 Pittsburgh Pirates, wearing eyepatches and fake peglegs and carrying what appeared to be starters’ pistols, boarded a boat on the Allegheny River which turned out to be a police vessel. All 7 Pirates were taken into custody.

Two other Pirates sought to “boatjack” a cigarette boat refueling on the Ohio River and were beaten into semi-consciousness by the boat’s driver and passengers, who were allegedly delivering narcotics throughout central Pennsylvania for a Colombian drug cartel.

Finally, two of the team’s coaches sought to board an amphibious tourbus without paying the proper fare. When they identified themselves as Pirates, an angry crowd of Pittsburghers tossed them into the Monongahela River, where they drowned.

“This story should be a caution to anyone who thinks that piracy is easy,” Engall told reporters. “We think people should just leave real piracy to the professionals.”

Saturday, October 11, 2008

McCain: Quit Calling Attention To Obama’s Terrorist Friend, Islamic Middle Name, Skin Color

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain told a hastily assembled Youngstown, Ohio news conference that it was wrong for surrogates campaigning on his behalf to draw attention to “my opponent’s ties to domestic terrorism, his middle name, which is Hussein, H-U-S-S-E-I-N, as in Sadaam Hussein, and the fact that he is a black man.”

McCain pointed out that the U.S. Constitution “guarantees freedom of association, which means that Americans are free to associate with known, dangerous domestic terrorists. They also have freedom of middle names, which means that people can have the middle name Hussein, H-U-S-S-E-I-N, as in Sadaam Hussein. And they have the freedom to be any color they like, including black. B-L-A-C-K.”

Campaigns should take the high road, McCain told reporters. “I would never criticize my opponent, Osama Bin Barack, I mean Barack Bin Hussein, I mean, Barack Hussein, H-U-S-S-E-I-N, as in Sadaam Hussein Obama, for having as a best friend a man who is a domestic terrorist, just as Osama Bin Ladin is an international terrorist. And if Obama wants to be black, that’s B-L-A-C-K, that’s his choice.”

McCain said that he would “severely chastise” any member of his campaign or any surrogate campaigner on his behalf who emphasized Obama’s “murderous friends, suspiciously Islamic-sounding middle name, and especially his race. Just because he’s black and his middle name is Hussein, H-U-S-S-E-I-N, as in Sadaam Hussein, and his best friend and possible gay lover is a domestic terrorist in no way disqualifies him to be President of the United States.”

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Distraught, Dyslexic Hefner Girlfriend, 28, Thought Hef, 82, "Was My Age"

Holly Madison, 28, until recently the "primary girlfriend" of Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner, discovered to her horror that Hef was not her age but was actually 82 years old.

"Dyslexia can really mess up your whole life," Madison told a hastily assembled Bel Air, California news conference. "I thought I read that Hef was 28. I had no idea he was 82. I can't believe I was planning children and a future with him!""

Madison admitted that "Hef looked old for a 28-year-old when I first met him, but I thought he had bad skin or did a lot of drugs or something like that. He didn't have a job or anything, so I figured he was maybe a drug dealer or something."

Madison said friends tried to tell her that Hefner had begun publishing Playboy Magazine back in the 1950s, but she thought they were "just jealous. I mean, the guy has this huge house, and he's only 28. I thought if he wasn't a drug dealer, he was a trust fund baby. So often in L.A., if you're one, you're the other."

Madison said that Hefner took the news of the break-up "calmly. He thanked me for my honesty, and then he wanted to know which one I was. I wasn't sure how to take that."

Madison told reporters that her dyslexia was so bad that her favorite sexual position was 96 and that any man who could give her "01 inches" was to contact her via her website,

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

236 Wall Street Bankers Arrested, Flown To Gitmo In Daring Midday Raids

In a series of daring midday raids on the trading floors of six of Manhattan’s leading investment banks, a combined New York Police Department-FBI-ATF Task Force arrested 236 bankers and had them flown to the federal prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they are awaiting charges.

“They’re guilty of something,” FBI spokesman Fred Durning told a hastily assembled New York news conference. “They took down the banking system the way Osama took down the Trade Center. They’re going away for a long time.”

Durning admitted that while the bankers had not been charged with any specific crimes, “the precedent set by the incarceration at Gitmo of the terrorists we scooped up back in ’01 allows the federal government to hold anyone for as long as it takes to pass laws that they can be found to have broken. That’s what’s happening with the bankers.”

The bankers were arrested in their offices, on trading floors, and in one case, "while getting a pedicure in a small office at Goldman Merrill Shearson Lehman Chase," Durning said.

"It just seemed wrong," Durning said, "that these individuals who destroyed the American economy with their unbridled greed could still walk the streets as free men. The FBI can only work domestically, which means we can't go after Osama. But getting the bankers behind bars is the next best thing."

Durning said that the bankers had been flown to Guantanamo Bay "for their own safety. We cannot guarantee their safety anywhere on the mainland, because people are so upset about what these individuals did. Maybe in five or six years, tempers will die down. Until then, it's barbed wire, three hots, and a cot."

“They are being treated humanely at Guantanamo Bay,” Durning added. “Within two years, each will be permitted a visit from their attorneys and/or family members. All of the bankers are being incarcerated in keeping with the rules of the Geneva Convention.”

Durning said that each banker “had been issued his own personal prayer mat and copy of the Koran.”

When told that few, or even none, of the arrested bankers were Moslems, Durning replied, “It’s just my job to arrest people. After that, God can sort them out.”

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Revealing Flaws In Bailout, U.S. Gov’t Buys Tampa Man’s 3-Bedroom Home For $1.6 Billion

“Obviously we still have a few kinks in the system,” Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference, after published reports that the Government had made its first purchase of troubled real estate after the passage of the bank bailout bill.

Richard Alvarez, a Tampa mortgage broker, applied online through the Treasury Department’s website, seeking relief because his business had declined precipitously in light of the real estate crisis. He had sought $180,000 for his home, for which he had paid $240,000 in 2004, but a “oversight, a typo, really,” according to Secretary Paulsen, resulted in the $1.8 billion payout.

“The system is not geared to buy individual homeowner’s homes,” Paulsen told reporters. “Its purpose is to bail out the banks by taking unsaleable commercial paper out of the marketplace. How Mr. Alvarez’s situation slipped past our regulators is something we’re looking closely at.”

Paulsen denied a reporter’s assertion that “the federal government hiring bankers to fix the banking system, after bankers looted the banking system, is analogous to hiring members of Sadaam Hussein’s inner circle to run the new government of Iraq.”

“I see the logic behind what you’re saying,” Paulsen admitted, “but to be fair, we’ve had six years to work things out in Iraq and just a few weeks to get this bailout rolling. But once we have some time to get a plan in order, you won’t see any individual homeowners getting assistance. I mean, we’re the Government, right? What did Kennedy say, ‘Ask not?’ If you’re a banker and you’re out of work, or if your bank is in trouble, come see us. Otherwise, America, have a nice day.”

Mr. Alvarez, who has since relocated to Dubai, could not be reached for comment.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Text Of Text Message Sent By Train Engineer Prior to Crash Released: “I M Bout 2 B Hit By Oncoming Train”

The National Transportation Safety Board today released the text of the text message texted by Robert Sanchez, the engineer on board the ill-fated Los Angeles commuter train that crashed last month.

“The text of the text that Sanchez texted,” Emily Groener, a spokeswoman for the NTSB told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference, “is, and I quote, ‘I M Bout 2 B Hit By Oncoming Train.’”

Groener said that due to automation, driving a commuter train is “so boring that our engineers have permission to make cell phone calls, text, play computer games, and otherwise entertain themselves in a manner that does not put passengers at risk. We still want them to look at the traffic signals, though, and if a signal is red, we want them to stop.”

Sanchez allegedly exchanged text messages with a group of railroad fans who “are just as bored in life as engineers,” Groener said, “which explains the mutual attraction. You’ve got a group of people with no life, other than texting each other, and you’ve got railroad engineers, who are bored out of their minds. It’s like texting was invented just for these people.”

Groener said that the investigation was centering on the question of why Sanchez was able to complete the text and push “Send” given that he had only a few moments to react to the sight of the oncoming train.

“As far as our investigators can tell,” Groener said, “Mr. Sanchez had really quick reflexes to be able to complete and send a text message that quickly. I mean, you’ve really got to have fingers flying over the keyboard to get out a text that long. So we admired his dexterity and everything, which is something you want in a train engineer. Of course, we’d have been even happier if he’d stopped the train. That’s what we’ll be recommending to other engineers facing oncoming trains, in our final report.”

Friday, October 3, 2008

Obama, Missing For Weeks, Inspires Homeless To Seek “Spare Change We Can Believe In”

Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, missing for weeks since his first debate with John McCain, today told a hastily assembled San Francisco news conference that he had gone back to his community organizing roots to encourage homeless people to seek “spare change we can believe in.”

“Frankly, this whole Presidential candidate thing is out of my comfort zone,” Obama told reporters. “I’m not really sure I’m all that into the issues that we’re talking about. The war in Iraq? Gotta end. Everybody knows that. The banking system? They’ll fix it. I’m just not into that big picture stuff. Now, community organizing, that’s something I can sink my teeth into.”

Democratic campaign leaders had become alarmed when Obama, fresh from his moderate success in the debate with McCain, all but vanished for weeks, skipping fundraising events and campaign stops, until he finally surfaced in San Francisco’s South of Market district, washing the feet of the homeless and tending to their wounds.

“I touched the hem of his robe,” longtime homeless person Bob, 73, told the Dissociated Press. “I was healed, and within days I had a job doing computer graphics for a start-up in Petaluma. The really amazing thing is, I’d never touched a computer before.”

“This is more me,” Obama said, as he applied ointment to another in a long line of homeless people that snaked around the block.

“I’m more of a one-on-one, save-the-person kind of guy than a whole big save-the-world vibe. If you see Joe Biden, tell him it’s all his.”

At Debate, Biden Overcomes Temptation To Bite Sarah Palin’s Ear

Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden admitted to a hastily assembled St. Louis, Missouri news conference that the temptation during the Vice Presidential debate to “nibble on Sarah Palin’s ear” was “so excruciating that I could hardly remember to plagiarize the words of other politicians.”

Biden insisted that he was no “Tyson wanting to bite Evander Holyfield’s ear.” Instead, the longtime Senator told reporters, “I just wanted to take her in my arms, nibble in her ear, and stroke her beautiful hair. Did you see the way she had those bangs over her forehead? I mean, I may be old, but I’m not dead, if you know what I mean.”

Biden had planned to plagiarize from a variety of sources in order to demonstrate his awesome powers of recall and his strident yet inexpressibly smooth delivery. “I was going to steal from Churchill, de la Rochefoucauld, Aesop’s Fables, and Mohammed,” Biden admitted, “but instead I just found myself fantasizing about nibbling on her ear and seeing where that would lead.”

Biden, married for more than 30 years, told reporters that “I have never cheated on my wife and up to this minute I never thought I would. But I found myself fantasizing about winning election so I could send her husband, what’s his name, Skate or Biff or whatever, off on a dangerous fishing mission that would get him killed, and then I would comfort her.”

At the debate, Biden, unable to recall any of the “really killer lines I memorized and tweaked just enough so that no one could look them up on Google,” said he was reduced to simply “muttering ‘Sarah, Sarah, come to me,’ softly enough that neither Gwen Ifill or the microphones could pick it up. I’d vote for her for anything.”

Thursday, October 2, 2008

With Collapse Of Banking System, Anti-Semitic Groups Blame Jews For Global Warming

“We can no longer hold the Zionists responsible for controlling the banking system,” a perplexed, clearly disappointed Don Smith, marketing director for Aryan Fatherlands told a hastily arranged Boise, Idaho news conference.

“Now that the banking system is in the hands of the government,” Smith said, “and we like the government as little as we like the Zionists, our research indicates that the Jews are responsible for global warming.”

Smith said that his website offered “incontrovertible evidence” that Jews had “raised the temperature of the planet by 2 degrees in the last 20 years, since the birth of the Zionist State of Israel.”

Smith pointed to greenhouse gases created by “endless arguing in the Israeli Congress, which they call the Knesset” as the key factor in “melting the polar icecaps, the glaciers in Montana and Alaska, and ruining the trout fishing in Ketchum and Pocatello.”

The Aryan Fatherlands, according to its website, supports “Detaching the Pacific Northwest from the Zionist-controlled United States of America, increasing pride in being Caucasian, even if you don’t even have a high school-level education, and opposing the Zionist-controlled sports teams based in New York and New Jersey.” The group also runs a small amusement park outside Sun Valley called “HateWorld.”

“To be honest,” Smith said, “it’s kind of like the end of the Cold War for us. We’re kind of groping for a new reason to exist. I mean, if you can’t blame the Zionists for controlling the banking system, then it’s going to kill our fundraising.

“If we can’t get this blame-the-Zionists-for-global-warming thing off the ground, we’re just a bunch of white guys who’d rather be fishing, who actually might just need to get real jobs. Well, I blame the Zionists for that.”

French Gov't Retests Armstrong’s 1999 Urine Sample; Praises “Nutty, Fruity Flavor”

The French government today announced that it had retested the stored 1999 urine sample from 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and praised it for its “nutty, fruity flavor, with a hint of oak and notes of peppermint.”

Pierre LeBoeuf, chairman of the French Urine Council, told a hastily assembled Paris news conference that the 1999 sample “was by far the most complex and delicious of all of the Armstrong urine samples” and that it would be a “complement to any fine meal.”

LeBoeuf said that he had personally “laid down a case of the ’99, because it is so versatile. You can use it with chicken or fish, or even duck, and it goes extremely well with desserts, too.”

LeBoeuf said that the 1999 version was “far superior” to the samples from 2000 to 2005, “in which you can practically taste the Clif Bars. Armstrong’s diet evidently changed in 2000 from a variety of natural foods, including meats and cheeses, to more synthetic forms of protein. And to be blunt, you can taste the difference.”

Armstrong’s commitment to ride in the 2009 Tour de France “has been a source of great excitement and joy to lovers of fine urine throughout France,” LeBoeuf declared. “We hear that he has been eating recklessly for the past two years, and we expect those intriguing flavors to reveal themselves in early samples.

“We know that Lance’s urine has been very controversial in France,” LeBoeuf admitted. “But in France, opinions about urine, like wine, often reveal more about the person doing the analysis than the substance being examined. If the 2009 vintage is half as good as the 1999, then all of France will rejoice.”