Sunday, August 31, 2008

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig To Spend Entire Republican Convention In Airport Men's Room

A visibly distraught Idaho Senator Larry Craig today told a hastily assembled Minneapolis news conference that he would spend the entire Republican Convention in the men's room of the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport where he was arrested for lewd conduct last summer.

"He never calls, he never writes," Sen. Craig said, speaking of the Minnesota State Trooper who arrested him in a "sting" operation in a men's room known for homosexual conduct.

"I was thinking I'd go to the convention and everything," Sen. Craig said. "But once I got to the airport I was just filled with sadness. He's a very warm, very handsome man, the guy who arrested me. I will never forget his quiet strength and dignity as he read me my Miranda rights.

"I really thought we had something beautiful going on between us. But I haven't heard from him. Not once. Not even at the arraignment."

Sen. Craig was not scheduled to speak at the Republican Convention, due to the Party's embarrassment over his arrest and his failure to keep his word with regard to resigning his office.

"The only reason I keep hanging on in the Senate," Sen. Craig told reporters, "is that I think my position as U.S. Senator would be very impressive to a man who is a State Trooper. I could do wonders for his career. If only he'd call."

Sen. Craig said that he will spend the entire period of the Convention "in the same bathroom, in the same stall. If he wants to find me, he knows where I'll be. It could be the beginning of something beautiful. But it takes two to tango. If he doesn't show up, then I'm moving on."

Bush Revokes Louisiana Purchase, Makes Gustav France's Problem

"With a stroke of the pen, I have solved the problem of Hurricane Gustave," President George W. Bush today told a hastily assembled Biloxi, Mississippi news conference. "We have revoked the Louisiana Purchase and returned all of that territory to France. New Orleans, you are no longer an American problem."

The surprise move occurred as Gustav, potentially one of the worst storms to make landfall in 100 years, neared the Gulf Coast. The U.S. government has caught enormous blame for bungling both the initial response to Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath of that storm.

"All I can say is Bon Soir, New Orleans," the President said. "My approval ratings sunk lower than Jefferson Parish beneath high tide after Katrina. Now I won't have to go through that again."

The return of the Louisiana Purchase caught the French government by surprise, according to published reports.

"What are we, Nordstrom or L.L. Bean?" French President Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Dissociated Press. "We don't give out refunds after 200 years."

The Louisiana Purchase, negotiated in 1803, placed over 800,000 square miles of land into American hands. The territory bought from France for $15 million today encompasses Arkansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Iowa, and Nebraska and parts of nine other states. Of these 15 states, more than half are currently expected to go for Sen. Barack Obama in November's Presidential election.

"This move reshapes the electoral map," President Bush admitted. "It definitely makes it harder for Obama to beat McCain. Although the funniest thing will be seeing people in Arkansas trying to speak French. It'll sound almost as silly as me trying to speak English. I mean, Spanish. Whatever."

President Bush said that he was also seeking a refund on the $15 million, which today "amounts to more than $46 billion, enough to pay for about five weeks of the Iraq War. The French may be lovers, not fighters, but a deal's a deal."

McCain Admits He Chose Palin “Because She’s Hot”

“She looks pretty conservative, when you consider her positions on everything,” Republican Presidential candidate John McCain told a hastily assembled Acapulco news conference, “but when she takes her glasses off and whips her hair out of that tight bun, man, she’s just smoking hot. And that’s when I realized I wanted her to be the next Vice President of the United States.”

McCain admitted, under close questioning, that he chose Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential candidate, because “out of all the potential candidates I could have chosen, she’s the only one who doesn’t make Joe Biden look like Farrah Fawcett. Hey, am the only one who remembers Farrah Fawcett around here? And does anybody know if she’s still married to that guy Lee Majors? Wasn’t he the $6 Million Man or something?”

Reporters politely brought the news conference back to its actual purpose and inquired about the potential political liability of a young, unknown, unproven, and relatively inexperienced politician serving only “an irregular heartbeat from the Presidency.”

“It’s true that she has slightly more international experience than former President Clinton’s cat Socks,” Sen. McCain admitted, “but she appeals to two demographics I’ve struggled with—women who feel adrift now that Hillary’s out of the picture, and young guys who read Maxim and FHM and fantasize about older women. To them, she’s got experience aplenty.

“Let me explain it this way,” McCain said. “It’s two in the morning and you’re in the Situation Room in the White House and there’s some sort of international crisis going on. Or you’re on Air Force One, flying to Iraq or some other godforsaken place. Who would you rather have beside you? A smoking hot mother of five, or Mike Huckabee?”

When asked whether physical appearance was a legitimate sole reason for selecting a Vice Presidential candidate, and that most top Republicans had questioned the intelligence of his choice, Sen. McCain offered a roguish wink and replied, “Hey, it’s good to be the king!”

Informal Survey of Alaskan Caribou Indicate 76% Favor Nomination of Sarah Palin

“We caribou would love to see Governor Palin go to Washington,” a caribou told a hastily assembled Juneau, Alaska news conference. “Anything to get her to stop shooting at us.”

The caribou, named Pete, told reporters that “slightly more than three out of four Alaskan caribou would like to see Governor Palin win election as Vice President of the United States. She’s a great shot, and we’re tired of losing friends and relatives to her.”

Pete said he understood that Palin’s serial shooting of Alaskan caribou was “nothing personal,” but he said he and the rest of the caribou would be happier if she were “picking on humans, like gays and lesbians,” instead of “putting our antlers in her kids’ rooms at the Alaskan State House.”

Gov. Palin, a committed hunter, “supports aerial shooting of wolves and bears,” Pete said. “I’m no fan of wolves and bears personally, but it’s tough enough trying to look to your left and right, front and back, for hunters and other predators. When they’re firing at you from planes, well, that’s just tough.”

Pete said that he had also taken a poll of Alaskan salmon, who were almost unanimous in their opposition to her plan to develop the Pebble Mine, which would destroy Alaska’s largest salmon run and cause enormous environmental damage to rivers and streams throughout the region.

“We caribou do agree with her position that the polar bear should be taken off the endangered species list,” Pete acknowledged. “Anybody who’s ever spent time with polar bears know that they’re just a real pain in the behind to be around.

“But if she’s so interested in teaching about creation in public schools,” Pete asked, “why is she so interested in shooting or wiping out every animal in creation? I mean, I may be just a caribou, but somehow that just doesn’t add up.”

6 Other Nations Follow U.S. Lead, Selecting New, Inexperienced Leaders

The choices of Barack Obama and Sarah Palin as Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates have inspired at least six other nations to abandon experience as a qualification for leadership, according to press reports.

France, Russia, Germany, Iran, China, and Fiji have all voted their leaders out of office, seen their leaders resign in the wake of the Obama and Palin nominations, or, in the case of Russia, shot them in purges, bringing to the fore a new generation of inexperienced, unproven, and utterly unqualified leaders.

France’s Nicolas Sarkozy, who has held political office since 1983, was replaced as President by a young, unidentified maker of crepes at an outdoor food stand on the Left Bank who “once entered the National Assembly building because he needed a bathroom,” according to the Dissociated Press.

Vladimir Putin of Russia was shot to death in a purge and will be replaced by 22-year-old Moscow taxi driver Evgeny Brodkin, who “knows many of the best parking spaces in and around the Kremlin,” according to the Russian news service TASS.

Germany’s first female chancellor, Angela Merkel, who possesses a doctorate in physics and has been serving in the German government since the early 1990s, today resigned her office in favor of a young Munich waitress/free verse poet who “toured the White House on a visit to the United States when she was 9, with her family, but doesn’t remember much about it, except that it was in fact white in color,” according to reports.

Iran has turned over its government and nuclear weapons program to a 34-year-old information technology worker “with extensive background in downloading music and video and is a really nice guy,” according to press reports.

China’s entire generation of leadership resigned, placing in power a 19-year-old apprentice pig farmer from Ulan Bator who “wanted to come to the Beijing Olympics but didn’t want to be away from his pigs for that long,” according to a Chinese government spokesman. “He will be permitted to bring his pigs to Beijing, however.”

The military government of Fiji, which took over the island nation in a 2006 coup, is resigning to devote the rest of the summer to “surfing, mostly,” according to a guy in Fiji somewhere, and will be ruled for the next four years by that same guy.

In other news, United Airlines, in a move to save money, will allow passengers to fly jumbo jets; the Mayo Clinic will permit patients to opt for a lower-cost do-it-yourself brain surgery; and the nation of Colombia will allow visitors to process their own cocaine, for their personal use or for resale in the United States.

“Experience isn’t everything,” Republican Presidential candidate John McCain told a hastily assembled Pittsburgh press conference. “In fact, in today’s world, it’s a handicap. That’s why I chose Sarah Palin.”

Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain Taps Palin Of Alaska After First 37 Choices Turn Him Down

Republican presumptive Presidential candidate John McCain today told a hastily assembled St. Paul, Minnesota news conference that his 38th choice for the Vice Presidency, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, "enthusiastically" accepted his invitation to join the Republican ticket.

"It got a little embarrassing there," Sen. McCain admitted. "For a while, I was like, gosh, doesn't anybody want to be Vice President in this country, or what?"

Sen. McCain's first 37 choices all rejected the offer "in seconds, because none of them thought I could beat Obama," a red-faced McCain acknowledged. "They all thought, why risk being blamed? They wanted to preserve their chances for 2012."

Among the 37 Republicans and others who declined Sen. McCain's offer of a spot on the ticket were former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, Connecticut Senator Joe Leiberman, former New York City Mayor Rudy Guiliani, Los Angeles Dodgers manager Joe Torre, TV chef Emeril, recording artist 50 Cent, former New York Jets quarterback Joe Namath, actress Liv Tyler, Barney the Dinosaur, John McCain's wife Cindy, an unnamed bartender at Sky Harbor Airport Terminal C in Phoenix, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and the surviving members of the cast of 1960s TV sitcom Gilligan's Island.

"I know Vice President isn't a glamorous job," Sen. McCain admitted. "You mostly go to funerals of foreign leaders, unless you're inventing the Internet like Al Gore or running America like Dick Cheney. But the job is frankly what you make of it, and I would have thought I could find someone who had some sort of stature or name recognition or even came from a state where there are more electoral votes than caribou.

"But beggars can't be choosers, so I'm really glad Governor, um, what's her name, from Alaska, has graciously agreed to join me on the ticket."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Report: DNC Rejects Obama's Speech Theme Of "I Need A Nap"

A highly placed Democratic National Committee leader today announced that the DNC had rejected Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama's proposed theme for his speech, "I Need A Nap."

The speech coincides with the 44th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's famous "I Have A Dream" speech; Sen. Obama reportedly sought to update the sleeping theme by talking about how tiresome modern life has become.

"When I think about how our nation has become divided between red states and blue states," Sen. Obama was to have begun his speech, "I get so tired, I need a nap.

"When I think about the War in Iraq, how poorly it was thought out and how terrible the results have been, I need a nap.

"When I think about the economy in tatters, hardworking people losing their homes in the mortgage crisis, four-dollar-a-gallon gas, and a recession with no end in sight, I need a nap.

"When I think about John McCain carrying on the failed legacy of the Bush administration for four more years, I truly need a nap.

"Yes, my fellow Americans, the country is Bushed, and I need a nap.

"We all need a nap, so that we can wake up refreshed from this national nightmare and create change we can all believe in, instead of a McCain Administration that he--and we--would all sleep through.

"When I think about how hard the campaign will be over the next ten weeks, I need a nap.

"When I think about the fact that the Democratic Convention has tied me to all of the political baggage of the past, from Chapaqiddick to Travelgate, from Monica Lewinsky to the missing Rose Law Firm files, from John Kerry to Michael Dukakis, I need a nap.

"Fortunately, my running mate Joe Biden makes a Fidel Castro speech look like an instant message from a 14-year-old cutting social studies, so I'll have plenty of time to nap when he's making speeches.

"But when it comes down to it, this whole business of running for President is so tiresome that I can't wait to get back to my hotel room and nap, maybe even for an hour or two.

"And if I nap, I might just have a dream. And if I have a dream, I'll let you know. Thank you and good night."

The spokesman for the DNC told the Dissociated Press that the speech that Sen. Obama proposed, based on the "I Need A Nap" theme, would be scrapped in favor of "the 'Yes, We Can' stuff that polls so well. Just because he needs a nap doesn't mean we all need one."

NASA Admits Laptop On Space Station Has Computer Virus

A spokesman for NASA today told a hastily assembled Cape Canaveral news conference that a laptop belonging to American astronaut Tom Cardwell had been “diagnosed” with a computer virus, even though Cardwell and the laptop had been aboard the International Space Station for the past 62 days.

“We have no idea how the virus got there,” John Stone, NASA VP for Public Affairs, told reporters. “It happens from time to time, and we’re studying it.”

Reporters asked Stone about reports that astronaut Cardwell had been downloading vast amounts of Internet pornography on his laptop while in space, and that his computer might have been affected by a virus in that manner.

“We’ve heard those reports,” Stone admitted. “And look. Space is lonely. You’re working on scientific projects eight hours a day, and you’re sleeping eight, and that leaves you eight more hours. They’ve got no one to be with, no one to talk to. We understand that they might be looking at places on the Internet that don’t meet with NASA’s specific approval.”

Reporters then asked Stone whether he was aware that Cardwell’s GPS-enabled phone bill, a matter of public record, contained more than $80,000 worth of charges to 900 numbers.

“We’re aware of that bill,” Stone admitted. “Again, space is a lonely place, and there are no women on the International Space Station at this time. We thought about providing these sorts of call services to our astronauts so they could, you know, blow off some steam, but we decided it would be best to outsource those functions, if you know what I mean.”

Reporters than asked Stone if he was aware of reports that Cardwell had used his government-issued American Express card on three separate occasions to hire a Russian payload delivery service to bring several young Russian women with no discernable prior aerospace experience to the International Space Station, at a cost to U.S. taxpayers of well over $10 million.

“Again,” Stone admitted, “space exploration is a lonely enterprise. And while $10 million may seem like a lot of money, what would you pay for companionship if you were stuck in a situation like the Space Station? On balance, we’re not all that bothered by the virus on Cardwell’s computer. But we’re really concerned that he himself might have come down with something, and unfortunately, there’s no penicillin on the Space Shuttle. So it could be a while before he can be completely diagnosed. The bottom line is, there's no NetNanny in space. These are grown men and women, and they've got to make these decisions for themselves.”

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Bill Clinton Denies His Planned 36-Hour Speech Will Derail Obama

Former President Bill Clinton today denied that his planned 36-hour speech, to be covered live by all TV networks, was intended to draw attention away from Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech Thursday night at Invesco Field in Denver.

"As a former President," Clinton said, "I understand that people are looking to me to provide a context for an Obama administration. National political conventions are all about educating the American people. And I have a lot to tell them."

Clinton intends to speak for eight hours on each of four topics: international relations and the war in Iraq; the economy; health care; and his boyhood in Hope, Arkansas.

"I think that the folks from the Guinness Book of World Records may be watching," the former President chuckled before a hastily assembled Denver news conference. "This may be longer than any speech of Fidel Castro or even Joe Biden."

Clinton denied that the purpose of his speech was to distract the nation from Sen. Obama's speech, claiming that "the people want to know the facts about so many things, and as the former leader of the Free World, I know so many things. Frankly, 36 hours barely scratches the surface. Ever read my autobiography?"

Clinton said that by the time he is finished, he will be "exhausted, depleted, and in dire need of a shower. But my discomfort is a small price to pay when it comes to educating the American people."

If President Clinton does speak for 36 straight hours, as he intends, it will push Sen. Obama's nomination acceptance speech to roughly 4 a.m. Denver time.

"Lots of people will watch Barack at 4 a.m.," Clinton told reporters. "Maybe not the audience of 75,000 at the football stadium, or the tens of millions of viewers watching at home. But hey, it's his first time being nominated for national office, and he's got to earn his audience.

"By the way, did you see Hillary last night? It took her twenty minutes to get around to mentioning me, and I was barely visible in that whole video thing. So tonight it's my turn, and you won't be hearing much about her. I don't even know if she's still in Denver--I think she caught a flight out with some of her delegates. But I'm good to go."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

To Enhance Unity, Obama To Make Acceptance Speech Wearing Bright Orange Pantsuit

Telling reporters that "It's the least I can do to repay Hillary's graciousness," Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama pledged to make his historic acceptance speech wearing a lovely, bright orange pantsuit similar to the one Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton wore at her Tuesday night speech.

"At first I thought the color was a little bold," Sen. Obama told a hastily assembled Denver news conference. "But after I tried to adjust the color on my widescreen, I realized that bright orange was an inspired choice. Normally I prefer earth tones. But I figure, let's go crazy, just this once."

Obama said that he, like Sen. Clinton, would wear flats, not heels, and would limit jewelry to a tasteful display of earrings and a brooch designed like the American flag.

"You don't want to go overboard," Sen. Obama said. "But I want to accessorize in a manner that tells Hillary's supporters that we stand united."

Sen. Obama would be making history on many levels at his speech at Invesco Field, where the Denver Broncos play. He would be the first Presidential candidate to appear in women's clothing since Warren Harding wore a cocktail dress to honor newly enfranchised women voters in 1920.

"They're going to make my pants suit out of some old John Elway uniforms," Sen. Obama said. "It's the same color as Hillary's outfit. Can Hillary and I not just march together but match together? Yes, we can!"

Number of Uninsured Americans Drops; So Does Number of Living Uninsured Americans

"Good news and bad news" emerged from a hastily assembled Census Bureau news conference on the topic of health insurance this morning. "The good news is that the number of uninsured Americans has dropped for the sixth straight month," Steven Barner told reporters. "The bad news is that more uninsured Americans have died for the sixth straight month, too."

Barner defended the Bush Administration policy of allowing uninsured Americans to die as a means of reducing both health care costs and the number of uninsured citizens.

"It shows we're doing something," Barner said.

More than 45 million Americans lack health insurance, but Barner said this was "primarily their own fault. I mean, did President Bush go to their jobs and get them fired so they wouldn't be insured? We're Republicans, yes, but we would never go that far."

Barner said that the greater crisis in America was "the lack of willingness for people to take personal responsibility for their health care. If you eat right, get enough exercise and sleep, you shouldn't need to see a doctor in the first place. I don't see Chinese factory workers complaining about not having health care. Why are Americans whinier than people who make eleven cents an hour?"

Barner said that if enough uninsured Americans die of illnesses between now and the end of the year, "We could bring down the total number of uninsured to a level that even Teddy Kennedy would find acceptable. But that's not going to happen if they get treatment. We all need to work together to make this approach to health care a success."

CNN Poll: 37% of Americans Believe Democrats Nominating Wolf Blitzer

A CNN/YouTube/Wikipedia/HustlerMagazine poll taken immediately after the first night of the Democratic Convention revealed that 37% of Americans who actually sat through the five-hour snoozefest believe that the Democratic Party is nominating Wolf Blitzer for President.

"We're a little disappointed with the organization of the Convention so far," CNN spokesman Miles Houlighan told a hastily assembled Denver news conference. "Basically, we had 20 minutes of Teddy Kennedy--that's something new and exciting. Not. And then we had Michelle, of course. But the rest of the night was hardly Must See TV."

Houlihan said that virtually all of the attempts to interview delegates turned into poor television as well.

"How many times can people say that they're supporting Obama because 'He's cool'?" Houlihan asked rhetorically. "If all they care about is cool, why don't they just go all the way and nominate George Clooney or Kevin Costner?"

Houlighan said that the CNN anchor team spent so much time on the air making things up to talk about that many viewers became confused; more than one third actually believe that Wolf Blitzer, not Barack Obama, is going to be nominated Wednesday night.

"People just saw our talking heads all evening long," Houlighan said. "I can understand their confusion. And coming one night after that incredible closing ceremony in Beijing, the incredibly dull evening of speeches the Democrats put together really put us in a ratings hole."

Houlihan told reporters that he wasn't sure who in the Democratic Party had the idea of "tying Obama to the tax-and-spend, ultraliberal, morally bankrupt Kennedys. You'd almost think that whoever was in charge of the Convention deliberately wants to hurt Obama's cause."

When asked whether wire reports that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had "orchestrated" the incredibly dull evening and that she had "pushed for" the lengthy Kennedy love-in as a means of discrediting Sen. Obama in the eyes of mainstream America, Houlihan issued a terse "no comment."

Monday, August 25, 2008

Google Launches GoogleTax, Eliminating the IRS

Google today launched its newest service, GoogleTax, which corporate spokesman Paul Martland said would "eliminate the I.R.S. as we know it."

Under GoogleTax, all Americans would estimate their own taxes on a Google tax calculator, based on a Google-supplied algorithm combining an income tax rate of 14%, a consumption tax of 5%, and no deductions. They would then use Paypal to pay the amount into a Google-managed trust fund, eliminating the I.R.S.'s role in the collection and disbursement of taxes.

"The plan offers many important features," Martland told a hastily assembled Mountain View, California news conference. "First, it's a combination of a flat tax with a VAT tax, which we call a "Phat Tax," to give it a hip-hop or D.Y.I. feel.

"Second, the I.R.S. doesn't control the money. We do. So people can vote on the GoogleTax gadget, which you can have on your Google home page, whether you want to fund a particular government initiative or not. So we can withhold money for unpopular things, like the war in Iraq or things like that."

When asked whether it would be illegal for Americans to fail to pay their taxes to the I.R.S., Martland replied, "They'd have a hard time arresting all of us. We're just applying the concept of social networking to taxation. It's about moving from hierarchy to letting the people decide.

"Before long," Martland said, "if this takes off, people will be saying there are only two things you can count on in this world--death and Google."

In Convention Speech, Hillary To Blink "Support McCain" In Morse Code

Adding fuel to the suspicion that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is not completely supportive of the candidacy of her one-time rival Sen. Barack Obama, an Obama spokesman today told a hastily assembled Denver news conference that Senator Clinton was planning to blink the letters spelling out "Support McCain" in Morse Code during her Convention address Wednesday night.

"She'll be telling people to support us," Obama spokesman Ron Wellmer told reporters, "but her eyes will tell another story."

The Clinton camp promptly denied the rumor, but was forced to admit that it had been training Clinton supporters among delegates and superdelegates to learn Morse Code in order to receive a "special message" during her speech.

"During the Vietnam War," Wellmer said, "an American POW named Jeremiah Denton blinked the word 'Torture' while being forced to speak by his captors on a televised message. Mr. Denton went on to serve in the U.S. Senate. We think that she got the idea from him."

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign, continuing to deny the Obama camp's claim, telling the Dissociated Press, "Dash dot, dot dot dash dot, dot dash dash," which turned out to be the acronym "NFW."

Mosquito Stings Michael Phelps At Closing Ceremonies; Flies 400 MPH

A mosquito stung 14-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps at Sunday night's closing ceremony and promptly flew out of the Bird's Nest Stadium at speeds exceeding 400 miles per hour, causing the Chinese Air Force to scramble and intercept the mosquito 180 miles southwest of Beijing.

"At first, we thought the mosquito was part of the elaborate closing ceremonies," Chinese Olympics spokesman Lin Biau told reporters at a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. "Then we realized we had people flying through the air, but not insects flying faster than bullets. That's when we scrambled the jets. We thought it might have been a terrorist act."

The mosquito, rich on Phelps' blood, traveled on a zig-zag course to a marshy region far from the Chinese capitol before it was finally shot down by a Chinese MIG.

"The blood of the mosquito was analyzed so we could understand how it could fly so quickly," Mr. Lin said. "The fact that it contained traces of various performance enhancing drugs undetectable in blood tests should cast no doubt on the legitimacy of Mr. Phelps' performance in the Water Cube. Maybe the mosquito didn't bite Mr. Phelps. Maybe it bit someone else."

When reporters pointed out that the mosquito was also found to contain Mr. Phelps' DNA, and was already being called by British tabloids "the Mo-Speedo," Mr. Lin issued a terse "No comment."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

London To Outdo Beijing Closing Olympics Ceremony By Destroying Itself

"Everybody wants to know whether we can top what the Chinese did," London mayor Boris Johnson told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference immediately after the close of the Olympic Games. "All I can say is, wait 'til 2012. You'll have your answer then."

Johnson told reporters that at the conclusion of the 2012 Olympic Games, the entire city would be destroyed from above.

"We're going to reenact the Blitz," Johnson promised, "but this time, nothing will survive. Not just the Olympic venues will be destroyed, but the whole city. It's going to make Beijing's fireworks look like people flicking their Bics at a Rolling Stones concert."

Olympic observers wondered how London could possibly compete with the astonishing stage productions of the opening and closing ceremonies in Beijing. Total destruction of London, according to Johnson, is the answer.

"The Chinese have really left us no choice, have they?" Johnson asked rhetorically. "I mean, towers of people, people flying through the air, enough fireworks to blow up a city...and that's when I had the idea."

Johnson explained that at the extinguishing of the Olympic flame at the conclusion of the 2012 Games, mock Luftwaffe bombers carrying truly astonishing amounts of live armature.

"We're going to totally level London," Johnson said. "Yes, there will be death and loss. But after what we saw in Beijing, to tell the truth, what do we have left?"

Murdoch Buys For $1.3 Billion

News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch today told a hastily assembled New York news conference that he has purchased burgeoning terrorism social networking site for $1.3 billion.

"We're very excited to bring this exciting site into the News Corp. fold," Murdoch said, "joining MySpace, Fox News, and the rest of our products and services. Now terrorists worldwide have a place of their own." was founded by two aging members of the German 1970s Baader-Meinhof terrorist group, when one, a woman, emailed the other, a man, "Does this bomb make me look fat?"

"Terrorists are some of the lonelinest people in the world," Murdoch said. "They cannot reveal their true identities to their spouses and families, often for years, if they are part of sleeper cells. They find it difficult to communicate because they are afraid that governments are spying on their email and phone calls. The benefit of this site is that they all can now find each other, share tips and targets, and generally overcome the sense of loneliness that the role of terrorist creates."

Members of can post favorite targets, weapons, enemies, and cover stories. A special encryption feature ensures privacy from all government agencies worldwide.

"Only actual terrorists can register for the site, which is free," Murdoch said. "Our revenue comes from our advertisers--weapons manufacturers, terrorist recruiters, and realtors."

When asked about the morality about profiting from terror, Murdoch replied, "You should take a look at CNN. Al Qaeda attacked the U.S. only once. CNN, with its constant emphasis on potential terrorism, attacks the U.S. every day."

Chinese Celebrate Olympics’ Close By Giving All Child Laborers Extra Minutes of Free Time

“It’s the least we can do,” Olympics organizer Lin Biau told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. “The entire nation worked hard to make the Olympics a success. So we will all share in the success, including our beloved children.”

Mr. Lin said that children working in factories across China will receive one minute of free time for each year of their ages. Five year olds will receive five minutes of free time; six year olds, six minutes; and so on.

“China is a great and prosperous nation because everyone works so hard,” Mr. Lin said. “Today we honor all of the children who work so hard to help our nation create exports that the whole world buys. We say, let them all have a short break, depending on their age, and then they can go back to work.”

In honor of the Olympics, Mr. Lin said, Chinese child laborers will be permitted to perform an Olympic sport of their choice. “The benefit to our nation is that we may just identify Olympians of the future, without creating too much of a disruption of factory output.”

At the conclusion of the Games, Mr. Lin said, all losing competitors will be returned to the factories where they would have worked had not State resources been wasted on them.

“I am sure their fellow workers have criticism to share with them,” Mr. Lin said. “But only in a constructive way, of course."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Swift Boat Vets Ready Anti-Obama Campaign

John Sibelius, a spokesman for the Swift Boats Veterans, today told a hastily assembled Da Nang news conference that his group was readying a multi-million dollar sustained TV and Internet campaign against Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama.

"It's time for America to learn the truth about Obama's record in Vietnam," Sibelius declared. "He won no medals for glory here. He led no troops into battle. He did nothing to fight Communism in the rice paddies of Southeast Asia. He is no John McCain."

A reporter pointed out to Sibelius that Obama was born in 1962 and was therefore just 13 at the time of the war's ending in 1975.

"That's no excuse," Sibelius replied. "Obama cannot run on his war record, because he doesn't have one. America needs to learn the truth."

Another reporter noted that Sen. Obama has never claimed to have fought in Vietnam.

"We don't believe the American people will fall for lies like that," Sibelius said. "Either he's a war hero or he's a fraud. America and the truth must finally come together."

Sibelius said that his group was prepared to spend "up to $15 million of reactionary Texas oil money at our disposal" in order to get the "truth" about Senator Obama's lack of a Vietnam War record out to voters.

"Every other ad you'll see on TV this fall will be ours," Sibelius promised. "Obama can no longer hide his lack of a Vietnam record from the people."

A spokesperson for the Obama campaign told reporters that when the Vietnam War was ending, "The Senator, then a teenager growing up in Hawaii, was going out for the junior varsity basketball team at his high school, and that had he actually been old enough to fight in Vietnam, he probably would have stayed in Hawaii. But we accept the right of the Swift Boat Veterans to tell their side of the story."

Hillary Taking Delegates And Going Home

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, reportedly devastasted that she did not get serious consideration as a Vice Presidential candidate, told a hastily assembled Denver news conference that she was "taking my delegates and going home."

Denying published reports that she was a "sore loser" and a "big meanie," Sen. Clinton instructed her delegates to leave Denver "immediately" and "just skip the whole convention thing, because I didn't really want to be President anyway."

Sen. Clinton told reporters that "it wasn't fair" that she couldn't be President because she was "smarter and more experienced" than Sen. Obama, who probably "cheated or something" because "I'm popular" and "nobody likes him."

"The least they could have done," Sen. Clinton said of the Obama campaign, "was to come to Chappaqua and get to know Bill and me. We're really different from our public portrayal, which is that I'm stiff, inflexible, and possessed of a strong sense of entitlement, and that Bill is a self-absorbed serial womanizer who can't keep the focus off himself. We're really not like that."

Sen. Clinton said that "Obama's going to feel like he really didn't beat anybody with all my delegates out of there. And like we're all going to work for him to beat McCain. That'll happen. Come on, guys, we're out of here."

A spokesman for the Democratic Party told the Dissociated Press that Senator Clinton's delegates' seats would be filled by members of the Teachers' Union wearing their trademark Ross Dress For Less cheesy outfits, so as to approximate the appearance of Sen. Clinton's supporters.

Obama; "I Picked BIden Because McCain Was Unavailable"

Sen. Barack Obama revealed to Barbara Walters in a hastily arranged interview that he had only chosen Sen. Joseph Biden as his running mate because Sen. John McCain, his first choice, was unavailable.

"I think that except for myself," Sen. Obama told Walters, "John McCain is exactly the best possible Vice Presidential candidate I could have chosen. He's courageous, outspoken, is very, um, white, and appeals to people in small, impoverished, gun-and-God-loving towns throughout our nation where my candidacy has been underwhelming.

"To be honest," Obama said, "I'm young, relatively inexperienced, not overly knowledgable about foreign policy issues, and very careful with my public utterances. So I wanted an old, white blowhard who shoots his mouth off and is respected in small town America. I couldn't get McCain, because he's running against me. So I got the next best thing."

When pressed for specifics about the role that Sen. Biden will play in the upcoming general election, Sen. Obama explained, "Senator McCain has been polling surprisingly well, given how superior I am to him in every way. By choosing Joe Biden, I've leveled the playing field--now the Democrats have an aging, politics-as-usual, dull-as-toast, Beltway insider bloviater who's probably only a year or two behind McCain in memory loss. I think we've got the Republicans right where we want them."

Cynthia Potter, NBC Diving Commentator, Sharply Criticizes Husband Getting Into Bath

"No, no, no," Cynthia Potter told a hastily assembled NBC television audience, when her husband Harry stepped into the bath in their suite at the Beijing Hyatt Regency Hotel. "That will never do. Poor entry, big splash. You lost your focus."

Cynthia Potter drew nationwide attention for her sharply critical commentary on men's and women's diving during the 2008 Summer Olympics. She apparently forget to turn off her lavaliere microphone or remove it from her NBC outfit when she and her husband went home after a night of women's diving.

Mr. Potter had just stepped into the bath when the criticism began.

"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times," Cynthia Potter told Harry. "You've got to stand properly next to the tub. The judges don't want to see your flabby behind sticking out toward the sink. That's no way to stand by the tub."

The criticism only stepped up as Mr. Potter got his feet into the water.

"You've got to be more precise than that," she said. "What a big splash. The housekeeping staff is going to have to dry that up, because I sure as hell won't."

Cynthia Potter told her husband, still unaware of the live feed, "I think you ought to go straight to the shower and think about your entry into the bath. Towel off, start again. Maybe you can still fight for a bronze."

Biden Promises To Plagiarize Speeches From Around The Globe

"As Barack Obama's running mate and expert on foreign policy," Sen. Joseph Biden today told a hastily assembled Springfield, Illinois rally, "I will plagiarize speeches from around the world to help the Obama Administration understand foreign leaders."

Sen. Biden promised that in addition to stealing sections of speeches from British Labor leader Neal Kinnock during the 1988 Presidential primaries, he will steal sections of speeches "from Vladimir Putin of Russia to Nicolai Sarkozy of France, from Robert Mugabe of, um, Africa to whoever the leader of Italy is at any given moment."

Democratic Presidential candidate Obama chose Biden in order to shore up support among white Catholic voters and, in Biden's own words, "to be a kind of human Wikipedia of other leaders' speeches. The easiest way to learn about the world, which Sen. Obama needs to do to be the leader of the Free World, is to know what other leaders are saying. So instead of listening to all of them, he only has to listen to me."

Sen. Biden said that with a newly installed translation program on his laptop, he will be able to "plagiarize from world leaders' speeches within minutes of the text hitting the Internet. Thanks to all the new technology that's come into existence since my abortive 1988 Presidential campaign, I can plagiarize in ways that could not even have been imagined just 20 years ago.

"I look forward to debating whoever the Republican vice presidential candidate is, and shocking him with my long-winded answers that span the globe in terms of their sources. As they say, if you steal from one source, it's plagiarism. But if you steal from a lot of sources, it's research."

Sen. Obama could not be reached for comment, because when Sen. Biden's words stretched an additional six hours after his expected 10-minute speech, Sen. Obama, like much of the press corps, was sound asleep.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

McCain Names, Promptly Forgets Name of Running Mate

“I have chosen as my Vice Presidential running mate…” Senator John McCain today told a hastily assembled Phoenix news conference, before lapsing into confused silence.

“I’ve got it on me somewhere,” Sen. McCain told reporters as he embarrassedly searched his suit jacket and pants for the slip of paper containing the name of the individual who will run for Vice President on the Republican ticket.

“I mean, I put it in my pocket last night, before we left the house and headed for the airport,” a befuddled McCain told the media, as he continued to search in his wallet for the elusive slip of paper.

“I made up my mind yesterday afternoon, while my wife and I were at one of our condos,” McCain explained, digging feverishly through a large number of napkins, business cards, credit card receipts, and other scraps of paper in his pockets.

“Then I knew I might forget,” McCain admitted, “so I put it in the pocket of the suit, or maybe the shirt, that I intended to wear today. I must have left that suit on the bed and then worn a different one. So the name is on the piece of paper, which must be back in my condo.”

The reporters waited patiently while McCain carefully put all of the pieces of paper back into his pockets. The Senator then stared into space, whistling a few bars of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” and then asked for questions.

“Do you remember which home of yours you were at last night?” a reporter asked Sen. McCain. “Because maybe you could get somebody to go check.”

Sen. McCain nodded gratefully at the questioner. “Great idea,” the Senator said, “but, um, I don’t remember which condo we were in. It was really nicely decorated, though. And I think it had a view of mountains. And I remember I was sitting on the deck…so it must be one of my condos with a deck…and suddenly we heard a buzzing noise, and my wife said, ‘Look! A bee!’”

The Senator paused in mid-reflection and told reporters, “Look, a bee…look, a bee…oh, that’s it. Huckabee. I picked Huckabee.”

The Senator paused again.

“But does anyone remember what I picked him for?” he asked, to reporters who remained respectfully silent.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Contemplating End Of Term, Bush To Offer Pardons On eBay

Declaring that "The process by which Presidential end-of-term pardons is a shameful open secret," President George W. Bush today told a hastily arranged La Paz, Bolivia news conference that when his term ended in January, Presidential pardons would be available on eBay.

"By placing the right to receive a Presidential pardon on eBay," the President told reporters, "everyone in America can participate freely and openly in this important aspect of democracy. Now it no longer matter 'who you know' in Washington if you've been convicted of a major felony or if you are a fugitive from American justice living elsewhere. It's just your willingness to bid."

President Bush said that he had chosen La Paz as a backdrop for this announcement for several reasons. "First," the President said, "they won't give me anything to do back at the White House, and I'm kind of sick of the place. Second, and more to the point, Bolivia symbolizes in the minds of many the kind of place you'd go if you owed the IRS millions and were looking at serious prison time.

"We want Americans in Bolivia, in Switzerland, and all around the world to go to eBay, click on 'Experiences' and then type in ''Presidential Pardons.' Bidding starts at $1, because we wanted the process to be as inclusive as possible. Of course, there is a reserve, which is rumored to be at $10 million, and you can order one for every member of your family. Depending on how criminally involved your particular family is. There's a maximum of 500 this time around, so if you don't have an eBay account, you want to go get one."

Former President Bill Clinton's highly controversial pardons of 140 individuals, including fugitive financier Marc Rich, may have netted as much as $200 million in donations, according to authorities familiar with the matter. President Bush vowed during his first 100 days in office to "clean up" the last-minute Presidential pardon process, and eBay is his approach of choice.

"With Presidential pardons," the President concluded, "we like to see genuine contrition, good acts, restitution, things like that. But who's gonna pay me $10 million a pop to make a speech like ol' Billy Boy? Maybe the Kuwaitis. So this is my 401k plan, if you catch my drift. If you've got a pulse and Paypal, you might just score yourself a pardon. So happy bidding, America."

NBC, Fearing Post-Phelps Ratings Plunge, Tests New Ways To Attract Viewers

NBC, afraid that viewers will tune out the Olympics after a Michael Phelps-driven ratings surge, has announced that instead of covering Greco-Roman wrestling or other viewer-unfriendly events, will show viewers “the real China,” network spokesperson Natasha Deering told reporters at a hastily assembled Beijing news conference.

“People don’t understand that China is a country with great human rights and not just great Chinese food,” Deering told reporters. “We’re going to show viewers the real China, not just the touristy, fake China that we have striven to present during the first 10 days of Olympic coverage.”

Bob Costas will present a special three-part report on China’s commitment to the environment. The first segment will demonstrate China’s efforts to rid the country of lead, a toxic substance that leeches into rivers and streams.

“China has developed a brilliant plan to remove all the lead from the country,” Deering said. “Bob will show how the lead is inserted in children’s toys, which are then shipped to the United States, which has a better system of lead removal than China does.”

Next, NBC will present a series on what the United States can learn from Chinese prison methods. “We spend more to house a prisoner for a year than to send a person to Harvard,” Deering told reporters. “The Chinese have excelled at two things: housing people in inexpensive, easy-to-maintain bamboo cages, and keeping prison terms very short, especially on death row. We have a lot to learn from them, and I think viewers will find this rare, inside look into the Chinese prison system very educational.”

Finally, the Chinese government will offer reenactments of “great moments from the Cultural Revolution,” Deering explained. “It’ll be a lot like Civil War reenactments in the U.S., except that they’ll be using live fire and, you know, bad things can happen.

“Frankly, it’s not what we’d like to be presenting, but if we want to beat Desperate Housewives and American Idol, it’s our only shot,” she told reporters. “Unless they blood test Michael Phelps in prime time, we’ve got no game. Even if it is the Olympics.”

Russians Admit Using “CyberWarfare” Prior To War With Georgia

Russian President Vladimir Putin today admitted to a hastily arranged Moscow news conference that his country had engaged in “CyberWarfare” in the weeks prior to the war with Georgia.

“In the 21st century,” Putin told reporters, “every aspect of technology has a possibility for military uses. That includes the Internet.”

In the weeks prior to the war, Putin said, Russian hackers bombarded all known Georiga inboxes with hundreds of email letters to every Georgia resident, forcing them to delete all the unwanted mail in order to carry on their business or personal online correspondence.

“The average Georgian,” Putin said, “received solicitations from people claiming to be Nigerian ex-government officials offering to share inheritances, cures for baldness, formulas for reviving one’s sex life, prescription drugs and Rolex watches at bargain prices, and introductions to Russian women.

“We thought we would paralyze the Georgian economy with all this spam,” Putin said. “But to our surprise, Georgians in large numbers took advantage of all of the special bargains that we offered, especially the really great deals we gave on Viagra.

“We were also surprised by the gullibility of large numbers of Georgia’s elderly population, who sent large amounts of money to the ‘Nigerian generals.’ The bottom line is that we made so much money invading Georgia’s inboxes that the war itself seemed superfluous, which is why we got bored with it and called it off after a few days.”

Putin said that Russia would be able to finance a new search for oil off the coast of Murmansk, a Cold War-era submarine base, with all of the revenue streaming in from Georgia. Putin projected that taking the email campaign worldwide could create an astonishingly powerful passive income stream for his nation.

“We are fast approaching what Westerners call the ‘four-hour workweek,” Putin gloated. “We intend to take our email campaign to other nations, including the United States, and enjoy even greater revenues. Lenin would be proud. Yesterday, Georgia, tomorrow the world.”

Obama Names Gandhi As Veep

In a surprise move, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama today named the late Mahatma Gandhi of India as his running mate.

Sen. Obama told a hastily assembled Denver news conference that 'The U.S. Constitution says that only American-born live people can be present. Doesn't say anything about dead people."

Sen. Obama said he based his choice on Gandhi's track record on foreign policy.

"Freeing a subcontinent from the imperialistic British is an achievement none of the live people we considered can match," Sen. Obama said. "You kind of have to take your hat off to the guy."

Sen. Obama told reporters that Gandhi polled well with red state voters because he was "seen as older and wiser, and that he believed in limited government, and because he was one of the leading figures of the 20th century."

When asked whether he saw the late Mahatma's inability to campaign for the ticket as a detriment to the campaign, Sen. Obama vigorously disagreed.

"When was the last vice presidential candidate who made a meaningful contribution to any race?" he asked rhetorically. "To be honest, I didn't want anyone to distract from me."

Reporters would have asked other questions regarding the unlikely choice, but they were too busy prostrating themselves and touching the hem of Sen. Obama's garment, hoping to be healed. The late Mahatma was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Republicans Plan Rival Event In Denver

With an expected 250 million Americans streaming to Denver for next week's Democratic National Convention, Republican leaders have announced the formation of a rival event to attract attention to John McCain's candidacy.

"We're planning a day of speeches, music, and giveaways to attract voters," Republican Party spokesperson Jeff MacCutcheon told reporters. "We're hoping, honestly, to steal some of Barack Obama's thunder.

The concert will feature a reunion of all living members of the Eagles, the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, the Beach Boys, U2, as well as Willie Nelson, Garth Brooks, Madonna, Alabama, the Grand Ol' Opry, and the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra.

Speakers are expected to include the Dalai Lama, Pope Benedict XVI, Rick Warren, President George W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Vladimir Putin of Russia, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, Condolezza Rice, former President George H.W. Bush, Dr. Phil, the Siegfried and Roy guy who didn't get half-eaten by the tiger, Brett Favre, and the entire cast of the Las Vegas topless revue "Butt Naked!".

All attendees at the event, scheduled to take place at the same time as Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech, will receive a free GM car of their choosing, subject to availability, and all vehicles are available at this time.

Tickets are free.

"So far," MacCutcheon admitted, "we haven't had anyone requesting tickets, and we have as our venue the stadium where the Denver Broncos play. But we're expecting a big walkup crowd. I mean, fingers crossed, and stuff. I guess people really like that Obama guy. Yikes."

Chinese Tent, Shoot Triathlete With Broken Leg

In a stark display of the Chinese Olympic team’s motto “Win Or Don’t Go Home,” government authorities placed a small portable tent over triathlete gold medal hopeful Gong Fan-Qi and shot him after Liu shattered his leg in an accident during the cycling portion of Monday’s event.

“It’s what Gong would have wanted,” Chinese Olympics spokesman Lin Biau told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. “He was expected to win a gold medal and he was way behind coming out of the swim. After his bicycle slipped on some tacks that had been thoughtlessly strewn in his path, we had no choice but to take him out of his misery.”

China leads in the gold medal count but trails the United States in the overall medal tally, a subject of grave embarrassment among Chinese officials.

“Gong was headed for a fourth place finish,” Mr. Lin explained. “Naturally, we are proud that he would have completed the race as the fourth-best triathlete in the world. But they don’t give medals for fourth place, so finishing in that position would have brought great shame on Gong’s family, village, triathlon coach, and the entire Chinese Olympic team. So after his most unfortunate accident, we did the humane thing. All of China is saddened by this unexpected tragedy.”

When informed that spectators had seen other Chinese officials strewing tacks in the expected path of Gong’s bicycle, and that other officials had been seen five minutes before the accident, carrying a tent in the direction of where the accident would take place, and test firing an .08 caliber weapon, Mr. Biau offered a terse “no comment.”

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Trump Buys Ed McMahon's House As "Act of Mercy," Promptly Evicts Him

Donald Trump closed on his purchase of Ed McMahon's luxury Bel Air home last week, telling a hastily assembled Century City news conference that he wanted to perform an "act of mercy" for an entertainer he watched on TV for years.

"How could this happen?" Trump asked, referring to the 84-year-old McMahon's financial plight. "I could not let a national icon like this lose his home."

But the multibillionaire real estate developer promptly changed course and evicted McMahon from his home yesterday, explaining that McMahon had "failed to pay rent for months. Just because you're a national icon doesn't mean you can be a deadbeat."

Trump was able to take advantage of a loophole in California real estate law that permitted him to evict McMahon within hours of granting him a "lease for life."

"It's not what I wanted to do," Trump said. "My initial motivation was charitable, but after that, real estate is a business. I feel really bad for McMahon, but maybe he should have put more of his savings into an IRA and less into Jim Beam."

Trump put the house on the market the same afternoon he evicted McMahon, sold it within two hours, and netted a tidy $1.2 million profit.

"I never realized that indigent former celebrities could become such outstanding profit centers," Trump told reporters, and he said that he was now looking into purchasing the homes of, and promptly evicting, other celebrities of the past, including the entire casts of past TV sitcoms including Happy Days, Welcome Back, Kotter, and any surviving members of Gilligan's Island.

USA Takes Gold, Silver In Olympic Doping Competition

The United States claimed gold and silver medals in the Olympic doping competition at the Bird's Nest in Beijing this afternoon, in the first year that doping has been a medal sport.

Jeff McCutcheon, a two-time felon and former clubhouse attendant for the Houston Astros, took gold when his undetectable combination of HGH, steroids, and green tea, injected into the buttocks of a randomly chosen Chinese 400 meter hurdler, reduced the hurdler's time by more than 4.6 seconds.

Frank Tomlin, a former self-described "personal herbalist" for retired baseball star Jose Canseco, took the silver medal when his mixture of androstenedione, baking soda, and creme de menthe, rubbed onto the skin of a South African discus thrower, enabled that athlete to improve on his own previous mark by more than 5 meters.

Rene Deschamps of France, chief medical supervisor of the Tour de France, took bronze.

"Doping has traditionally been an important part of the Olympics," Chinese Olympics chairman Lin Biau told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. "In the past, though, it has always been in the shadows. We thought that turning doping into a medal sport would enliven the Games and attract more new fans, just like skateboarding and BMX, which are, of course, forbidden here in China."

In order to win a medal in doping, the contestant must abide by rules created by the International Olympic Committee in order to make doping a "credible Olympic sport," Mr. Lin said. "First, the competitor must create a steroid-like substance that cannot be detected by even the most current drug testing methods. Athletes are chosen at random for injection of the substances and are not informed of the materials they are forced to take. Any improved performance that results from the presence of the drugs counts for the athletes in their respective competitions."

President George W. Bush, still hanging around the Olympic Games because he has nothing else to do, really, until the end of his term of office, applauded the U.S. Doping Team's success.

"We want to give young people the impression that drug taking is wrong," the President told the Dissociated Press. "But since it's a part of our culture, we figured, let's go for the gold. I thought it was a nice touch that when Jeff McCutcheon, our gold medal winner, held up a photo of Barry Bonds while holding his fist in the air when they played our National Anthem. It's important that we remember those athletes who paved the way for glorious moments like this."

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Obama Raises Record $425 Billion For Campaign in July

Presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced at a hastily assembled Chicago news conference that his campaign had raised a record $425 billion in July, mostly from first-time contributors donating less than $100 each.

"We're honored by the large number of supporters," Sen. Obama told reporters. "$425 billion is a whole lot of money."

During the same campaign period, Republican presumptive Presidential candidate John McCain raised $11.35, mostly in pennies and nickels said to have been removed by the Senator's top campaign aides from Coinstar machines in Phoenix supermarkets.

Sen. Obama said that he would use no more than $3 billion with which to fund his Presidential campaign and would use the rest to retire the national debt "and buy a quality starting pitcher to assist the Cubs in their quest for a pennant."

The Obama campaign has now raised close to $800 billion and expects to go over the trillion-dollar mark "once we get to September and people start really paying attention to the election," Sen. Obama said.

The McCain campaign, which has taken in a total of well over $100 since the first of January, intends to ask foreign visitors at airports leaving the United States for their remaining U.S. coins, "since they won't be able to exchange them for currency once they leave, unless they can buy something from the inflight duty-free cart," a spokesman for Sen. McCain, wearing a pair of tattered pants and shoes that needed resoleing, told the Dissociated Press.

China Admits Helping Phelps To Distract From Invasion of Taiwan

The Chinese Government today admitted it had "assisted" Michael Phelps in his bid to win eight gold medals, to distract the world from its invasion of Taiwan.

"We have reunited our nation at last," Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao told a hastily assembled Taipei news conference. "The rest of the world was so focused on Phelps that we were able to slide into Taiwan unnoticed. This was the real purpose of our 2008 Olympic Games."

Premier Wen explained that "Phelps could not have won eight medals, especially the seventh, which he won by a hundredth of a second, without our help. We changed the timing clock to benefit him and also put in small waves into each of his competitors' lanes, to slow them down. He got his medals, and we got Taiwan."

China has long maintained it had the right to "reunify" with Taiwan, which it considered a province and not a separate country.

"We would also like to thank Russia for invading Georgia," Premier Wen said. "That certainly kept the story of China invading Taiwan off the top of Google News."

Premier Wen explained that the Chinese government's shutting down of the Internet to foreign media and visitors was intended as a "security measure" so no one could notice troops heading for Taiwan.

"Our heavy industries also cooperated," Premier Wen noted. "They created so much smog that our Air Force could fly unnoticed in the thick, sooty air. We regret any harm caused to the lungs of foreign athletes, of course."

Premier Wen said that the people of Taiwan would be treated fairly and that the province could operate as a separate economic zone, like Hong Kong, for ten years.

"After that," he said, "no more Mr. Nice Guy."

Separately, Russian President Vladimir Putin told the Dissociated Press that the invasion of Georgia was justified because "we were told by the Chinese that invasions would be considered an Olympic event."

Friday, August 15, 2008

Edwards Tells Barbara Walters: "I'm Far Too Handsome For Just One Woman"

In an exclusive, hastily arranged interview to air Sunday night, former Presidential candidate John Edwards told Barbara Walters that he was "too handsome for just one woman" and that there were "political motivations, and not just pure lust," behind his 2006 affair.

Edwards, 56, explained that as President, he would be subjected to intense temptations as "the most powerful, and potent, man in the land." His affair with a 44-year-old videographer was intended as a "trial run. I'm a trial lawyer, and I always rehearse important moments in trials before I go to court. This was in the same category."

Edwards said that he had gotten the idea for the affair from former President Bill Clinton, who had advised Edwards to practice "pick-up lines, making hotel reservations under different names, escaping from Secret Service minders, and making up stories about working late to tell the little woman, before I got into office, so I'd be prepared for the sex-related pressures of being leader of the Free World."

Edwards said that he had never intended to have an affair "because affairs are wrong, although many presidents, including Bill, of course, and Jack Kennedy, and Abraham Lincoln were famous for their infidelities that coincided with their term in office."

When pressed by Walters for specifics regarding Lincoln's alleged affairs, Edwards admitted "I don't have all the facts. But the reality is that Americans do not want a President who needs on the job training in any aspect of the job, and that includes having and denying affairs. My sole purpose in the extramarital relationship I had was to be ready to hit the ground running, and also various mattresses around Washington, too."

Edwards said that he felt remorse because he had not come up with a good cover line when the National Inquirer broke the story.

"Bill's line," Edwards explained, "about how 'I did not have sex with that woman' was a lawyerly masterpiece, and I wasn't ready with my own. I was thinking about 'I never laid eyes, or anything else on that woman' or 'Who are you going to believe, me or that lyin' blogosphere?' But the best I could come up with, of course, was, 'Yeah, I did it.' Lame, huh?"

Edwards also acknowledged that he was "far too handsome for just one woman," a statement with which Walters demonstrated her agreement by surreptitiously handing the former Senator her hotel room key, a pair of panties from the mid-1970s, and a love note/letter of recommendation from former Massachusetts Senator Edward Brooke.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Bush at Olympics Admits Hasn’t Been in White House Since June; Discovers 6 New Countries To Invade

President George W. Bush admitted to a hastily assembled Beijing news conference that he has “not seen the inside of the White House since June” and that his Olympics attendance has given him 6 new countries to invade.

“They don’t give me a whole lot of work back in Washington,” the President told reporters. “So me and Laura have been out there kind of seeing the world. What they call the international party circuit—we did the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona in July, one of those topless beaches in Greece for a couple of weeks—and now here we are at the Olympics. And from here we’re going to Germany for Oktoberfest. Nobody really wants me to campaign with them, so I’m kind of free to travel a little bit.”

The President told reporters that he thought the United States was “ungrateful” for the Iraq War. “A lot of Presidents wouldn’t have invaded,” he said. “They would have just let Iraq stay in Kuwait, although maybe that was the First Gulf War. No. I mean the weapons. Those big weapons that what’s his name had. The guy who used to run Iraq. Before we found him in a hole. Remember?”

President Bush also said that he had spent much of his time meeting with athletes from all over the world and asking them “what kind of natural resources they had in their countries, some of which had really messed up names, like Guinea-Bissau or the Maldive Islands. They’ve got countries in the Olympics smaller than Dallas! Anyway, I made a list of six countries we really could invade in a New York minute. One’s got bauxite—we need bauxite, right? It’s expensive, isn’t it? Well, if we invade Georgia—it’s near Russia—we’ll have all we want.”

A reporter pointed out to the President that Russia had already invaded Georgia, and the President responded angrily, “That bastard Putin! I told him about the bauxite in Georgia in confidence, during that U.S.-China basketball game! He thinks he’s Lenin! Well, it could be worse. That pint-sized Bob Costas thinks he’s Sam Donaldson.”

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

NFL Insiders: Has The Game Passed Aaron Rodgers By?

NFL experts have begun to question whether the game has passed Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers by, according to published reports.

“The game changes so fast these days,” an unnamed NFC offensive coordinator told the Dissociated Press. “Rodgers was clearly distracted during the recent controversy over whether Brett Favre would return to the Packers. Although Rodgers got the job, a lot of people in the League think he missed so much during that week that he really can’t get a handle on the modern game.”

Favre, 38, came out of retirement just before training camp and caused the Packers to spend valuable hours and minutes focused on arranging a trade for Favre instead of keeping Rodgers updated on the latest changes in football strategy.

“The Monday that the Packers were negotiating with the Vikings [over a deal for Favre],” the unnamed NFC offensive coordinator said, “most of the teams in the NFL moved from a cover-2 to a Flex-3.

“And by the time Tuesday rolled around, the NFL teams had abandoned the Flex-3 for a nickel package that utilizes a shotgun along with a formation not unlike a medieval trebuchet. Where was Aaron Rodgers that whole time? In a bar, drinking Rolling Rock, waiting for the Packers to make up their mind.”

Rodgers had been named the quarterback to replace the legendary Favre, who retired at the end of last season.

“So the Packers finally made up their minds and shipped Favre to the Jets,” the unnamed NFC offensive coordinator explained. “But by then, the League had moved away from the shotgun/trebuchet formation and toward a cover-flex-rollout with two down linemen and two guys in the secondary waving those big ‘We’re Number One’ oversized foam fingers on their hands, inciting the crowd.

“That’s how the game evolved while Rodgers was sitting drinking brewskies,” the unnamed offensive coordinator concluded. “He was really out of the loop when all these important changes took place. So I think it’s fair to say that the game may well have passed Rodgers by.

“It’s nothing personal, but he was just away from the NFL game for too long. He’s a good kid, but if I’m Green Bay, I’m looking around for a cell phone number for Vinny Testaverde or maybe Randall Cunningham. I hear Namath isn’t busy these days. That’s the direction most people think the organization has to take, if they're going to compete in the modern NFL.”

Hillary: Obama’s Refusing My Convention Demands

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that Sen. Obama’s team “is refusing my convention requests, which I consider entirely reasonable.”

Sen. Clinton told reporters that she had a list of nine demands and that the Obama team was “stubbornly resisting all of them. I don’t understand why they are being so petulant, unreasonable, and unable to deal in reality.”

The requests Sen. Clinton’s team presented include the following:

1. Paying her a convention appearance fee of $80 million, to offset her campaign debts.

2. Renaming the convention in her honor, so it would be called the “Hillary Rodham Clinton 2008 Democratic Convention.”

3. Permitting her name to be placed into nomination at the Convention by the boxing guy who says “Let’s get ready to have Hillary Rodham Clinton rumble!”

4. Having Sen. Obama wear a Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign button during his acceptance speech.

5. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, four VIP tickets to each inaugural event with special announcements of her entry and exit from each event.

6. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, Sen. Clinton is to receive her choice of cabinet positions.

7. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, former President Bill Clinton can come to the White House anytime, jump to the head of the tour line, and help himself to anything he wants in the White House pantry.

8. Selecting Hillary Rodham Clinton as the Vice Presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket.

9. In the event that Sen. Obama wins election, he would gracefully refuse the Presidency and instead turn the office over to the person who really, really deserves it the most because she worked so hard and put up with Bill’s infidelities for all those years, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“We think these demands are entirely fair,” Sen. Clinton concluded. “All I can do is hope that Sen. Obama will stop acting so delusional and recognize that I’m the one who really should be President.”

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I’m Too Computer Illiterate To Plagiarize, McCain Insists

“I’m way too old, computer illiterate, and nearsighted to go on the Internet,” Republican Presidential candidate John McCain told a hastily assembled Kissimmee, Florida news conference. “I did not plagiarize Wackypedia or whatever it’s called. Really.”

Senator McCain’s recent speech on the Georgia-Russia war met with skepticism in a Congressional Quarterly blog, which indicated that McCain may have lifted facts and large parts of sentences from, the online encyclopedia.

“I resent the accusations that I don’t do my own homework,” McCain told reporters. “But look at the facts. I wouldn’t know how to find Winkle-pedia on the Internet if it bit me on my $500 designer loafers.”

McCain’s aides hotly denied that the Senator had lifted the speech from Wikipedia, but a side-by-side comparison of his words and the entry describing the former Soviet nation now locked in combat with Russia suggested otherwise.

Reporters began to compare other McCain speeches with other entries on other websites and asked McCain questions about those sites.

“I did not plagiarize my recent economic address on ethanol from Motley Fuels,” Senator McCain insisted. “And I did not steal language from my recent speech on Mexican immigration from or any other Spanish-related website. And I resent the implication that I lifted language about the Palestinians from Al, although he is a very fine singer.”

When asked whether Americans were ready to elect a President whose aides cribbed basic information from websites, and a President who was so out of touch with modern technology that he couldn’t even download baseball scores, Sen. McCain offered a terse “no comment.”

Monday, August 11, 2008

McCain: Georgia Will Never Surrender

“I would bomb Russia back to the Stone Age,” Sen. John McCain today told a hastily assembled Topeka, Kansas campaign audience of at least 15, “if they invaded Georgia while I was President. Atlanta will never burn again, and I’m just not whistling Dixie!”

McCain told startled reporters and campaign supporters that “Georgia is not just an important state in the election, it’s an important state in the Union. It’s the Capitol of the New South. It’s the town that’s too busy to hate, unless that’s Dallas, but I believe it’s Atlanta. Russia’s attack must be repulsed immediately.”

As aides rushed the podium, Sen. McCain told reporters that he was “outraged” that President Bush had not acted more quickly to respond to the crisis. “He’s off gallivanting at the Olympics,” the Senator fumed, “and we’re in the middle of what might potentially be World War III. He’s watching the Dream Team, and we’re living the nightmare.”

An aide sought unsuccessfully to whisper something in the Senator’s ear as he remarked, “The last time America was attacked on its own soil was the Civil War. And, um, that other time. What’s it called. 9/11. But I’ve met Vladimir Putin, and he’s no General Sherman. I hope I’m making myself clear.”

The campaign event came to a hurried end as the Senator’s lavaliere microphone suddenly went dead and Secret Service agents were instructed to pick the Senator up bodily and carry him offstage, to an undisclosed, secure location.

Chinese Olympic Markswomen Shoot, Miss Chinese Olympic Gymnastic Team

The Chinese Government, distressed by poor showings from its markswomen and women’s gymnastics team, ordered the markswomen to shoot the gymnasts, but they missed.

Lin Biau, a spokesman for the Chinese Olympic team, told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference that “both teams had brought shame upon China by their imperfect performances. The markswomen disappointed more than a billion of their countrymen by failing to win the first gold medal of the games. Although the women’s gymnastic team performed well enough to advance to the medal round, their performance was still shockingly poor. So the government ordered them executed.”

The markswomen were given the job of dispatching the gymnasts to the “great Bird’s Nest Arena In The Sky Where Our Glorious Father Mao Watches All Of The NBC Feeds Of All Olympic Events And Especially Likes Bob Costas,” Mr. Lin told reporters.

“Unfortunately,” Mr. Lin said, “the markswomen’s aim was just as poor in the execution as it was on the Olympic grounds. We have a concept of double jeopardy in our legal system, so they could not be executed a second time.

“So the women’s gymnastics team will have to perform yet again,” Mr. Lin said, "under personal and political pressure that would be unbearable for an adult, yet alone a group of 10-year-old girls. We think that’s punishment enough. Did I say 10-year-olds? I meant 16-year-olds. My bad.”

Edwards, Still Denying Paternity, Provides New Details of Liaison

“I know she was a videographer,” a chastened former Sen. Jonathan Edwards told a hastily assembled Durham, North Carolina news conference, “but she was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene. I said don’t mind, but what do you mean I am the one?”

Edwards continued to deny paternity of a child born to Rielle Hunter, a videographer with whom the Senator, who ran for President on a strongly pro-family message, had an affair in 2006.

“She’s just a girl who claims I am the one,” Edwards told reporters, “but the kid is not my daughter.”

When asked how the two first met, Edwards explained that she had been shooting a campaign video and that she had directed him to “dance on the floor in the round,” the former Senator said. “I didn’t understand what that meant, so I invited her back to my hotel room so she could explain it to me.”

When asked whether he had any advice for other pro-family politicians, a visibly upset Edwards replied, “People always told me be careful of what you do and don’t go around breaking young girls’ hearts.”

Reporters pointed out that Hunter was 44, which is not precisely “young,” Edwards noted that “She came and stood right by me” and that he was affected by “the smell of sweet perfume.”

Reporters also pressed Edwards for information about the length of the relationship and why it ended.

“For forty days and forty nights,” Edwards, shamefaced, told the news conference. “And it ended because of her schemes and plans. She had a very full schedule, and who can stand when she’s in demand?”

He then repeated, over and over until his voice faded to a mere whisper, “But the kid is not my daughter.”

Thursday, August 7, 2008

California Bans Trans Fats, Foul Language, Bad Attitudes, Road Rage, Smoking,

“We want everyone in the state to be as perfect as I am,” California Gov. Arnold Schwartneggar told a hastily assembled swooning mob of politicians and reporters, as he signed into law a bill banning the use of trans fats by food providers in the state. Trans fats

“But the bill goes much further than trans fats, which are a leading cause of heart disease,” Schwartzneggar said, in his trademark heavily Germanically accented English. “We want to have a perfect state with perfect people, so this bill also bans many of the other things that have driven me crazy.

“From now on, no more foul language,” Schwartzneggar said. “They make people upset, and you can get sick from being upset. The new law forbids the use of expletives in anything other than gyms and rap lyrics. If you drop an F-bomb in California, you will go to jail.

“In addition,” Schwartzneggar continued, “it’s been proven that bad attitudes can be even more harmful to one’s health even than trans fats. So we’re making bad attitudes illegal as well. If you have a bad attitude in California, you will go to jail.”

Road rage has been an increasing problem in California as its traffic woes have increased, the Governor noted, and the new law criminalizes road rage. “If you flip another driver the bird, even with cause,” Schwartzneggar warned, “in the state of California, you will go to jail.”

The issue of smoking is also addressed in the new law, Schwartneggar said. “If you smoke a cigarette in the state of California, you will go to jail.”

Evil and wicked thoughts are also harmful to one’s health, and have been banned by the new law, the Governor explained. “Unless you keep your thoughts positive, in the state of California, you will go to jail.”

Asked by a flabby, cynical reporter clutching a donut in one hand and a cigarette in the other whether the law banning trans fats and other unhealthy practices and behaviors represented an overly intrusive government seeking to micromanage the lives of Californians who were perfectly capable of making their own health and lifestyle decisions, and who had never taken dangerous steroids in order to become champion bodybuilders or perhaps overcompensate for a negative self-image, Gov. Schwartneggar offered a terse “No comment.”

Brett Favre Not Informed Of Trade to Jets; Packer Spokesman: “Please Don’t Tell Him”

Legendary Packers quarterback Brett Favre has not been informed of his trade yesterday to the New York Jets, and the Packers “want it to stay that way,” Packers spokesman Dolph Blodgren told a hastily assembled Green Bay, Wisconsin news conference.

“We think it’s in Brett’s best interest not to know that he has been traded,” Blodgren told reporters. “He is deeply devoted to our team, but we have made a choice to move on with quarterback Aaron Rodgers. So we’ve traded him to another team with a green uniform, the uniform that most closely resembles ours in the entire NFL. If you encounter Mr. Favre, please do not explain to him that he no longer plays for Green Bay. It could be too psychologically devastating for him.”

Blodgren told reporters that the Jets were taking steps to maintain the illusion that Favre is still playing in Green Bay. “Giants Stadium will be redesigned to look like Lambeau Field,” Blodgren said. “Jets fans have been asked to stop urinating on each other, or on players, during games. And the Jets players have been instructed to talk about ice fishing, deer hunting, and cheese.”

Blodgren pointed out that it would only take one slip, by a reporter, player, or fan, well-meaning or otherwise, for the entire charade to fall apart. “We’re hoping for 100% cooperation from everyone involved even tangentially with the NFL. It would break Brett’s heart if he knew he was playing for the Jets. I mean, my God, the Jets. It was either this or trade him to the Saskatchewan Roughriders of the Canadian Football League, whose uniform also looks like ours.”

“Brett doesn’t deserve to play for the Jets,” Blodgren said. “No one does. He’d be furious with us and heartbroken if he learns the truth. So we’ve got our fingers crossed that he never finds out.”

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

College Football Players Petition NCAA For “Bowls For All Teams”

“We’re all special,” Casey Wroglander, starting offensive lineman for the West Texas Wildcats told a hastily assembled Indianapolis news conference, where he displayed petitions signed by every active college football player in the United States demanding that every football team get a bowl game.

“We all want to go to bowl games," Wroglander said. " Otherwise, it won’t be fair.”

Wroglander held his news conference on the steps of the NCAA, which determines which schools are eligible to go to bowls and how many bowls there will be.

Wroglander pointed out that his generation of football players is the first to reach college age having won certificates, ribbons, and even trophies no matter where their middle school or high school teams finished in the standings and no matter how well or how poorly they played as individuals.

“We’re all first string,” Wroglander told reporters, “whether we’re first string or waterboys or the kind of lame kids who never even get on the field because they’re so pathetic and weak. We’re all differently abled, but we all should have equal opportunities to, um, succeed, and success for my generation means not having a chance to fail.”

Wroglander said that he was working on a similar petition from graduating seniors to the NFL, asking the league to eliminate scoring on the Wonderlich intelligence test and also stop using stopwatches to time the 40 yard dash.

“The race is not always to the swift,’ Wroglander read, from his prepared notes. “Or to the smart. Just because you’re slow-footed and kind of stupid doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your fair chance to play in the NFL.”

A spokesman for the NCAA, studying the request, told the Dissociated Press that while the idea was unusual, it would only require the addition of four more bowl games, since all but eight NCAA 1-A teams currently get bowl nods at the end of each season.

“We’re all winners,” Wroglander said. “We all deserve the right to participate in bowl games at the end of the season. Trying to go undefeated puts too much pressure and stress in our lives. Pressure and stress are bad. So if we all go to bowl games, we can all feel good about ourselves. And isn’t that what college football is all about?”

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens Reveals Secret Plan to Sell Alaska Back To Russia

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, indicted on corruption charges, today revealed that he had concluded a deal with undercover FBI agents masquerading as Russian government agents to sell Alaska back to Russia for $11,000.

“It was a temptation too great to ignore,” Stevens told reporters at a hastily assembled Juneau news conference. “Every dime I make from my Senate salary goes right back into my campaign. In Alaska, $11,000 goes a long way.”

The United States originally purchased Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million in 1867. Sen. Stevens had received phone calls from men named “Boris” and “Alexei” claiming to represent the Russian government. The men, who were actually FBI agents, told Sen. Stevens they wanted to buy Alaska back “because of the demands of national sovereignty,” the Senator admitted.

“They sounded like the real deal to me,” Sen. Stevens said. “They didn’t have Russian accents, which should have tipped me off, and whenever they called, I would hear a lot of talk in the background of other FBI agents talking about other undercover cases. That should have tipped me off, too.”

At the behest of “Boris” and “Alexei,” Sen. Stevens snuck a rider selling Alaska back to Russia into the last page of a hotly debated stem cell research bill, which was passed by the Senate and ultimately signed into law by President Bush.

The Senator received his payoff in a pouch disguised as a feedbag for dogs at a checkpoint of the recent Iditarod cross-Alaska dog race. He was only arrested after he went on a spending spree in the Anchorage area, using the marked $100 bills to buy a new snowblower, new shoeshoes, a new muffler, sixteen gallons of kerosene, and a gimme cap that read “I [heart symbol] Alaska.”

Sen. Stevens said he “deeply regretted” his lapse of judgment, and that he especially regretted the fact that since the bill containing his rider had been signed into law, the sale of Alaska to Russia was “irrevocable and it takes effect on September 1. I hope the people of Alaska who placed their trust in me can forgive me. To them, I say, das vedanya and have a nice day.”

American Airlines Announces $7 Lavatory Charge in Coach

Taking a cue from rival JetBlue’s new $7 charge for a blanket and pillow, American Airlines today announced that it would begin charging $7 for the use of lavatories in the economy section on all domestic flights, effective immediately.

Lavatories would remain free in first and business class sections of flights.

“When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go,” John Silvester, American Airlines’ Director of Passenger Services, told a hastily arranged Dallas news conference. “And despite the recent dip in oil prices, we’ve got to go to this.”

American becomes the first domestic airline to charge for lavatory services, Silvester said, “although we assume our competitors are watching and waiting for the public’s response, as is usually the case in our marketplace. If this charge sticks, we have no doubt that United and USAir and everyone else will follow suit.”

Silvester said that the additional fee was necessary due to the increasingly high cost of maintaining the lavatories. “Our planes are spending more and more time on the tarmac,” he said. “Which means that more people are getting up and going to the little boys’ or little girls’ room. It all adds up.”

Silvester said that in order to make the fee more acceptable to the flying public, American would be upgrading its lavatories and making them “more elegant, like a nice private bathroom in a five-star hotel. We’re putting in elegant fixtures, marble sinks, high-powered mirrors, and other touches that focus groups have indicated as most desirable. Those flimsy plastic toilet seats will be a thing of the past.”

The bathrooms will actually be cleaned at least once during the course of the flight, Silvester said. In addition, an attendant will be present in the lavatory in order to assist with a new array of towels, colognes, aftershave, and mints.

“Tipping is entirely optional,” Silvester assured reporters, “although the attendants in the lavatory will be unpaid. We’re leaving that up to our patrons.”

Silvester said that the lavatories would be activated by a credit card slide that would charge the passenger either $7 per use or a flat $15 fee for unlimited use of the lavatories during a given flight.

“In addition,” Silvester said, “we’re offering a bonus of 500 AAdvantage miles to each passenger who uses the new system. So every time you get up and go, you’ll be able to get up and go to more places.”

Monday, August 4, 2008

Israel Introduces “Prime Minister For A Day” Lottery

The Israeli government has announced a new lottery with a dual purpose: to resolve the nation’s budget deficit and to fill the leadership gap created by the resignation of scandal-plagued Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

“All Israelis believe they know more about running the government than the government itself,” government spokesman Shlomo Ben-Agram told a hastily assembled Jerusalem news conference. “Now they can put their money where their mouth is.”

The lottery tickets, which will cost 5 New Israeli Shekels (approximately $1.50) will permit the winner to assume all the rights and responsibilities of the Prime Minister’s office, for a 24-hour period. This includes the right to negotiate and conclude peace treaties with Israel’s neighbors, solve the dilemma of conflicts regarding land on the West Bank, and settle the issue of Jerusalem’s governance as a multi-religious city.

“We politicians are sick and tired of hearing how stupid we are,” Ben-Agram told reporters. “If the people think running this country is so easy, let them try it.”

There would be no limits on the power that the Prime Ministers For A Day would enjoy. They would be free, Ben-Agram said, to devaluate the shekel, withdraw Israel from the United Nations, end compulsory military service, or anything else they wanted, subject to the decisions made by the Prime Minister For A Day who comes next.

At the same time, the Israeli government expects to earn millions of shekels from the sales of the lottery tickets, enough to balance the budget for the first time in eleven years.

“Quite frankly,” Ben-Agram said, “this program is so similar to the way the Israeli government has operated for the last three decades, that you’d be hard-pressed to notice anything different. Our only concern is what happens if an Arab wins. But quite frankly, how much more damage could they do to our country than the people who are already running it?”

China To Arrest, Reeducate All Olympic Athletes

Expressing shock over the political naivete of Olympic athletes arriving in Beijing for the games that begins Friday, the Chinese government has begun to arrest all competitors from non-Communist countries and put them in reeducation camps to last for the duration of the Games.

“This step is intended as a goodwill gesture to the nations these athletes represent,” Chinese Olympic spokesman Lin Biao told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference. “When they come home, they will have a deeper appreciation for central government, restrictions on the Internet, and the undesirability of free trade. In other words, they will think more like us.”

Mr. Lin said that athletes would attend classes for up to 18 hours a day and could receive visits from the Red Cross “if a suitable time can be found. They will be spending up to four hours a day outside of class doing homework and reviewing their lessons for the next day, so they may not have time to meet with the representatives of the Red Cross. Assuming the Red Cross people can even find the camps.”

The reeducation camps will focus on the desirability of suppressing minority religious groups in areas under China’s control, dominating the international economic system, ignoring other nations’ demands for China to provide its citizens with human rights, China’s ongoing support of the North Korean government, and planned starvation of “excessive numbers” of citizens.

“After the games,” Mr. Lin said, “the athletes will be much better equipped to tell our side of the story to reporters than if they just hung around the Olympic Village, had inappropriate physical relations with athletes from other countries, and competed in their respective sports.”

When asked by reporters whether the positive effect on China’s medal count, if all of its non-Communist competitors were unable to take part in the games, was a factor in the decision to arrest and reeducate the athletes, Mr. Lin offered a terse “no comment.”

Bush, Distressed By War, Renames Himself “The President Formerly Known As Bush”

President George W. Bush today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that he was “deeply distressed” by the stalemated Iraq War and had brought “enormous shame and dishonor” to his family name.

“Therefore,” the President told reporters, “after I step down from office in January, I will be known not by the name George W. Bush but by three squiggles in the shape of a peace sign. Since the squiggles are unpronounceable, I would like people to refer to me as “The President Formerly Known As Bush.”

When reporters asked about his post-Presidency plans, the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush said that he was going to star in a new Broadway musical he was writing, “The Wizard of Osama.”

“I’m going to be a Dorothy-like character, trying to find my way back home,” the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush told reporters. “I will be accompanied by Nancy Pelosi, who will be looking for courage, Dick Cheney, who will be looking for a heart, and John McCain, who’s got a very funny moment when he says, ‘Oil me! Oil me!’”

When asked about the connection between the Broadway musical and his own unsuccessful efforts to locate the elusive mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush told reporters, “History is repeated once as history and a second time as musical comedy. I get to sing, ‘Somewhere Under Peshawar/Caves Are Deep. If I Could Find Osama I’d Put Him To Sleep.’

“It’s kind of therapeutic for me,” the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush told reporters. “That whole war thing just blew up in my face. Makes me miss my days when I was owning the Texas Rangers. My being President was Dad’s idea, anyway. I think he landed on top of his head skydiving once too often.

“If I’d known that I would have been the biggest weapon of mass destruction, I’d never have taken the job,” the President soon to be known as the President Formerly Known As Bush concluded. “Anybody want to hear me sing a few bars from my musical?”

GM Unworried About $3.8 Billion Loss; Company Has “Pots and Pots” Of Cash

A spokesman for General Motors today told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference that the struggling automaker had no concerns about its reported $15.5 billion loss for the second quarter of 2008.

“We have pots and pots of cash,” GM Vice President For Public Relations Eric Tolderson told reporters. “Pots and pots. Pots and pots. Pots and pots.”

Reporters pointed out that GM burned through $3.6 billion in cash in the second quarter and has lost more than $51 billion in the last three years.

“We’ve been going through tough times,” Tolderson said. “But we’re going to be just fine. People forget that GM has been the world’s leading automaker for centuries. OK, decades. We’ve sold millions and millions of cars. Millions and millions. Millions and millions. We made a ton of money on those cars. Those were the good old days. Just us, Ford, and Chrysler. Lots of cars. Lots of money. Pots and pots.”

Reporters pointed out that GM’s market share has collapsed in recent months, owing to the Detroit automaker’s focus on large, gas-guzzling vehicles and the economic crisis in the United States.

“We’ve been through recessions before,” Tolderson said, his tone dismissive. “But America has always come back, and they’ve always come back to GM.”

Reporters pointed out that GM could burn through an additional $6.2 billion in the second half of 2008 and another $4.2 billion in 2009.

“We have pots and pots of cash,” Tolderson repeated. “Pots and pots. Pots and pots. We’ll be fine.”

An unnamed member of GM’s financial team stepped to the podium, whispered at length in Tolderson’s ear, and stepped away again.

Tolderson, suddenly appearing flushed, gripped the podium tightly with both hands and replied, in a voice suddenly gone tense, “I have just been informed by one of our senior people that we do not have pots and pots of cash. We do not have any cash. We are negotiating to pay our electric bills with fully loaded Chevy Blazers. We’re going down.”

Friday, August 1, 2008

Pelosi Takes Away Military’s Credit Card; Buys New Wardrobe

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Left Coast) told a hastily assembled San Francisco news conference that she has kept her promise to “take away the military’s credit card” and reign in spending on the War in Iraq. She subsequently used the military’s credit card, however, to buy herself a new wardrobe.

“It’s amazing how far a billion a month will go, even in a store like Neiman-Marcus,” said Speaker Pelosi, who was wearing no less than six designer gowns, fourteen pairs of Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals, and a dozen pair of diamond earrings, all of which, according to the Neiman-Marcus catalog, “can be seen from the Space Shuttle at sunrise.”

Speaker Pelosi came to power on a pledge to reduce military spending significantly enough in order to force an early end to the Iraq War. Her efforts to rein in the military’s enormous budget succeeded, but her bills from Neiman’s, the Macy’s in downtown San Francisco, and Nordstrom for the month of July slightly outstripped the cost of the War.

“I know I have to rein in my own spending,” Speaker Pelosi admitted, waving an armful of solid platinum bracelets at members of the press. “I’m just not used to having a credit card without a spending limit. Even my American Express Black card cuts you off at some point.”

Speaker Pelosi told reporters that before she turned the military’s credit card in to the General Accounting Office, she intended to acquire for herself a fleet of six LearJets, an NBA team, Microsoft, and the nation of Antigua.

“Eventually, the cost savings of taking away the military’s credit card will reach the U.S. Treasury and benefit taxpayers,” Speaker Pelosi said, as she reclined on a six-foot high stack of Prada purses. “Until then, I think people want to see that their House Speaker is living comfortably. And with the amount of money we’re still spending in Iraq, I don’t think anyone will even notice my little bit of extravagance.”