Monday, August 31, 2009

In Surprise Move, Patriots Trade Gisele Bundchen to Cowboys For Jessica Simpson, Draft Picks

On the eve of the upcoming NFL season, the New England Patriots have traded quarterback Tom Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to the Dallas Cowboys for quarterback Tony Romo's girlfriend, model/actress/whatever Jessica Simpson, plus two third round draft choices in the 2011 draft.

"We think that Simpson can shake up our offense," Patriots coach Bill Belichick told a hastily assembled Foxboro news conference. "Since his injury, [Tom] Brady has been spending too long in the pocket. We think the addition of Simpson will increase his lateral mobility."

Belichick said that Jerry Jones was "more than eager" to accept Bundchen in exchange for Simpson and the draft choices, because "Jerry said he still blames Simpson for distracting Romo from the playoffs a couple of years back. Jerry also says that Bundchen is the only quarterback girlfriend in the NFL whose legs are long enough to stretch across that big new scoreboard of his."

When asked whether Simpson's long mane of blonde hair, leggy supermodel body, and "come hither eyes" would distract the Patriots from their mission of returning to the Super Bowl, he replied, "I'd rather look at her across the field than Plaxico Burress, and I think I'm speaking for most if not all of the team when I say that."

Sick Kids Hold Telethon To Benefit Jerry Lewis

"Have you seen Jerry lately?" Freddy Johnston, age 7, asked a hastily assembled Las Vegas news conference. "He looks horrible. So we sick kids of America are going to have a telethon this year to support Jerry Lewis. He's done so much for us. It's time for us to give back."

Johnston suffers from a rare form of leukemia called Fernofel's Syndrome, which has no known symptoms and no known causes and has never been responsible for the death of a child but does require approximately $78,000 per year in prescription drugs.

"Jerry Lewis has done so much for children," Johnston said. "But he looks worse than any of us. The idea that he would stay up all night again just to help us--we just can't handle it. So we're going to take care of him this year."

Johnston said that if his parents let him stay up late, he and the other sick kids hoped to raise "somewhere in the area of $4.25 for Mr. Lewis. It's not much, but maybe he can buy some Advil or something. Because it looks like there's no cure for the telethon, and that's just not something we kids can feel good about."

"The View" Wins Daytime Emmy For Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests

"The View" took home a Daytime Emmy today for Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests. It was the only show in the category and won with 42% of the vote.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Lockerbie Bomber Says Prison Was Okay, Except For The Haggis

Convicted and released Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi told a hastily assembled Tripoli news conference that he was grateful to his Scottish captors for releasing him because he was "sick not of imprisonment but of haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that the steady diet of haggis, Scotland's traditional dish made of sheep's lung, had contributed to his terminal illness and that he would not have minded staying in prison if it were not for the dish.

"Haggis for breakfast, haggis for lunch, haggis for dinner," al-Megrahi told reporters. "I liked the Scottish people I met including my prison guards, the golfers I met, the people who sang that song about 'O Flower of Scotland.' Very beautiful. But that haggis completely ruined my system. I petitioned for corn flakes, but all I could get was haggis, haggis, haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that his sole regret in life was that he did not bring down a jumbo jet over northern Italy.

"Fettucini, risotto, polenta, calimari," al-Megrahi told reporters in a dreamy tone of voice. "Anybody got an Alitalia schedule?"

Sharpton Claims LAPD Investigating Jackson Homicide "Only Because He's White"

Reverend Al Sharpton today told a hastily assembled Brooklyn, New York news conference that the reason Michael Jackson's death was still the subject of an LAPD homicide investigation is "only because he's white."

"Plenty of African Americans are killed every day," Rev. Sharpton told reporters. "But their deaths are never investigated. Police just write them off as gang killings. But when a white man dies, the Los Angeles Police Department springs into action."

"If Michael Jackson had been a Black man," Sharpton said, "this would never be happening. It's like I always say--when there's justice, there's just us."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Lynn Jenkins: "I Meant Waist-High Grope, Not Great White Hope"

Kansas freshman Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins today told a hastily assembled Wichita news conference that she had been "viciously misquoted" by a "vast left-wing media conspiracy" and that she had not said the Republicans were looking for a "great white hope" to run against President Barack Obama in 2012.

"I never said great white hope," Jenkins told reporters. "What I said was, I was so lonely and deprived of male physical contact that I was hoping to receive a waist-high grope from someone, preferably a man built like one of those Chippendales or Thunder Down Under guys you see in Vegas."

Jenkins, who has lived in Kansas all her life, told reporters that "I meant nothing against President Obama. My remark wasn't even political in nature. I'm just a lonely, lonely woman and the Congressmen I've met in D.C. are far more interested in having affairs with their underage pages than with a mature, robust woman like myself."

The Congresswoman told reporters that "while my comment obviously had been twisted by the liberal media to imply that we needed a white man to beat Obama, my intent was purely sexual. One waist-high grope and I'll be feeling like my old self again."

Police Find Evidence Of Food, Coffee, A Few Magazines At Michael Jackson's House

Acting on a tip from friends of the late singer, Los Angeles police investigators turned up evidence of peanut butter, instant coffee, and several month-old copies of TV Guide and Us Magazine.

"We expected heroin, dead bodies, and possibly children who had been taken as long-time hostages by Mr. Jackson," Ulf Rassindorf, a spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Department, told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference.

"We found none of those things," Rassindorf told reporters. "But we did find evidence that Mr. Jackson liked peanut butter sandwiches, with the crusts cut off, while he watched TV."

Reports had been circulating that the late pop star had been addicted to various drugs and that a police search of his home would turn up incriminating evidence.

"There's no law against liking Jif," Rassindorf said. "And while it's not exactly masculine to have the crusts cut off, it's not something we'd build a case around. In any event, the last time I checked, the late Mr. Jackson was still dead, so who really cares what he had in his house?"

Rassindorf pointed out that "although many people would not have chosen him for a babysitter or mother's helper, he did have enough money that he did not have to look for jobs in those fields. Here at LAPD, our attitude toward Mr. Jackson, quite frankly, is 'case closed.'"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Age Of Taiwanese Little Leaguer Doubted When His Wife, Kids Appear At Ballpark

Chien Hsu, the star pitcher for Taiwan's entry in the Little League World Series, was eliminated from the roster when his wife and three young children visited him in the clubhouse after Wednesday's qualifying game.

Hsu, 37, told a hastily arranged Williamsport, Pennsylvania news conference that he "deeply regretted" the confusion over his age. Hsu was listed on the team roster as being 14.

"I am truly sorry to have brought shame upon my family and nation," Hsu said, sporting razor stubble and a partially visible shoulder tattoo apparently depicting a Budweiser label. "I did not understand the rules of Little League. I thought that since I was little--I am just over five feet tall--I qualified."

Hsu said that he thought Little League was similar to 6 feet-and-under basketball leagues, which are popular in the United States.

"My children kept saying, 'Daddy, Daddy, you are so old compared with your teammates," Hsu told reporters. "I did find it odd that none of them smoked or were married, just me."

Hsu was to have pitched in the championship game in the Asia bracket for a Taiwan team considered, until his dismissal, the favorite in the annual event. He had pitched Taiwan to sixteen consecutive world championships, a fact that admittedly had raised eyebrows with Little League fans around the world.

"It's a relief," Hsu admitted. "Playing with 12- and 13-year-olds is hard. They swing and miss, they cry. They win, they make fart jokes. Until we talked, they knew nothing about where babies come from. From now on, I will only play with people my own age."

Spokesman for Kennedy Family Says Chappaquidick References Are “Tasteless”

“Reminding people that the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy got drunk and abandoned a woman to drown, at a time of adulation and reverence not seen since the tragic passing of Lady Di, is tasteless,” Nelson Kefiddle, a spokesman for the Kennedy family, told a hastily assembled Hyannisport news conference.

“Letting younger generations know that the man they look up to as the conscience of the Senate and the champion of the underprivileged was married at the time he drove drunk and caused the death of an innocent young woman, who was not his wife, really is not the height of good taste,” Kefiddle told reporters.

“Bringing up the fact that a man honored today as a paragon of justice was never brought to justice for the death he caused, and did not even receive a DUI or even a traffic violation, because he was rich and powerful, whereas if you or I had committed the same crime, we would still be in state prison, getting our salads tossed by Bobo, is just inappropriate and regrettable,” Kefiddle added.

“I mean, singling out Ted Kennedy for remembering his act of absolute inhumanity, not to mention an affront to marriage, not just his but all of ours, at a time when other celebrities like Michael Jackson get a free pass, is totally unjustifiable,” Kefiddle told reporters. “After all, nobody died at Neverland.”

Afghans Celebrate "Free And Fair" Elections By Slaughtering Hundreds

The Afghani people today celebrated their "free and fair" elections by slaughtering hundreds of innocent men, women, children, and the elderly, according to Afghanistan government spokesman Salad Al-Din told a hastily assembled Kabul news conference.

"We kill because we care," al-Din said. "These are not just acts of violence but 'statement' killings, which shows how deeply we respect our balloting process. We kill old, defenseless people to remind us that all people, of any age, must live in dignity.

"We kill innocent children to symbolize the fact that children are the future and we want to have a better future than we have today," al-Din added. "And we kill women because they are the infidel."

Al-Din told reporters that if there is a runoff election between incumbent Hamid Karsai and his main challenger, the surprise write-in candidate Sarah Palin, "we will kill even more people, because in our nation, the bullet and the ballot are one."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Madoff Girlfriend Claims Her Hair Was Victim Of Ponzi Scheme

Sheryl Weinstein, self-described mistress of disgraced financier Bernie Madoff, today told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that her hair been the victim of a hairdressers' Ponzi scheme.

"They knew I had Bernie's money," Weinstein said, "and they just passed me from one hairdressing station to the next. Every haircutter in the salon wanted to give me a different look, because they knew I was an extravagant tipper. Before I knew it, I had been through a dozen different haircutters, and they each charged me a fortune. My hair looks like it was done by committee."

Weinstein told reporters that Madoff "must really have loved me, because with his money, he could have had any woman, and he stuck with me. I mean, look at me! That's love."

Weinstein said that she was selling her memoirs to pay for therapy sessions, due to her despondency over Madoff's incarceration.

"Where is a woman who looks me going to get another billionaire?" she lamented. "Again, I mean, look at me! And Bernie...he doesn't call and he doesn't write..."

Sarah Palin In Surprise Runoff For Presidency Of Afghanistan

Former Alaska Governor, Republican vice presidential candidate and swimsuit model Sarah Palin was reported to have received more than 40 percent of the vote in this week's Afghanistan presidential elections, thus forcing her into a runoff with incumbent President Karzai.

"It's an honor," a surprised Palin told a hastily assembled Wasilla, Alaska news conference. "I didn't even know I was running."

Reports have surfaced that Afghani voters were offered nylons and Hershey bars in exchange for writing in Palin's name on their ballots. A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied involvement.

Report: Alleged Model Killer Thought He Was Trying Out For New Fox Reality Show, "Hey, I'm A Murder-Suicide Committer!"

Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman Eric Fonderman today told a hastily assembled Vancouver, British Columbia news conference that alleged model killer Ryan Jenkins appeared to have acted on the mistaken belief that he was trying out for a new Fox reality TV show, "Hey! I'm A Murder Suicide Committer!"

"Evidence we have reviewed," Fonderman told reporters, "indicates that Mr. Jenkins believed he was being considered as a contestant for a TV reality show. Everything involving the alleged murder of his ex-wife, and his own suicide, points to that incorrect assumption."

Fonderman said that Mr. Jenkins had left more than a dozen phone and text messages for Fox executives, asking them whether his "body of work" was sufficient for his inclusion on the new show, scheduled to air starting in September.

"When it appeared that he wasn't going to make the show," Fonderman told reporters, "Mr. Jenkins appeared to take the news pretty hard. He really thought he had a chance to make the show. Reality TV can be a cruel mistress."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Budweiser Denies Endorsement Deal With Woman To Be Caned In Malaysia

A spokesman for Budweiser today denied that the brewery was seeking to craft an endorsement deal with the Malaysian woman to be caned next month for drinking beer in public.

“We are not looking to involve ourselves in what we consider an internal matter in that country,” Moe Blathington, a corporate spokesman, told a hastily assembled St. Louis, Missouri news conference. “We are certainly not looking to turn this into a commercial opportunity.”

Blathington denied a report that Budweiser had ordered its top executives to Malaysia to strike a million dollar endorsement deal with the woman in question, a 32-year-old nurse, mother, and part-time model.

He also denied a report that the brewery’s primary ad agency, the Chicago office of DDB Worldwide Communication Group, had already created a series of storyboards based on a series of ads intended to appeal to men 21-35 years of age and had been testing campaigns with focus groups.

According to published reports, the ad campaigns had these taglines:

Bottoms Up!

Budweiser…The Butt-Meister!

Whipping The Competition

Citizen Cane

Good To The Last Swat

Whip It! Whip It Good!

Blathington denied that the most successful ad tagline, the one that had the most success with focus groups, was This Butt’s For You!

“We’re a caring company,” Blathington said. “We would never seek to capitalize on someone else’s misfortune. Well, maybe just this once.”

Red Sox Seek Move To National League East

"It's not fair," Red Sox principal owner John Henry told a hastily assembled Boston news conference. "The teams in the American League East are too good. The National League is like Double-A ball compared to what we have to face. We want out."

Henry sought "compassionate leave" status from Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for the bloodied and brutalized Red Sox, who dropped a weekend series to the longtime rival New York Yankees.

"This isn't whining," Henry said. "It's a demonstration of absolute failure and frustration on our part. We can't compete, even with a Yankee team like this one, held together with spit and baling wire."

"We've done our part for baseball," Henry said. "A century of rivalry with the Yankees and the Orioles, and now the Rays and Blue Jays, too? Give us a break. We'd rather face off against the Mets and the other dregs of society over there in the National League Least."

Henry said that his team had "deliberately given up all those runs to the Yankees" in order to lull the New York team into a "state of complacency. We've got them just where we want them. It's just that we don't want to be here anymore."

Henry said that if Selig didn't let the Red Sox move into the National League "by the end of the regular season," he would "pick up his players and go home."

Friday, August 21, 2009

Struggling Red Sox Activate Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, Juan Marichal, Bob Feller, And The Late Cy Young

The struggling Boston Red Sox, barely keeping pace with the Texas Rangers in the race for the wild card in the American League, have activated 14 former league pitchers including Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, Bob Feller, and the late Cy Young in an effort to keep from falling into baseball oblivion.

"We're doing everything we can," Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein told a hastily assembled Boston news conference. "These guys are major leaguers and in some cases Hall of Famers. We're just looking for them to eat up some innings so we can get to Papelbon and have a chance."

Epstein said that "the fact that some of these guys are dead is an impediment, but not an impossibility. I mean, even dead guys can surely do better than Brad Penny and John Smoltz."

Jackson Family To Display Michael’s Body On 50-City Tour

“It’s all about giving the people what they want,” Ira Brackower, a spokesman for the Jackson family, today told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference. “The people have spoken. They want to see Michael, no matter what.”

Brackower held the news conference to inform the public as to the reason for the heretofore unexplained delay in Jackson’s burial. Jackson had been scheduled to be buried at Forest Lawn in September, but the event will be postponed until after the tour.

“People already bought their tickets,” Brackower told reporters. “They wanted to see Michael, they wanted to hear the songs, and they wanted to see the dancing. So the songs will be recorded, the dancing will be on a big video screen, and Michael will be, well, present.”

When reporters asked whether displaying Jackson’s body on a 50-city tour was “ghoulish and materialistic,” Brackower replied, “No more so than any of his albums since Thriller.”

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Pallin: Let's Offshore The Working Class, Starting With My Husband

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, kicking off an unofficial bid for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination, today recommended offshoring America's working class, starting with her husband Todd.

"The work has gone offshore, so let the working class follow," Palin told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills, California news conference. "And let my husband Todd lead the parade."

Palin, who recently bought herself a $5 million Beverly Hills estate, $1 million worth of jewels, and $3 million worth of Bowie knives, from the proceeds of the sale of the rights to her first book, denied that money has changed her attitudes toward working people.

"I never liked them," Palin admitted to reporters. "They're always so...busy. Working. Commuting. Complaining. I say that America is for Americans who can afford America. And if you can't afford to be here, go pick another country to live in."

Palin denied that she wanted to establish "worker panels" to determine which unemployed American workers had the lowest likelihood of finding a new job.

"That's a terrible rumor," she said, "although it would be a great thing if we could get our country down to, say, 200 million, which would cover the number of people in the United States who actually have jobs."

Palin also denied reports that her first action as President would be to issue an Executive Order sending her husband Todd to a fishing trawler fleet in Northern Siberia.

"Todd who?" Palin asked reporters, cupping a hand around her ear. "I don't know anyone named Todd. At least, I thought I knew him. Next question?"

Plaxico Seeks Lighter Sentence On Grounds He Wounded, Not Killed, Himself

“If I had killed myself,” former New York Giant Plaxico Burriss told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, “I believe I would be entitled to the two-year sentence I got. But since I didn’t, I shouldn’t be in prison so long.”

Burriss shot himself in the leg while visiting a Manhattan nightclub. Since his handgun was unregistered, he was in violation of New York State’s firearms laws. A judge today sentenced him to two years in prison.

“It wasn’t that big a deal,” Burriss told reporters. “People get shot in clubs every day of the week. If somebody gets killed, give them a long time in prison. If I had killed myself, put my a-- away for a long stretch. I get that. But I just wounded myself. I think I should just get probation.”

Burriss said that if he were given probation and shot and killed himself, he would “willingly turn myself in. It would be the least I could do, because if I kill myself, there’s no telling who I would kill next.”

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Disspirited Terrell Owens "Can't Buy A Headline"

Bills running back Terrell Owens was admitted to a Buffalo, New York hospital with "mild to severe depression over his inability to get any attention from the football world," team spokesman Ed Gurt told a hastily assembled Buffalo news conference.

"He's just feeling down," Gurt told reporters. "He's come out to the practice field naked, diverted a busload of Make-A-Wish kids to a nude dance club, where he had them shower the dancers with hundred dollar bills, and threatened the lives of seven world leaders. And he can't buy a headline, what with Favre and Vick getting all the ink."

Owens is used to a much higher level of attention, Gurt said, in cities with more volatile media outlets and fan bases.

"Here in Buffalo, we don't get too high and we don't get too low," Gurt said.

Owens was "doing better" on the unlocked unit, Gurt indicated, and has abandoned plans to go over Niagara Falls "in nothing but a jockstrap" and to demand that the other 10 men on the offensive unit "sit down on the turf" while he runs plays against other teams in single combat.

"Terrell will be fine," Gurt said. "At some point, Brett and Michael Vick will fade into the background and Terrell will get his regular share of attention on SportsCenter. Until then, well, Buffalo plus Terrell Owens equals the sound of crickets."

O.J. Simpson, Learning DNA Can Be Faked, Seeks Murder Retrial

"I'm convinced that new evidence will demonstrate that I didn't kill anybody," O.J. Simpson told a hastily assembled Ely State Prison, Ely, Nevada news conference. "They lied about my DNA. The truth will come out."

Simpson, apparently responding to a report that scientists in Israel revealed that DNA evidence could be fabricated, maintained his innocence in the killing of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

"I will be set free any day now," Simpson said. "As soon as I can get my lawyers on this, I will be released."

Simpson told reporters that his conviction was "wrong" and that he had been found guilty "due to DNA evidence that that white policeman made up about me."

Reporters reminded Mr. Simpson that he had actually been found not guilty in the criminal trial concerning the murders of Simpson and Goldman.

After a long, puzzled silence, Mr. Simpson asked reporters, "Then why am I in prison?"

Aging Favre Apologizes For Torturing Dogs; Says He "Doesn't Recall"

An aging Brett Favre today told a hastily assembled Minneapolis news conference that while he was glad to be back in the NFL, he had "no recollection" of torturing or harming dogs.

"I've been reading all the headlines," Favre, 57, told reporters, "and maybe I've taken too many hits on the football field, but I don't recall ever doing anything bad to dogs like I've been reading about."

Favre said he had a dog named "Poochie", a play on the football term "pooch kick," but "I never did anything to him worse than, you know, hit him on the snout with a newspaper when he peed on my wife's Persian rug. Otherwise, I would never do anything mean to an animal."

When a reporter pointed out that Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick was responsible for dog torture, not Favre, Favre whistled and sighed in relief.

"I get confused," Favre admitted. "But I'll say this. I couldn't be prouder than to be wearing the uniform of the San Diego Redskins. I mean the Pittsburgh Cowboys. I mean, um, the Vikings. That's it, the Vikings."

Friday, August 14, 2009

Aryan Nation, Klan, Mexican Mafia, 7 Porn Stars Endorse ObamaCare

President Obama's struggling health care bill received a series of unexpected--and perhaps not entirely welcome--shots in the arm when a variety of socially unacceptable entities gave the plan their full endorsement.

"We love ObamaCare," Don Bonger, Chairman of the National Alliance of Unacceptable Societies, Entities, and Associations, an alliance of racist groups, criminal gangs, and porn stars, told a hastily assembled Boise, Idaho news conference. "It's got something for all of us."

Bonger told reporters that many members of the various entities that make up NAUSEA "don't pay taxes, won't pay taxes, hate foreign doctors, or have nasty diseases" that ObamaCare would cover.

"We hate America," Bonger said. "We see this healthcare plan as a way to bankrupt the nation within five to ten years, while giving our members free treatment for everything from cooties to swine flu. Having this healthcare system in place almost makes up for the fact that the President is--well, everybody knows what he is."

Mel Gibson Blames Girlfriend's Pregnancy On The Jews

Movie star Mel Gibson today told a hastily assembled Malibu press conference that the real reason his girlfriend was pregnant was "because of the Jews."

Gibson told reporters that Oksana Grigorieva, 39, had become pregnant "not through my efforts but through some sort of divine intervention. I think the Jews had never really forgiven me for my outburst that time I got arrested. So when Oksana came along, it was payback time."

Gibson denied that he was anti-Semitic and said he had "great respect" for certain Jews, especially those who managed his investment portfolio and were handling his divorce.

Other Jews, however, Gibson pointed out, "have a history of, you know, causing pregnancy without, you know, sex. All I can say, if you read the Bible, is what happened to me isn't the first time."

Gibson and Grigorieva are not planning to marry at this time.

"There's a slim possibility that Oksana is Jewish," Gibson told reporters. "A lot of Russians are and either don't know it or won't admit it. So I'm still doing my research before I make any commitments."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Cheney's Memoirs Prove Bush's Stupidity "Because He Listened To Me"

Former Vice President Dick Cheney told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that his memoirs will prove former President Bush's "stupidity," because Bush listened to Cheney and "did everything I said."

"The President was an empty vessel that darker forces, including myself, manipulated with ease," Cheney told reporters. "My Svengali-like control was so complete I could have had him invading Florida if I so desired."

Cheney said that Bush was "smart enough to smile at the right camera, but otherwise, very easily led. He knew he was in over his head when we got him elected President. So he relied on his father's advisors. He was in awe of us, so we got to do anything we wanted. I could have had my way with Laura, had I so chose."

Cheney denied reports that he had actually told the President to invade Iran and not Iraq. "The guy isn't a great speller," the former Vice President said. "But I would never have let him invade a country where Halliburton couldn't have played a major role in reconstruction."

Cheney said that had the war in Iraq gone better, he would have had the President invade Nigeria "on some flimsy pretext or other," to destroy that country's infrastructure to create more contracts for Halliburton.

"I felt like a cross between Svengali and that Jedi mind control thing on Star Wars," Cheney admitted. "It was the happiest time of my life."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Pitino Leaves Tennesseans Puzzled As He Was Not Related To Girl

University of Louisville spokesman Harley Backhammer today told a hastily assembled Louisville, Kentucky news conference that the University had no problem with the fact men's basketball coach Rick Pitino had enjoyed a sexual encounter with a young woman not his wife in an Italian restaurant six years earlier.

"The only thing we're hearing from the alumni," Backhammer said, "was confusion over the fact that Coach was not related to the girl. I guess Northeners have different standards. As long as he keeps winning, though, he can sleep with anyone, whether it's a relative or not."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Alzheimer's Researcher Misplaces Alzheimer's Study, Glasses, Lunch

A hastily assembled news conference at the National Institute of Health in Bethesda, Maryland was delayed for almost 90 minutes when the lead Alzheimer's researcher, Dr. Quentin R. Bernstein, admitted he had misplaced the results of the study he was to announce, along with his bifocals and his lunch.

Dr. Bernstein told repeatedly reporters that "it had to be somewhere," and that as soon as he found the results of the landmark longitudinal Alzheimer's study, he would share the information with the assembled media members.

Compounding the situation was the fact that Dr. Bernstein could not locate his bifocals, which made it much harder for him to locate the missing study.

Another missing item was Dr. Bernstein's lunch, which he thought he had put in the refrigerator but turned out to have been left in his car, along with his car keys, cell phone, and wallet.

The missing lunch eventually provided the key to the missing study results, which Dr. Bernstein, reporters learned, had placed in the office refrigerator, along with his tickets to tonight's Washington Nationals baseball game.

When the news conference finally began, Dr. Bernstein, who had to be reminded several times why so many people were looking at him, repeated the news at least six times that Alzheimer's probably led to a loss of memory, according to the results of the new study,

Paula Abdul Leaves "Idol", Citing Desire To "Return to Obscurity"

"I've been famous long enough," Paula Abdul today told a hastily assembled West Hollywood news conference. "It's time to let someone else have a turn."

Abdul, 47, or maybe 50, told reporters that "I was tired of seeing people making fools of themselves. I'm not talking about the performers--I'm talking about the audience and the rest of the cast."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Obama Announces "Cash For Cash" Program

Building on the success of the "Cash For Clunkers" program, President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that he was initiating a "Cash For Cash" program to help "cash-strapped Americans."

The President told reporters that Americans could bring one dollar in torn up bills to any Federal Reserve office and receive $4.50 in exchange.

"We believe that allowing Americans to trade in crumpled, old money for $4.50 in freshly printed bills and shiny new quarters will stimulate the economy," Obama said.

"Turns out we've got these big ol' printing presses over at the Treasury Building," the President told reporters. "And we're not printing half as many bills as we could be. So it creates additional employment for government workers, since they're working overtime printing new money, and the money stimulates the people who get into the 'Cash For Cash' program to spend or save more."

Asked how the President could make up the difference between the $1 the Federal Reserve was taking in and the $4.50 it was paying out, Obama replied, "In one word--volume."

Bush Memoirs Reveal Iraq Invasion Meant "To Impress Brooklyn Decker"

An unnamed Random House editor today revealed to a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that the memoirs of former President George W. Bush reveal that the Iraq invasion was meant "to impress Brooklyn Decker."

The editor told reporters that Bush's "infatuation" with the then-teenage model began when he saw a photo of her in Teen People.

"He wanted to do something to get her attention," the editor said, promising that more details would be forthcoming in the former President's memoirs.

"He considered offering her a tour of the Oval Office and the Lincoln Bedroom," the editor told reporters, "but her parents turned it down. So instead we invaded Iraq."

A spokesperson for Decker, now a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model and the girlfriend of tennis star Andy Roddick, said that Decker was "touched" by the former President's gesture but that "a simple call from the White House would have been sufficient."

The President's memoirs, which are expected to run at least 9 pages, are due next fall.

Politicians Vow Not To Be More Corrupt In Cities Losing Their Newspapers

The head of a national alliance of fairly corrupt politicians told a hastily assembled Passaic, New Jersey news conference that corruption would not increase markedly in cities that were losing their daily newspapers due to changes in the media industry.

"The temptation would be great," Angelo O'Reilly, Chair of the National Alliance of Fairly Corrupt Politicians, told reporters. "I mean, without you guys watching us, why not steal everything that isn't nailed down? But that would be wrong."

O'Reilly said that additional corruption is "inevitable" as local daily newspapers fade away.

"I mean, who's gonna report on us?" O'Reilly asked. "Craigslist?"

Even though temptation would exist to act in increasingly greedy, selfish and illegal ways, "We have to remember that there are still wire services and local TV news," O'Reilly said. "So we have to keep our increased levels of corruption from going through the ceiling."

O'Reilly pointed out that not every politician was corrupt, and that his organization existed in order to remind Americans that "a little greed was okay once in a while."

"We'll miss newspaper reporters," O'Reilly said. "Well, maybe for about a month or two. And then after that, we'll be able to steal anything we want with near-total impunity. As for myself, I can hardly wait."

Military Seeks Used Cell Phones To Drop On Enemy

"We want your old phones," Air Force General Patrick Kirkpatrick today told a hastily assembled Pentagon news conference. "Also your old toner cartridgers, laptops, and any other heavy metal objects you don't need anymore, like toasters or TVs."

General Kirkpatrick told reporters that such objects had been donated in the past to be given to men and women in uniform, "but it turns out that the objects make really great projectiles when dropped on the enemy from a great height."

The General told reporters that the discovery of weaponized former PDAs, cell phones, and other household items and appliances was made when a staff sergeant accidentally left his iPhone on an unmanned drone shortly before takeoff in Northeastern Pakistan.

"The iPhone scored a direct hit on a militant," General Kirkpatrick told reporters. "Took him out in nothing flat. So we thought, let's drop all kinds of undesired technological gear from jets. It's cheaper than real ordnance, and surprisingly effective."

General Kirkpatrick said that citizens could leave unwanted metal objects at any military base or post office across the United States.

"No religious fervor is a match for a well-aimed if technologically outdated Blackberry," Kirkpatrick told reporters. "As Ralph Kramden would have said, 'Pow, Alice! Right in the kisser!'"