Monday, September 29, 2008

Palin Denies Plans For Wardrobe Malfunction During Debate

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today denied that she intended to have a “wardrobe malfunction” take place during Thursday night’s scheduled debate with Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden.

“I don’t know where these ideas come from,” Palin told a hastily assembled Akron, Ohio news conference. “The idea that I would stoop to revealing my décolleté in order to attract attention is preposterous.”

Palin acknowledged that she had been having “trouble” with “some of the tough questions” that newscasters including Katie Couric had given her, but the Alaska Governor told reporters “In my heart, I know that John McCain chose me for reasons other than my trim figure, awesome legs, and tantalizingly attractive breasts.”

Palin was referring to a story sweeping the blogosphere that she intended to take the focus off her admittedly scanty knowledge of domestic or foreign policy by “accidentally on purpose” having her top come undone while Senator Biden attempted to answer a question about the bailout of the banking system.

“It’s just wishful thinking,” Palin told reporters. “But this is just a distraction from the choice the American people have to make. Do they want more of the same tired, old politics that Biden and Obama are peddling, or do they want some of this? Oops! Let me get these back into my shirt here. Okay, next question?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Senators Delay Vote On Bailout Until Banks Give Them Permission To Vote

The U.S. Senate has postponed its vote on the $700 billion bank bailout bill until Wednesday, by which time the banks, who are among the Senate's primary donors, will have read the bill and told them which way to vote.

"We can't vote on the bailout until our donors has given us their comments," New York Senator Charles Schumer told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "It would be un-American."

Schumer, like many other members of the Senate, receives millions of dollars each year in contributions from the banking industry and feels what he calls a "special responsiblity" to ensure that the bill "is exactly what our donors would like."

Schumer told reporters that in America, "you get all the democracy you can afford, and the banks, which have spread money like water around the Senate for decades, can afford a whole lot."

When reporters asked Schumer if he thought it was fair that the same people who caused the crisis were receiving government aid in the form of the massive bailout, he replied, "We just have to give them another chance. Everybody makes mistakes."

Schumer told reporters that "as soon as homeowners start giving us even a small fraction of the amount of money we receive from banks, then we'll start giving them due consideration as well."

Schumer said that bailing out homeowners who had been sold irresponsible loans "would only enable them, and they would just end up wasting the money we give them on food, clothing, and shelter for their families. Bankers, on the other hand, take us on golf junkets and buy us condos. What has the average American done for the Senate lately?

"It makes a mockery of JFK's words about asking not what the government can do for you, but instead ask what you can do for the government."

Schumer said that "as soon as the bankers' lawyers sign off on the bill, we'll pass it. Of course, we like the lawyers a whole lot, too, and if they ever need a bailout for any reason, all they have to do is ask."

Google's New Phone Will Have Conversations Without You Even On The Phone

Google's new telephone, the T-Mobile HTC G1, is so technologically advanced that it will conduct phone conversations even without the owner being on the call, according to a Google spokesman.

"Our new advanced voice recognition technology," Google spokesperson Fred Tratner told a hastily assembled Mountain View, California news conference, "means that you'll be able to do even more, because the phone is so smart that it doesn't need you."

The Google Phone, Tratner said, will review your previous conversations with your most frequently called numbers, along with your Internet search data, spending habits, and information about your credit rating, personal possessions, and sex life, and make calls, sounding just like you, to other people.

"What's new about our phone," Tratner told reporters, "is that it makes the owner really unnecessary. The biggest holdup in technology, quite frankly, is the end-user. With our new phone, after you've programmed it, you aren't needed. It'll call your friends, arrange dates, pick out movies for you, apply for jobs, and for those who need the feature, attend 12 Step meetings on your behalf. All you have to do is pay the bill."

Tratner said that the unique feature that sets the Google Phone apart is that "even if the owner of the phone dies, the Google Phone can keep on living for you, forever. Surviving the death of the phone's owner--now, that's what Google calls the ultimate killer app."

Obama: If Elected, I'll Return All Houses To 2005 Values

Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled Prairie View, Texas news conference that if elected he would "return all houses to their 2005 prices as a way of shoring up the economy and solving the banking crisis."

Obama said that "Americans are relying on their house values for their retirement, their children's educations, and their general sense of confidence about the future. If elected, I'll create a government fund to make up the difference on the price of all houses sold between what the seller gets and what the house was worth in 2005."

Simply knowing that their houses haven't declined in value, Obama told reporters, would give the housing market "a needed jumpstart" because "housing drives the economy, and this would bail out homeowners whose homes have dropped in value since the banking crisis began."

Obama said he was calling the bailout "No Homeowner Left Behind."

Asked how the government would finance this bailout of homeowners, Obama said, "We'll take the money from the same place we were going to take money in order to bail out the banks, wherever that place is."

Obama said that as an act of patriotism, he would be the first to seek assistance under this new government program, by first taking out a new line of credit on his home, based on its 2005 value, and then by selling it at a loss but having the government make up the difference.

"We're hoping to move to Washington," Obama confided to reporters. "In January, before the housing market can come back. No Homeowner Left Behind, based on my experience as a community organizer, will save the economy billions of dollars. Yes, we can."

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Chinese Astronauts Reportedly Under Age

Space experts today questioned the ages of the astronauts aboard Chinese space mission Shenzhou 7, claiming that they may have been as young as 12 years old, and not 41 and 43, as the Chinese government claims.

"We think they're kids," Neil Austin, a NASA spokesman, told a hastily assembled Cape Canaveral, Florida news conference. "First, the one who did the spacewalk had training wheels on his spacesuit. Second, Chinese mission control is reading them bedtime stories every night, and they are apparently doing math homework during the afternoons. And third, when the takeoff didn't go precisely as planned because of some atmospheric debris, both of the astronauts burst into tears."

The ages of Chinese gymnasts had come into question during the Olympic Games this summer. "They're big on child labor in China," Austin told reporters. "Gymnasts, factory workers, and now, apparently, astronauts."

The Chinese government at first vigorously denied the fact that the astronauts were minors, but eventually admitted the truth.

"Children are lighter and thus require less fuel to blast into space," a Chinese government spokesman told the Dissociated Press. "They also don't require expensive training--these two think they're in a theme park ride."

The parents of the two children, China's first astronauts, were first notified of the spaceflight "about two hours after it took off," the Chinese government spokesman said. "Their parents were first told that the children, a brother and sister from Szechuan Province, had been selected to appear on a television show. After they were launched into space, we told them the truth."

The astronauts are expected to return to Earth sometime Tuesday, "or sooner," the Chinese government spokesman said, "if they don't behave and go to bed at bedtime. They may be in geocentric orbit 22,000 miles above the earth, but rules are rules."

Friday, September 26, 2008

McCain Announces Own Bailout Plan: “My Wife Will Buy All Houses”

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today announced his own bailout plan to rescue struggling financial institutions and homeowners alike.

“My wife will buy all your houses,” McCain told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. “She’s got a lot of money, and she doesn’t want people to suffer unnecessarily.”

McCain said that he objected to the Republican bailout plan proposed by Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke on the grounds that “You can’t trust a man with a beard. My father told me that years ago, and that advice has never proven wrong. Ho Chi Minh had a beard, and I didn’t see him bailing out any banking systems successfully.”

McCain added that his wife, whose name, he promised, would come to him at any moment, “owned a brewery, or a distillery, or a beer distributorship, or maybe a liquor store, but something that sells alcohol and absolutely coins money. She can afford to help the American homeowners and banks in need of assistance. How many could there be in all, anyway? A few hundred? She’s always wanted to get into real estate. You know, buy and flip.”

Reporters pointed out that millions of distressed properties and hundreds of billions of unsaleable commercial paper were at stake, not just a few hundred homes.

McCain rubbed his chin, thought for a moment, and said, “Well, I don’t know if she has that much money. She might. I’ll have to ask. Does anybody remember her cell phone number? It has a 2 in it. Next question?”

“Miffed” Pete Carroll Says OSU “Doesn’t Know Its Place”

“Of course I’m miffed,” a clearly miffed USC football head coach Pete Carroll told a hastily assembled Corvallis, Oregon news conference after last night’s stunning 27-21 upset of the #1 ranked Trojans at the hands of the unranked Oregon State University Beavers.

“The whole team is miffed,” Carroll said. “OSU clearly doesn’t know its place.”

Carroll pointed out that USC was the clear favorite to win the BCS Bowl Championship, and was widely touted as not just the best team he had ever coached but the best team in the nation by far.

“Oregon State,” Carroll said, “by contrast, is a third-rate program that barely deserves to carry our extra-large-sized jockstraps. They were supposed to lose—graciously and in a humiliating manner, as befits a program with no national reputation. And they didn’t do what they were supposed to do.”

Carroll pointed out that USC had a quarterback considered “the best in the nation,” an offensive line considered “the best in the nation, and “running backs stacked up one on top of each other like a large series of, um, burritos in a microwave oven at Taco Bell.

“We’re the school that has that great horse for a mascot, and the song where everybody sticks their two fingers in the air, in a salute that borders on the fascistic, singing, ‘Ta-duh, ta-duh!’ And Oregon State? I don’t think half their team can even spell the name of the city where the school is located.”

Carroll said that he understood “all of Southern California must be miffed in the light of the unsportsmanlike conduct by the Ducks, but truly no one is as miffed as I am. When it comes to miffedness, I truly believe I out-miff everyone in Trojan Nation, and that you’d have to go back to the 1930, when Howard Jones’s USC team finished second and didn’t go to the Rose Bowl, which they won three times in the four surrounding years.

“That was a record for miffed-ness that all Trojan fans understand will never be broken,” Carroll said. “But at least he was playing teams that had a right to be on the playing field along with SC, unlike the Ducks, who had no business being out there with us and upsetting all of our alumni’s New Years travel plans.”

Carroll vowed that as soon as he, quarterback Mark Sanchez, and the entire team could get over how miffed they felt, they would “Fight on. I just hope that when we play Oregon next week they don’t get any ideas about winning, or even beating the spread. Don’t people understand that we’re supposed to win?”

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Warren Buffett Offers To Buy Entire United States For $12.2 Trillion In Cash, Stock

Famed investor Warren Buffett today offered to buy the United States in its entirety from the federal government for $12.2 trillion in cash and Berkshire Hathaway Class B stock.

“This is probably the best way to solve the banking crisis, the real estate crisis, the crisis with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and a bunch of other crises, too,” Buffett told a hastily assembled Omaha, Nebraska news conference. “The American government needs a lot of cash, and cash is something I’ve got a lot of.”

Buffett pointed to his long term investments in See’s Candies, the Washington Post, and NetJets, a fractional jet ownership company, as evidence of his “buy and hold forever” strategy.

“My primary investment criterion is finding undervalued, perhaps poorly managed assets likely to perform well over the long haul,” Buffett told reporters. “The United States of America fits that to a tee.”

Buffett said that if his offer were accepted, he would institute “a sweeping review of management practices, as I would with any other investment I make. Congress, banking regulators, and the White House would probably be fired or sold off. I don’t think anyone thinks they’ve done a very good job.”

Buffett added that voting would now be limited to “Berkshire-Hathaway stockholders, at our annual meeting here in Omaha,” but that they were “likely to do a much better job of running the country than our elected officials have. I mean, I don’t see Charlie Munger and myself attacking Iraq or giving home loans to people without proof of income.”

The United States was “a fundamentally good country,” Buffett said, “but with lousy leadership and too many layers of bureaucracy. If I have the opportunity to buy the country, I’ll sell off Washington to the Disney people, and they can turn it into a theme park or something about democracy.

“We’ll have this country running great in no time flat,” Buffett said. “And besides, if the government doesn’t sell itself to me, it can always sell itself to China. That’s what it seems to be doing, anyway.”

At UN, Puzzled Karzai Turns Down “Gift” Of Sarah Palin

“I do not wish to question the generosity of the American people,” a confused-looking Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai told a hastily assembled United Nations news conference. “But we are respectfully declining the gift of the very lovely yet middle-aged woman your nation offered us today.”

Karzai, meeting with Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, apparently misunderstood the purpose of the conversation, believing Palin to be a “gift” from the American people to his nation.

“She is very pretty for a woman of her years,” Karzai told reporters, speaking through an interpreter. “But for breeding purposes, she is somewhat too advanced to be useful, and I understand she already has bred five children. And for purposes of pleasure, we would have expected a younger woman as a gift.”

Reporters pointed out to Karzai that Palin was not intended as a gift; she was meeting with him in order to bolster her foreign policy credentials for the upcoming Presidential election.

Karzai, erupting with laugher, told the reporters they were wrong.

“This is absurd,” Karzai said. “The nuances of a relationship with a country as complex as ours can hardly be absorbed in a meeting lasting 20 minutes. She was not there for political purposes. She was obviously there for me to examine as a gift, like a cow or an ox.”

Reporters reminded Karzai that “Americans do not give women as gifts, even to foreign leaders.”

“Perhaps this is why your standing in the world is so low,” Karzai said. “You have 300 million people in your nation. Surely you have a few women who could be donated to world leaders for diplomatic purposes. And surely they do not all resemble your Madelaine Albright.

“But to come back to the situation at hand, there are only two possibilities. One is that your Sarah Palin was intended as a gift, like a camel or a horse, out of respect for my position as President of Afghanistan.

“The other,” Karzai continued, “is that you took a sovereign leader of a sovereign nation and used him as a prop for a photo opportunity for the mindless circus that is your Presidential election.

“I think this would be even more insulting to me, and to my nation, than the fact that you offered us an aging woman as a present. I hope that this is not what your purpose was. Maybe Condoleeza Rice is still available?"

Obama Claims Community Organizing Experience Would Help Him Solve Banking Crisis

Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled St. Louis, Missouri news conference that his experience as a community organizer made him “uniquely qualified” to solve the nation’s banking crisis.

“My time organizing poor folks in the streets of Chicago, combined with my months of service in the U.S. Senate,” Obama told reporters, “shows me exactly what needs to be done to solve our banking crisis.”

Obama laid out a three-point plan for ending the crisis.

“First,” he began, “I’d get all the people affected by the crisis into one room to see what their concerns were. I know a lot of people were affected, so we’d probably need a big room.

“Second,” he continued, “I’d put all of their concerns on a yellow pad, and then I’d concentrate on their issues, along with a bunch of really smart people who have a background solving banking crisis issues, and come up with a plan.

“And finally,” he said, “I would enlist the support of the American people to rally around the plan and end the banking crisis. Together, we can solve the banking crisis.”

Meanwhile, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today told a hastily assembled Denver, Colorado news conference that his experience as a Vietnam war hostage made him “uniquely qualified” to solve the nation’s banking crisis.

“My time trapped in a small prison cell in Hanoi, combined with my years of service in the U.S. Senate,” McCain told reporters, “shows me exactly what needs to be done to solve our banking crisis.”

McCain laid out a three-point plan for ending the crisis.

“First,” he began, “I’d get all the people affected by the crisis into one room to see what their concerns were. I know a lot of people were affected, so we’d probably need a big room.

“Second,” he continued, “I’d put all of their concerns on a yellow pad, and then I’d concentrate on their issues, along with a bunch of really smart people who have a background solving banking crisis issues, and come up with a plan.

“And finally,” he said, “I would enlist the support of the American people to rally around the plan and end the banking crisis. Together, we can solve the banking crisis.”

At both news conferences, when pressed for details about the nature of the plan that would emerge from the three-step approach, each candidate offered a terse “No comment.”

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Steinbrenner Orders 2008 Yankees Demolished Along With Stadium

“This was a season to remember but to dismember,” Yankees general partner and general pain in the behind Hank Steinbrenner told a hastily assembled Bronx, New York news conference, as he ordered demolition experts to destroy Yankee Stadium “while the team was still trapped inside the clubhouse.”

Steinbrenner told reporters that he would miss “Jeter and Mussina, and Pettite, but the rest were barely worth the powder to blow to hell.” He indicated that by “accidentally” demolishing the team along with the Stadium, the insurance money would be sufficient to purchase “the entire starting roster of the Tampa Bay Rays.”

Asked about the morality of trapping a major league baseball team in a building about to be destroyed, Steinbrenner tartly replied, “What’s moral about the way they played this year? Look at it this way. They won’t have to spend the fall and winter thinking about what the New York Post said about them this season.”

Reporters asked Steinbrenner whether he would be able to “sleep nights” after being responsible for the demise of two dozen young men “in their prime.”

“First,” Steinbrenner retorted, “I have to dispute the concept ‘in their prime’ referring to the 2008 Yankees, who are each on average approximately 20 years older than the Tampa Bay Rays.

“And second, with the team playing as poorly as it did this season, it’s not like I slept a lot of nights anyway. It’s bizarre—I just keep thinking about how Joe Torre must have seen this coming.”

Steinbrenner indicated that he intended to trade for “all of the Rays right now,” so that any postseason victories they achieved could be credited to the Yankees.

“Let’s face it,” Steinbrenner said. “We had a great century. Goodbye, Yankee Stadium. Goodbye, A-Rod. And good night.”

Treasury Sec’y Blows Entire $7 Billion For Saving Economy On Drunken Weekend In Vegas

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson today emerged, sleepless and unshaven, from the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, and acknowledged to a hastily arranged news conference there that he had blown the entire $7 billion intended to ease the banking crisis on a drunken, debauched weekend at that hotel and casino.

“I was on my way to the bank with the check,” Paulson admitted, each arm around a leggy, barely dressed dancer barely more awake than the Treasury Secretary. “And then the thought hit me—I could go to Vegas, double the money, and save the economy in half the time.”

Paulson travelled from Washington to Las Vegas on a commercial flight, checked into the Bellagio using his own American Express card, and “deposited the check, drawn on the U.S. Treasury for $7 billion, into the ‘cage’ or cashier’s booth on the casino floor at the Bellagio.”

Casino hosts, alerted to the unusually high deposit, welcomed Secretary Paulson to the casino, moved him to a suite usually reserved for the Sultan of Brunei, and, according to Paulson, “plied me with drinks and hookers, and then hookers and more drinks.”

Paulson started cautiously at the craps table, where his holdings were up to $10 billion by 1 a.m. Saturday, but after a few hours in his suite with “at least a dozen, maybe more” young women, he returned, wild-eyed and unrestrainable, to the $1 million-a-hand private baccarat area, typically frequented by Asian industrialists and, until recently, Charles Barkley.

By early Sunday morning, Paulson was down close to $3 billion, at which point Bellagio officials, by now aware of the source of the money, sought to intercede with the Treasury Secretary and get him away from the casino floor.

They were unsuccessful.

“I should have quit when I was still at the craps table,” a rueful Paulson told reporters, still wearing the same business suit he had worn when he checked in two nights earlier. “But I just felt unstoppable. Like something out of a movie.”

By Sunday afternoon, the disconsolate Paulson had lost the entire $7 billion and was asked to leave the high roller suite he was occupying, since the Sultan of Brunei was due to arrive that evening. All but two of the prostitutes and strippers in his hastily arranged entourage decamped as well, having been “tipped” more than $2 million each.

“I want to apologize to the American people,” a somber Secretary Paulson told reporters, blinking rapidly in the bright Las Vegas afternoon sun. “What I did was wrong, and now Congress will have to find another $7 billion with which to bail out the banks.

“On the other hand, I’ve never had so much fun in my whole life. Want to be Treasury Secretary? Just make a million dollar contribution to the Republican Party. But to be a high roller for a weekend at the Bellagio? Priceless.”

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Nation’s Top Bankers Seek Retraining, Jobs, New Skills

More than 4,000 suddenly unemployed Wall Street bankers and traders were shuttled by fleets of stretch limousines to job fairs, unemployment offices, and retraining centers, hoping to find work, now that their careers in the financial markets are over.

“We have no skills,” Manny Johnson, a former broker for Shearson Lehman Merrill Goldman told a hastily assembled Stamford, Connecticut news conference. “We’d work for food, if only we knew how.”

The crisis on Wall Street, leading to the collapse of some of the top brokerage houses and investment banks, created a new class of unemployed and “admittedly unemployable” workers seeking jobs at a time when unemployment is already skyrocketing.

“We’re not the likeliest candidates to get jobs right now,” Johnson admitted. “We can’t do any real work, aside from look at computer screens and buy and sell, or repackage mortgages to each other.

“We can’t type, we can’t do construction, we can’t do landscaping or anything outside, and we can’t cook or clean,” Johnson said. “We’re used to ordering people around, earning millions every year, and playing a lot of golf. If anybody has a need for people with that skill set, we’re available.”

Johnson told reporters that “bankers were suddenly understanding the plight of the people our mergers and acquisitions, and offshoring jobs to Asia, had destroyed. Okay, now we get it. We’re sorry. Doesn’t anybody have a corner office with a great view of the Statue of Liberty that needs to be filled? Some of us would even work for, say, half a million a year, if the bonus structure were right.”

The bankers and brokers were “used to a certain amount of fluidity in our careers,” Johnson said. “I mean, every once in a while, some of us would move from one house to another. But you never had a situation like this, where a whole bunch of our employers collapsed at once.”

Johnson said that in the absence of a federal bailout not just of banks but of the bankers who “admittedly all but destroyed the banking system,” bankers would rely on “trickle-up economics,” in which the working poor would create job opportunities for the formerly incredibly wealthy.

“It’s getting to the point,” Johnson said, “that many of us are updating that old Depression song to ‘Buddy, can you spare a $10 million loan? We’ve got balloon payments coming due on our houses. Some of us may even have to leave our country clubs. Oh, the humanity.”

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Esterhaz Sues DNC, GOP – “Black Beats Woman, Loses To Woman Was My Idea”

Legendary Hollywood screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, who penned “Showgirls”, “Jagged Edge”, and “Basic Instinct” among many other major hits, today sued the Democratic National Committee and the Republican Party for plagiarism, on the grounds that the current Presidential campaign was identical to a screenplay he had written in 1996.

“It was my idea all the way,” the controversial screenwriter told a hastily assembled Pacific Palisades, California news conference. “A woman is nominated for President, a black man beats her, and then another woman comes out of nowhere and beats the black man.

“I came up with that back when Clinton was involved with Monica Lewinsky,” Eszterhas said. “The screenplay is called ‘Jagged Instinct,’ and it has a woman running for President after her husband leaves office to get a sex addiction treated. She runs a great campaign, only to lose the nomination to a black man.

“And then another woman, who it turns out is also having an affair with the President who resigned, because she’s a really hot governor, gets nominated by the other party, and she beats the black man.”

Eszterhas told reporters that all of the major studios had read the screenplay, which he had written on spec, and which had been registered at the Writers Guild, and they all had passed on it, because the story was too incredible for audiences to accept.

“There’s a lot of give and take between Hollywood and Washington,” Eszterhas said. “I mean, look at all the money we raised for Obama the other night. So somebody must have leaked my screenplay to some higher-ups in the political parties.

“I won’t have my work stolen. This campaign was my idea. So my message to the Republicans and Democrats alike is this: pay me, or I’ll see you in court.”

Funniest Blog Quietly Celebrates 200th Post

"We're quietly pleased," Funniest Blog author Michael Levin told a hastily assembled Irvine, California news conference. "The world is getting worse, which means that it's really getting funnier."

Levin said that the success of the blog, which now numbers its readership in the tens, was due to "the ridiculously irrelevant political campaign, the collapse of the banking system, the 1962 Mets-style war on terrorism, and the general funniness of the words "George W. Bush."

Levin told reporters that "I was afraid that once the conventions were over, there would be nothing to comment on in the blog. I underestimated the resiliency of our political and social elite to remain oblivious to reality. If they ever get real, I'm doomed.

"Fortunately, that's not likely to happen."

Dodgers Decline Postseason Berth; Torre: “We Are Not Worthy”

The Los Angeles Dodgers “have no business in the postseason,” manager Joe Torre today told a hastily assembled Chavez Ravine news conference, because “We are not worthy of advancing.”

Torre cited the Dodgers’ inconsistent play on the field, its overreliance on Boston castoffs, including the team’s owner, and poor record compared with other National League teams as reasons for declining postseason play.

“There are four other teams that have better records than we do,” Torre said. “They’re all in the Eastern and Central Divisions, which have many more quality teams than we have in the West. I honestly haven’t seen such bad baseball, night in and night out, since I managed the Mets almost 30 years ago.”

Torre said that his Dodgers should have “crushed their division,” given the “horrendous pitching, lack of financial commitment by ownership of Western Division teams, and just general suckiness of the competition.”

Even though the Dodgers played mediocre teams, “We still couldn’t put anything together,” Torre said. “Not even when we rented Manny for 10 weeks. Tell the truth—we were awful, essentially providing Double-A baseball for major league prices. So we’re going to take the high road and cede our playoff spot to a more deserving team.”

Torre said he could not recall a similar instance of a team declining the opportunity to play in the postseason.

“There’s always a first time for everything,” Torre said. “I’m hoping that we can bring integrity to major league sports. If you don’t deserve the accolade, don’t take it.”

Torre said that the decision was “strictly his own,” and that he intended to inform Dodgers owner Frank McCourt “as soon as I could get a few minutes on his schedule.

“I’m sure he’ll be on board,” Torre said. “If not, I’m sure Girardi’s job with the Yankees will be available within a few weeks, so I can go back to the Bronx.”

Biden: I Can Be Just As Big-Mouthed As McCain

"John McCain does not hold the copyright on saying pointless inane things, shooting from the hip, and embarrassing himself and his entire campaign," Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "I can be just as empty-headed as he can be. Maybe even emptier."

Biden challenged McCain to an unusual debate in which a Vice Presidential candidate would compete with a Presidential candidate in front of a live audience to see who could be more off-the-wall, irrelevant, and thoroughly absurd.

"Let the most pointless man win," Biden said.

Earlier, Biden told a Washington press conference that it was "patriotic" to pay taxes, which led to McCain retorting that Biden was claiming that poor people were 'un-American, because they don't pay as much in taxes as wealthy people."

This led to Biden telling audiences that McCain was "dumb as a post" because everybody knows rich people pay less in taxes "because they can hire accountants to reduce their tax bills, and poor people can't."

This led to McCain telling reporters that Biden was "a blockhead and a knucklehead all in one" because everybody knows that poor people don't need accountants because they don't file because they don't make enough income to file."

This led to Biden telling audiences that McCain was "a scoundrel and blackguard" because "everybody knows that even if you don't make a lot of money, they still take out taxes at your job, and if you're poor, you'll probably get a refund or a tax credit or something like that."

This led to McCain telling friends that Biden was "only opening his mouth to change feet" because "if the poor are going to inherit the earth, which the Bible tells us they will, they'll need accountants to handle the probate taxes when whoever owns the earth dies."

After the exchange of criticism, the two old friends had lunch, while the banking system nearly collapsed, mainly because everybody was saying things equally as dumb as the two of them.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Schwarzeneggar Transforms Self Into Giant Gavel-Like Superhero To Pass California Budget

California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar broke a Sacramento state budget deadlock by transforming himself into a giant gavel-like superhero called “Gavelman.”

Schwarzeneggar drew on his movie star persona in order to craft the new role of Gavelman, a giant gavel that slammed down on various California State Senators and Assembly people, maiming or killing them because they stood in the way of the passing of a state budget acceptable to the budget.

“Gavelman”, a 15-foot high gavel with superhuman powers, raced onto the Senate floor as Wagner-like music was piped through the sound system, terrified legislators with its gravelly voice, steely demeanor, and dramatic musculature.

Senators, assembly people, and legislative aids ran in horror from the chambers, as Gavelman went around yelling, in a thick Austrian accent, “Smash the Girly-men! Smash the Girly-men!”

In a scene reminiscent of Schwarzeneggar’s greatest movies like The Terminator, Conan the Barbarian, and a particularly violent outtake from Twins, Gavelman targeted for ultimate destruction 11 State Assemblypersons and 14 State Senators whose opposition to Schwarzeneggar’s budget concepts had been particularly intractable.

After the carnage ceased, Gavelman stood in the well of the Assembly chamber and shouted, echoing Schwarzeneggar’s classic line from The Running Man, “I’m not into politics, I’m into survival.”

Unfortunately for Schwarzeneggar, the number of injured and killed Assemblypeople and State Senators were so high that it was impossible for either house to create a quorum, thus dooming the Governor’s budget to oblivion.

Gavelman, disappointed, shrugged off his defeat, informing the stunned, surviving lawmakers, “I’ll be back.”

All U.S. Banks To Merge Into One New, Big Bank To Be Called “The Bank”

President George W. Bush today announced at a hastily assembled White House news conference that all U.S. banks would be merged into one single new bank, to be known as “The Bank.”

This solution to the American banking crisis, the President said, would place all personal savings accounts, business accounts, home loans, and business loans into one single entity, thus avoiding the possibility of individual banks failing or additional loan guarantees.

“We’re very pleased,” the President told reporters. “The Bank will be a good thing for America. You can trust the Bank.”

The new Bank will replace all other banks effective immediately. ATM machines at all Bank branches across the United States would require new Bank ATM cards, applications for which will be available by Monday at all Bank branches and online.

The President said that people should be able to have new ATM cards “within a month, because it will take a while to make them all. We will be using federal prisoners, except those imprisoned for identity theft, to assist, taking them off license plate duty for the time being.”

“Because we have to put up new signage and stuff,” the President said, “all banks across the United States will be closed for a few days so that they can all get painted and fixed up and stuff. So don’t even bother going to your local bank, until they get it with the new color scheme and stuff.”

The President said that Americans would have to reapply for new checks for all of their checking accounts, and that checks drawn on any bank other than The Bank would not be honored.

“We know this is a time of trial for all but the wealthiest Americans,” the President said, “and also those who are survivalists and have a lot of cash and weapons and ammo and canned goods.

“But within a couple of months, we should have this whole thing figured out. In the meantime, hug your children, go shopping but not with Visa or MasterCard or Amex, because those also have to be reissued by the new Bank, and maybe plant some vegetables and knit some sweaters. America, you’re gonna need ‘em.”

Three Americans With Initials “A.I.G.” Also Seek Federal Bailouts

Three Americans whose initials are A.I.G. told a hastily assembled Livonia, Michigan news conference that they, like insurance giant AIG, were in need of federal bailouts but needed far less than $85 billion in loan guarantees in order to avoid bankruptcy and foreclosure.

Alvin Irving Grossman, Arlene Iris Gluck, and Arnoldo Ignazio Guerrero, Livonia residents who have lost their jobs at General Motors in the past six months and are deeply in debt and behind on their mortgages, told reporters that they needed only a total of $85,000 in order to get current “and have a little left over, just in case.”

The three Livonia residents said that they “sympathized” with the plight of AIG, which received a $85 billion federal bailout.

“I have a home-based business,” Ms. Gluck, spokesperson for the group, told reporters. “So I understand how hard it can be to make ends meet. I use QuickBooks, which shows how you can have a lot of red ink even though you’re working really hard. So I understand that AIG is having a tough time in today’s economy.

“But our three families—we’re all neighbors, at least until we get foreclosed on—don’t need anything like that kind of money. I mean, we’re all about $25,000 or $30,000 each behind on our mortgages and credit cards. We’re speaking out because we’re hoping that the federal government can afford an extra $85,000 on top of the $85 billion that AIG needs.”

Reporters pointed out that the U.S. Treasury Department considered AIG, the insurance giant, “too big to fail” and therefore worthy of federal largesse.

“Individually,” Ms. Gluck said, “we’re none of us ‘too big to fail.’ We’re just little A.I.G.’s, not the big AIG. But we’re not the ones who destroyed the mortgage industry. All we did was take out mortgages on our houses. But if enough of us fail, there won’t be $85 billion left over for AIG.

“It just seems a little strange to us that the people who caused the crisis get bailed out,” Ms. Gluck concluded, “and the people who bought the houses and lost their jobs got left holding the bag. I’m sure the Bush Administration has a very good explanation, though, which is why we’ll all be voting for McCain.”

Monday, September 15, 2008

Mets Ready For September Collapse

"In sports, anything can happen once," New York Mets General Manager Omar Minaya told a hastily assembled Queens, New York press conference. "But until you do it over and over, it's a fluke. This September, we will show the fans that last September was no accident."

The Mets, Minaya told reporters, have been preparing for weeks to relax and finally lose their tenuous grip on first place in the National League East, a division marked by a combination of parity and mediocrity for the 17th straight year.

"We aren't quitters," Minaya explained. "We're losers. There's a difference. Quitters stop trying. Losers just...I don't know. Lose."

Last season, the Mets' historic collapse with less than a week to go in the regular season surprised even longtime baseball observers, who thought the team would go deep into the postseason. This year's team is looking to repeat history, never an easy thing to accomplish in major league sports.

"We could keep on winning," Minaya said, "but so what? In this town, 'Yankees Lose' is always a headline on the back page. 'Mets Win' is something you have to dig for. It's dispiriting."

Minaya promised to keep the team's losing ways intact both this season and into the future.

"With the roster we've got, and the Mets' tradition of miserable baseball punctuated by one-year dynasties, we expect to keep the late season collapses coming for a long, long time."

U.S. Banking System To Collapse Thursday, Bernanke Tells Congress, Signaling “End Of A Great Run” And Return To Barter Economy

The U.S. Banking system is scheduled to collapse Thursday at approximately 8:45 EDT, according to Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke, who told a hastily assembled Congressional hearing that the moment would represent “the end of a great run” and the return of the barter system.

“It was great while it lasted,” Bernanke told Congress. “But it’s the old story—pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered. And the banking system over the last decade or so has been a bunch of hogs at the trough.”

Bernanke urged all Americans to avoid the temptation to stampede ATM machines or bank branches “because U.S. currency is likely to have little value after Thursday morning. It’s not even especially decorative.”

Instead, he suggested that Americans stock up on food, water, fuel, wood, batteries, assault weapons and ammunition, and “for those living in the Northeast, sleeping bags and heavy sweaters.”

Bernanke said that with the collapse of the banking system and the plummeting value of the U.S. dollar, martial law would be in effect from “approximately 9 a.m. Thursday” to decrease the amount of “looting and pillaging that is anticipated.”

The Fed Chair also said that buildings formerly housing banks would be now transformed into “barter centers,” so that people could “grow their own vegetables and exchange them for children’s clothing and other necessary goods.”

Bernanke told Congress that only “essential government operations” would continue after the banking system shuts down, “but since there won’t be an economy, we won’t need a government.”

He said that he and the rest of the federal government wished all Americans, especially those hit hardest by Hurricane Ike and related storms, “good luck.”

New Cadillac Escalade Hybrid Combines Mediocre Mileage With Rampant, Over-The-Top Materialistic Excess

General Motors today announced its solution to its decade-long failure to embrace consumer demands for more fuel-efficient, eco-friendly vehicles with its new Cadillac Escalade Hybrid, which, according to G.M. corporate spokesman Dan Amadar, combines “admittedly mediocre mileage with rampant, over-the-top materialistic excess.”

Amadar told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference that new Escalade Hybrid, which was code-named the “Escalade Hubris” while in development stages, is GM’s response to changes in the marketplace.

“We studied consumers,” Amadar said, “and we saw that they wanted ultra-high-mileage vehicles that gave an image of concern for sustainability and eco-friendliness. So we completely ignored those wishes and instead came up with a vehicle that looks right for a rap video, gets fairly unacceptably low mileage by today’s standards, and costs a freaking fortune.”

Amadar said that GM hadn’t intentionally “turned a blind eye” to consumer expectations.

“We initially had a vehicle that resembled the Prius,” Amadar said. “It got 60 miles on the highway and 70 in the city, was sleek and small, and triggered responses like ‘shopping at Whole Foods’ or ‘something organic in your driveway.’

“But by the time we went through our usual 47 layers of design processes, our senior execs redesigned the car so that it would fit four golfers, all of their golf clubs, and up to three strippers and prostitutes. Exactly what the marketplace demands? Maybe not. In our comfort zone? You betcha.”

GM said that it would be offering its “we pay what you pay” employee pricing on the new vehicle, which has a base MSRP of $83,653 and comes “fully loaded” at the same price.

“Unfortunately, none of our employees can afford a car that expensive,” Amadar said. “So we’re hoping maybe they can team up to buy one and share it on different days. More bling, less ka-ching. Right?"

Sunday, September 14, 2008

O.J. Jury, Meeting Informally, Skips Trial, Proceeds Directly To Guilty Verdict

The 12 members and six alternates of the jury selected to decide the case of former football star and alleged double murderer O.J. Simpson met today at a Starbucks near the Las Vegas strip, voted unanimously to skip the trial, and found Mr. Simpson guilty of kidnapping and armed robbery.

Mr. Simpson was sentenced to life in prison.

The jury foreman, Ronald Butts, a sprinkler salesman from Red Rock, told a hastily assembled Las Vegas jury that there was “no need” for the trial, since all of the jurors and four out of six of the alternates considered Mr. Simpson “guilty as hell.”

Mr. Butts told reporters that they had read in newspaper accounts of the defense’s planned “Naked Gun” defense, in which Mr. Simpson, it would have been argued, believed he was rehearsing for a new sequel of the police comedy series in which he appeared with Leslie Neilson.

When Neilson failed to materialize on cue, defense attorneys would have argued, Mr. Simpson, a highly trained Method actor, began improvising lines about kidnapping and guns.

The plot of the new Naked Gun film involved a sting operation in which a police officer disguised as O.J. Simpson sought to retrieve Mr. Simpson’s sports memorabilia from a gang of sports memorabilia thieves.

“Bad acting is no crime,” defense attorneys would have told the jury.

“We weren’t buying it,” Mr. Butts said. “This is O.J., for Pete’s sake. He’s a real bad guy, not a movie actor. Most of us liked him better in the Hertz ads, when he flew through airports. But if he could fly, then why did he need to be at airports anyway? That was our first misgiving about him.”

Having skipped the trial, the jurors voted unanimously for a life sentence based on the concept that Mr. Simpson was “guilty of something,” ordered another round of lattes, thanked themselves for their service to the court, and returned to their regular jobs.

Before departing, Mr. Butts defended the jury's lack of diversity, specifically the absence of any African Americans despite their presence in the jury pool, on the grounds that "Hey, this is Vegas."

Friday, September 12, 2008

Transcript of ABC News Charles Gibson Interview Of Sarah Palin

GIBSON: Governor Palin, thank you for being here to talk about foreign policy.

GOV. PALIN (crossing and uncrossing her legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct): My pleasure, Charles.

GIBSON (sounding distracted): That’s very distracting.

GOV. PALIN: Oh, sorry.

GIBSON: Governor, people want to know that you have the capability of dealing with foreign policy issues while--

GOV. PALIN (into cellphone): You felt the baby kicking? That’s awesome, honey! Listen, I gotta call you back. I’m live on ABC. Watch me!

GIBSON: Governor Palin?

GOV. PALIN: Sorry, Charles. You were saying.

GIBSON: Yes, foreign policy issues. First of all, Afghanistan…

GOV. PALIN: Afghanistan. A-F-G-H-A-N-I-S-T-A-N. Afghanistan.

GIBSON: Um, that’s right. I was going to ask you…but our time is limited. Let’s turn to the subject of Iran’s nuclear capabilities.

GOV. PALIN: Nuclear. N-U-C-L-E-A-R. Nuclear.

GIBSON (taken aback slightly): That’s correct, Governor. I was going to ask you about the President of Iran--

GOV. PALIN: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. M-A-H-M-O-U-D A-H-M-A-D-I-N-E-J-A-D. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Hang on, Charles. It’s my husband….Yeah, sweetie…listen, I’m on the air…what’s that..a 42-pound sockeye salmon? Aren’t they out of season? Okay, I won’t tell anyone…oh, sweetie, I forgot, I’m being interviewed. Put on channel 7. Love you!

GIBSON: Governor Palin, if this is a bad time…

GOV. PALIN: Not at all, Charles. The American people need to know that a Vice President can multitask. Please go ahead.

GIBSON (unusually nonplussed): Let’s move on to North Korea and the issue of succession regarding Kim Jong-Il.

GOV. PALIN: Who’s she?

GIBSON: Who’s who?

GOV. PALIN: Kim someone. You just said her name.

GIBSON: Kim Jong-Il is the President of North Korea.

GOV. PALIN: I have a friend named Kim. She’s a librarian in Wasilla. Hey, Kim! Charles, can I shout out to my friend Kim? The American people want to know that a Vice President can still maintain her down-to-earth ties to the little people she’s leaving far, far behind.

GIBSON: I don’t see why not. But getting back to North Korea…

GOV. PALIN: I can’t do that. I’ve never been. North Korea’s in Asia. Look, Charles. North Korea has been our strategic partner and ally for sixty years. And I think they’d sell a lot more Kias in Alaska if they could go on snow and didn’t look so dinky.

GIBSON: That would be South Korea. They make Kias in South Korea.

GOV. PALIN: Well, if they’re making Kias in South Korea and North Korea, why can’t they just be one country? I mean, they make Saturns in South Carolina and North Carolina, and I don’t see those two states going to war. Not with each other.

GIBSON (obviously flustered): Governor Palin, North Korea is our enemy. South Korea is our ally.

GOV. PALIN: Why do we even need two Koreas, anyway? Aren’t they both the size of Delaware? Delaware. D-E-L-A-W-A-R-E. Delaware.

GIBSON: We’ll be back after this.

GOV. PALIN: Is it over?

GIBSON: It’s over.

GOV. PALIN (snippy): Look, Charles, I’m not going to pull a George Bush and walk off the set, but I’ve found your whole attitude a little less than admirable this whole time. You’ve been trying to trip me up since I sat down. Look. The American people couldn’t care less about foreign policy. They know I don’t know much about it, and they don’t care. If you’re so smart, let’s see you get nominated for something.


GOV. PALIN: See? No TelePrompter, nothing from your mouth. You know what the difference is between a TV reporter and a pit bull? Pancake makeup and a nice suit. See ya.


In Light Of Hurricane Ike, Houstonians Contemplate Futility Of Living In Houston

“This could be the end of Houston as we know it,” Houston mayor Bill White told a hastily assembled Houston news conference. “Not because of the wind and rain associated with Hurricane Ike, but because our residents are realizing the utter futility and purposelessness of living here.”

Houston residents, especially those in low-lying areas, have been following warnings to leave their homes in advance of the Category 5 hurricane, White said. “We’re glad they’re complying,” the Mayor told reporters. “We just don’t think they’re coming back. There’s no reason to live in Houston. Zero, nada, zilch.”

Mayor White pointed out that “the climate is terrible, between the heat and the humidity. We have no culture to speak of. The traffic is awful. There’s a ton of crime. Our cost of living is high. Our museums have a couple of paintings in them, but nobody cares. We might have a symphony orchestra, but then again, maybe we don’t.

"If you don't believe me," the Mayor said, "then just Google 'benefits living Houston.' You'll get exactly 12 hits."

Mayor White said he expected “zero sympathy” from the rest of the nation if a Katrina-like destruction takes down Houston as it did New Orleans.

“Look, everybody loves New Orleans,” Mayor White told reporters. “You’ve got Bourbon Street, Mardi Gras, booze, jazz, great food, and girls taking off their tops if you toss them some beads. Here, you toss beads at Houston women, and they’re likely to respond with deadly force.

“People have the perception that we’re just a bunch of nouveau riche rednecks with a ton of oil money,” Mayor White said. “That’s true, but only for a couple of dozen families. Everybody else’s motto is ‘Attention, Wal-Mart shoppers.’”

Hurricane Ike is expected to make landfall and hit Houston, America’s fourth-largest city, sometime today. “I understand people leaving,” Mayor White said. “Truthfully, I can’t reckon why they’d come back.”

Kanye West: I’m Not Just A Rapper, I’m An Airline

“You heard of America West?” Kanye West told a hastily assembled El Segundo, California news conference after his arrest following a fracas at a security line at nearby LAX. “Well, I’m Kanye West. I’m not just a rapper, I’m an airline. You can’t arrest an airline.”

West and his business manager allegedly attacked a paparazzo photographer and grabbed an $10,000 videocamera, throwing it to the ground and destroying it, prompting a melee that led to the highly regard rapper’s arrest.

“Airline personnel should not be subject to attacks by paparazzi,” West told reporters. “People don’t know this about me, but I am an airline. I have jets. I have flight attendants. I have gates at airports. I have TSA workers. I should not be subjected to this kind of treatment.”

When asked by reporters where Kanye West, the airline, flew, Kanye West, the rapper, responded, “We fly wherever we want to. We have schedules and everything. Our passengers expect the best. The same way I don’t expect to be hassled going through airports.

“In fact,” Kanye West, the rapper (not the airline) said, “this whole episode was a misunderstanding. We were testing security approaches for our airline with this whole thing, and it just got out of hand. It’s not a scuffle between police and a rap star. It’s a test run for security procedures for my new airline.”

West said that Kanye West will begin offering flights to the public “as soon as I get out of jail.”

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Bill Clinton, Saying He’ll Do “Whatever I’m Asked” For Obama Campaign; Is Asked To “Stay The Hell Away”

At a lunch meeting with former President Bill Clinton, who offered to do “whatever I’m asked” for the suddenly struggling Obama Presidential campaign, Barack Obama instructed Clinton to “stay the hell away” because “things are bad enough.”

“I’m in deep enough [trouble] as it is,” Obama told reporters at a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, after emerging from Clinton’s Harlem offices. “I’ve got Palin breathing life into an exhausted McCain. My fundraising’s down. My polling is down. The last thing I need is Bill Clinton calling attention to how great he is and how weak I am.”

Obama said that he had postponed meeting Clinton “for as long as humanly possible, because he’s everything I’m not—instinctively in sync with the American populace. If he’d been running against Hillary in the primaries this year, the thing would have been over by Super Tuesday last February.”

Obama stressed that he “personally admired” the former President, except for his “whole thing about him chasing fat chicks around the Oval Office, selling pardons to total tax felons, not killing bin Ladin when he had the chance, and selling out the entire manufacturing base of this country to China for forty pieces of silver. Otherwise, I love the guy.”

For his part, Clinton remained “pleased” with the meeting with the Presidential candidate. “Frankly,” Clinton told reporters, “if it weren’t for Obama, I’d be stuck in that goddamned White House for another eight years. Cheeseburgers up the wazoo, but they’d never let me be alone with an intern long enough for me to say, ‘Nice dress!’

“So I’m grateful to him for that,” Clinton added. “But man, I love to campaign. I even promised Barack I’d talk about him and not just me, but no dice. I’m glad I only had to run against George H.W. Bush and not Sarah Palin. Man, I feel Obama’s pain.”

Pakistanis, Hunting Militants, Accidentally Kill Insurgents

The Pakistani government today admitted that while seeking to identify, arrest, and kill insurgents headed for combat in Afghanistan, it accidentally killed more than 100 militants instead.

“We are deeply sorry for our tragic error,” Pakistani government spokesman Ali al-Faraj told reporters at a hastily assembled Peshawar news conference. “The militants we killed were disguised as insurgents. It is a mistake anyone could have made.”

Since the Afghanistan War took a new, more violent turn this summer, it has become harder for Pakistani freedom fighters to distinguish militants from insurgents “because they all dress alike and quite frankly they all need a shave.”

U.S. military commanders have experienced the same confusion, according to reports.

“One man’s militant is another man’s revolutionary guerrilla,” Lt. Col. David Nicolson told the Dissociated Press. “We’re proposing to the United Nations that people where different color robes or headbands or something, so everybody can recognize everyone else.”

Mr. Al-Faraj, the Pakistani spokesman, agreed with Lt. Col. Nicolson’s assessment. “We are seeking to kill the militants who threaten the fragile peace in the region,” al-Faraj told reporters. “But we find that the fanatics who support the insurgents are disguising many of the terrorists as partisans and members of the resistance.

“In addition,” al-Faraj lamented, “the revolutionaries have often kidnapped the fanatics, dressed them as insurgents, and ordered them to fight as guerrillas or members of the opposition. It’s gotten to the point that many of us have forgotten why we are fighting, or who we are fighting, or what the goal is.

“So our solution is just, let’s just kill everyone in sight and let George Bush sort them all out.”

Bin Ladin Visits Ground Zero, Thanks Bush For Iraq War, “Apparent Forgiveness”

Terrorist-turned-tourist Osama bin Ladin paid a surprise visit to Ground Zero in New York City today to mark the 7th anniversary of the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, thanking U.S. President Bush for “six wonderful years of war in Iraq” and his “apparent forgiveness” of the al-Qaeda terror network.

“I am very grateful to the President,” bin Ladin told a very hastily assembled lower Manhattan news conference, “for many things. First, his war in Iraq has been a blessing in disguise to Islam, because although we have lost many people, we could not have found a better way to drain American resources of almost a trillion dollars, not to mention the death of all those American servicepeople.

“Second,” bin Ladin continued, "it would appear that the President has forgiven al-Qaeda in general, and me in particular, for the September 11 attacks. How else can we explain the fact that the President has allowed me to live quietly in my well-marked cave along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, all this time, with my 20 wives and my respirator?”

Bin Ladin actually complained that he no longer commanded large audiences on network and cable news shows with his anti-Western videos and was “thinking of posting on YouTube instead. I call it Terrorism 2.0,” he told reporters. “It just shows the fickleness of the American people and the brevity of their attention span. I mean, what do you have to do to stay famous in this country? Get caught drunk driving? Go on Larry King? Hire a publicist?”

The former Saudi engineer told reporters that he was traveling on a “suspected terrorist” visa, which allowed him to bypass security lines at airports and not have to go through detention or searches, “out of your uniquely American instinct not to commit ethnic profiling,” he said.

Bin Ladin told reporters that while in New York he intended to take in a Broadway show, visit the Statue of Liberty and the New York Stock Exchange, take the Circle Line cruise around Manhattan, and attend a Yankee game.

“I understand they are destroying Yankee Stadium after the season,” bin Ladin said. “The company doing the job is charging the city a lot of money. I would have done it for nothing.”

Asked whether another major terror attack was in the offing, bin Ladin said no.

“We attacked your country only once,” he said. “When I watch CNN or Fox News, it looks like your media is attacking you with terrorism every day. And then there’s the banking crisis, housing crisis, and recession your greedy bankers brought on. From my perspective, another actual attack on your country would be superfluous.”

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sarah Palin Vows To Adopt All Republican Voters

In a surprise move, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today vowed to adopt all voters who pull the lever for the Republican ticket.

"You are all my kids," Palin announced at a hastily assembled Findlay, Ohio news conference. "And as any mother of a large family can tell you, you add another child, it's not overwhelming. OK, I'm admittedly preparing to adopt fifty million Americans. But we'll all help each other do chores, cook, clean, and keep our house tidy."

Republican donors were being tapped to provide funding for "a really big house with up to 30 million bedrooms," Palin told reporters. "We're going to be one big blended family, and I'll be the Mom, and my husband will be the Dad, who goes away to fish two weeks a month and we all have to pull together. And John McCain will be the grandpa who sits in the parlor with a blanket on his knees and does magic tricks, whenever he wakes up. It'll be great."

Palin said polling indicated that "Americans really respond to me most as a Mom--someone who shops at Wal-Mart, struggles to make ends meet. Okay, I'm the Governor, but otherwise I'm just like them. So I thought, as long as Americans see me as an idealized Mom, why not go with it?"

Palin said that there had never been a mass adoption like this in American history, "but there's so much about this election that's new and unique. George Bush has been kind of like the idiot brother figure, and Bill Clinton the older brother who gets a ton of girls. Reagan and Nixon were like father figures. In the eyes of the American people, I guess I'm the Mom."

Palin promised to help all her new adoptive offspring with their homework, Girl Scout cookie sales, job searches, marital counseling, spiritual quests, kissing booboos, and carpooling.

"People say, 'How can you do all that when you're going to be Vice President and you have your own kids?" Palin said. "Well, they don't ask that of male candidates. That's not fair."

Voters would need to provide video of themselves actually voting for the Republican ticket in exchange for permission to be adopted by the Palins.

"People say this election is primarily about the economy and the War," Palin said. "But I disagree. This country is about Mom and apple pie. Well, if you join my family, there'll be a hug and a nice warm slice with ice cream waiting for you as soon as you come home."

Report: Kim Jong-Il, Raiders' Al Davis Are Same Person

A top secret CIA report leaked to Congress last week reveals what many football fans and political observers have believed for years: that Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis and North Korean dictator are actually the same person.

"The report is pretty undeniable," House Security Committee chair Donald Alpherson (D-Left Coast) told reporters at a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "The men act the same way, think the same way, run their respective fiefdoms the same way, and have never been seen together at any point in their lives."

Kim Jong-Il's absence from an important North Korean military parade led to intense speculation that the mysterious dictator had suffered a near-fatal stroke.

"There wasn't any stroke," Alpherson told reporters. "Kim/Davis left North Korea to return to Oakland for the beginning of the new NFL season. It's the same thing year after year. Where's Kim? He's in Oakland, unless he's in Kansas City or Denver if the Raiders open on the road."

The CIA report pointed out a large number of similarities between the two men: a penchant for secrecy; an unwillingness to share power; a love of jazz music; and decades of failure to provide their countrymen (or fans, in "Davis's" case) with even the remotest possibility of success.

"They even dress alike," Alpherson said. "They both like monochromatic clothing. That's because they're both color-blind, according to the CIA."

The CIA report, which Alpherson shared with reporters but did not allow them to copy, compared dates of sightings of the two men over the past 20 years.

"You see one, but never the other at the same time," Alpherson said. "This was a real eye-opener for me. I never believed that Al Davis was moonlighting as a Communist dictator, but the more you think about it, the more in character the job is for him.

"And the other giveaway is the motto of North Korea, 'Chosŏn Minjujuŭi Inmin Konghwaguk.' It roughly translates as, 'Just win, baby.'"

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

O.J. Simpson, En Route To Trial, Pulled Over For Speeding, Double Murder

A Nevada State Trooper yesterday pulled football, broadcasting, acting and homicide legend O.J. Simpson over for speeding 22 miles over the posted limit and double murder.

“Our Trooper clocked Mr. Simpson’s vehicle, which was weaving across lanes, at 87 miles per hour on the Interstate,” Robert Frank, a spokesman for the Nevada State Police told reporters at a hastily arranged Las Vegas news conference.

“He asked Mr. Simpson to step out of the vehicle, perform a field sobriety test and a breathalyzer, provide DNA samples, and give an account of his whereabouts on the night of June 12, 1994.”

The trooper determined that while Mr. Simpson, who was headed to a criminal trial in Las Vegas, was not legally intoxicated but “did issue a warning to Mr. Simpson,” Mr. Frank explained, “with regard both to his drinking and driving on the one hand and the double homicide on the other.”

Mr. Frank told reporters that Nevada State Police policy is to arrest any driver who “appears to be under the influence of alcohol or other mind-altering substances, who is driving at an extremely high rate above the speed limit or otherwise is determined by the officer to be a danger to other motorists, or who cannot substantiate an alibi in the case of double homicide, even if committed out of state.”

The trooper who stopped Mr. Simpson’s vehicle was satisfied with the results of “both the field sobriety test and Mr. Simpson’s account of his whereabouts on the night of June 12, 1994,” Mr. Frank said. “The officer respectfully suggested that he not consume any more alcohol prior to his arrival at his destination, that he keep his speed down, and that he refrain from committing any other acts of double homicide while in the State of Nevada.”

Monday, September 8, 2008

Republican Bailout Plan For Homeowners Only Bails Out Republican Homeowners

“We’ve parsed the data as carefully as we can,” George W. Bush told a hastily assembled Lincoln, Nebraska news conference. “And we’ve determined that it’s far more important to offer homeowner bailouts to Republicans than to Democratics. I mean Democrats. So what you’ve heard about our program is true.”

In addition to the bailouts of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, the White House also announced plans to offer individual bailouts to homeowners throughout the United States who face foreclosure due to the nature of their mortgage obligations. Using a complex computer algorithm, the plan will only benefit homeowners who are registered Republicans and are most likely to vote in November’s election.

“Republicans actually contribute to society,” President Bush said. “They have jobs, they create jobs, and they don’t send their money in the form of remittances to other countries. They’re 100% red-blooded, red state Americans, and they deserve our help most.”

The President is in the middle of a 50-state, five month swing because he lost his White House ID card while at the Beijing Olympics and it takes at least that long for the General Accounting Office to issue a replacement card; by then, he will be out of office anyway.

When asked about whether there was a political motiviation behind the decision to bailout only Republican mortgage holders, the President demurred.

“We’d like to help everyone if we could,” he said. “But we had our, you know, computer people figure out who would benefit society the most if we gave them a helping hand. And wouldn’t you know it. It’s the Republicans.

“We’re not saying Democrats never contribute anything to society,” the President said.
“But they most often have the kind of jobs that take instead of give—you know, teachers, blue collar workers, U.S. Senators. We promise we’ll get to them next.”

The President emphasized that “fundamental fairness, not partisan politics,” dictated his choices. “We want an America where everyone, rich and poor, black and white, male and female, can enjoy the benefits, security, and peace of mind that home ownership brings. But if we can’t do that for everybody, let’s start with wealthy white Republican-leaning people first, and as time goes on, we’ll go from there.”

Eckhart Tolle Renounces Spirituality; Embraces Madonna, Paris Hilton

“I was wrong, but I am no longer attached to my erroneous thinking,” spirituality author Eckhart Tolle today told a hastily arranged Beverly Hills news conference. “The now is not where it’s at. Now is so…last week.”

Tolle, flanked by Madonna and Paris Hilton, came to Beverly Hills to launch his newest book, “Later! The Power Of Being Rich And Powerful.” Abandoning his traditional homespun sweaters, the Oprah-approved avatar of Buddhism-for-the-masses wore a tasteful Armani ensemble and $1100 bespoke handmade shoes.

“When I spent two years sitting on a park bench,” Tolle told reporters, “I thought I was happy. I was wrong. So wrong. Happiness doesn’t make you happy. At least not compared with netting $6 million a year from books, speaking, and my new line of Eckhart Tolle kitchenware, available through the Food Channel and QVC.”

Tolle’s new book “Later!” extols the value of shallow relationships, immediate gratification, conspicuous consumption, and a wasteful, unsustainable lifestyle.

“I thought I could be happy without large sums of money, access to celebrities and supermodels, and my own TV game show,” Tolle said. “I was wrong. You really are happier in a $1200 a night hotel room than sitting and meditating in a park. But I couldn’t have had this breakthrough if I hadn’t gone through all that poverty and denial of my basic human needs first.”

When asked whether the message of his new book, “Later!”, conflicted with the message of spirituality that had brought him fame, success, and riches, Tolle emphatically agreed.

“I’ve been rich and I’ve been spiritual,” Tolle said. “And rich is better.”

Friday, September 5, 2008

McCain, Sensing Palin-Mania, Promises, If Elected, To Die In Office

“I understand that it’s not about me,” Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today told a hastily assembled Milwaukee, Wisconsin news conference. “It’s all about Sarah. The people want her, and I’ll fight to see that the people get what they want.”

Sen. McCain made a campaign pledge to reporters that “If elected, I will die in office, most likely of natural causes, because our polling indicates that in the wake of the Convention, people are only voting for me because they want Sarah in the White House.

“So I’ll do my part and make that happen for America.”

The Senator did not provide specifics about how he would engineer his own demise, but he did offer some tantalizing clues.

“I’m not a young man, that’s first of all,” McCain said. “So you can just let nature take its course. But if my health continues to be strong, I can always take long walks without Secret Service protection at night through downtown Washington while wearing a Rolex or maybe several Rolexes.

"By the time of the Inauguration, I will stop flossing, eating bran, and using sunscreen," McCain added. "I will also quit doing Sudoko to keep my mind sharp, and I will spend up to four hours a day staring listlessly out the window of the Oval Office, ignoring visitors and aides in an effort to depress myself and cut myself off from reality and from the American people.

“If all else fails, I can take up high-risk hobbies,” Sen. McCain continued, “like bungie jumping, cliff diving in Acapulco, or cleaning out Taliban machine gun nests in western Afghanistan. As President, I’ll do whatever it takes. This is the least the American public deserves.”

Search Party “Deeply Concerned”; Still No Sign Of Obama

A search party sent out shortly after Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s landmark acceptance speech has failed to find any trace of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, according to reports.

“We’re deeply concerned,” said Democratic National Committee spokesperson Charlotte Brand. “He’s got to be somewhere. But it’s a big country, and since Palin’s speech, no one has seen even him once.”

Brand noted that in the wake of Obama’s acceptance speech in front of 85,000 wildly cheering Democrats at the Convention in Denver last week, the Illinois Senator seemed to be “everywhere. You couldn’t turn on a TV without seeing his face, his family, or commentators speculating on how Obama-mania has swept the nation. But since Palin spoke, the guy just vanished into thin air.”

The DNC will be placing Obama’s face on milk cartons as well as those blue-and-white postcards showing kidnapped children, Brand said.

“We’ll also be broadcasting his picture on the news,” Brand said, “to remind people of what he looked like the last time he had any media attention. That is, if we can even get a TV network to spare a few minutes from coverage of Sarah Palin and her family.

“It’s really bizarre,” Brand told reporters. “I mean, a guy goes from being the story of the century to a story that just feels so last-century. We just hope that wherever Obama is, he’s being well treated and that he’s comfortable. Where he went, though, is just a mystery to us.”

Reporters pointed out that Obama had been seen interviewed by Bill O’Reilly on Thursday night, after the acceptance speech of Sarah Palin’s running mate, an elderly white male with thinning hair.

“That interview could have taken place any time in the last two months,” Brand said. “It was probably no more ‘Live’ than the women’s gymnastics finals in the Beijing Olympics. If only he had been holding up a newspaper so we knew what day he had last been contacted by the media.”

Anyone who has knowledge of Obama’s whereabouts, or who has seen or heard from him in the past 72 hours, is urged to contact the proper authorities, or if they are unavailable, Geraldo Rivera.

Survey: 87% Of American Males Wish Sarah Palin Would “Whip Off Her Glasses and Swish Her Hair Down Just Once”

A CNN/Men’s Health/FHM/Utne Reader survey today indicated that 87% of American males age 17 to 83 wish that Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin would whip off her glasses and swish her down just once, according to published reports.

“Palin looks like the librarian or schoolmarm who knows a really naughty secret,” survey spokesman Mark Kemalman told a hastily assembled Milwaukee, Wisconsin news conference. “She taps not just into the political zeitgeist but into the desire that almost nine out of 10 men have, which is that a woman who seemed moderately attractive would turn out to be unbelievably attractive and suddenly demonstrate burning sexuality and shocking passion.

“She is the archetypal woman in the beer ad,” Kemalman told reporters, “but with an unapproachable nature that says ‘I know how much you want me, but you’ll never get me, because I am married, religious, and live thousands of miles from you in a cold, dark climate.’ That’s an intense turn-on for 68% of the men we surveyed.”

An additional survey question indicated that Governor Palin’s husband, a commercial fisherman, is “10 or 20 times smarter than Albert Einstein, Galileo, and Karl Rove put together” in the eyes of 91% of American males age 19 to 57.

“The men we surveyed suggested that he had the perfect the life—an incredibly smoking hot wife with a job, allowing him plenty of time to go fishing and stuff,” Kemalman said. “The only shortcoming is the Alaska thing, because you don’t have a lot of nice weather. But 94% of the men we surveyed agreed that if they were married to Sarah Palin, the longer it stayed dark outside, the happier they would be.”

In related news, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that she would be putting her entire wardrobe of pantsuits on eBay, including the bright orange one she wore at the Democratic National Convention, and that she would be getting herself fitted for eyeglasses over the weekend, even though her vision is still 20-20.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Palin Allows McCain To Stay Up Past Bedtime To Attend Own Speech

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today allowed Republican Presidential candidate John McCain to stay up past his normal bedtime and attend his own acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota.

"He took a nap," Palin told reporters at a hastily arranged news conference. "And he promised he would give his speech, wave and smile and stuff, and then go right back to his hotel room and go to bed."

Palin and other Republican leaders have expressed "concern" that McCain might not get enough sleep during the campaign and might begin to "express himself freely," a situation that most Republican leaders find more terrifying than unbalanced budgets.

"The less he sleeps," Palin admitted, "the more he talks, and the more he talks, the less we sleep."

Originally, Palin said, the Republicans had intended to use for the acceptance speech an animatronic version of McCain built by Disney. But the brain of the animatronic version, similar to the Abraham Lincoln talking robot on display until recently at Disneyland, was built too similarly to McCain's brain and tended to spout off, go off target, and otherwise create havoc for his handlers.

"He promised he would eat all his vegetables," Palin said, "and we figured that if he got enough healthy carbs, he'd be all right. He started to nod off a few times during his own speech, but people thought he was just nodding in agreement with the audience.

"This is the last evening speech he'll give in the campaign, and you'll see us at restaurants getting the early bird special. Because that's as late as he can stay up."

McCain: "I Will Build A Bridge Back To 20th Century"

Declaring that "The past was good enough for our parents and grandparents, and it ought to be good enough for us," Republican Presidential candidate told a hastily reassembled Republican National Convention audience.

"If elected, I will build a bridge back to the 20th century," McCain said. "Or we may not even stop there, and build a bridge, or maybe a tunnel, to the 19th century. We're going back, back, back, until I can remember where my cufflinks are and the government only had 27 employees."

McCain tried to differentiate himself from President George W. Bush by declaring that "The 21st century, under President Bush's leadership, has been a bust. It's time to go back, America, time to go home."

The Republican candidate suggested in his speech that the America of past centuries was really better than the current one.

"You didn't have email and the Internet," McCain admitted, "but I don't know how to work those things anyway. And neither do older Americans, except for those who get photos of their grandchildren over the Internet. Can anyone remind me of what I was talking about?"

McCain said that a "bridge to the 20th century" would enable Americans to "mail letters for three cents instead of whatever stamps cost now, buy gas for their cars for 29 cents a gallon and have a guy in a jumpsuit and bowtie wash your windshield, and buy a gallon of milk for a quarter, instead of whatever it costs now.

"Yes, we would have to turn back the clock on women's rights, civil rights, and other group rights, but as I recall the 20th century, I only remember a lot of white guys. So I say, let's all live in the past. It's not just cheaper; it's the right thing for America."

Obama Quietly Slips Resume, Writing Samples To McCain Campaign

Telling reporters at a hastily arranged Washington, D.C. news conference “I know when I’m licked,” Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama today quietly slipped his resume and some writing samples to the McCain Presidential campaign, in hopes of getting some work with the McCain Administration.

“I can beat the old guy, no problem,” Obama said, as he left the offices of the Republican National Committee. “But that woman from Alaska? She’s got my number. I have no shot. I’m LeBron, baby, but she’s Michael Jordan.”

Obama said he watched the speech that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin “in a bar, where I can usually catch the White Sox on satellite” and that Palin’s repeated barbs, professional demeanor, and casting of the Democratic candidate as elite and out of touch “made me choke on my penne with arugala.”

Obama said that “while I’ve been attacked by politicians my whole professional career, there was something different about her speech. It was like being attacked by a combination of a pit bull and Hank’s wife Peggy on King of the Hill.

“I mean, you can defend yourself against a regular politician, like a McCain or a Hillary. But this is like being shushed to death by a librarian. You’ve got no comeback.

“I know when I’m beaten. So I’m handing in my resume right now, before the bandwagon takes off without me. Those people will be running the country come January.”

Obama told reporters that “I’m glad I still have a few years to go on my Senate term, because I just went from hero to zero with the American people. It’s kind of ironic. I beat Hillary, but she opened the door for Palin, who’s going to beat me like a drum. Maybe they can put me in the Cabinet as a show of bipartisanship. That’s why I’m here dropping off my resume.

“I thought I made the best speech in 20 years,” Obama concluded. “But she was Jesse Jackson, Mario Cuomo, and Ronald Reagan put together. She’s a one-woman Dream Team. Too bad they don’t give silver medals for coming in second in Presidential elections. Maybe in 16 years, after his two terms and her two terms, I can try again.”

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Dan Quayle: “Thank God For Sarah Palin”

“I’m sick and tired of being shorthand for incompetent and in over my head,” former Indiana Senator Dan Quayle told a hastily assembled St. Paul, Minnesota news conference. “All I can say is, thank God and John McCain for Sarah Palin.”

Quayle was attending the Republican National Convention because “There’s only so much golf you can play. I wanted to see Sarah Palin in the flesh, because finally there’s a Vice Presidential candidate who makes me look like Franklin Delano Roosevelt.”

For 20 years, Quayle told reporters, his Vice Presidential nomination symbolized “the guy who bumbled his way to the top without deserving it. I guess today we live in an era when being unqualified isn’t an obstacle to success. Maybe now they’ll forget about me.”

Quayle said that he was “not gratified by the criticism Governor Palin has received, because I went through the same painful process. All the jokes about me not going to Latin America because I didn’t speak Latin. People think that just because you’re a public figure, you don’t have feelings. Well, that stuff hurt. At least they didn't have the Internet then. They could have filled up YouTube just with stupid stuff from my campaign."

When reporters asked Quayle whether he had any advice for Governor Palin, he replied, “Stay away from spelling bees, reporters, debates, speeches, TV cameras, the public, Democratics and anyone holding a microphone. Do that and you’ll probably come out okay.”

President Bush To Address Convention From Undisclosed Location; Location Undisclosed Even To President Bush

President George W. Bush will address the Republican National Convention tonight by satellite from an undisclosed location; apparently the Republican National Committee has not informed the President of the exact nature of his current location.

“If anybody could tell me exactly where I am,” the President told a hastily arranged conference call with reporters, “I’d be real grateful. I see a lot of small buildings out of my window, and I think one of them is a Home Depot. And I see a river.”

According to reports, the Republican Party was so concerned about the President’s low approval ratings that they did not want him to appear in person at the Republican National Convention taking place this week in St. Paul, Minnesota.

It would have been too embarrassing to the Party to have a sitting Republican President fail to speak at a convention, so they agreed to have him speak by satellite. Apparently the President was not informed by the Republican Party of where he is currently located.

“It looks like a nice place,” the President told reporters. “We have the top floor of a hotel that looks like a Marriott Residence Suites, but I’m not sure because they didn’t give me a key to the room. There’s a StairMaster in here, and they restock the minibar, but I really am not sure of where I am. Does anyone listening have an idea?”

Rumors circulating at the Republican National Convention suggested that party leaders feared the President would suddenly appear unexpectedly and cause problems, because few Republicans would want to be in a camera shot together with him.

“If he stepped onto the convention floor,” a party leader told the Dissociated Press, “he’d be like Moses parting the Red Sea. Nobody would want to get near him. It’d be like there was a leper in their midst and everybody would start yelling and pointing, ‘Unclean! Unclean!’”

The President told reporters that he “promised Dick Cheney and McCain and all those guys that I wouldn’t come to the Convention, but I guess they didn’t believe me. Heck, I haven’t seen a newspaper. I hear McCain picked a woman for Vice President. I think it’s Libby Dole, but I’m not sure. There are some hills in the distance. Does anybody have GPS on their phone? I’d be really happy just to know where I am.”

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Palin To Have Daughter's Fiance Shot, Stuffed, Mounted In Alaska State House

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin told a hastily assembled St. Paul, Minnesota news conference today that she was opening a three-week "Levi Johnston hunting season" and that all Alaskan males named Levi Johnston were considered "legitimate targets."

Anyone who bagged a Levi Johnson, the Governor said, was invited to have the carcass shipped at the State's expense to the State House, where government taxidermists would dress, stuff and mount the carcass over Governor Palin's desk, also at state expense.

The limit for bagging Levi Johnstons is one per hunter, the Governor said.

"Our concern with Levi Johnstons in the State of Alaska," the Governor told reporters, "is that they are breeding at an alarmng rate, and that their partners are often young and immature. This will eventually be a problem for all Alaskans, especially me."

When asked about the fact that Levi Johnston, the species for which the Governor had declared a special hunting season, was also the name of her daughter Bristol, Gov. Palin replied that this was "an intriguing coincidence, but nothing more."

The Governor explained that Alaskans typically resorted to strategic reducing of populations of various species "when they were overbreeding or breeding out of season. And every bit of any Levi Johnston taken by hunters will be used in its entirety, mostly for dog food, although we will mount the head in my office.

"The head will remind me of my mission, to bring traditional family values to every family in America, including, eventually, mine."

Edwards Denies Ever Having Been To Alaska

Sen. John Edwards today vehemently denied to a hastily assembled, and somewhat puzzled, Chapel Hill, North Carolina news conference that he had ever visited the state of Alaska.

"I have never been to Alaska," Edwards told reporters. "I have never campaigned there. Nor have I taken a glacier cruise there. Nor have I gone ice fishing there, or participated in any way in the Idatarod race, as a musher or as a volunteer or course monitor.

"I have often thought of visiting Alaska," Edwards continued, "but I have never followed through on that thought. My office is today releasing my entire travel schedule for the past 35 years and you will plainly see that my history is Alaska-free."

Sen. Edwards paused for questions, and there was only one: "Why are you addressing the question of whether you have ever been to Alaska when no one is asking you about it?"

Sen. Edwards looked relieved, and replied, "Really? Oh, that's great!", and ended the news conference without taking any further questions.

Monday, September 1, 2008

FEMA Spokesman: “Gustav Is A Big Stinking Disappointment”

A spokesman for FEMA today told a hastily assembled Orleans Parish news conference that Hurricane Gustav was “a big stinking disappointment, kind of a letdown, really.”

Sheldon Bonder, FEMA chief of public relations, told reporters that after the big buildup the storm had received, “You kind of expected more rain, more wind, more destruction. I mean, we’re not in the business of wishing for more human suffering, but frankly, I wish there had been a little more human suffering.”

Bonder explained that FEMA, the Louisiana National Guard, and other state and federal agencies were looking forward to proving themselves capable of handling a major disaster in the wake of their spectacular failure with Hurricane Katrina.

“We kind of feel like we got ready to have a big party,” Bonder told reporters, “and nobody came. We had 20,000 cots in the Superdome, and lots of dump trucks to take the human waste to the Gulf of Mexico. We had a system of beads to give out to people who were trapped in their homes, which they could trade for rescue by helicopter or by rowboat. We had condos with marble bathrooms—120,000 of them—to be airlifted into Jefferson Parish in case people’s houses got flooded away. And now…nothing.”

Bonder said that he and other officials and volunteers would be entitled to free counseling for PNTSD, or Post Non-Traumatic Stress Disorder, “which comes when you think you’re going to be a big hero and instead you’re kind of sitting around the Superdome with Emiril, waiting for someone to cook dinner for.”

Asked by reporters whether he was considered that New Orleans residents might not evacuate the next time a major storm is announced, if they believed that the government had been “crying wolf” this time, a saddened Bonder shook his head.

“If I may speak for all of my colleagues and co-workers,” he said, “quite frankly, from our point of view, there isn’t going to be a next time. You can only get cranked up so many times for a storm of the century before you start to feel a little, well, discouraged."

McCain Defends Choosing Palin Because It Was The “Rash, Reckless Thing To Do”

Sen. John McCain today defended his choice of little-known Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate on the grounds that “It was the rash, reckless thing to do.”

McCain told a hastily assembled Hutchinson, Kansas news conference that “The American people want to know that I’m still as much of a maverick as ever. My choice of Sarah Palin indicates that my shoot-from-the-lip, ready-fire-aim, thinking-is-for-losers approach to decision-making is forever young.”

Reporters asked whether McCain would use the same rash, reactive approach to matters involving international affairs and the economy.

“You bet,” McCain said enthusiastically. “I’ll invade any country at the drop of the slightest provocation. We’ll have our troops in harm’s way all day long. The fact that I don’t think guarantees that our enemies will.”

McCain also promised to use the madman strategy to maximum effect with the economy.

“I’m not convinced taxation, home mortgages, and the Federal Reserve System are really good for the country,” the Senator told reporters. “If I wake up one morning and the thought crosses my brain for even a millisecond, I’ll wipe them all out faster than you can say Fannie Mae.

“And when it comes to the death penalty, all I can say to you felons on death row is this: don’t give me a reason to come finish you off myself. Ya never know with me.”

A reporter asked Sen. McCain about the strength of his marriage and whether his “hairtrigger temper and maverick tendencies” put his bond with his wife at risk.

“Let’s just say that the current Ms. McCain stays on her toes,” the Senator said. “I think Sarah Palin is starting to like me.”