Monday, January 12, 2009

Hamas, Down To 6 Fighters, 3 Rockets And A Dog, Declares Victory Over Israel

The militant group Hamas, after having suffered losses so severe that only six of its fighters and one dog have survived, today declared victory in its war with Israel in the Gaza Strip.

"Yes, they killed thousands of us," a masked, unnamed Hamas spokesman told a hastily assembled Gaza City news conference. "They have destroyed our infrastructure, taken away electricity from our populace, blown up all our smuggling tunnels, and killed our leadership.

"But we won anyway."

Hamas's victory, celebrated by "an admittedly small group of six soldiers and a dog," according to the spokesman, "came at a very high price for Israel. When the time is right, we will fire our last three rockets at Sderot, and then we'll have to dig a new tunnel to Egypt so we can get some more."

The spokesman suggested that even though Israel "had not and never would admit defeat, everybody knows the truth. We aren't just a fighting force--we're an idea. And you can't blow up ideas."

The unnamed spokesman attributed Hamas's victory to its willingness to "stand up for what we believe in, which I would repeat for you now, but I can't because I have such a headache from the bombardment. The main thing is that we won."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

In Reverse, Chinese Sending Low-Wage Jobs Back To U.S.

“Our standard of living has gotten so high that we can’t pay competitive wages for many jobs,” Lin Biau, Chairman of the Chinese Workers Union today told a hastily arranged Beijing news conference. “So we are sending these jobs back to the United States.”

The new policy represents a reversal of years of American jobs headed to low-wage workers in China. As China has become wealthier, it has been increasingly difficult to find employees willing to take low-wage jobs.

“We hear there are a lot of people in Michigan who don’t have jobs,” Mr. Lin told reporters. “Perhaps they will be able to take over the manufacturing jobs that our people will no longer accept.”

Chinese workers in coastal zones are now enjoying high-paying jobs, living in attractive condos, and driving luxury cars. Just a few years ago, they were earning less than a dollar a day “and grateful for those jobs,” Mr. Lin said.

“We look at the United States as a place where there are enough workers willing to take on low-income jobs that our factories can succeed in places like Ohio and Illinois,” Mr. Lin said. “We see America as where China was 10 years ago—filled with underemployed workers who would be grateful for any job.”

Mr. Lin said that while Chinese factory owners were exploring opening up branches in American cities with high levels of unemployment, it was unlikely that China would import any of the goods made in those factories.

“’Made in America’ is unfortunately an international symbol of poor quality,” Mr. Lin said regretfully. “You know how it is. You buy something from America and it falls apart right out of the box. We may export jobs to the United States, but until quality improves, the stuff we have made over there will stay over there.

“Americans first have to learn how to work again,” Mr. Lin said diplomatically. “I’m sure quality will come later.”

Monday, January 5, 2009

Countering Unemployment, Obama To Expand White House Cabinet To 15 Million

In a surprising move to counter unemployment, President-elect Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that he was increasing the size of the Presidential cabinet to 15 million.

"Everybody has expertise in something," Obama told reporters. "Why should we have just 15 people who know about, say, foreign policy or health care? Why not have every unemployed American enjoy a Cabinet-level position in the federal government?"

Obama said that he was modeling his increased Cabinet on a combination of two initiatives of former President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"FDR was famous for the alphabet soup agencies that got millions of unemployed Americans working again," Obama said. "The CCC, the WPA, and, of course, the military. And then he also had his famous Court-packing scheme, where he tried to add a bunch of new Justices to the Supreme Court.

"I say, let's combine the two plans and invite all unemployed Americans to join the Cabinet as Secretaries of whatever floats their boat. We'll have a Secretary of Soldering Corner Panels Onto Camaros, a Secretary of Realtors, a Secretary of TV Sitcom Writers--up to 15 million Secretaries.

"This way, we'll have access to their knowledge base about their former professions, and we'll be able to pay them Cabinet-level salaries and health care benefits. I think it's a win-win for the nation."

When reporters asked how 15 million unemployed Americans would be able to achieve confirmation in the U.S. Senate in a timely fashion, in keeping with the requirements of the U.S. Constitution, the President-elect offered a terse "No comment."

In Shift, God To Review Lives Based Solely On Internet Search Histories

God today told a hastily assembled Mountain View, California news conference that the weighing of souls after death would no longer be based on actions but instead would be based solely on an individual's web search history.

"I now believe that the process of determining a soul's final resting place can be expedited to a period under a quarter of a second," God told reporters at Google's Mountain View headquarters. "What you search for on the web is pretty much a snapshot of how you live your life."

Until recently, God said, judging souls took "decades, or even centuries," because every aspect of a person's life had to be scrutinized for details.

"No longer," God said. "You take a quick look at a person's search history, and there it all is. What did they visit? Neo-Nazi sites? Porn sites? Did they spend all their time and money on eBay, working up a rating of thousands of purchases? People with search histories like that are highly unlikely to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

God warned against people hiring web optimization firms to create "bogus web histories with visits to the United Way, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and other sites that are all about doing good works. From our perspective, and with the assistance of Google, we can tell even more quickly than Santa who's been naughty and who's been nice.

"So my advice to those who would wish to find a room in the mansion that is their Father's house is think twice before you click twice. What you search for will end up on your permanent record, and Google will have a copy in Our hands before the Devil knows you're gone."

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Report: Iraq Running Out Of Civilians

According to a report on the Saudi Arabian website, Iraq is rapidly running out of civilians, due to suicide bombings, emigration, and the fact that the Iraqi Army and police departments are practically the only remaining employers.

“Our population is exploding, but not in a good way,” Iraqi government spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh told a hastily assembled Baghdad news conference. “At the rate the population is blowing up, we should be down to less than 50,000 civilians before the end of 2009.”

Despite claims of success by American armed forces leaders in reducing violence, increasing numbers of Iraqis are dying in suicide attacks and sectarian fighting.

“If you aren’t blowing up yourself or other people, or getting blown up,” al-Dabbagh told reporters, “you’re probably joining the Iraqi police force. Not that that’s any safer, but at least you get a badge and a gun.

“We used to have many employers, and many Iraqis are self-employed,” al-Dabbagh added. “But today there are no more companies, and no one has any money to buy anything, except for the people who work for Blackwater and Halliburton. And they aren’t even Iraqis. So it’s the police force, the border, or your own funeral.”

Al-Dabbagh said that Iraq had begun a public relations campaign to invite foreign nationals to emigrate, but so far, the campaign was mostly unsuccessful.

“Our slogan is ‘Iraq—There’s More Room Than Ever,’” al-Dabbagh said. “So far, though, the only people who are coming in large numbers are Iranians. They seem to like it here. And once we run out of Iraqis, it’ll be their country. The last Iraqi to leave could turn out the light, except for the fact that we have no power 22 hours a day.

“Suddenly Sadaam Hussein doesn’t seem like that bad a guy. He killed civilians, to be sure, but not as quickly. We would never have run out under him.”