Thursday, July 31, 2008

McCain: Obama Hates Puppies

Republican presumptive Presidential candidate John McCain continued his personal attacks on Democratic presumptive Presidential candidate Barack Obama, claiming that Sen. Obama “hates puppies” and would not pet one even if asked by a small child.

“America is too great a nation to be led by a puppy-hater,” Sen. McCain told a hastily assembled Urbana, Illinois press conference. “A man who hates puppies clearly lacks the sensitivity to lead America in troubled times like these.”

Sen. McCain’s campaign earlier had released a TV ad comparing Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, claiming that the Senator was a celebrity without substance. The new puppy-hating charges topped the list of other claims Sen. McCain made in the news conference, hoping to reframe the debate about his youthful, handsome Democratic challenger.

“Senator Obama doesn’t like apple pie,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “He prefers foreign-sounding desserts like crème brulee or torta d’ricotta. Where are his American values? What’s wrong with a nice slice of warm apple pie with a little vanilla ice cream on top?”

“And the Senator doesn’t like baseball, football, basketball, or even hockey,” McCain added. “I don’t think he even likes NASCAR. Or pork rinds. Or Fritos. Or gimme caps. He doesn’t even like thrillers or romantic comedies or the Discovery Channel. I mean, who is this guy?”

When asked by reporters whether the McCain campaign’s frivolous charges against Sen. Obama were meant to distract whatever aspects of the American public still paying attention to McCain’s increasingly irrelevant campaign, the Senator offered a terse “No comment.”

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Bush, Behind on White House Mortgage Payments, Bails Self Out

A little-noticed rider on the mortgage bailout bill provides specific relief to President George W. Bush and Laura Bush, who fell six months behind on their mortgage payments on the White House and were in danger of foreclosure.

“No matter what we think of the President,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D, Left Coast), “we can’t have him evicted from the White House because of his inability to pay the mortgage.”

The President lost much of his savings in the Enron disaster, and recently lost most of his income due to an email he received from a former government officer in Ethiopia, who convinced President Bush to invest over $7 million in what turned out to be an oil-related scam. In addition, the Bushes had entered into a no-document, adjustable rate mortgage with a balloon payment that they can no longer afford to maintain.

“The Bushes are basically broke,” Speaker Pelosi told reporters. “It’s kind of tragic. Safeguards have been put in place, such as not allowing the President to answer any more email. But they also have a serious problem with their mortgage, so Congress had to do something special for them.”

The rider on the mortgage bailout bill will pre-pay the Bushes’ mortgage through the end of their second term in addition to taking care of the arrears in their payments.

“We can’t let a couple this important be kicked to the curb,” Speaker Pelosi said.

When asked why the bailout bill preserved the financial resources of the very mortgage companies that had caused the lending crisis, while ignoring the families who are the victims of those companies’ illegal actions, Speaker Pelosi offered a terse “No comment.”

Monday, July 28, 2008

Steroid-Abusing Iraqi Suicide Bomber Kills 61, Gets Asterisk

An unnamed male suicide bomber detonated himself outside a crowded Baghdad market today, killing 61, a new record, but he will receive a posthumous asterisk on his record because of allegations of steroid use, an Iraqi official told a hastily assembled Baghdad news conference.

“Steroids give suicide bombers an unfair advantage,” Minister of Sports and Self-Detonation Mustafa al-Iliqba told reporters. “Since they are physically stronger, they can carry more explosives. If records are going to mean anything, you can’t have people using artificial means to build themselves up, carry more bombs, and kill more people. So we’re placing an asterisk on the gentleman’s record.”

The previous record high number of people killed by a suicide bomb in Baghdad was 60. Many observers will still refer to the record of 60 as the legitimate mark, while the man who killed 61, whose ID was destroyed in the attack, will not be considered a legitimate record.

“It’s like comparing apples to oranges,” Mr. al-Iliqba told reporters. “We are thinking about having a Natural Division of suicide bombers, people who did not use any illegitimate means of making themselves bigger. But until then, if there is only one category, we must disqualify users of steroids, because otherwise the records will be meaningless.”

Mr. al-Iliqba noted that some steroids abusers could add up to 40 additional pounds of muscle mass, enabling them to carry up to 60 more pounds of TNT.

“We understand that some people will do anything for to achieve a record,” Mr. al-Iliqba noted. “But until the dangers of steroids are fully understood, we cannot condone suicide bombers using them. We will continue to test, both the live bombers before they self-detonate and the DNA of the bombers after they have committed their missions. We believe people want to know there is a level playing field among suicide bombers. If you can’t trust the record book, then what’s left?”

Mr. al-Iliqba told reporters that the Iraqi Government is working to create a test for HGH or Human Growth Hormone, which currently cannot be detected in fragments of DNA from suicide bombers who have already blown themselves up.

“The veracity of our national pastime is on the line,” Mr. al-Iliqba said. “From a sentimentalist point of view, the old record of 60 still stands. If you can blow yourself up legitimately and kill 61, great. Otherwise, what kind of example are we setting for the kids?"

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Frustrated McCain Plans Own Trip To Counter Obama's

A clearly frustrated Sen. John McCain today announced his own 6-nation trip to counter the astonishingly successful Mideast/European voyage that gave Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama a huge bump in polls.

McCain told a hastily assembled Phoenix news conference that his first stop would be Canada, where he would speak to a small gathering of Eskimos and take some time out to refill some of his prescriptions in Winnepeg, since Canadian drug prices are considerably cheaper than those in the U.S.

The Republican Presidential candidate will travel next to Mexico, where he will speak to a small gathering of chicken farmers, and take time out for a new series of Botox injections at a clinic outside Tijuana, since Mexican medical procedures are considerably cheaper than those in the U.S.

McCain will travel next to Cuba, where he will address a small gathering of Cuban cigar workers, and will take time out to purchase some Cuban cigars, which are unavailable in the United States.

The Republican Senator will travel next to Jamaica and address a small gathering of ganja rollers, and will take time out to purchase and try out some real Jamaican ganja, which is unavailable legally in the United States, in order to appear more "relevant" to young voters.

McCain will travel next to Costa Rica, to address a small gathering of hotel workers, and will take time out to enjoy a few days of snorkeling, since Costa Rican resorts cost considerably less than those in the United States.

The Senator will conclude his trip in the Falkland Islands, where he will address a small gathering of veterans of the 1982 war with Great Britain, and will take time out to declare that military action is always the best answer, even when a country like the Falklands, or the United States, has absolutely no chance of winning.

When asked whether the Senator's trip was really an excuse to enjoy a vacation, forget about his sputtering, increasingly irrelevant campaign for a while, and save money on prescription drugs, Cuban cigars, hotel rooms, Botox, and ganja, McCain offered a terse "No comment."

China Tells Olympians: "Win Or Don't Go Home"

The Chinese Olympic Commission has slightly changed the wording of the NBA Playoffs slogan, "Win Or Go Home" to a more ominous sounding "Win Or Don't Go Home," an official told a hastily assembled Beijing news conference.

"We expect nothing less than a gold medal from every one of our Olympic athletes," Lin Biao, Chairman of the Chinese Olympic Commission told reporters. "Our athletes know that our reputation is riding on their efforts. And so is their survival."

Chinese Olympic officials understand that not every athlete can win a gold medal. "But not every athlete gets to see his or her family again," Mr. Lin told reporters. "We're not running a charity event. We're running the Olympic Games."

Chinese gold medal winners can expect the undying thanks of their countrymen, Mr. Lin told reporters. Those who do not win can expect criminal charges, reeducation camps, and in some cases, the death penalty.

"We see our resources as finite," Mr. Lin said. "We cannot lavish billions of dollars on our Olympic program. So an athlete who fails to live up to our admittedly high expectations is guilty of a criminal misuse of State funds. That's why we say, 'Win Or Don't Go Home.'"

Mr. Lin said that most of the athletes were "unconcerned" about the repercussions of coming in second or third or failing to win a medal in their sports. "They know that the judges, the time clocks, and the venues themselves have been altered in such a way that victory is all but assured.

"In fact, we have another slogan just for the judges: "Give China the gold and we'll give you lots of silver. When we win, everybody wins."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

French Mourning Loss of 35-Hour Work Week

The French Parliament today voted to eliminate the widely cherished 35-hour workweek and allow employers to insist on additional hours from workers.

“This is going to change French civilization as we know it,” an enraged Ernest Fromage told a hastily arranged Paris news conference. “After work, we will barely have time for our mistresses. We will come home to our wives frustrated and, how do you say it politely, unfulfilled. This will take a terrible toll on our marriages, as we will not be coming home in a relaxed frame of mind.”

Fromage warned of large numbers of ex-mistresses, unable to count on their paramours to provide for their lifestyles, entering the job market.

“Ex-mistresses all over France will be taking away men’s jobs,” Fromage predicted. “The unemployment rate will go up and men who are husbands and fathers will be no longer able to support their families.”

Fromage said that certain French industries such as short-stay hotels, providers of birth control, wine and cheese manufacturers, and companies selling women’s grooming products would also suffer.

“The repercussions will flow through the entire French economy,” Fromage declared. “You make a man work, instead of allowing him to make love to his woman, and you will see tension and upset. Soon we will be as anxious and frustrated as the Americans, and soon peaceful France will be invading other countries, just because we are, how do you say it politely, backed up, non?”

Radio Shock Jock Savage Takes On Kids With MS, Cancer, Asthmatics

“Throw your inhalers away and quit being such crybabies,” radio shock jock Michael Savage today told his national audience. “I’ve never seen such whiners. I don’t recognize this country anymore.”

Fresh from his controversial comments about how children diagnosed with autism are faking their illness and simply need stronger parenting, Savage today took on children with other medical conditions including multiple sclerosis, cancer, asthma, and HIV/AIDS.

“These are liberal diseases,” the conservative, iconoclastic Savage declared. “Only children of liberals have these diseases, because their parents won’t take responsibility for their actions.”

Savage’s radio program, which usually provides a critique of left-wing values, has shifted focus and is now devoted almost entirely to taunting ill children.

“They’re a bunch of malingerers trying to get out of going to school,” Savage declared. “Their parents must be a bunch of Islamo-Fascists. When I was a kid, if you had cancer or something, your father took off his belt and beat it out of you. Today, we coddle kids.”

Savage recently became the focus of a national groundswell of criticism for his remarks about autism, which have resulted in sponsors including AFLAC leaving the show and protestors demanding that Savage be dropped from radio stations.

“I’m not backing down,” Savage, born Michael Weiner, told listeners. “My ratings have never been higher. I’m just an angry guy who somehow went from making nothing as a nutritionist to making a fortune as a talk radio guy. But the whole borders, language, culture shtick I do is getting old. Nobody cares anymore. And then I say one word about kids, and I’m front page.”

Savage said that once he’s gone through all the children’s diseases he can think of, he will then start attacking young people who are mentally ill and then move on to fetal alcohol syndrome and other diseases that attack the fetus prior to birth.

“I’m five diseases away from funding my entire retirement,” Savage told listeners. “And the sickest thing is, I’ve got callers who actually agree with me. And some of them are even native-born English speakers. I’ll go after them next.”

Obama Unanimously Elected Chancellor of Germany

Fresh from selection as President of Afghanistan and Iraq and the Messiah in the Holy Land, Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama was today unanimously elected Chancellor of Germany, on a platform opposed to inflation and foreigners.

“I offer change that Germany can believe in,” Sen. Obama told a torchlit stadium rally of over 80,000 Germans. “I am surprised and honored to be elected Chancellor of your glorious nation.”

Germans, often noted for their political stoicism and conservatism, fell under the spell of Obama’s magical voice and demanded that he lead their government, despite their uncertainty about what he stood for, aside from opposition to inflation and foreigners.

“We cannot have Germans taking their money to the bank in wheelbarrows,” Obama told his rapt audience, who interrupted his talk more than 20 times with vigorous applause. “And we cannot have foreigners taking over this country. Except for me, of course.”

Sen. Obama told the audience that the terms under which Germany had surrendered in World War I were “unacceptable” and that he was prepared to lead the nation for “at least 1,000 years, or longer, if terms limits can be repealed.”

Over the course of the day, at various rallies and motorcades, Sen. Obama greeted crowds totaling more than 4 million delirious Germans. The highlight came when Sen. Obama stood at the at Brandenburg Gate in Berlin and declared, “Ich bin eine verandem,” which translates roughly as “I am a changer.”

[Meanwhile, in other campaign news, the Republican Presidential candidate, John McCain, spoke to a crowd of 11 people at a packed campaign phone booth in Manchester, New Hampshire.]

After the stadium rally, when reporters asked Chancellor Obama how he would reduce the threat of terrorism on the European continent, balance German concerns about guest workers, stabilize the German economy, eradicate poverty, and bring residents of what was formerly East Germany into economic parity with the rest of the nation, the Chancellor offered a terse “No comment.”

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

China Sets Up Designated “Protest Zones” for Beijing Olympics

“We are open to criticism,” Olympics Chairman Wen Zi-Chang told a hastily arranged Beijing news conference. “We want the world to know that modern China is about tolerance of diverging opinions.”

Mr. Wen today announced that specially designated “Protest Zones” were being created in order to allow “a full spectrum of points of view” during the 2008 Summer Games.

“Not everyone in China agrees with the government,” Mr. Wen said. “The Protest Zones will allow individuals and groups to express their opinions without fear of reprisal.”

Asked by reporters whether the Protest Zones will be located close to Olympic venues, Mr. Wen shook his head. “Every square meter of Beijing is already spoken for,” he said apologetically. “So we had to look to some outlying areas.”

Protest Zone Number One, Mr. Wen said, is located “in a field approximately 300 miles southwest of Beijing. It is surrounded by one of our largest nuclear waste dumps, but our toxicology experts say that chances of being contaminated by radiation are extremely low, unless one stays there for more than 30 minutes.”

Protest Zone Number Two, Mr. Wen indicated, is located “in a wild animal preserve approximately 550 miles from Beijing. The chances of being torn apart by wild boars, cheetahs, or lions is minimal, as long as one does not carry food on one’s person or wear scent.”

Protest Zone Number Three, Mr. Wen noted, is located “on a People’s Army base in Ulan Batur, Mongolia, approximately 725 miles northwest of the Olympic Games. Many of the soldiers and officers at the base are open to the concept of free speech. Some of the soldiers would not be likely to shoot protestors on sight.”

“Our main goal,” Mr. Wen explained, “is to avoid another Tiananmen Square massacre. So we intend to have our massacres take place outside of Beijing. Did I mention that media are not permitted in the Protest Zones? We don’t want video of protestors being contaminated by toxic waste, torn apart by wild animals, or senselessly slaughtered by angry Mongolian soldiers. It would ruin the spirit of harmony, peace and understanding that the Beijing Games are all about.”

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Israeli Jews, Christians Anoint Obama Messiah And Debate Over Whether He Has Been Here Before

Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama traveled to the Holy Land today, where millions of Jews and Christians touched the hem of his garment, were healed of various incurable ailments, in some cases returning from the dead, and anointed the Illinois Senator the Messiah.

“I understand there is a debate as to whether this is my first visit to Jerusalem or whether I was here 2,000 years ago,” Obama told a hastily assembled Old City news conference, as olive oil cascaded down his youthful brow. “I think it’s possible to understand my position as saying that I might have been, but again, I might not have been.”

Obama’s anointing as Messiah took place as Jews danced in the street and Christians openly wept over the arrival of the new Savior. In a bow to today’s troubled political and religious divisions in the Holy City of Jerusalem, Obama arrived riding an armor-plated donkey.

“I offer change that Israeli Jews and Christians alike can believe in,” Sen. Obama told reporters, as several prostitutes repented of their sins and a group of moneylenders renounced all forms of interest-bearing loans.

When asked by reporters how the new Messiah intended to usher in a new era of peace, resolve doctrinal differences between and among Christians, Jews, and Moslems, determine borders for a new Palestinian state, settle divisions among Palestinian factions, eliminate conflicts between religious groups that went back generations and even centuries, and settle disputes over the Temple Mount, the West Bank, the Golan Heights, the Gaza Strip, and the city of Jerusalem, Sen. Obama offered a terse “no comment.”

McCain Criticizes Opponent, Whom He Refers To as “Tiger Woods”

“I challenge Mr. Woods to debate me, anytime, anywhere,” Sen. John McCain told a hastily assembled Augusta, Georgia news conference. “He’s obviously taken a sabbatical from golf in order to campaign for the Presidency. I say, come out of your clubhouse and let’s debate like grown men.”

Horrified staffers later told reporters that Sen. McCain had slept poorly the night before and must have confused Woods with his actual opponent, Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

“I admit he’s a better golfer than I am,” Sen. McCain said, in an apparent reference to Tiger Woods. “But I’ll be a better President.”

McCain criticized “Woods” for taking an international trip “just to gain headlines. Doesn’t Tiger realize people in those other nations can’t vote? Unless they’re American citizens living abroad or military,” the Senator pointed out.

McCain noted that many athletes had translated their success in sports into success in the political arena, naming Rep. Jack Kemp, former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura, and Sens. Jim Bunning and Bill Bradley.

“The House and Senate are one thing,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “Politics, unlike golf, is a team sport. Mr. Woods can go it alone, or technically with just a caddy. But in Washington, you have to know how to play on a team, which is what my military background gives me.”

When asked by reporters whether he was perhaps confusing Woods with Sen. Obama, McCain paused, stared into space for approximately three minutes, and then called for the next question.

McCain Makes Entire Campaign Stop Without Saying Something Dumb

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today made campaign history by getting through an entire stop on the campaign trail without saying the slightest stupid thing.

“We’re gratified and relieved,” campaign spokesperson Jody Trumbull told a hastily assembled Falls Church, Virginia news conference. “Our candidate, unfortunately, has a propensity to get facts wrong, names of countries confused, and other details messed up. We’d like to hope that the Senator has turned a new page in his campaign.”

Sen. McCain spoke to a gathering of 8-year-olds at a church summer camp about the importance of religion in American history. The Senator correctly identified Jesus Christ as his Lord and savior, churches as large buildings in which people pray, and God as the creator of the universe.

“He nailed the appearance,” Trumbull said. “He handled all of the children’s questions correctly. We were all very pleased.”

Sen. McCain told the children that he had served the United States as a Navy pilot, which was correct; that he currently served in the United States Senate, which was correct; and that he was currently running for President; which was also true.

The Senator’s handlers prescreened questions from the children, in order to make sure that there were no “potentially confusing” questions about Iraq, the economy, the names of European countries, how many states there are in the Union, which is the Senator’s left hand and which is the Senator’s right hand, or where babies come from.

“We believe that Senator McCain today demonstrated that he truly is fit to lead the nation,” Trumbull declared, “and that he can handle the details that the Presidency requires. We look forward to more such campaign events where he gets 100 percent of the facts absolutely straight. That’s why we call his campaign bus the Straight Talk Express.”

The McCain campaign paid a second, unexpected visit to the church camp later in the day, after it became clear that the Senator had left in a men’s room his glasses, cell phone, wallet, watch, and the nuclear codes that can plunge the nation into war at a moment’s notice.

Beckham, To Improve Soccer Ratings, Permitted To Use Hands, Small Weapons

Major League Soccer, acknowledging that David Beckham has not yet propelled soccer to sufficient prominence in the U.S., will now permit Beckham to use his hands to carry the ball, inflict blows on opponents and, during overtime periods, use small weapons.

“We honestly haven’t gotten our $250 million worth,” MLS spokesman Fred Mills told a hastily arranged Los Angeles news conference. “Soccer is still barely on the radar, despite Beckham’s presence. So we’ve got to goose it up a little bit.”

“Americans aren’t into soccer," Mills told reporters, “because they don’t see anything special about kicking a large ball. Your kid can do that, quite frankly. So you’ve got a major international celebrity like Beckham, and all he can do is stop a soccer ball with his foot and then kick it to someone else. I mean, come on. He’s got all this athletic talent that’s going untapped. People don’t spend serious money to watch Madonna gargle, or Brad Pitt do table readings of movie scripts. We want action.”

Mills said that Major League Soccer will now allow Beckham to cradle the ball in his arms, run down the field, and throw it into the opposing team’s goal, in an attempt to increase scoring. In the event of an overtime period, Beckham will now be allowed to brandish a 8 mm. weapon at opposing players. They can either turn the ball over to Beckham or find out the hard way if the weapon is loaded.

“Beckham will also be allowed to kick, scratch, bite, gouge, and deliver kidney punches to his opponents,” Mills told reporters.

“We’re trying to combine the high-scoring excitement of the NBA or the NFL,” Mills said, “along with the physical violence of mixed martial arts. If Becks can inflict serious bodily harm on opponents, and perhaps even shoot them during an overtime, we think our ratings can only go up.”

Obama Chosen Leader of Iraq; Promises “Change Sunnis and Shiites Can Believe In”

Fresh from his installation as newly elected President of Afghanistan, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama was today chosen the “13th Imam” or leader of the Iraqi peoples.

“I will lead Iraq firmly but fairly,” a surprised Sen. Obama told a hastily arranged Anbar Province news conference. “I will provide change that Sunnis and Shiites alike can believe in.”

A suicide bomber driving a bulldozer en route to disrupt a meeting between Sen. Obama and former Iraqi President Maliki caught a glimpse of the Senator in his armored car, burst into tears, and renounced violence, according to a report in the Dissociated Press.

“Iraq is not a Sunni country,” Sen. Obama told a packed stadium. “Iraq is not a Shiite country. Iraq is…a country,” he concluded, to rapturous applause.

Millions of Iraqis thronged the path of Sen. Obama’s bulletproof limousine, cheering, crying, and laying down their weapons. Tribal leaders wept and embraced former enemies; weapons by the hundreds of thousands were tossed into the sea; and formerly murderous street gangs left scores of notes of apology under the doors of relatives of their victims.

“We disagree on interpretations of the Koran,” a cleric told the Dissociated Press, “but we all agree that Barack Obama represents change. Lots of change. All kinds of change. But good change, not bad change. The kind of change that everyone likes. Happy change. Not sad change. The only unhappy thing for us is the terrible rumor that Obama is a Christian. How can people say things like that? But he is our new leader, and we are happy, for a change.”

Sen. Obama announced that since he has brought peace to Iraq, he will be taking all American troops with him when he leaves the country later this afternoon.

Monday, July 21, 2008

New York Times Rejects McCain Op-Ed Piece, Says Author "Too Obscure"

The New York Times today rejected an Op-Ed piece written by Republican candidate Sen. John McCain on the grounds that the newspaper considered McCain’s candidacy “too obscure and unheard of.”

“We’re The New York Times,” Times executive editor Bill Keller told a hastily assembled New York news conference. “We can’t publish opinion pieces by every crank, obscure, unheard of, fringe candidate who wants to use our paper to gain credibility.

“We’ve polled our reporters and editors,” Keller added, “and none of them had ever heard of this McCain guy. We didn’t publish Ron Paul. We didn’t publish Ross Perot. We didn’t publish Mike Huckabee or Walter Mondale the tall guy who was on the Love Boat, what’s his name. And we certainly aren’t going to publish McCain. Our readers only want to read opinion pieces from mainstream Presidential candidates with a real possibility of winning.”

Keller also noted that McCain’s opinion piece “in any event did not meet the quality standards of the New York Times. Our pieces are usually 800 words long. This McCain guy’s piece was 8,000 words. It rambled, it repeated itself, it had a lot of crossouts. By the way, the piece came into our offices in longhand. I mean, isn’t there anyone on his campaign who can use a computer?

“We figured maybe he didn’t even have any staffers,” Keller added. “That’s how it is with these fringe guys, but usually they have a kid on the staff who can at least put up a website. That was just further evidence that this McCain is a fringe guy, somebody you can’t take seriously.”

Keller said that the opinion piece started off with a long defense of the War in Iraq, followed by lengthy, acerbic critiques of Jane Fonda movies including Barbarella, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, and the China Syndrome, descriptions of various Naval vessels, a long section that appeared to argue both for and against campaign financing, an analysis of the Arizona Diamondbacks’ pitching rotation, and about fifteen other topics.

When a reporter pointed out that McCain was actually a sitting U.S. Senator from Arizona, Keller appeared relieved.

“To be honest,” he admitted, “we thought maybe he had some sort of obscure career in politics. Judging from his loopy handwriting, his obsessive thinking patterns, and some of the threatening remarks concerning Ms. Fonda, we thought we had another Unabomber on our hands.

“Cabin in the woods, guy who blows stuff up, the whole nine yards. If he’s really just a Senator, then I guess I feel a little relieved. We had both internal security and the NYPD involved, and we were thinking of turning the whole thing over to the FBI. But we’re still not publishing that article.”

Osama’s Driver Demands, Recieves Jury of His Peers

Salim Hamdan, allegedly the driver for alleged terrorist Osama bin-Ladin, today won a motion at his Guantanamo Bay trial for a jury of his peers. The military tribunal hearing his case agreed that he was constitutionally entitled to such a jury.

Hamdan, acting in his capacity as Osama’s chief driver, is accused of failing to signal when changing lanes on the Cross-Afghanistan Expressway, failing to come to a complete stop after a bus with children turned on its flashing lights, using a cell phone in a part of Afghanistan where drivers are not permitted to use cell phones, and conspiracy to commit terrorist acts and kill millions of people across the world.

Hamdan’s jury will consist of the driver for Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe; the driver for Omar al-Bashir, the President of the Sudan; the driver for Rene Preval, President of Haiti; the driver for Jean-Bertrande Aristide, former President of Haiti; the driver for Warren Jeffs, head of the polygamist sect FLDS recently raided and disbanded in Texas; the driver for Barry Bonds, the leading home run hitter in American baseball history; and the driver for Las Vegas headliner Celine Dion.

“We think a driver ought to be judged by his peers, who obviously are other drivers,” a spokesman for the U.S. Army told a hastily arranged Guantanamo Bay news conference. “They would be best situated to judge whether Mr. Hamdan’s driving, and his alleged terroristic acts, rise to the level of activity punishable by criminal law.”

Human rights groups have protested against the handling of Mr. Hamdan and 240 other prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay since the beginning of the war in Afghanistan in November, 2001. Those groups have both applauded the military tribunal’s decision to permit a jury of other drivers.

“It’s a first step,” a spokesperson for Amnesty International told the Dissociated Press. “We’d like to see the U.S. Government move on now to other issues, including freedom of religion, decent meals, humane conditions, and a wait of less than seven years for others held at the prison at Guantanamo. But we’re not holding our breath.”

Obama Elected President of Afghanistan

In surprise voting, the Afghanistani people today selected Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama as their new President.

“I’m honored,” an evidently surprised Sen. Obama told a hastily arranged Kabul news conference. “But the people of Afghanistan have spoken, and I accept my new responsibilities.”

Sen. Obama has been visiting Afghanistan as part of a week-long trip to burnish his foreign policy credentials for the upcoming Presidential election. His opponent, Sen. John McCain, has been viewed as more knowledgable and experienced about foreign affairs.

A spokesman for former Afghanistani President Hamid Karzai told the Dissociated Press that his countrymen were struck by Sen. Obama’s warmth and magnetism.

“He reminds me of a village chief who stands for change you can believe in,” Karzai said. “I saw him on CNN like everybody else, of course. But once I met him in person, I knew that he, not I was the right person to run this country.”

Afghanistanis of all different backgrounds and tribes have turned out by the tens of thousands wherever Sen. Obama spoke or visited. Karzai said that “My countrymen and women have renounced violence and ceased the poppy trade, after just gazing upon the Senator’s countenance. He is so boyishly handsome and well-spoken that we know he will be a good leader. Just by his very being, he is making Afghanistan a better place.”

Sen. Obama told reporters he was “deeply moved” by his reception and elevation to the Afghanistani Presidency. “Any time you visit a country and they want to make you their leader,” Sen. Obama said, “well, it just makes you feel special inside. I look forward to ruling Afghanistan firmly but fairly, with change that we all can feel good about.”

The State Department announced that Sen. Obama’s desire to run Afghanistan “would not conflict in any way” with his U.S. citizenship, and that he could run Afghanistan while simultaneously running for and winning election as the next U.S. President.

When asked for specifics about what sort of change he would bring to Afghanistan, how he would deal with the Taliban, fix the nation’s struggling economy, deal with border issues, cooperate in the war on terror, end the involvement of the U.S. military, and improve schools, highways, and hospitals in the impoverished war-torn nation, Afghanistani President Obama offered a terse “no comment.”

Norman: I Can Still Find A Way To Lose

Greg Norman became the oldest golfer ever to surrender a lead in a major tournament Sunday, dropping from first to a tie fort third on the final day of competition in the British Open at Royal Birkdale, and said he had never been happier about his play.

“Losing a tournament is like falling off a bike,” Greg Norman told a hastily arranged Southport, England news conference. “It’s in my blood. It’s what I do best. I’m proud that I am able to bring my legacy of losing into my sixth decade.”

Norman told reporters that anyone could win a golf tournament, especially a major tournament, now that Tiger Woods wasn’t on the scene. “But to lose a major? That takes a special set of skills, and only Phil Mickelson can challenge me in this arena.”

Norman took a two-shot lead into Sunday’s final round, which he began with three straight bogeys. His additional three bogeys on the back nine all but insured defeat.

“Winning doesn’t impress me nearly as much as finding intriguing ways to lose,” Norman said.

The Australian golfer said that winning puts “too much pressure” on golfers to “keep on winning. The way golf is structured, you can make a million a year never being in contention, just making cuts and finishing in the top twenty or thirty. You don’t have a great big gallery following you around to distract you, the reporters aren’t wasting your time after you finish, and you can eat your meals in any public place without fear of autograph seekers. That’s my idea of successful golf.”

Norman said his “greatest regret” was winning the 1996 U.S. Open, which “exposed my game to a higher level of scrutiny than I considered desirable. They call me the Shark not because of the quality of my game but because I stay beneath the surface of the water. I thank my lucky stars that I did not actually win the Open. That would have been unbearable.”

Norman said his future plans include losing the U.S. Open this summer, Augusta next spring, and 10 to 12 unspecified events on the Champions Tour.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Bush Accidentally Vetoes 6 Bills, Washington Post Sports Page, and White House Lunch Menu

“My bad,” a chagrined President George W. Bush today told a hastily assembled West Wing news conference. “I got caught up in the baseball standings and I just started vetoing everything in sight.”

The President had recently invoked executive privilege to keep secret an FBI interview with Vice President Dick Cheney with regard to the “outing” of CIA operative Valerie Plame.

“That Plame thing just put me in a negative mood,” the President admitted. “Once you start saying no to one thing, you just end up saying no to everything. It’s like when your little kids start pestering you for stuff. Eventually you just want them to just get out of the room and let you watch the game.”

In a two-day period, the President vetoed 6 bills, including a farm bill, a Medicare bill, and a bill to continue the funding of the Iraq War, on behalf of all of which he had lobbied strenuously.

The President also wielded his veto pen to nullify the sports section of the Washington Post, a White House lunch menu, a request from an 11-year-old for an autograph, a love note from his wife, and the entire continent of Africa.

“The Africa thing was definitely a mistake,” the President admitted. “I urge Congress to override my veto and restore the African continent immediately.”

Asked by reporters whether he had plans to veto anything else, the President quipped, “Yeah, that amendment or whatever it is to the Constitution that only lets me have two terms. Those two guys running for my job? They’re even less qualified than I am. And if that doesn’t scare America, then nothing I can say ever will.”

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Funniest Blog in America Celebrates 100th Post

"There's an elite in our society composed of politicians, business people and celebrities," Funniest Blog in America author Michael Levin told a hastily assembled Irvine, California news conference, "that are totally out of touch with real life. Their fortune and fame insulates them from reality. It's my job to point out the silliness of their actions and words, and in so doing to become wealthy and famous enough to join them."

Levin told reporters that he was "very pleased" with the blog's reception around the world. "So far, we have completely transformed the way the wealthy and powerful view their responsibilites to society. We have lowered greenhouse emissions, reduced our nation's dependence on foreign oil, solved several major "cold case" homicides, created new jobs, and put 100,000 policemen on the street. In our next 100 posts, we intend to end the war in Iraq on favorable terms, improve education opportunities in the inner cities of our nation, reduce taxes, and create a world of peace, love, and understanding."

When asked by reporters whether he was overstating the importance of the blog, Levin agreed. "If the people I'm writing about can be so drastically out of touch about reality, why can't I?"

Levin said that he is available to serve as a celebrity pundit for "national network morning shows, appropriate cable programs, weddings, and Bar Mitzvahs."

"It's not easy being funny," Levin admitted. "Actually, the world is funny. All I have to do is write stuff down before The Onion or Steven Tolbert think of it. That's the only hard part."

Levin can be contacted at 310 497 8547, and is almost as funny on the phone as he is in his blog. Well, almost. He does thank both, he means all of his readers, for their continuing support.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Senators Warned Against Throwing Gang Signs On Senate Floor

Concerned that some U.S. Senators and members of Congress are flashing signals related to street gangs, the White House has hired experts to examine C-SPAN tapes and identify the hand gestures.

“Frankly, we’re concerned,” White House press secretary Dana Perino told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. “The trend started in the National Football League and appears to have spread to the Senate.”

“We have to nip it in the bud, obviously,” Perino added. “It’s one thing to have Republicans and Democratics vying power in the well of the Senate. It’s another thing altogether when it’s Crips and Bloods.”

Perino said that warnings intensified after Sen. Orrin Hatch was seen making a threatening gesture after Sen. Bernie Sanders expressed satisfaction with a veto override in 2006.
“We couldn’t tell whether Hatch was testing his hand due to arthritis,” Perino said, “or whether he was throwing up a gang sign.”

Newly elected Senators and Representatives are routinely warned by FBI agents that the throwing of gang signs on the Senate or House floor is not tolerated.

“We’re also watching for tie color—red or blue is a dead giveaway,” Perino said. “And jewelry and dress style. When we see a Senator with a 5-to-10 pound piece of gold jewelry around his neck, no belt around his pants and his boxers visible on C-SPAN 2, we have reason to believe he’s bagging, sagging, and flagging. We’re not down with that.”

The concern was raised with first-year players at the recent rookie symposium, and a video on the dangers of gangs was shown to every player in the league last year. They are shown a video of Sen. Ted Kennedy apparently throwing down a sign identified with the 18th St. Crips set, although Perino acknowledged the Senator might simply have been indicating to a Senate page his desire for an additional Heineken, served in a frosty cold mug emblazoned with the Crips sign.

Clemens Denies HGH and Steroids Use; Admits to Botox

“I admit I wanted richer, fuller lips,” a chastened Roger Clemens told a hastily assembled Houston, Texas news conference. “So I started using Botox. But never HGH or steroids.”

Clemens was responding to new allegations of a delivery of HGH to his home, provided by a convicted HGH dealer. These allegations square with earlier Capitol Hill and courtroom testimony with regard to Clemens’ alleged use of steroids and HGH.

“Botox is awesome,” Clemens said. “First, I started to notice in the late ‘90s that my lips weren’t as rich and full as they had been in the past. Maybe when you’re outside pitching all the time, your lips don’t have that luscious fullness that I always prided myself on. Or maybe all the air travel dried them out.

“Either way, I went the Botox route,” Clemens said. “It’s completely safe, regardless of what you may read about it on the Internet, and it definitely made me feel more attractive and compelling. That boost to my self-confidence enabled me to become a more powerful pitcher, to the point where I was able to win several Cy Young awards and World Series titles well after I might otherwise have had to quit.”

Clemens continued to deny that he had ever used HGH or anabolic steroids in order to prolong his Hall of Fame-level pitching career.

“It’s ludicrous to say I did that stuff,” Clemens said, his lips trembling into a full-on pout, which many reporters, male and female, found extremely alluring. “Pitching is all about confidence, and when you feel as confident in your appearance as Botox allowed me to be, heck, I was good to go.”

Clemens added that although most of his product endorsement deals had vanished in light of drug allegations, he was on the verge of signing a deal with a major manufacturer of makeup that was going to create a personalized Roger Clemens line of lip gloss, eye shadow, foundation, and blush.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Selig Lets "Well-Behaved" Nation Watch End of All-Star Game

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told a hastily assembled Yankee Stadium press conference that "Since America was so well-behaved, it could stay up an extra hour and watch the end of the All-Star Game."

Selig said that America had done its homework and its chores, taken out the garbage, walked the dog, and put away its toys. As a result, he would allow the nation to stay up a little later than usual and watch the end of the All-Star Game.

"In 2002, America was naughty," Selig reminded reporters. "America was mean to the dog and didn't eat its vegetables. Bad America. Naughty, naughty country. But this year, America behaved so nicely. So America got a special reward."

America had to brush its teeth, put on its pajamas, and say its prayers and was then allowed to watch the conclusion of the game, which ended in the traditional way, with one team winning and one team losing.

"I was watching America's behavior very carefully to see if it deserved to watch the whole All-Star Game," Selig said. "If America doesn't sit nicely in front of the TV, I'm turning the game off. I'm not joking, America. Don't give me a reason."

Bernanke Proposes Capitalism As “Last Resort”

Citing numerous strains on the economy, Fed Chair Ben Bernanke suggested that the United States may have to try capitalism, as a last resort.

“Government intervention has been as much of failure here in the U.S. as it was in the U.S.S.R.,” Bernanke testified the Senate Banking Committee early Tuesday. “Maybe we have to admit that we in the Government have no idea how to manage an economy.”

Bernanke’s suggestion that America try capitalism was met with howls of criticism and derision from Capitol Hill to the business community.

“He must be smoking something,” Connecticut Senate Chris Dodd,Chair fo the Senate Banking Committee, told reporters. “Capitalism? In the United States? I admit we’re in a downward cycle, but I think it’s a little too soon to push the panic button.”

“The business community remains deeply opposed to capitalism,” Harold McGraw, Chairman of the Business Roundtable, told the Dissociated Press. “It’s un-American. We need the government to direct, control, and manage the economy. When I think of capitalism, I think of businesses being forced to figure out for themselves how to be successful, ethical, and prudent, well, I just don’t see that happening. It just can’t happen here.”

“I understand that the idea of capitalism makes people nervous,” Bernanke said. “But the government got us into this mess, by either over-regulating or by being bought off by various business interests. If the economy doesn’t turn around with the help of the federal government, then capitalism may be unavoidable.”

Obese Teen Votes Himself Into Baseball's All-Star Game

Matthew Glensky, a 270-pound, 5 foot 7 inch high school student from Springfield, Illinois, voted himself onto the Major League Baseball All-Star Team and will play tonight for the American League.

"He manipulated the system," Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told a hastily assembled Bronx, New York news conference. "He created a computer program to write himself in over 4 million times in our fan voting on We had no choice but to give him a uniform. Fortunately, the game is in Yankee Stadium, so we had an old David Wells uniform in the laundry room."

This marked the first time that a non-major league baseball player had ever been on an All-Star team.

"We're thinking about having him catch Tim Wakefield," American League manager Terry Francona told the Dissociated Press. "He's got no arm, but he's wide."

Glensky took place in the All-Star Parade in Manhattan, where he was assigned his own float, due to his excessive weight. He will also receive an All-Star ring, made from two other rings soldered together in order to fit his excessively wide fingers.

Glensky, a self-described baseball statistics expert, says that his own sports involvement prior to this moment has been participating in fantasy baseball leagues online.

When reporters asked why Glensky had voted himself onto the All-Star team, he explained, "My mother told me to get some exercise."

"We'll obviously change the rules for next year," Selig said. "Baseball players only. I just wish I had thought of writing myself in. Maybe I can be the announcer, or work the scoreboard, or throw out the first pitch. I mean, I'm in at least as good shape as that fat kid, right?"

Monday, July 14, 2008

Tour de France Leader Suspended; Small Motor Found Attached to Bike

Raul Ibanez, leader by 32 seconds after 11 stages of the 2008 Tour de France, was suspended from the race after a random post-stage check of his bicycle revealed a small motor attached to the front wheel.

“He apparently told others in the peleton that he was being followed by a small swarm of bees,” Pierre Augustin, a spokesman for the race, told a hastily assembled Pain de Cou, France news conference.

Ibanez’ record time of 2:27:35 over a mountainous stage that Lance Armstrong had never completed in less than 4 hours led to suspicions about the Spanish biker.

“It was a very good time,” Augustin told reporters. “Maybe too good, we think. So we subjected M. Ibanez to drug testing, which he passed. But then when he was riding back to his hotel on his bike, a 7-year-old boy in the street heard the buzzing sound, and we investigated it at once.”

The Tour de France has been subject to repeated drug scandals as cyclists have sought to find an edge over their competitors, but no one could recall a bicycle mounted with a small engine on it. Critics have also expressed concerns that cyclists were still finding ways to cheat.

“M. Ibanez has violated the trust of the entire cycling community,” Augustin said. “We attempt to run a clean race. He went too fast. Thank goodness for that small child who heard the motor. Otherwise, we would never have found out.”

Report: 28% of Americans Under 25 Can’t Find George Bush On Map

A startling new study released today indicated that 36% of Americans under 25 believe that "GeorgeBush" is a physical location instead of the President of the United States and that most of those young people cannot identify "GeorgeBush" on a map.

Everett Stallmyer, Vice Chair For College Polling of the NCAA, told a hastily arranged Indianapolis news conference that more than a quarter of young Americans either did not know or did not believe, when informed by pollsters, that “George Bush” was actually a person, not a place, and was in fact the current President of the United States.

“We at the NCAA are fully aware of the miniscule knowledge base possessed by today’s college graduates,” Stallmyer said, “but this was shocking, even to us.”

Stallmyer said that 11% of those surveyed believed that “GeorgeBush” was either a small town in West Texas or a coastal fishing village in southern Maine. In related findings:

13% of Americans under 25 believe that the office of the President is currently vacant.

27% believe that Barack Obama has been President since June.

14% believe that Bill and Hillary Clinton are the same person.

18% believe that John McCain is the lead singer of a band whose name they cannot remember.

11% believe that George Bush was the King of England during the American Revolution, which took place, according to 45% of those polled, during the late 1970s.

Of the 32% of the Americans under 25 who say they will vote in the general election in November, 11 are registered.

“That’s 11 people,” Stallmyer explained, “not 11% percent. This leads us to believe that Presidential candidates courting the youth vote may wish to spend more time on voter registration drives, or at least on explaining to younger voters that if they do intend to vote, that registration is highly recommended.”

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Ebay, Fighting Slumping Revenue, OK's White Slavery, Adoption

Online auction giant eBay, fighting slumping revenue due to lost brand names including Dior, Guerlain, Givenchy and Kenzo, today reversed its position and permitted listings regarding white slavery and adoption.

"Now you can find who you want, not just what you want," Larry Kendle, an eBay spokesman told reporters at a hastily assembled Palo Alto news conference. "We now happily list adults with whom you can do whatever you please, as long as you come to mutually acceptable financial terms. And we're also committed to being the world's largest aftermarket for adoptable kids."

The typical eBay listing process will apply in both areas, Kendle explained. "People who want to offer themselves into a longterm paid physical relationship agreement, also known traditionally as white slavery, can list photos and accounts of what they like to do.

"As for children, we will list children the same way we list, say, toasters or iPhones. New, used, North American, worldwide--whatever people are looking for in an adopted child, they'll find it on eBay. And without the international travel, forms to fill out, high fees, or intrusive interviews that the traditional adoption process entails."

Kendle described the two new listings sections as "a human equivalent of eBay Motors. We were chagrined by the French court's decision to delist so many top brand names, so we needed something to do to bolster revenues. eBay is all about bringing people closer together. Now we're really bringing people closer. Way closer."

McCain Accidentally Marries 3 Times in 1 Week

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain last week married three different women in three different states, an embarassed spokesman told a hastily assembled Phoenix news conference.

"The Senator regrets the errors," Paul Eisenbach told reporters. "He wishes each of his three new brides the best, and is seeking annulments in each of his new marriages."

Senator McCain has recently been criticized for having met, pursued, and married his current wife while still being married to his first wife.

"Back when the Senator first met Cindy [his second wife]," Eisenbach explained, "he was still a little confused from his years of incarceration in a North Vietnamese prison camp. Psychologically, he wasn't sure if his first wife was actually his wife or a guard at the Hanoi Hilton, so in his mind he was free to pursue a new relationship."

This time, however, the Senator's three newest marriages "can only be described as carelessness," Eisenbach admitted. "He's been campaigning a lot, there are a lot of late nights, and frankly he forgets some things. But as President, he would have an entire Cabinet to remind him about important things, like where we're fighting a war and if we're winning or not."

Senator McCain's three new wifes each expressed "disappointment," according to a report in the Dissociated Press. "I would have loved to have been married to him," one of the wives, Vera McClendon, said. "He's a handsome and powerful man, although he kept calling me Kelly. In retrospect, I guess that should have been a warning sign."

In addition to the three marriages, Sen. McCain last week also accidentally opened up fifteen new bank accounts, bought six cars, and informed five members of Congress and his pet Rottweiler that each had been selected to run as Vice President on the Republican ticket this fall.

Friday, July 11, 2008

China: Families Burning American $100 Bills to Keep Warm

Peasant families in China have been keeping warm during a recent unseasonable summer cold snap by burning bales of U.S. $100 bills, according to a Chinese Electricity Board spokesman.

Shih Bao, the spokesman, told a hastily assembled Hong Kong news conference that families find it cheaper to use the American banknotes to heat their homes than pay increasingly expensive electricity bills.

"We are bringing in approximately $45 billion a month in foreigh exchange," Mr. Shih told reporters. "We are a big country, but there is simply no room for all this incoming cash."

Villagers told the Dissociated Press, "We are just trying to be frugal. The rapid growth of our country has pushed the cost of electricity sky high. The bales of U.S. currency are the least expensive way we have to keep our homes warm. And the ink and paper smell very nice when they burn."

China is "awash" in U.S. currency, Mr. Shih told reporters. "We feel bad that there are no other uses for it because the bills are too small to use around the house. We have tried to buy things with it, but Europeans and even the Japanese have no interest in it.

"Mao said, "Let a hundred flowers bloom.' But in today's China, it's 'Let a hundred dollars burn.' Our scientists are looking into ways to convert U.S. currency into fuel for our automobiles, but until then, at least it keeps our families warm at a very low cost for us. We think Benjamin Franklin, whose picture is on the bill, would be proud."

Iran Prez: Missile Firings Meant To Impress Jodie Foster

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told a hastily assembled Teheran news conference that his nation's missile tests were meant only as a gesture of his infatuation with Hollywood star Jodie Foster.

"She is beautiful," Ahmadinejad told reporters. "I wish only to impress her with my love for her. I would blow up half the world to meet her."

Recent missile tests by Iran have been misinterpreted as bellicose gestures toward the West and toward Israel, but Ahmadinejad said that all of the analysts were wrong.

"America is our friend and our biggest customer," he said. "I don't mind the fact that oil prices keep rising. And if our missiles make oil more expensive, it only makes us more rich. But the missiles? I did them for Jodie. Does she even know I'm alive? You Americans know so little of the world beyond your borders."

Some analysts have noticed the coincidence that John Hinckley, Jr., the individual who shot President Ronald Reagan in 1982, also had a similar obsession with the actress and director. Ahmadinejad told reporters that he was aware that Hinckley was also infatuated with her, but was not impressed with the would-be Presidential assassin.

"Hinckley's father was in the oil business," Ahmadinejad said. "I am the oil business."

When asked if he had other romantic interests in Hollywood, in particular Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, Ahmadinejad demurred.

"I would halt our entire nuclear program just to have a coffee with Jodie," Ahmadinejad confided. "Her movies are so intelligent. I will continue to fire missiles until her people call my people. One coffee. Is that too much to ask?"

Gore Denounces Pickens’ “Risky Wind Scheme”, Fearing Global Cooling

Former Vice President Al Gore today denounced T. Boone Pickens’ plan for giant wind farms, at a hastily assembled Nashville news conference, claiming that the “risky wind scheme” would trigger a dangerous level of global cooling.

“Pickens wants to inherit the wind,” Gore said, clutching an unopened bag of Mallomars. “But the rest of us are going to get blown away. Creating thousands of new wind farms will cause the average world temperature to drop by two degrees a year. With all that wind, the world could be in a new ice age by 2015.”

Gore explained that global cooling takes place when enough wind is harnessed to create two effects. First, the air that is harnessed actually makes the world significantly cooler. Second, enough air can actually blow the world off course and create a wobble in its orbit that would push us further from the sun.

“Global cooling is a frightening concept,” Gore told reporters. “We must work to free ourselves from dependence not just on foreign oil but on domestic wind. Otherwise, the polar ice caps will end up expanding all the way to sub-Saharan Africa by the year 2020.”

Gore explained that he had a plan for realigning America’s energy sources involving neither foreign oil nor wind.

“The Gore plan,” he told reporters, while sneakily trying to open the Mallomars bag behind his back, fooling no one, incidentally, “is based on converting cow-created methane into fuel. If we keep eating enough meat, we can be energy self-sufficient by the year 2525. And the world will be just like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Not too warm. Not too cool. Just right. Um, anybody got a pair of scissors? This thing is so vacuum-packed I can’t open it. Yikes.”

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dodgers Celebrate O’Malley Hall of Fame Induction By Moving Back to Brooklyn

“We’re coming home,” Dodgers owner Frank McCourt jubilantly told a hastily assembled Brooklyn, New York news conference. “The Dodgers are returning to Brooklyn, and we’ll break ground on a new Ebbets Field on July 27.”

McCourt was referring to the date of the Baseball Hall of Fame induction of the late Walter O’Malley, the Dodgers owner who shocked the sports world by moving the Dodgers to Chavez Ravine.

“The Dodgers are a terrible sports team in a town of winners,” McCourt said. “People in L.A. expect you to win all the time. That’s unbearable pressure for a franchise. In New York, there’s a much greater tolerance for brutally awful teams. The Mets, the Jets and the Nets? The Rangers? Even the Yankees haven’t won this century. It’s a perfect city for sports underachievers.”

McCourt told reporters that when O’Malley moved the Dodgers out of Brooklyn in 1958, “the sports landscape in L.A. was almost empty. You had college football, and the Rams, but it wasn’t a big deal. You didn’t have the Internet following your every move. The Dodgers are losers, and L.A. has no tolerance for losers.”

McCourt said that he intended to level Dodger Stadium and turn the area back into lower and middle income housing, as it was prior to the team’s arrival. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “buying the Dodgers was strictly a real estate play. The team loses everywhere but in the real estate market. You’ll love the new Chavez Ravine Estates—we’ve been planning it since I bought the team.”

Asked whether loyal West Coast Dodger fans would be heartbroken by the team’s return to Brooklyn, McCourt shook his head. “Anyone dumb enough to be a Dodgers fan these days can watch us on the Internet. Or they can go root for the Clippers. They’re just like our team, only taller.”

Wealthiest Americans Announce “Working Class Appreciation Day” Celebration

A spokesman for America’s wealthiest individuals and families announced at a hastily assembled Jackson Hole, Wyoming news conference that August 31 would be “Working Class Appreciation Day” with festivities across the nation.

“We couldn’t have done it without you,” Trey Wingold III told reporters. “If it weren’t for all the hard-working Americans who have sacrificed so mightily for the wealthy, we’d still be stuck in the upper middle class.”

Wingold specifically cited the willingness of working class people to take on dangerous, repetitive, and even dirty jobs for relatively low pay, just to maintain the high standards of wealth of America’s most affluent.

“We’re going to have events across the country to say thank you,” Wingold said. “Thank you for cleaning our yachts. Thank you for raising our children. Thank you for making sure that the highways are clean for our drivers, and thank you for being our drivers.”

The events will include traditional picnic-style meals with opportunities to meet actual wealthy Americans, fireworks, concerts, and other special gifts. The working class people who attend will be permitted to view the money they have provided the affluent in the form of wealth transfers via the stock market, taxes, and other means. The money will be stacked up on tables protected by heavily armed guards, themselves also members of the working class.

“The highlight of the festivities,” Wingold concluded, “will be a nationwide raffle. We’re giving away ten trips to India and China. We want people who are now out of work, thanks to the one-sided trade agreements that have made so many of us so incredibly wealthy, to have the opportunity to go to those countries and visit their old jobs.”

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dog Tracks Post Record Half Year Earnings

The American Dog Racing Association announced at a hastily arranged Charleston, West Virginia news conference that the first six months of 2008 “was our strongest half-year ever.”

Don Chardom, a spokesman for the ADRA, told reporters that “The economy may be going to the dogs, but fortunately for us, so are Americans. Dog tracks are doing better than ever, maybe because when our kind of people get unemployed, they come to us to while away their idle days.”

The cry of “There goes swifty!”, triggering a swarm of hungry greyhounds chasing after a mechanical rabbit, was heard in more tracks by more racegoers than ever, Chardom said. “Just like our tracks, our industry is counter-cyclical,” he told reporters. “The worse things get in the world, the more people come to see our beautiful dogs race.”

The key to the industry’s success, Chardom said, was a lack of oversight on the part of the animal rights community.

“I don’t know how we keep flying, or racing, under the radar,” Chardom confided. “If they knew how badly we treated the dogs, we’d be out of business in a New York minute.”

Chardom cited as possible concerns for the animal rights community the following: starving the dogs prior to races to make them run faster; injecting them with growth drugs and other stimulants; feeding them inadequate or poor quality feed; and disposing inhumanely of dogs that could no longer race competitively.

“How we don’t get beaten up on for what we do is a puzzlement to all of us,” Chardom admitted. “Maybe we’re just too low class for the animal rights people to even notice we’re out here. Whatever it is, I say, great.”

In other news, former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick declared bankruptcy today from his prison cell in Atlanta.

Rev. Jackson Apologizes For Obama Remarks, Other Stuff

The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized today to an extremely hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference for remarks he made on a live microphone to another guest on a Fox News broadcast about Sen. Barack Obama.

"Barack, he's talking down to black people,” Jackson had whispered, not realizing his microphone was live, and then he added that he would like to “cut off” Sen. Barack’s male appendage.

“That’s not what I said,” Rev. Jackson insisted. “I actually said I wanted to cut off his microphone, because of the nature of his comments. People must have misunderstood what I said. I’m no surgeon. I’m no doctor, except of divinity.”

The Obama campaign accepted Rev. Jackson’s apology, but Rev. Jackson took the opportunity for some other things he has said and done in the news conference.

“I’m sorry I brought my pregnant girlfriend to the White House to visit Bill Clinton in the Oval Office when he was going out with the fat chick,” he said. “That was wrong.”

“I’m sorry I hugged Yasir Arafat, back when he was considered a terrorist and before he was considered a man of peace and a visionary,” Jackson added. “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I picketed Budweiser over racial hiring issues but stopped picketing them once they gave my son his own brewery,” he added. The reporters, almost hypnotized by Rev. Jackson’s delivery, chorused with him, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I referred to New York during the 1984 Presidential campaign as Hymietown when what I really meant to say wasn’t New York but Jew York,” and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I transferred the mantle of unofficial leadership of the African American community to Al Sharpton, whose perm makes me squirm, and who never took responsibility for his role in the shameful Tawana Brawley incident,” he added, and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry that I essentially extort millions of dollars from American corporations as ‘donations’ to Operation Push in a Mafia-inspired guarantee of racial peace,” he added, and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry that I never had the guts or the statesmanship to come to power in a legitimate way, as Barack Obama has, instead of by jumping over the rest of the African American leadership after the death of Martin Luther King, Jr.,” he added, his voice thundering, and the reporters chorused, “That was wrong.”

“And I’m sorry I now have to make an apology tour,” Rev. Jackson concluded wearily, “in which I must go personally to Michael Richard, Mel Gibson, and Michelle Obama, and beg their forgiveness. Of course, I am available for running as Vice President in case Senator Obama wants a real black man for the ticket. Oops, I did it again.”

ESPN Attacks, Overruns North Korea

ESPN, the self-styled “Worldwide Leader In Sports”, took a major step forward in its quest to become the Worldwide Leader, Period, by attacking and overrunning North Korea, which is now in the hands of the Bristol, Connecticut broadcasting juggernaut.

“They were no match for our nattily attired broadcast teams, sardonic wit laced with irony, and cutting edge computer-generated graphics,” Cindy Richardson, a spokeswoman for the network, told a hastily assembled Pyongyang news conference. “They surrendered like the Communist running dogs we suspected them to be.”

Not satisfied with dominating the sports broadcasting environment, ESPN overran North Korea “in a matter of hours,” Richardson boasted, its first step toward eventual total world domination.

“The people of North Korea have been liberated from the brutal totalitarian regime that enslaved them and kept them in dire poverty for decades,” Richardson proclaimed. “Now they can enjoy Mike and Mike in the mornings, Peter Gammons, and SportsCenter, like the rest of the free world.”

The takeover of North Korea makes ESPN the first nuclear sports broadcasting superpower and continues the dismantling of President George W. Bush’s “Axis of Evil” that began with the Iraq War. Iran, Richardson declared, will henceforth be known as the “Last Evil Guy Standing.”

“Like all successful enterprises, we are hungry for more,” Richardson warned. “North Korea is the first but not the last country we will liberate in the name of Baseball Tonight and Stephen A. Smith. Our message to Teheran is simple: Be afraid. Be very afraid.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

McCain Sings La Bamba Lyrics To Puzzled Hispanic Group

"Yo no soy marinero," Sen. John McCain told a hastily assembled and deeply puzzled audience at the
League of United Latin American Citizens convention in Washington. "Soy capitan. Soy capitan, soy capitan."

The Hispanic audience was deeply puzzled by McCain's recitation of the lyrics to the second verse of the Richie Valens classic, "La Bamba."

"We think maybe it had to do with his military service," Enrique Ramos, a spokesman for the group, told the Dissociated Press. "That whole thing about 'I'm not a sailor, I'm the captain.' Or maybe it had to do with his thyroid. Either way, at least he didn't start dancing."

Attendees of the closed-door speech said that Sen. McCain spent the first three minutes of his speaking time staring blankly into space, then recited the La Bamba lyrics, and finally turned to the subject of his speech, comprehensive immigration reform.

"It's hard to understand exactly what he was saying," Romas told the Dissociated Press. "But we think he's in favor of a high wall that stretches around the complete border of the United States, including alongside Canada and both the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. At least that's what the Senator seemed to be saying.

"He also said he wanted doors and windows in the wall," Ramos added, "so that people could get through. And he said that he was gratified at the drop in the number of illegal immigrants but alarmed at the recent increase in undocumented workers."

Ramos said McCain spent the final three minutes staring into space before breaking into an evocative rendition of Ben E. King's 1961 classic, "(There is) A Rose In Spanish Harlem."

A-Rod Converts to Orthodox Judaism; Madonna Says “He’s Gone Too Far”

Hoping to please the Kaballah-studying superstar Madonna, divorcing Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez has converted to Orthodox Judaism and is studying Jewish law in an unnamed Brooklyn rabbinical school.

“He’s gone too far,” the despondent singer told reporters at a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference. “I just wanted him to get into the mystical side of Judaism. But he’s such a ‘swing for the fences’ kind of guy, he couldn’t hold back. He’s converting, and he’s going for ordination as an Orthodox rabbi.”

Rodriguez, on the disabled list for the first time in eight years, told the Yankees he suffered a “groin injury.” Madonna told reporters that the mysterious “groin injury” is actually a result of an aspect of his conversion to Judaism.

“He’s healing nicely,” she said. “The only problem is that now that he’s Orthodox, he’s won’t be alone with me in a confined space anymore. But that’s A-Rod for you. He never does anything by half.”

Madonna said that Rodriguez will no longer participate in games or team travel that take place on the Jewish Sabbath or during the High Holidays.

“Reggie Jackson was Mr. October,” Madonna said. “I guess A-Rod, or Adon ben Reuven, as he now calls himself, will be Mr. Tishrei [a reference to the Hebrew month that usually begins in early fall].”

Madonna told reporters that Rodriguez, whose rabbinical studies will be complete in the year 2010, expects her to comply with Jewish law and not perform concerts on Friday nights or Saturdays.

“Why couldn’t he have just been satisfied with our little Friday night dinners,” the singer asked plaintively, “a few bottles of Kaballah water, some blessings and meditation, and then some monkey-style sex? I mean, it was good enough for Jose Canseco, wasn’t it?”

Monday, July 7, 2008

Bush Seeks To Improve Relations With India By Offering Them Casinos

President George W. Bush told a hastily assembled Mumbai, India news conference that he intends to improve U.S.-India relations by inviting Harrah's and MGM Grand to build casinos in the city.

"At home, we let our Indians have casinos," the President told reporters. "So I think you guys might like 'em, too. All of our Indians are clamoring for casinos. They provide jobs, much needed income, and help people on and off the reservation. You've got a lot of poor people here. I mean, a whole lot. More'n I've ever seen. Sprinkle a few casinos into the mix and you could be the next China."

The Bush Administration has painstakingly worked to improve U.S.-Indian relations in recent years, a major foreign policy initiative developed to counter the growing dominance of China and Japan in the region. The President's visit was arranged to announce new ties between the the U.S. and India; Mr. Bush's comments about casinos were not found in his prepared remarks.

"Yeah, you're basically a few blackjack tables away from eradicating the dire poverty you guys have over here," the President said. "You're kind of a hop, skip and a jump from a lot of Chinese cities, and those people like to gamble. Pai gow, mah jong. That kind of thing. It could help your tourism, too. Maybe add in a little luxury shopping and some Vegas-like shows. All I've seen here so far are poor people. I kept asking Laura, 'What exactly do you think the Beatles saw in this place? I mean, imagine leaving London in the '60s for this place? No offense intended, of course."

When told that traditional Indian culture forbade casino-styling gambling, the President replied, "You're saying that now. It's funny--that's what all the Indians said in my country, too. Just wait 'til my boy Steve Wynn gets over here. Maybe he can coax Siegfried and Roy out of retirement, or at least the one of them that didn't get bitten. You've got a lot of tigers over here--they could make some of them disappear, you know."

The President completed his visit to Mumbai with the comment that "This city looks a whole hellava lot like another Indian city, um, Bombay. Name even sounds the same or close to it. Y'all ought to look into that. Could be confusing for the casino developers."

When told that Mumbai was the new name for the city of Bombay, the President offered a terse "No comment."


Sunday, July 6, 2008

CIA Admits Outsourcing Intelligence Functions To Domino's Pizza

The Director of Central Intelligence today admitted a hastily assembled Langley, Virginia news conference that the CIA had outsourced more than $3 billion of its budget for gathering national security intelligence to the parent company that controls Domino's Pizza.

"Terrorists love pepperoni," Michael V. Hayden told reporters. "Especially when they're about to attack something. And who'd ever think a pizza guy was wired for sound, with a camera in his backwards-facing baseball cap?"

Hayden was responding to reports that 70% of the entire U.S. intelligence budget has been outsourced to private companies in the years since 9/11, and that the entire U.S. intelligence community was serving as a "training service" for employees who left to make more money in the private sector.

"We're actually trying to be frugal," Hayden insisted. "You get a company like Booz Allen and you're paying out millions of dollars a year for spying services. We get Domino's Pizza delivery guys providing valuable intel for just $11 an hour, plus tips. And unlike your typical James Bond-type spy, who drives expensive sports cars, these people bring their own Toyota Corollas and Honda Fits. We don't even pay for gas."

Asked whether national security was being jeopardized, due to the overwhelming outsourcing of intelligence gathering, analysis, and even torturing of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay and the infamous Abu Gharib prison in Iraq, Hayden said, "We can't spy if we can't buy."

Hayden told reporters, "Look. In a perfect world, the U.S. government does its own spying. But in an even more perfect world, we catch the guys who did 9/11 even before they struck. I've got one question for people who criticize the outsourcing of intelligence: Do you really want your country's spying done by the same kind of bureaucrats who run the Postal Service? If that's how you feel, then you can kiss the Golden Gate Bridge, the Internet, Kennedy Airport, and your own ass goodbye."

Bush Announces 127 Layoffs in Congress and Senate

Responding to the Federal Government's need to cope with a sluggish economy, President Bush told a hastily arranged Washington, D.C. press conference that the jobs of 85 members of Congress and 42 Senators would be eliminated.

"We've all got to do our part," the President told reporters. "The high cost of gas, combined with the housing crisis and the overall economic slowdown, are hurting all Americans. It's regrettable, but we can no longer employ the full amount of Congresspeople and Senators as in the past."

Bush cited the need for fewer new laws during an economic slowdown as the primary justification for the layoffs. "People are doing less stuff," Bush said. "They're driving less, working less, spending less. So they just don't need as much new legislation."

Bush denied that the layoffs were primarily symbolic in nature. "We think we'll save at least $14 million, between salaries, benefits, heating and air conditioning offices on Capitol Hill, and the free mailing privilege Congresspeople enjoy. Man, those dudes send an awful lot of mail."

In remarks not found in his prepared text, Bush described the firings, effective in 60 days, as "not an out-sizing or a down-sizing but a right sizing. Too many cooks spoil the soup, or whatever the expression is, and too many lawmakers make, um, too many laws."

When a reporter asked the President why all of the fired Congresspeople were Democrats with the most liberal voting records in both the House and Senate, Bush offered a terse "no comment."

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Barry Bonds Disguises Self As Little-Known White Baseball Player to Continue Career

Barry Bonds, baseball's controversial home run king, admitted to a hastily assembled San Francisco news conference that he had been disguising himself as a little-known Caucasian ballplayer in order to prolong his career with the Giants and possibly attract attention from other teams.

"I've seen the error of my ways," Bonds told reporters. "Nobody wants a headline-grabbing, steroids-abusing, tax-evading, home run hitter who has his own Barcalounger in the clubhouse. So it's true--I have been disguising myself as 'Bobby Holcomb,' a really average baseball player but kind of a rah-rah team guy, to get another shot at the majors."

In 98 appearances with the Giants this so far, "Holcomb" has smacked 64 home runs and gotten 14 doubles and eleven triples. He has yet to strike out.

"We suspected something was unusual, given the way Holcomb was swinging the bat," Giants manager Bruce Bochy told the Dissociated Press. "It was also weird, 'cause no one had ever played with the guy in the minor leagues. And the fact that he wouldn't shower at the ballpark or get out of his uniform, and that he wore batting gloves on both hands all the time, definitely had us thinking, too."

Giants team spokesman Brad Litvish told reporters at Bonds's news conference, "We knew it was Bonds by early May, when he already had 37 home runs. But it was one of those don't ask, don't tell things. The fans were loving it, and he was the one bright spot in our lineup. So we figured, let's ride this thing for as long as we can."

"Holcomb" gave himself away when signing an autograph for a child, "Barry Bonds." The father of the child told "Holcomb" that "You're not Bonds," and the veteran home run slugger at that point broke down weeping.

Bonds said he got the idea for disguising himself as a white ballplayer from a Damon Wayans movie in which the actor plays a white undercover officer.

"Look at it this way," Bonds said philosophically. "Maybe we can hope that Barry Zito is actually Dave Stewart, doing the same thing I was doing. It's our only chance at making the post-season."

Greenspan Criticized In New Book As Fed Chair And As Lover

Former Fed Chair Alan Greenspan became the target of criticism for both his role as director of the U.S. economy and also as a romantic individual, according to Jacqueline Andrews, a high level Fed official who claimed a "special relationship" with Greenspan that lasted throughout his 19 years in office.

"Sometimes he pushed too hard, and sometimes he didn't push hard enough," Andrews told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "I'm referring both to his setting of interest rates and also in terms of his performance in the boudoir."

Greenspan, long credited with expanding the American economy, today is accused of policy choices that led to the overheating and then the crash of both the stock market in 2001 and the housing market in the last two years.

"He gets things overheated," Andrews said, "and then, yes, things crash. I'm talking about in the Federal Open Market Committee, where Alan set interest rates, and in our suite at the Hay-Adams Hotel. He always means well, but he gets that irrational exuberance going, and the letdown is always pretty severe."

Andrews called the news conference to announce the publication of her memoir, "What Goes Up Must Come Down, And Usually Way Too Soon," the story of her affair with the bespectacled Fed chair.

"I don't want to tell you what to do with your money," Andrews told a reporter, asking for Greenspan's current economic outlook. "But Alan's big on commodities like gold and silver. He's a nice guy, but I'm afraid he gives new meaning to the term 'going short.' You dig?"

Obama Admits, Denies Waffling on Iraq Pullout Date

Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama today both admitted and denied to a hastily assembled Butte, Montana news conference that he had waffled on his position regarding pulling all troops out of Iraq within 16 months of taking office.

"It all depends on what you mean by 'troops,'" Obama told reporters. "If by 'troops' you mean 'all forces,' I didn't say that. If you mean 'some of the soldiers but not all of them,' I think that's what my nuanced position entails."

Obama heatedly denied that his recent conversation with former President Clinton had given him a new outlook on what words mean.

"That depends on what you mean by 'conversation,'" Obama said. "If you mean that President Clinton and I talked, yes, that's true. But if you mean that he and I exchanged ideas in the course of speaking English sentences to each other, I think that's more than my nuanced position entails."

President Clinton and Senator Obama had experienced a contentious relationship throughout the primary campaign, but it appears now that the two men have found "common ground," a reporter noted.

"That depends on what you mean by 'common ground,'" Obama cautioned. "If you mean that the former President and I found ways to agree on things about which we had disagreed in the past, that would be my nuanced position. But if you mean that he and I agree on everything and don't disagree on anything, well, that would be something about which I would not be in agreement."

When a reporter asked if President Cliinton's famous ability to torture the English language, so that he could appear to be saying one thing but was actually saying the opposite, had rubbed off on Sen. Obama after just a single phone call, the Senator replied, "That all depends on what you mean by 'ability to torture the English language.'"

Senator Obama told reporters that he and President Clinton would be playing golf together during the July 4 holiday weekend and then interviewing potentilal Presidential interns, and that President Clinton would be keeping score, but that all depended on "what you meant by keeping score," the Senator said, "and on what you meant by 'interviewing interns.' I hope I've made myself perfectly clear."

Friday, July 4, 2008

Jesse Helms, Discovering Heaven Is Desegregated, Announces "Return" To Earth

The late Senator Jesse Helms told reporters in a hastily assembled Durham, North Carolina seance that "Heaven is desegregated, which is morally wrong, and I'm not staying."

He made immediate plans to return to Earth, insisting to God that he be placed in America in the "late 1930s at the latest, when life was good and people knew their place, if you know what I mean."

Helms said that he was "extremely disappointed with God" for allowing black and white souls to mingle in public places in heaven, including swimming pools, water fountains, public transportation, and movie theaters.

"Doesn't God read His own book?" Helms asked plaintively. "The lion doesn't lie down with the lamb, and I don't lie down with anybody. I'm coming back."

God was not immediately available for comment.

Charlie Crist Engaged; Also Cleans Out Garage and Gets Rid of Dirty Magazines

Florida Governor Charlie Crist angrily denied rumors that he had become engaged just to be more acceptable as a potential Republican Vice Presidential candidate, at a hastily arranged Tallahassee news conference.

He also angrily denied having cleaned out his garage, cancelling his subscription to Penthouse, getting a bikini wax, quitting the Tallahassee swingers club "Manhole" and hiring a team of teenage Internet experts to expunge from Google all information about his political record and personal life.

"I resent the idea that people think I'm changing my lifestyle or getting married just because I want to be Vice President," Crist told reporters. "My fiancee and I are marrying out of true love."

Governor Crist's fiancee, who decided to move to the United States from the Ukraine "approximately eleven hours ago," according to Crist, speaks no English and reportedly only met Crist after he downloaded multiple photographs and videos of her from an Internet website he accessed at a Kinko's near the Governor's Mansion in Tallahassee.

"I believe in love at first sight," Crist told reporters. "Svetlana and I have not known each other very long. In fact, we don't know each other at all. But she is the woman of my dreams, and the fact that her semi-nude photos have been downloaded from the Internet at the rate of approximately 10,000 times an hour in no way diminish my love and respect for her."

Political observers had angered Crist by commenting that the 51-year-old bachelor would have an easier time gaining the Vice Presidential spot on the Republican ticket if he were married.

Crist suggested that the allegation that he was "turning his entire life upside down, just for the sake of poll numbers," in the words of one expert, were "total poppycock."

"Svetlana is clearly a good Christian woman," Crist said, "despite her past as photography model and escort for important and wealthy Russian businessmen and leading Russian politicians. In fact, I see that past as a plus, as she will be able to provide the McCain administration with valuable insights into the private lives of Russian leaders. She's kind of a walking Rolodex of the Kremlin, if you catch my drift."

When asked how he could be so certain that Svetlana would be the ideal mate for a sitting Governor and potential Vice Presidential candidate, even though they had yet to meet face-to-face, due to a delay in her connecting flight from Kiev to Moscow, Crist told reporters, "It's what my grandmother used to tell me: be optimistic. Love will come."

Thursday, July 3, 2008

World: We’ll Forgive You For Iraq If You’ll Just Like Soccer

A spokesman for the United Nations told a hastily assembled Geneva, Switzerland news conference that “The world will forgive the United States for its reckless, pointless Iraq War if the United States would only just embrace soccer.”

Gunter Federkorn, chair of the United Nations International Sports Federation, told reporters that the other nations of the world “suffer from a collective lack of self-esteem because you think soccer is a stupid game played by poor people. Okay, it may not be as tactically complex as American football, but it’s no stupider than, say, ice hockey.”

Federkorn said that the rest of the world “felt bad” that Americans had never responded to the world’s most popular sport, despite the recent arrival of soccer star David Beckham and his wife, a former singer.

“On the other hand,” Federkorn said, “the rest of the world feels that the United States is incredibly stupid for having a war in Iraq without having a plan for what to do after declaring victory. So what’s stupider, us liking soccer or you guys having that dumb war?”

Federkorn said the United Nations was interested in brokering an international treaty of non-stupidity-believing, in which other nations of the world would try to keep a straight face while repeating President Bush’s claim that the war was justifiable and Senator John McCain’s claim that the war was winnable, in exchange for Americans “getting up really early in the morning, say around five a.m., going to a local pub or bar, and watching a friendly between, say, Jamaica and Italy.

“The point is that we all sometimes like dumb things,” Federkorn said. “We like watching eleven men kicking a ball around and maybe there will be a goal or two scored, and maybe there will be that mysterious ‘extra time’ that our referees sometimes add. You like interfering with thousand-year-old tribal disagreements in a nation half a world away. Can’t we all just get along?”

LA Times’ Last Reader Cancels Subscription; Paper Folds

“It’s time to end this miserable charade,” L.A. Times owner Sam Zell told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills news conference. “The Los Angeles Times has lost its last subscriber. As they say in Hollywood, it’s a wrap.”

Zell bought the Times last year and when the circulation was still over 1,000,000 readers daily. The collapse of the southern California real estate market, an important source of advertising, combined with the slowing national economy, led to a gradual loss of all subscribers since the beginning of 2008.

“It’s too bad, because it’s a really good paper,” Zell said. “It’s been a tough year. First we had to lay off all but two reporters, one for general news and one for sports. Then we had to reprint real estate sections from two years ago, with the prices marked down considerably, just to make the paper look thick enough.

“Then we had to lay off all our drivers, except the one who had our last subscriber, who was out in Rancho Cucamonga. Every morning, that poor bastard had to drive all the way to that place, wherever the hell it is, maybe out by Lake Elsinore. Going out was easy, because he was leaving at four in the morning. But the ride home was horrible, because he was in rush hour traffic. But what are you gonna do? That subscriber was the last of our revenue.”

Zell said the website would remain available, although readers would now be free to post stories “like on that new website, Wikipedia. If you find out about a traffic jam, let us know. One thing you can count on—you won’t be breathing exhaust from our trucks any longer. It’s the end of an era.”

The L.A. Times’ final subscriber, Everett Holcumb of 16215 Sandford Lane, Rancho Cucamonga, told the Dissociated Press, "I had no idea I was the last one. I liked the paper a lot. It's just that the delivery guy kept throwing it under my car."

Report: Many Olympic Hopefuls Have Heartwarming Personal Stories

Many athletes hoping to compete this summer on the U.S. Olympic Team in Beijing have heartwarming personal stories, a USA Olympics spokesperson told a hastily assembled Colorado Springs news conference, and many have even “overcome long odds” to make the team.

“Our athletes come from broken homes, divorced homes, and in a few cases, no homes at all,” Martha Segerstrom told reporters. “Some of them actually grew up in large cardboard boxes amid the tumbleweeds adjacent to their running tracks.”

“One of our athletes won a marathon in high school on two broken legs, while pushing his ailing grandmother in a wheelchair,” Segerstrom said. “I mean, how heartwarming is that?”

Other athletes “grew up in unheated log cabins in northern Minnesota,” Segerstrom noted, “did not eat until they were nine years old, were abused by their entire communities, and another was not allowed to speak until she was 12. And yet, now they’re on their way to represent America in Beijing.”

Segerstrom heatedly denied accusations that the touching stories of the athletes’ lives had been exaggerated, in order to draw attention to the Summer Olympics, which typically lose out in ratings battles to shows like American Idol and Survivor.

The Summer Olympics mostly focuses on sports to which Americans pay little attention, including track and field, equestrian events, and swimming. Some observers have suggested that the touching and heartwarming personal stories have been enhanced in order to create rapport between television viewers and unknown athletes.

“It’s not about ratings,” Segerstrom insisted. “It’s about letting Americans know that when it comes to athletes who have been gone through hell to get to the Olympics, countries like China and Russia have nothing on us.”

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

California Weighs Alternatives to “Dysfunctional” Death Penalty Process

Governor Arnold Schwartzneggar told a hastily assembled Sacramento news conference that California must find alternatives to its death penalty process, declared “dysfunctional” by a state commission this week.

“We aren’t killing enough people,” Schwartzneggar admitted. “We can do better.”

The commission said that California could save $100 million a year if it repaired or abandoned its current approach to the death penalty, which takes on average 17 years from sentencing to killing, compared with a national average of 10 years.

“First, we must make better use of the inmates’ skills,” Schwartzneggar told reporters. “Remember that most of them have been convicted of murder. So we could have them killing each other, at a much lower cost. I mean, $100 million a year? Some of these guys killed for as little as fifty bucks.

“Second,” Schwartzneggar said, “we have horrible cost overruns on our new death row at San Quentin--$400 million instead of $220 million. And with the high cost of gas, operating a gas chamber will be even more expensive.

“So we can go back to more traditional, and in my opinion, more humane ways of executing prisoners, such as throwing them from the tops of prisons, and turn the new death row into condos. The gas chamber could be turned into a sauna for the remaining prisoners or something like that.”

The panel also noted that California has an extremely large number of crimes that carry the death penalty. “Maybe there are alternatives that we can explore to the death penalty for some of these crimes,” Schwartzneggar suggested. “Just make them move to Sacramento. In my experience, that’s punishment enough.”

Spokeschild: “We Told You Tomatoes Were No Good”

A 7-year-old spokeschild for America’s 73 million children today told a hastily assembled Vidalia, California news conference, that America’s children had already told their parents that tomatoes were “bad for you” and “yucky.”

“The salmonella outbreak comes as no surprise to any of us under the age of 12,” Jason Schaumberg, founder of Kids Against Vegetables, told reporters. “We’ve been telling our parents for years that tomatoes are disgusting.”

When asked by a reporter how children responded to the claim that tomatoes, like all vegetables, were in fact “good for you,” Schaumberg scrunched up his face and explained that he, like most children, “hated” vegetables.

“We have nothing against tomato growers and stuff,” Schaumberg said. “But we’re actually kind of hoping that the salmonella outbreak spreads to other types of vegetables, especially celery and spinach. Spinach sucks.”

A reporter asked Schaumberg if he was allowed to use that kind of language at home, and whether he considered it appropriate as the head of an organization purporting to represent 73 million children.

“None of your beeswax,” Schaumberg told the assembled media. “You’re not my parents. You can’t make me.”

Asked whether he and other children might be at risk for diseases like scurvy, which can be traced to a lack of vegetables in the diet, Schaumberg replied, “Pirates don’t eat vegetables, and they don’t get scurvy. We’ve actually hired research scientists to look into other possible dangers to children, such as limiting the amount of time we can use our PlayStations and iPods, early bedtime, and school. Today, tomatoes. Tomorrow… babysitters and substitute teachers. We’re just coming into our power."

Schaumberg ended the press conference early, citing a need to go to the little boy's room.