Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Caroline Kennedy Named Senator Of Both New York and Illinois

The Governors of New York and Illinois, acting separately, today appointed Caroline Kennedy to open U.S. Senate seats in both states, both of which appointments she accepted.

If Ms. Kennedy’s appointments are approved by the U.S. Senate, she will be the first Senator in history to represent two states at the same time.

“I don’t see a problem or a conflict,” Ms. Kennedy said. “Both states have big cities and small towns, so they pretty much have the same sets of problems. I don’t see myself having to vote against the interests of one state to protect the other.”

Ms. Kennedy said that having two states to represent was “perfect. This way, I get to have one vote for my conscience and the other for the sense of political expediency that has driven my entire political career, which so far is about two weeks old.”

According to her account of events leading to her nomination, Ms. Kennedy prevailed upon New York Governor David Paterson by reminding that “she was a Kennedy and he damned well better appoint her, or she’ll do Kennedy stuff to him.”

In Illinois, Ms. Kennedy made a seven-figure donation to the legal defense fund of struggling Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

“The donation and my appointment are two entirely different and unconnected matters,” Ms. Kennedy insisted. “He is being railroaded for a crime that my family has been committing for generations with impunity, and I thought that wasn’t fair.”

Ms. Kennedy, who at her request will be referred to as “Senator Senator Kennedy,” or “Double Senator Kennedy,” or “Senator Squared,” will take office “as soon as a set of offices in the Hart Office Building large enough both for my two staffs and my overarching sense of entitlement becomes available.”

Monday, December 29, 2008

Straight People Will Stage Own Oscars, To Be Called “Waynies”

Ed Hookstratton, a spokesman for the heterosexual community, told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference that straight people were “tired of having our lifestyles minimized and marginalized on Oscar night” and would conduct their own movie award ceremony, which they will call the “Waynies.”

Hookstratton told reporters that heterosexuals were “a large majority with serious spending power that the Hollywood studios needed to take more notice of. The Waynies is our attempt to say, ‘Where are our stories? Why can’t we go to the movies and see our lifestyles depicted without shame or embarrassment?’”

The Waynies, named for pioneering heterosexual actor John Wayne, will be an evening honoring films “that tell the positive side of straight culture,” Hookstratton promised. “I mean, there’s more to us than procreating, bowling, and going to war. We’re individuals, and we want to be seen for more than our sexuality and our social habits.”

Hookstratton admitted that heterosexuals have “all but fallen off Hollywood’s radar in recent years. I mean, Brokeback Mountain and Milk and movies like that took us all by surprise. We all went and took our wives. We’re not saying we don’t want less gay-themed stuff. We just want to have a chance to see a couple on a movie screen and say, ‘They look like us.’”

Hookstratton said that the Waynies would take place “the night before the Oscars, so people can have a choice of straight- or gay-themed Best Picture, Best Actress, and so on. We won’t be handing out technical awards because that kind of transcends sexuality. We’re just saying we’re here, we’re not very loud, we’re not even all that proud, but darn it, we just want to have movies that we can take our kids to and not spend the whole drive home explaining.”

The name the “Waynies,” Hookstratton told reporters, came from an online contest at a straight-themed website “that also attracted some crossover voting from the gay community, which was fine with us.

“Their first choice for our awards night was the Breeder’s Cup, but we found out that the horse people had already taken that name already. My sense is that Breeder’s Cup was an inside joke of some sort, but straight people can take a joke. Well, at least some of us can, anyway.”

Funniest Blog Celebrates 300th Post With Alcohol, Strippers

The Funniest Blog In America celebrated its 300th post with a raucous blowout party filled with alcohol and strippers, according to published reports.

"Woo-hoo!" announced Funniest Blog founder and sole contributor Michael Levin, at a hastily assembled Las Vegas news conference.

"We're very geshmeckled and um, blah, blah, blah," Levin said, when his microphone was stolen from him by a group of strippers carrying alcohol, who led him out of the news conference and to a poolside cabana at the posh Vegas casino/hotel, Le Fromage.

No further evidence of Mr. Levin, or the strippers, or the alcohol, has been seen.

India Rushes Troops To Pakistan Border, Fearing Mumbai Terror Attack

Heeding intelligence reports of a planned terrorist attack on Mumbai hotels and transportation centers, India has massed large numbers of troops on its border with Pakistan since Christmas, according to reports.

“We want to be ready,” Indian Intelligence Chief D.G.H. Singh told a hastily assembled Bangalore news conference. “We have heard that Pakistani terrorists are planning some kind of big attack. So we have brought many, many soldiers to the border.”

Mr. Singh said that “reliable intelligence has told us that a large number of terrorists have organized to create mass mayhem and murder in our beautiful capitol of Mumbai, and we have put so many soldiers on the border to prevent such terrorists from slipping through.

“We are also watching ports and harbors, to make sure that no one attacks by boat,” Mr. Singh said. “We want to assure the public that every care is being taken to protect your safety.”

When informed by reporters that such an attack had already taken place in Mumbai, Mr. Singh paused, reflected on the news, sighed, and said, “Well, in that case, I guess we don’t need so many troops on the border after all.”

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Israeli Air Force Jets Attacking Gaza Pull “Vote Likud!” Banners

The hundreds of Israeli Air Force jets scrambled Saturday morning to attack political and military targets in Gaza were all equipped with large, white and blue banners proclaiming, “Vote Likud!”, according to reports.

Air Force Major General Tzvi Shalmach told a hastily assembled Tel Aviv news conference that “there was no political message intended by the banners, which were simply expressing the personal views of the pilots in the upcoming Februrary elections.”

Shalmach said that after the surprise attack, which began at approximately 10:15 a.m. Israel time, the jets streaked at fairly low speed across the shoreline, flying low enough to that Israelis from Ashkelon to Acco could read the messages on their weekly day of rest.

“The Air Force as a whole is not a political entity and does not carry signs for one party or another,” Shalmach insisted. “Of course, it was quite a coincidence that every single pilot and every single co-pilot of every single fighter jet felt the same way, which is the same way the leadership of the Israel Defense Forces feel, were we to make our position public, which we would not.”

The attacks on Gaza were in response to increasing rocket attacks on civilian communities in Israeli areas ringing Gaza, after a six-month Hamas-Israel ceasefire ended last week.

“They must learn that Israel will protect its people,” Shalmach told reporters. “In addition, I think the spectacle of beautiful, bold blue Likud banners flying from the backs of our supersonic jet fighters is something that excites the heart of every Israeli, and should have some influence on the way the vote goes in the February election.”

The pilots dropped tens of thousands of Likud flyers, candidate portraits, plastic hammers you can whack your friend with that say “Likud Is Smashing” in Hebrew and English, and Chanukah chocolate for the children with Bibi Netanyahu’s face in the place of Judah Maccabee.

“It’s a beautiful day for Israel,” Shalmach, “when our pilots not only act honorably in battle but carry an inspiring political message as well. Okay, I’ll tell you the truth. It was my idea, not the pilots’. But I think it worked very nicely.”

Shalmach told reporters that more attacks, and more banners, would likely follow, “depending on what happens in the polls.”

Thursday, December 25, 2008

How I Really Feel

I’m so sick of all the bad news, and I’m not alone.

I’m not denying economic reality—a handful of people on Wall Street, in the mortgage industry, and elsewhere, have tanked our economy, taking down millions of jobs and billions of savings along with it.

It’s the despair that I can’t accept.

This is still America, the nation that, as Ronald Reagan once said, “people vote with their feet to get into every day. I don’t see anybody trying to break into Soviet Russia.”

I empathize with those who, like me, have witnessed their savings and home value plummet, and even more so with those who have lost their jobs.

And yet, I’m reminded of Napoleon Hill’s words in Think And Grow Rich: “For every sorrow, there is the seed of an equivalent benefit.”

So what good can come from our economic plight?

Some ideas:

Maybe we’ll be a little more grateful for what we have, instead of buying into the envy and insecurity that consumer advertising promotes…and then buying everything in sight.

Maybe if we can’t sell our homes, we’ll stay put instead of yelling the good ‘ol American battle-cry of “I’m outta here!”

Maybe we’ll finally get to know our neighbors. It’s tough to love your neighbor as yourself if you don’t know who the hell he is. Right now, we’ve got a society-wide case of overdeveloped wings and underdeveloped roots.

Maybe we’ll abandon our addiction to impossibly cheap goods from overseas, that could only have been made in sweatshop, child labor law-violative conditions, and we’ll bring the jobs back home.

Maybe we’ll get over our collective prejudice against people who come here to work and contribute to society and take care of their families, now that we’re all pretty much in the same boat that they are.

Maybe we’ll be a little slower to commit blood and treasure in wars that kill and maim Americans by the thousands and our “enemies” by the tens or hundreds of thousands.

Who won the Iraq War? Halliburton. Blackwater.

And ultimately, Iran, because we did in six weeks what they couldn’t do in a decade—dismantle Iraq and leave its oil industry for Tehran to control. Anybody recall when our peace dividend’s gonna kick in? Any day now, right?

Maybe our automakers will make vehicles people actually need and desire, if they can survive the twin death sentences of their own folly and free government money.

Maybe we’ll demand a more scrupulous regulatory system on Wall Street, so that financial “products” of no societal value don’t have the power to destroy the economy.

(If you think the mortgage loan crisis is bad, start Googling “swaps”—a highly risky “investment” in the same way that betting on red at the roulette table is an “investment.” Entire nations, including Japan, China, and Finland, have lost billions and billions of dollars investing in swaps, a story too arcane for average news readers…but a desperately important story for everyone to know about.

Maybe we’ll bail out average Americans, instead of the financial institutions that put us into this unholy mess. Right now, it’s like the old Chrysler ads from the 1980s—“Tank the economy…get a check.”

Maybe we’ll stop allowing our former leaders—I’m talking about you, Mr. and Ms. Clinton—from feasting at the trough of every nation under the sun, amassing 10-figure net worths, and then pretending not to be beholden to all those who wrote the checks.

As the late Sam Ervin, the North Carolina Senator who chaired the Watergate hearings said, “Whose bread I eat, his song I sing.”

Maybe we’ll stop trusting everything we read in the newspaper or everything that the government says, whether it’s about the existence of WMD in Iraq or the stability of the housing market (at least until the bubble burst).

Right now, the government and the major media use each other as echo chambers to tell lies and reinforces those lies as truth by citing one another. (See Senator Mike Gravel’s new book,The Kingmakers, for more about the disturbing ways that the media and the government teamed up to sell you the war in Iraq and other tragedies.)

Maybe we’ll stop shopping to impress ourselves and each other, stop spending on average 20 percent more than we make each year, and recognize that the best things in life, as the expression goes, aren’t things.

Maybe we’ll stop confusing credit cards with cash.

Maybe we’ll remember that when God made us in His image, He wasn’t wearing Calvin Kleins.

And that you can’t pull a U-Haul with a hearse.

And that making a career out of arousing hatred is no more acceptable for a pastor than for a dictator. (Talking about you, Pastor Warren, as you ride the backs of gays to a level of unprecedented national awareness that you barely needed, after having written the bestselling religious book, after the Bible, in human history.)

And that the national unity and resolve we must display to weather this storm is bigger than a red-state, blue-state issue. It doesn’t matter which side you’re on—if you’re on the Titanic, you’re going down.

Am I displaying my own prejudices? You bet. And my own optimism, too. I wish everybody shared these prejudices--and this sense of faith in our future, as individuals and as a society.

This could be the time that America moves from unbridled egotism to a sense of maturity and responsibility. And maybe we Americans will make the same move, too.
Because now more than ever, we’re all in the same boat.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Amtrak Spokesman “Bewildered” As “20th Century Limited” Train Pulls Into Grand Central Station, 42 Years Late

“We’ve had a lot of things we couldn’t explain over the years,” Amtrak spokesman Jillian Corman told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference. “But where this train has been for almost 42 years is something we’ve all been trying to figure out.”

The 20th Century Limited, which operated between Chicago and New York, began service in 1902, cutting four hours off the then-record travel time of 24 hours and operated until 1967, when it was discontinued, due to service problems and competition from the airlines.

One train, which left Chicago in November, 1967, “vanished from our records,” Corman told reporters. “We presumed that the train had gone over a bridge or an embankment due to heavy snow, and we so notified the people we identified as next-of-kin.”

Corman explained that “1967 preceded the era of tracking trains by computer and we could only get information from train crews as they passed various stations or railroad watch towers. So if a train basically disappeared, there was no way to figure out where it was.”

Accounts from arriving passengers on the train, which featured Pullman service and courteous and efficient waiters and bartenders, indicated that the train, instead of falling off a bridge, due to icy conditions, was sidelined outside Buffalo while waiting for a nonexistent freight train to come through, for a period of 11 years. Its markings covered by years of neglect, the train then followed a circular route from Florida to Michigan, stopping only to reload coal, clean sheets, whiskey, cigars, and prime steaks.

“They were just having a good time,” Corman said of the passengers, who lacked modern technology like cell phones or laptops to contact loved ones. “The porters kept the beds turned down, and the chefs must have kept sending out for food, because we hear it was like a nonstop party. People just lost track of time in there.”

Corman says that while she is “grateful” that the train finally completed its journey to New York City, Amtrak “regrets” providing families of passengers with “inaccurate information about the passengers’ demise. Tearful reunions of long-lost relatives have been playing out on the Grand Central Station main concourse,reminding older observers of V-E Day and other happy occasions.

“We’re planning on giving free passes to anyone from that era who is still alive,” Corman said. “It was a different era in railroading, and in travel in general. Men boarding the 20th Century received carnations and women received perfume and flowers. You could get up and walk around—you weren’t scrunched up like in coach on a jet today, and you could make friends with your fellow passengers. And you didn’t have computers, so it was more like a party than a time to get more work done.

“Quite frankly,” she concluded, “I understand why those passengers were in no hurry to get off that train. I guess they’re in for a terrible shock when they find out what modern travel, and modern life, for that matter, is all about.”

Boy Sees Mommy Doing More Than Kissing Santa Claus; Resulting Video Banned From YouTube

An unnamed 18-year-old male, on winter vacation from Cornell University and whose name has been withheld by authorities, witnessed his mother doing more than just kissing Santa Claus, and the video he made with a videocamera he received Christmas Eve was banned from YouTube after receiving more than 3 million hits.

“We don’t know how this one got through the system,” Erica Johnson, a deeply embarrassed spokesperson for YouTube told a hastily assembled Mountain View, California news conference. “Must have been because our review process was cut short for the Christmas holiday.”

In the grainy, blurry video, a man dressed in a Santa Claus suit is heard whispering “Ho, ho, ho, kiss me under the mistletoe!” and then reveals a belt buckle with what appears to be a mistletoe design.

The video becomes very hard to view at that point, due to the apparent inexperience of the cameraman operating his new gift. At that point, Santa backs into the Christmas tree, which falls to the floor. Some activity deemed inappropriate by YouTube takes place, and the resulting video rocketed to the top of the Yuletide online hit parade.

“All we can say is we’re sorry,” Johnson told reporters. “We have to be a little more, you know, selective about what our members are allowed to put up without review. I mean, the first minute and a half were totally innocent, so I guess somebody just okayed it without going all the way to the end.”

Johnson said that she was looking into reports that “Santa” was actually the young man’s father and that he had been running his own video camera at the time of the incident, and that the couple was “surprised” that their son was also making a video.

“We can’t comment on that,” Johnson said. “But from what we've heard, if another video of the same scene, shot from a different angle altogether, with a high quality, high resolution video camera, and made by a neighbor of the couple wearing a reindeer outfit, turns up somewhere else on the Internet, we here at YouTube wouldn’t be surprised.”

Using Little-Known Loophole, Yankees’ 2009 Roster To Exceed 300 Players

Taking advantage of a little-known loophole in Baseball’s Official Rules, the New York Yankees have announced that their 2009 major league roster will contain at least 300 players.

“I like our chances,” Yankee owner Hank Steinbrenner told a hastily assembled Tampa, Florida news conference. “We have Sabathia, Teixeira, and all the guys coming back from last year. Plus another 270 or 280 players.”

Steinbrenner pointed to Rule 17.3.5 of the Official Rules Of Major League Baseball, which states, in pertinent part, “Any club, concerned that a player may have to be placed on the disabled list, may add to the roster in a provisional manner any other player.”

“We believe this gives us the right to sign and keep on the Yankees’ major league roster 300 players,” Steinbrenner told reporters. “After all, any player could get hurt at any time. And the Rules are silent as to what ‘provisional manner’ means. We say, it means we can have 300 players. And we will.”

Steinbrenner said that the Yankees’ player salaries will “surpass the $1 billion threshold,” which will have a “powerful effect on the price of beer, parking, and tickets, but otherwise will be absorbed by the club.”

The average seat at the new Yankee Stadium will cost approximately $11,000, Steinbrenner said, “although games with quality teams like the Red Sox and the Rays will naturally cost more. But we believe our fans will not be deterred.”

Beer will cost $850 per 16 ounce cup, Steinbrenner said, and parking will cost “$2,000 to $3,000 per car per game, depending on how close you want to be to the Stadium and how lucky you feel about not getting attacked in a distant parking field after a night game.”

The Yankees’ dugout will be extended the length of the field, Steinbrenner said, to accommodate the 200 position players on the 2009 roster, and the bullpen will extend “to the Yonkers line” in order to make room for the approximately 100 pitchers the team will carry north from spring training.

“We want to do everything possible to guarantee our loyal fans a World Series victory,” Steinbrenner said. “If it means signing every available player, in this country, in Korea, in Japan, in Mexico, and in the Dominican, so be it. Our fans deserve nothing less.”

NORAD Accidentally Shoots Down Santa’s Sleigh; Apologizes To World’s Grieving Children

NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, today admitted it had gotten its instructions wrong and instead of tracking Santa as he made his way across the world, scrambled jet fighters and destroyed the fabled toy-giver and all of his reindeer.

“It’s the Challenger explosion of our times,” a chastened NORAD spokesman Chris Bonker told a hastily assembled Colorado Springs news conference. “To think that all of the world’s children, following NORAD in real time on the Internet, witnessed this. All we can say is that we’re incredibly, incredibly sorry.”

NORAD will pay for counseling sessions through social networking sites popular with children including MySpace and Twitter, Bonker said.

“The trauma both inside and outside NORAD is unbearable,” Bonker told reporters. “I mean, you shoot down an Iranian jet, you feel bad for a while. But this one’s going to linger.”

Bonker said that Santa’s sleigh “gave off the same profile as a Russian MIG, and we just didn’t feel we had enough time to evaluate more thoroughly. We aren’t trigger-happy. We’re just trying to protect the Homeland.”

NORAD will also make a donation of $500 to the Toys For Tots program to make up for the approximately $18 billion worth of toys destroyed when the sleigh was shot down.

“We all regret the deplorable loss of human and reindeer life,” Bonker said. “But the children of the world should take comfort in the fact that NORAD is on duty 24 hours a day, even Christmas Eve, to help make the world a safer place.”

Israel, Palestinians Announce New Security Agreement: Every Jew, Arab To Be His Own State

“The two-state solution cannot work,” Ehud Avner and Hassan Khatani, spokespeople for the Jewish and Palestinian peoples told a hastily assembled Jerusalem news conference. “The one-state solution will never work. So we have agreed today to the 11-million state solution. Every Arab and every Jew will be his or her own country, starting now.”

The new peace accord was announced after years of wrangling over processes begun in Oslo, Annapolis, and a small, smoky shashlikh restaurant in the West Bank town of Schchem.

“Nothing else has worked,” Avner and Khatani told reporters. “One state, two state, red state, blue state. Forget about it. So the only thing left is for every Jew and every Arab to be his or her own country. This is the true roadmap to peace.”

According to Avner and Khatani, each Jew and each Arab throughout Israel and territory currently controlled by the Palestinians had the right to “pass his or her own laws, create his or her own currency and postage stamps, and work out diplomatic relations with all the other Jews and Arabs as he or she sees fit.

“It’s how things have always been in the Middle East,” the men told reporters. “Personalities here are too out-sized. Everybody has so many opinions. You can’t reach a consensus. Now you don’t have to, because whoever you are, you are a country. It’s not just one man, one vote. It’s one man, one nation.”

Jews and Arabs were busy late tonight registering the names of their new countries on a special new website created for the purpose, Popular names of new countries include, on the Jewish side, Shlomo163 and Deuteronomy8:1, and on the Arab side, DeathToIsrael353 and WeKnewIfWeWaitedLongEnoughThey’dCaveIn467.

With “Big Truck Monthly” And “Apache Artifacts,” Jennifer Aniston Makes Cover Of Every Magazine In America

The January issues of Big Truck Monthly and Apache Artifacts hit the newsstands today with cover stories featuring former Friends star Jennifer Aniston, completing for the actress a clean sweep of every magazine cover in the United States.

“I hadn’t noticed,” Aniston told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills news conference. “I mean, I did see myself on the cover of GQ, Ladies Home Journal, Newsweek, Elle, FHM, Vibe, and about 600 other magazines, but every magazine in the country? I bet even Angelina hasn’t done that.”

Aniston said she had “no specific experience” with the kind of large diesel trucks featured in Big Truck Monthly, and that she neither “owned nor knew anything about any kind of Indian stuff, except for some Hopi crap that Brad gave me on a trip to Santa Fe, that fell apart the week we got back to L.A. My arm is still green from where I wore it.”

Still, Aniston said she was “heartened” by those magazines’ decisions to place her on their covers, thus giving her simultaneous coverage on the front page of every American magazine in every newsstand, coast-to-coast.

“Gaze upon Jennifer,” Aniston told reporters. “Gaze upon Jennifer wearing nothing at all, her knees discreetly blocking her perfect breasts. Gaze upon Jennifer, the ardent symbol for our times of unrequited love, baking cookies on the cover of Woman’s Day and getting ready for monkey sex on the cover of GQ.

“Gaze upon Jennifer and weep,” Aniston added, “and do so especially if thy name is Brad. You cannot escape my visage, for it shines forth from every magazine rack in all 50 states. No stretchmarks on my luscious body, even as I reach my 40th birthday. Gaze, Brad, at me in every pose, wearing every outfit, gaze and realize what you have left behind, left behind forever.”

A spokesman for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who were spending their Christmas holidays in a remote central African village where no American magazines have ever been seen, said that the couple had no comment other than that they “looked forward to reading some new magazines early in the New Year.”

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Drug Company Creates New Medicine You Must Take, Even If You Are Well

Phaxo Pharmaceuticals, the world leader in unnecessary medication benefiting the developed world, today announced a new “wonder drug” that all Americans will be required by law to take.

OrElse, the wonder drug, “is derived from a molecular pattern not inconsistent with that found in chicken soup,” a Phaxo Pharmaceuticals spokesperson, Freida Goncher, told a hastily assembled Minneapolis, MN news conference.

“The marketing tagline is ‘It Couldn’t Hurt,’” Goncher told reporters. “There’s really nothing a little chicken soup couldn’t make better. We believe this is the safest drug we have ever brought to market.”

OrElse went through a standard six-month trial period conducted by the FDA, at the end of which Phaxo claimed that “there were no long-term illnesses or deaths attributable to the drug,” Goncher said. “Of course, nobody’s taken it over a long-term period, since it only came out six months ago, but still, we think that’s a promising start.”

What separates OrElse from many if not all of its competitors is that there is no specific illness for which the drug is being marketed, and a newly-passed law, crafted and driven through Congress by drug company lobbyists, requiring that the drug must be taken on a daily basis by all Americans, whether they are sick or not.

“This is a great step forward in eradicating, um, whatever is making people feel sick,” Goncher said. “The drug is covered by all insurance plans and Medicare Part B, so cost for the individual consumer will not be an issue.”

A year’s worth of OrElse, purchased without insurance, would cost approximately $18,000.

“Hey, it’s cheaper than anti-HIV medications, Goncher said. “Let’s look on the bright side.”

When asked by a reporter whether the law requiring all Americans to take the drug “is in keeping with basic civil liberties law,” Goncher replied, “There’s no Constitutional right to be sick. Our attitude is that if you take this new drug, you’re increasing your chances of, um, feeling, you know, good, by at least, um, 53 percent.

“Those were the statistics we used to bribe, I mean, convince Congress, that making the drug mandatory was a good idea,” Goncher added. “And that’s why our secondary marketing tagline is ‘Take it. OrElse.’”

Monday, December 22, 2008

Putin Orders All Russian Leaders To Purchase, Wear “Putin’s Best” Leather Jackets

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today ordered all Russian leaders to appear in public only while wearing bulletproof leather bomber jackets that Putin is manufacturing under the label “Putin’s Best.”

“The West has suits and ties, the Arabs have their flowing robes, and we have leather jackets,” Putin told a hastily assembled Kremlin news conference. “If we all wear the same style bomber jacket, it gives us an identity and lets people know we are a force to be reckoned with.

“You know what the best example is?” he asked reporters. “The Yankees, with their pinstripes. Well, for Russians, pinstripes equals leather jackets.”

In his eight years as Russian President, Putin oversaw the transformation of the natural gas industry into a powerful, robust, state-controlled vehicle whose pipelines to Western Europe give Russia practically unprecedented political power around the world.

“A bomber jacket gives you a sense of swagger,” Putin explained, modeling his latest designs for Kremlin reporters and photographers. “It tells other people, look out, because I am bad.”

The “swagger” that Putin has now required for fellow Russian leaders won’t come cheap. The “Putin’s Best” bulletproof bomber jacket he was wearing will cost Russian leaders 5,000,000,000 rubles (approximately US $1.5 million).

“Yes, they are expensive,” Putin admitted. “But the leather is so buttery soft that you will want to wear it all the time, even indoors. The Scotchgard technology allows you to spill copious amounts of vodka and caviar without affecting the look of the jacket. And the bulletproof aspect of the jackets—what is your life worth in these troubled times?”

Putin said he expected all Russian leaders intending on keeping their positions, and all leaders of other nations formerly part of the USSR, to order their “Putin’s Best” bomber jackets “in time for Christmas delivery. And it makes a nice gift for your wife or mistress. Or both.”

Americans Without Disabilities Lobby Congress For More Stairs

“We respect people with disabilities,” John Oercher, President of The Americans Without Disabilities Coalition told a hastily assembled Capitol Hill news conference, “but what about us? Who’s watching out for our rights?”

Oercher said that his group, which represents “tens” of Americans, spent the day lobbying Congress for more steps in public places and the right to walk “even the steepest” golf courses without being embarrassed by course marshals.

“It’s great that people with disabilities have ramps and elevators and stuff,” Oercher told reporters. “But the rights of the majority in this country must also be respected. And we like taking the stairs and not going on twisty ramps.”

Oercher said that his group’s proposed legislation to respect the rights of “Non-Disabled Americans” came about when he was “running for a flight and instead of having a straight path, I had to keep zigzagging. I was like, am at Reagan National or am I at Disneyland? I missed the flight, because of all those ramps. I can’t believe that’s what the Founding Fathers had in mind.”

Oercher told reporters that his group “doesn’t want to see ramps removed, because we understand that it’s not easy getting around in a wheelchair, or a motorized cart. Although frankly some of those motorized cart drivers are pretty hostile and will run you down as soon as look at you.

“We just want people to have choices. Ramp, or stairs? President Obama needs infrastructure projects to jumpstart our economy. Let’s start by doing something for our non-disabled. It’s not like most of them will still have jobs next year, anyway. I think a few steps, or maybe the occasional spiral staircase, is not too much to ask.”

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, Thirsting For Martyrdom, Confesses To Committing 260 More Crimes

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the highest-ranking al Qaeda operative captured during the War on Terror, told a hastily assembled Guantanamo Bay news conference that he would confess to “anything, simply anything” if only a judge or military tribunal would sign his death warrant.

In recent weeks, KSM, as Mr. Mohammed is colloquially known, has confessed not only to masterminding the Sept. 11 attacks but also “six holdups of a 7-11 in East St. Louis, Missouri, two bank robberies committed on the same day in different states, and stealing the cookie from the cookie jar,” according to reports.

“Please kill me,” a visibly distraught but nicely shaven KSM told reporters. “Throw your tape recorders and laptops at me as hard you can. Yell boo and scare me to death. Anything to attain my desire of martyrdom."

KSM has also told military investigators that he is responsible for the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, the sinking of the Lusitania, and King Saul’s failure to kill the sheep of his enemy as recounted in the First Book of Samuel.

“Yes, I did it, I did everything,” the one time al Qaeda leader told reporters. “I will continue to confess until I am finally granted the privilege of surrending my life for my cause.”

A spokesman for the FBI said that KSM would be sentenced to death eventually, “but not before we clean up the books on a few thousand more crimes. He’s the best thing to happen to FBI statistics since the pocket calculator.”

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Bush Urges Clemency For Madoff On Grounds That “He Mostly Ripped Off Just Jewish People”

President George W. Bush today promised to pardon disgraced financier Bernie Madoff on grounds that the bulk of the $50 billion he allegedly stole from his clients “belonged to people of the Jewish persuasion.”

Bush told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that Madoff “only ripped off Jews. Okay, there were a couple of Japanese or Korean names on the list, too, that I saw, but basically it was a Hebrew thing start to finish.”

Bush told reporters he was “disappointed” that the Jews, “who have been so smart about, you know, money, since the time of Christ, could have gotten so snookered by one of their own. Look, if Gentiles lost that kind of money, they’d be in trouble. Jews’ll make it back, one way or another.”

The President told reporters that his comments were not to be construed as anti-Semitic “in any manner. I love the Jewish people, and just because they’re going to hell for their bizarre inability to accept our Lord and Savior doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to make a few bucks while they’re here. It’s not like you can put a U-Haul on a hearse and take it with you.”

In the future, the President said, “even Jews have to be a little more careful with where they put their shekels. Do your due diligence, my Israelite brothers. Not just about money. About God, if you catch my drift. You can buy your way into almost everything, but not the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Warren's Inaugural Invocation To Be Simultaneously Translated Into Message Of Love And Tolerance

Pastor Rick Warren's Inaugural invocation will be simultaneously translated into a message of love and tolerance, a spokesman for Saddleback Church announced today.

“When Pastor Warren takes the stage at the Inauguration,” Wes Fulstrum told a hastily assembled Lake Forest, California news conference, “immediately to his left will be a person versed in simultaneous translation, and that person will render his words into a message of love and tolerance that all Americans, straight and gay, can accept.”

Gay rights groups were outraged by the President-elect Obama’s choice of Pastor Warren to offer the invocation at the Jan. 20 Inauguration, because of Jacobs’ deep opposition to Prop. 8, essentially outlawing gay marriage in the state of California.

“We know that many people were upset by the choice of Pastor Warren,” Fulstrum told reporters. “But his message of traditional religious values, as interpreted by him, can easily be translated into a message of tolerance for all people, and we’re going to provide that in real time at the Inauguration.”

Fulstrum said that Obama was not trying to “send a message” to social conservatives that “he wasn’t as radical as they feared.” Fulstrum also said that Obama had not selected Pastor Warren because “he was fulfilling a Billy Graham-type, basically unobjectionable, middle-of-the-road, offend-almost-no-one, undemanding type of spirituality.

“The truth is that Reverend Jeremiah Wright was unavailable on the 20th,” Fulstrum said, “so Pastor Warren was actually Obama’s second choice.”

Friday, December 19, 2008

Illinois Governor: I Will Be Found Innocent Because Of My Hair

Embattled Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich today told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference that he knew he would be cleared of all wrongdoing because of the thickness and exceptionally lustrous quality of his hair.

“This is not the hair of a felon,” Gov. Blagojevich said, inviting reporters to feel his luxurious, soft, perfectly barbed hair. “This is the hair of an innocent man. In fact, America has not seen such beautiful hair on a man since the 1970s and Warren Beatty.”

Blagojevich said that he fully expected his hair to lead to “complete exoneration. I mean, look at the way it falls across my forehead so naturally, in such a boyish yet masculine and responsible way. This is the hair of a winner. This is the hair that the citizens of Illinois have come to trust.”

When reporters asked Blagojevich why he thought his hair would protect him from criminal prosecution for his alleged attempt to sell the Illinois U.S. Senate seat for cash or jobs, he pointed to the examples of Gary Hart, Bill Clinton, and John F. Kennedy.

“Each of these men did things far worse than I did,” Blagojevich said, although he did not elaborate on the specifics of their alleged crimes. “And they got away with everything. I feel that my hair is a magic talisman that can protect me from all evildoers and U.S. attorneys.”

Blagojevich also pointed to former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson as another man “whose hair has pulled him through to safety. I mean, how did that guy get a career as a network sportscaster without that beautifully coiffed leonine mane of hair? Hey, maybe he’d like to be Senator. That is, if the price is right.”

Suck-Ups, Usual Suspects Unite To Praise Kennedy’s Senate Bid

A coalition of suck-ups, toadies, hangers-on, and other usual suspects today announced their firm support for Caroline Kennedy’s bid for the U.S. Senate seat to be vacated in January by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“She’s the best person for the job,” John Moon told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference. “She can deliver jobs, perquisites, and other tokens of governmental largesse to Kennedy suck-ups better than any other leading political dynasty, and I include specifically the Clintons and the Bushes.”

Moon said that Kennedy’s lack of qualifications for the Senate seat “in no way makes her unqualified. It’s really more like what her late father John F. Kennedy said—‘ask not what Kennedys can do for the State of New York. Instead ask what Kennedys can do for people smart enough and callous enough and cynical enough to jump on a Kennedy bandwagon as soon as it starts to roll out of the station.”

Others, including Hillary Rodham Clinton and Caroline’s late uncle Robert Kennedy, had become Senator of New York “despite an utter, complete lack of connections to the State of New York or its people. Hillary’s from Illinois and Bobby was from Massachusetts. At least Caroline lives here, which makes giving her the Senate seat a little less than a total laydown.”

When reporters asked Moon why he and others were so quick to support a candidate for a high office who had no prior political experience, he replied, “Money. Jobs. Those little badges you can show cops when you’re pulled over for speeding. When your kid gets busted for selling weed, a phone call to the judge. When it comes to doling out the goodies, you’ve got the Kennedys…and then you’ve got everybody else.”

America’s Poor Unite To Bail Out Madoff Scam Victims

“Message: we care,” Fred Tollinger, a spokesman for America’s poor, unemployed, and least hopeful citizens today told a hastily assembled Flint, Michigan news conference, announcing that America’s poorest citizens were collecting money to assist the victims of the Ponzi scheme allegedly masterminded by Bernard Madoff.

“We know what it feels like to lose all your money,” Tollinger said, “even though we don’t know what it’s like to lose millions or billions, since even together we’ve never had this much money. But even millionaires and billionaires have feelings. We want them to know that society has not forgotten them, which is why we are raising funds for them in this time of holiday need.”

Tollinger said that newspaper reports of despair among the ultra-wealth, who had entrusted seven- and eight-figure amounts to Madoff, moved poor people “a whole lot. I mean, we’ve lost our homes. Never three or four homes at a time. But pain is pain.”

Poor people had donated “upwards of $11 to bail out the fortunes of the most fortunate,” Tollinger said. “It’s an Internet-based campaign, which may have been a bad strategy, because few of our people can afford the Internet.”

Tollinger said that had the economy been stronger, “We might have been in the triple digits by now. The reality is that poor people really believe in trickle-down economics. If the rich lose everything, they can’t afford to exploit us for low pay and long hours. So it’s in our best interests to restore them to their previous level of affluence.

“Otherwise,” he told reporters, “instead of trickle-down wealth, we’ll have trickle-up poverty. And no one, rich or poor, wants to see that.”

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Rick Warren Promises, During Inauguration Invocation, Not To Mention God

"God can be a divisive force in American life," Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren told a hastily assembled Orange County news conference. "For that reason, I will omit any mention of God's name during my invocation at the Inauguration."

Warren, acknowledging that he was a controversial choice for the role of religious leader at President-elect Obama's inauguration, said he would "pray only to 'The Big Guy' and people can read between the lines as to who I'm referring to."

An advance text of Warren's invocation, leaked to the media by sources within the Obama transition team, has the pastor starting his prayer with the words, "To Whom It May Concern."

"I know it's a little different," Warren admitted. "But I think we've proven that you can have a perfectly fine religious life without God coming in and being all judgmental and all-knowing and everything. I understand that President-elect Obama is walking a fine line, trying to have a spiritual moment in his Inauguration without potentially offending voters who are atheistic or of other religions."

Warren promised that he would "stay away from traditional themes, like asking God to bless the new President and the nation and that kind of stuff" and would instead "remind people that if they feel good, they'll do good, and that's really all people want from organized religion today anyway."

Warren said he understood that some people were surprised that the President-elect had not chosen an African American to give the invocation.

"It's kind of like the old rules about college basketball teams and how many Blacks they can start," Warren said. "You want to walk a fine line."

A spokesman for God told the Dissociated Press that the Almighty was "disappointed" that He would not be personally acknowledged at the Inauguration, considering "all I've done for that Obama guy," but "if it helped in the polling, [he] really didn't mind being thrown under the bus in this manner."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Caroline Kennedy: I’m Entitled To NY Senate Seat Because I’m Entitled, Period

Caroline Kennedy, daughter of slain President John F. Kennedy, today told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that she would seek the U.S. Senate seat currently held by Hillary Rodham Clinton because she is “entitled to it, or anything I want.”

Ms. Kennedy, who has never held elective office, based her qualifications for the Senate seat on her “enormous wealth, name recognition, and the fact that ordinary people have no right to ask for something if someone like me asks for it first.”

Ms. Kennedy spoke at this year’s Democratic National Convention because she was not “tied to the discredited tax-and-spend policies of other Democrats, including John Kerry, George McGovern, Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis, and of course my uncle Teddy. They really had no one else left to speak, so they picked me.”

The sister of the late John F. Kennedy, Jr. has had no experience with electoral politics but said she is “perfect for the job because the election of Barack Obama shows that qualifications are no longer necessary. All you have to do is inspire people, and the Kennedy aura is still perceived as highly inspirational, especially among members of my own extended family.”

Ms. Kennedy said that if she is chosen as Senator, she will “bring touch football back to the White House, promote excessive drinking among young people, preside over a collapse of morality, find the late Jimmy Hoffa and send him to prison, and do everything else my father and my uncles would have done if given the chance.”

When a reporter asked whether the Senate seat should perhaps go to a more qualified candidate, one who has been working in public life throughout his or her career, and one who has earned the respect and gratitude of New Yorkers of all political stripes, Ms. Kennedy replied, “You must be kidding. Next question.”

Sunday, December 14, 2008

China, Facing Economic Collapse, Changes Lucky Number From 8 To 6

“To tell the truth, we really haven’t been that lucky with number 8,” Chinese Communist Party spokesman Lin Biau admitted to a hastily arranged Beijing news conference, “so we’re changing to 6.”

For millennia, the Chinese have considered the number 8 a symbol of good luck. The Olympics began on 8/8/2008, Mr. Lin pointed out, and were very successful, “but otherwise in Chinese history, we feel lucky number 8 has let us down.”

Mr. Lin pointed to a series of historical events that brought “grave misfortune” on China, including the Era of the Warring States in 453-221 B.C., the collapse of the Ming and Ching Dynasties, the war with Japan in the 1930s, the Cultural Revolution, and the current economic meltdown as evidence that “the number 8 isn’t nearly as lucky as we hoped for thousands of years that it might be.”

The Chinese economy, for years a juggernaut due to increased exports and high spending in coastal zones, is “in freefall,” Mr. Lin admitted, due to the worldwide recession.

“Factories are closing, people are losing their jobs, and even the police are rioting because they are going unpaid,” Mr. Lin told reporters. “Hey, 8, where are you hiding? What kind of good luck are you?

“Nothing,” Mr. Lin concluded in disgust. “From now on, our lucky number is 6. On lottery tickets, in pai gow, and for events like weddings and state occasions. It’s going to be 6 all the way. To indulge in a Western play on words, we feel that 8 is over-8-d.”

CIA Chief: We'll Kill All Terrorists Twice

CIA Chief Michael Hayden told a hastily assembled Langley, Virginia press conference that he has solved the problem of punishing terrorists who aren’t afraid to die by committing to “kill them twice.”

“The first time they die,” Hayden explained, “that’s based on their desire for martyrdom, 70 virgins, the whole nine yards. But if we catch them, even if they’re dead, we’ll kill them a second time, as punishment and as a deterrent to others.”

Hayden said the CIA had spent “millions of dollars of resources and millions of person-hours” in order to come up with “this highly ingenious solution to a vexing problem. I mean, the problem with terrorists is that they don’t mind dying. They’re probably disappointed if they don’t die, because then they have to be imprisoned, stand trial, and be an embarrassment to family and friends. So it’s tough to find a way to punish people who don’t mind dying.

“But if we kill them a second time,” Hayden said, “that’s a very special punishment and we think they’ll be extremely afraid of that happening. Kill me once, shame on me, kill me twice, or, um, however that thing goes.”

When reporters asked Hayden whether the CIA had worked out a “mechanism” for killing dead people for a second time, he responded, “To be honest, not yet. We have our best people working on that problem, from a technical and logistical standpoint. So we don’t have a means of actually implementing the solution yet, but we’ll get one soon.

“In the meantime, the American people can rest assured that a double-dead terrorist is never going to bother them a second time.”

Troops In Iraq Thank Bush Personally For “Violent, Unnecessary War”

“We’re very grateful to our Commander-in-Chief,” Army PFC Charles Dogren told a hastily assembled Mosul, Iraq news conference, “for getting us into this violent, unnecessary war that allows us to demonstrate to the world that the American way of life is number one.”

Dogren said that he and his fellow soldiers “bore no grudge” against President Bush for “stretching the military to the breaking point, putting us in harm’s way for no discernable purpose, getting 4,000 of us killed, and essentially destroying Iraq for the economic benefit of the untrustworthy regime in Teheran.

Dogren added that most members of the military with whom he had spoken “had no ill will” against the President for “sending us out to face IEDs without adequate body armor, keeping us in danger long after any discernable reason for maintaining the war existed, and years after the initial motivations of links between Sadaam and Al Qaeda, or the existence of weapons of mass destruction had been utterly discredited.”

PFC Dogren also insisted that “The President was far too wise a leader to be blinded by a combination of bloodthirsty neocons blinded by a shamelessly greedy Ahmad Chalabi, alongside a vice president shilling not only for his former employer, Halliburton, but in effect for every company that stood to make billions from this brutal, horrible war.”

“He must have had some good reason for exposing all to loss of life, limbs, mental illness, and PTSD, PFC Dogren reasoned. “I mean, it would be really hard to take if this whole war were for no reason other than the ones I’ve just outlined. That would be devastating. President Bush has to be smarter than that.”

Obama To Require Each Taxpayer To Adopt 10 Families And An Industry

President-elect Barack Obama today unveiled his new plan to save the economy, requiring each taxpayer to adopt 10 families and an industry, at a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.

“If you have a job, you’re fortunate,” Obama told reporters. “But lots of other American families don’t. So we’re going to require you to adopt 10 families with people who don’t have jobs. And an industry.”

Obama said that by “pooling resources in this manner, we have the greatest chance to make things right. You can call it compassionate socialism or social compassionism. But whatever you call it, if we share the wealth, we’ll all come out ahead.”

Part of the plan, the President-elect said, is to save many industries by requiring taxpayers to adopt them in order to keep them from bankruptcy.

“Over 27% of working Americans are in better shape than G.M.,” Obama said. “If you go to the White House website, you can select the industry you want to adopt. And then you’ll sleep better, because you know that your tax dollars are saving hundreds of thousands of jobs.”

When asked how taxpayers would be able to afford to adopt 10 non-working families while at the same time bailing out an entire industry and still supporting their own families, the President-elect offered a terse “No comment.”

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sony Set To Launch Online Virtual World Because "The Real World Sucks"

Sony announced it would launch its online "virtual world", a 3-D social networking service while at the same time discontinuing its presence in the real world because "The real world sucks."

Kenny Matsunaga, a spokesman for Sony, told a hastily assembled Tokyo news conference that "the real world is too depressing to inhabit, so we're bailing out. No more workers, no more offices, no more jobs. No more real anything."

Home, the online world intended to support Sony's PlayStation video-game console, will be "the last remaining remnant of Sony's footprint anywhere--in cyberspace or in reality. The economy, the Iraq War, poverty in Africa--why would anybody want to stay in the real world?

"We know that Home was meant only for gaming," Matsunaga said. "But after we built it, we realized it was so much better than the real world, and with the right access codes, you can do anything in it that you can do with real people, no matter how much of a geek you are. So it's basically goodbye reality, hello virtual world. It's kind of corporate suicide, and we understand that, but we think we're going to a better place."

Matsunaga wiped a tear from his eye. "We're not just leaving planet Earth," he told reporters. "We're going Home."

Media Titans Rudely Rebuff Citizen's Request For Return Of Airwaves

An unnamed American citizen, coming upon media titans Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, Barry Diller, John Malone, and Sumner Redstone eating lunch together at a Washington, D.C. restaurant, politely requested the return to the public of the airwaves over which their networks broadcast shows.

His request was rejected.

A spokesman for the media titans, Ed Firestone, told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that "Although the airwaves technically belong to the people, Messrs. Murdoch, Turner, Diller, Malone, and Redstone are people, too. To demand that they relinquish their ironclad grip on the nation's airwaves would be to deny these five men their Constitutional rights. We are not about to let that happen."

The unnamed American, Firestone said, based his request upon the fact that "The media slant the news, produce vacuous 'entertainment' like Wheel Of Fortune and So You Think You Can Dance, and make billions of dollars from advertising while contributing almost nothing to the nation in exchange for the airwaves.

"We don't deny his point," Firestone said, "but the media titans are not going to give back the airwaves anyway. This country has always been about the protection of minorities, except, of course, for that shameful period lasting approximately 190 years from the founding of the United States until the passage of the Voting Rights Act in 1964.

"Today," Firestone continued, "the smallest minority in America is that of billionaire media titans. I'm sure the government won't sit idly by and allow their rights to be trampled. It's a short step from violating the Constitutional rights of the few to establishing totalitarianism, under which not even media titan billionaires could get to choose what programs appear on the air."

Firestone said that the unnamed American was "polite" to the media titans and waited patiently alongside their table for a moment when all of the media titans had fallen silent before he launched his request.

"Just because someone asks nicely for something doesn't mean he's Constitutionally entitled to it," Firestone pointed out. "I mean, you can't just ask for something as big as the airwaves and just expect it to be handed to you. This is exactly how Hitler got started, and I'm here to say that the power of the media is safely in the hands of the powerful."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Ford CEO Breaks Down On Drive Back From D.C.; Demands $600 Million From AAA

Ford CEO Alan Mulally, driving a 2009 Ford Explorer Hybrid, broke down on I-76 just east of the Ohio state line and demanded $600 million from the AAA tow truck driver assisting his vehicle.

“The least the Auto Club can do is give me $600 million to complete my trip,” Mullaly told a hastily assembled Youngstown, Ohio news conference. “Where would the Triple-A be without Ford? They’d have a lot fewer cars to tow and repair. That’s where they’d be.”

The AAA driver, whose name was Ed, reportedly told Mr. Mullaly that he “didn’t have that kind of money on him” and “would have to call people back at the station.”

Mullaly said that he “wasn’t looking for a bailout, but instead, just a loan of $600 million” to “tide him over” until he got back to corporate offices in Detroit.

“We can be profitable again if we just start making cars people like,” Mullaly said. “I mean, that could happen. At least in theory.”

Ed, the AAA driver, said that Mullaly requested at least $50 of the $600 million in one-dollar-bills, “so he could pay his executives their new salaries and also tip the topless shoeshine girls at the rest stops on the Interstate between here and Michigan,” according to reports.

New Congressional District 600 Miles Long, 60 Feet Wide

A newly drawn California Congressional district is 600 miles long and 60 feet wide, according to Democratic National Committee spokesperson Heidi Farranger, who addressed a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.

“The district snakes 600 miles from the San Diego border to just south of Fresno,” Farranger said. “It picks out every Democratic-leaning household and skips over Republican-leaning households, so we can be pretty sure the new Congressperson from this new district will be Democratic.”

The newly drawn Congressional district, the longest in the United States, was created with special mapping tools that analyzed election data going back 20 years, Farranger said.

“The Republicans have done the same thing for years,” she argued, “so it’s only fair that we get to draw up safe seats for our own candidates. And there’s something kind of artistic about the district, the way it loops and swirls, avoiding almost all of Orange County on its way to finding more Democratic homes in the Inland Empire.”

Reporters pointed out that because so many Congressional districts were drawn up to create safe seats for Congresspeople, there was less turnover in the U.S. Congress than there had been in the Soviet Kremlin.

“Well, if people don’t like it,” Farranger said, “they can always write their Congressperson. Assuming they can figure out who exactly their Congressperson is. Ha, ha, ha.”

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Roman Polanski Seeks Dismissal Of 30-Year Old Charge Of Unlawful Sex With Minor On Grounds That “She’s 43 By Now”

Attorneys for famed film director Roman Polanski today filed papers in U.S. District Court seeking the dismissal of 30-year-old charges of unlawful sex with a minor on the grounds that the woman in question “is 43 by now.”

Pierre LeSourd told a hastily assembled Paris news conference that Polanski has “suffered enough” and that he had more than made up for his crime by “helping generations of young Parisian girls with their homework” and “hiring dozens of babysitters, even though he has no young children” in an effort to bolster the financial situations of young teenage Parisian girls.

“In any event,” LeSourd told reporters, “the girl is no longer a girl. She is a 43-year-old woman, and there is no law in America or France against having relations with a woman that age. In fact, in France, it is considered doing the woman a favor. We say, it’s time for the United States to drop the case.”

Polanski, who pleaded guilty to the charge in 1978, now claims prosecutorial misconduct in his case, LeSourd told reporters.

“They told him if he didn’t plead guilty, he would have to stand trial,” LeSourd said. “I mean, how stressful is that? America, I can’t exactly say that my client is remorseful. But all I can say is, let him come home.”

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Small Print On Cheaper Space Flight: It's Only One Way

Investigators seeking to determine the legitimacy of SpaceCraft, Inc.'s new offer to fly individuals into suborbital space for just $22,500, one eighth the price of Virgin Galactic's fee, told a hastily assembled Riverside, California news conference that the $22,500 space trip "is only one-way."

"You can get up to space for $22,500, no problem," Dick Rangel told reporters. "But good luck trying to get back."

SpaceCraft, Inc. is one of many small companies seeking to make money sending passengers into space.

"The company seems to be modeled on JetBlue," Rangel said. "No frills flying, a few snacks while in air, your own TV set at your seat with live cable, but the tickets are all one-way."

Rangel said that he was "uncertain" about what happened to SpaceCraft, Inc. passengers once they reached low-level geosynchronous orbit, but he "wasn't sure what had happened to their first two dozen passengers."

Rangel told reporters that the lack of a "frequent flyer" or loyalty program was also a tip-off that something was amiss.

"Their business model kind of contradicts both gravity and what Werner von Braun said almost half a century ago," Rangel said, "that what goes up must come down. We're hoping that the company can explain what happened to all of its past passengers.

"But I guess at under 25K to get into space, even one-way fares might have been too good a deal for people to pas up."

3 Auto Salesmen Seek Federal Bailout

Three auto salesmen from three different domestic automobile dealerships at the Tustin Auto Center in Tustin, California today appeared before Congress to seek bailouts, due to the collapse of the market for new and used domestic automobiles.

"I guess I'll be going back to prison because aside from selling Chevrolets I have no other marketable skills," Ron Hausner, 37, of Chino, California told a hastily assembled Senate Subcommittee on Domestic Cars And Other Stuff.

"I haven't sold a Ford in seven weeks," Fred Blippinger, 43, told Congress. "I'm behind on alimony to all three of my ex-wives and I'm down to 117 pounds."

"A lot of folks are surprised to discover Chrysler still makes cars," Tom Schupnaker, 52, told Congress. "My response is, until they sell a few, maybe Chrysler ought to slow down a tad."

Hausner, Blippinger, and Schupnaker all have accepted reduced salaries "until things turn around," Blippinger said. He told Congress he now works for cigarettes "and the right to sleep in a Ford Explorer that's been sitting on the lot since Spring."

Hausner now earns $1.17 an hour, he said, due to an exemption for car dealers in the California minimum wage.

"If I go back to Pelican Bay, it won't be that big a pay cut," Hausner told Congress. "Plus I get three meals and a bed."

Schupnaker told Congress that he, like the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler, and GM, would "forswear using private jets until our stock price regains its 2006 levels, as long as I can get enough money to take the Greyhound back to Orange County."

Monday, December 1, 2008

All 36 Astronauts Quit NASA After Learning That Water On Space Shuttle Is Actually Recycled Urine

“At least the Apollo astronauts got Tang,” Astronaut Neil “Buzz” Fingerhut told a hastily assembled Cocoa Beach, Florida news conference. “They told us we were getting Fiji water. Recycled urine? We’re quitting NASA, effective immediately.”

Recent reports about life on the International Space Station revealed that astronauts on-board create drinking water out of recycled urine, a fact previously withheld from the astronaut corps.

“We don’t mind G-forces, months without seeing our loved ones, or being woken up by cheesy musical selections from the 70s handpicked by engineering geeks at Mission Control,” Fingerhut told reporters. “But drinking urine? That just crosses some kind of line.”

Reporters pointed out the difficulties NASA faced in sending adequate supplies of pure, fresh drinking water into space, especially for the six-month long stints astronauts fulfilled on the Space Station.

“Not our problem,” Fingerhut told reporters. “If they can put a man on the Moon, surely they can get a few packs of Arrowhead into geosynchronous Earth orbit.”

“It’s bad enough that there’s no point whatsoever to the Space Station,” Fingerhut said. “Let’s tell the truth. No one on Earth, in NASA, in the media, or among the public, knows what the International Space Station is for. We astronauts know that the whole thing is a public relations thing, a government makework project that provides full employment for engineers.

“It’s a boondoggle only slightly more useful as an investment than the War in Iraq,” Fingerhut admitted. “And we astronauts all went along with the program, because it’s not like you can get a job as an astronaut down at Wal-Mart.”

Fingerhut said that “the entire astronaut corps” was quitting NASA over the issue of the agency’s “dishonesty over the water thing,” because it demonstrated a “lack of good faith” on the part of administrators.

“If they’re giving us recycled urine in Fiji Water bottles,” Fingerhut reasoned, “can we believe anything they tell us? Are we really in space at all? Or are we just in some big simulator somewhere? Did we ever really land on the moon, or is it just made of green cheese? Can anyone tell us? Anyone?”

Plaxico Burress: “I Thought A Terrorist Was Crawling Up My Pants Leg”

“Terrorists are sneaky,” New York Giants star running back Plaxico Burress told a hastily assembled Midtown South Police Station news conference, at which he offered an explanation for the incident early Saturday morning in which he fired a concealed handgun into his thigh while at a midtown nightclub.

“I fired my gun because I thought a terrorist was crawling up my pants leg,” Burress told reporters. “They’re everywhere, or so it seems. I figured that as a public figure, I might be a target for them. So I started carrying a loaded, unlicensed firearm as a means of protecting myself from them.”

Burress said that he had deliberately chosen not to register the firearm with local authorities because “Then the terrorists would know that I knew that they were looking for me. Because I keep a high profile as an athlete and as a nightclub-goer, I have to maintain the right strategies for self-protection. I find an unauthorized, loaded weapon to be such an effective strategy.”

Burress, who was booked and processed today for possession of an unlicensed, loaded weapon, acknowledged that the person brushing up against his leg was actually “a girl at the club who was smoking hot, but not as smoking hot as my thigh was after the gun went off.”

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Economists Urge Impoverished Americans To Spend Their Last Dollars On Junky Stuff

“It’s your patriotic duty to run up your credit cards and deplete your savings and buy anything in the stores,” Council of Economic Advisors Alfred C. Lundquist told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.

“Our economy depends on people spending their very last dollars on whatever they can find in the malls,” Lundquist told reporters. “If our savings rate doesn’t drop to negative five percent, our entire economy could go into the tank.”

Lundquist said that while he admired the desire of some Americans to save money for a rainy day, “as far as corporate America is concerned, that rainy day is here. And we want your wallets and purses to be our umbrellas, our shelter from the storm.”

Reporters asked Lundquist whether it made sense for Americans, whose job prospects were shaky and whose housing values were plunging, to take their hard-earned cash and just go shopping.

“If they don’t spend what they have,” Lundquist said, “the economy will tank for sure. We economists don’t like to admit it, but our entire nation depends on people spending approximately ten to fifteen percent more than they can afford, year after year after year.

“The only bright spot on the horizon,” Lundquist concluded, “is that with a Democratic administration taking over, if the American people runs out of money, the government can always just print more.”

LA Weathercaster, Sent Out To Track Storm 30 Years Ago, Finally Returns

Bob Jenkins, one of the most popular weathercasters in Los Angeles local TV news in the 1970s, emerged today after having been missing for 30 years in the Angeles National Forest.

“We sent Bob out to track a big rainstorm in 1979,” KTLA News 9 spokesperson Halle Fredericks told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference. “I guess we forgot we sent him out there. You know how busy things get in a newsroom.”

Jenkins, now 72, gaunt but in surprisingly good condition, lived on “nuts, berries, and squirrel meat,” Fredericks told reporters. “He would occasionally ransack the sleeping bags of homeless people or people who were out camping in the Forest. But to his credit, he never left his post.”

Fredericks said that Jenkins, now under observation at Thalians Mental Health Center at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, had a “unique work ethic that caused him to remain in the Angeles Forest for three decades, microphone in hand, earpiece in ear, waiting for the signal for him to come back to the studio.

“Unfortunately,” Fredericks said, “Jenkins never got that signal. It must have been a busy news day—maybe something with the economy or, I don’t know, some other big stories were happening. And we just forgot about Bob.”

As soon as Jenkins is released from Thalians, Fredericks said, he will return to the Angeles National Forest “because another winter storm is coming, and StormWatch 2000 will be tracking it in real time, with Bob Jenkins live from the Angeles National Forest.”

Monday, November 24, 2008

GM Cancels Tiger Woods Endorsement Deal: “He Didn’t Sell One Stinking Buick”

General Motors today announced the end of its endorsement deal with golfing legend Tiger Woods on the grounds that “He didn’t sell one stinking Buick,” GM CEO Rick Wagoner told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference.

“We thought we could snooker the American people into believing that Tiger actually drove a Buick,” Wagoner told reporters. “Looking back, it was irrational on our part. We’re a stodgy, boring, out-of-touch auto maker, and he’s an up-to-date, supercool, international icon.

“He should be endorsing Porsches, not Buicks,” Wagoner said. “It was a tragic waste of Mr. Woods’ time and credibility. We hope we haven’t hurt him too much, given his talent level and his likability.”

Wagoner said that the marketing strategy placing Woods behind the wheel of a Buick was based “not in reality but in the utmost form of wishful thinking, where you say to yourself, ‘Maybe this will save the GM brand from total irrelevance, collapse of market share, and humiliation on Wall Street.’

“Tiger may be able to put a 350 yard drive stiff to the pin,” Wagoner concluded, "but not even he could save GM.”

Thursday, November 20, 2008

In Surprise Move, Obama Names Wall-E Secretary Of State

President-Elect Barack Obama today named the Pixar animation figure Wall-E to the position of Secretary of State in his new administration, subject to confirmation by the Senate.

"Wall-E is uniquely able to bring about world peace, communicate with foreign leaders, and bridge the language barrier," Obama told a hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference. "He's going to be our clean-up hitter."

Most observers expected Obama to name Hillary Rodham Clinton (Sen, D-NY) to the post, because of her world travel, ability to overlook bad habits like adultery of political leaders, and large collection of wash-n-wear pantsuits.

"The world loves Wall-E," Obama told reporters. "He received a 97% approval rating on, which is 43 percentage points higher than Hillary's rating. The people have spoken and they want Wall-E."

Wall-E appeared in the eponymous Pixar film earlier in 2008, in which he saved the world from indolence, sloth, and large piles of trash.

"Wall-E is a lot like me," Obama said. "New on the scene, beloved worldwide, a lover, not a fighter, and his positions on everything are murky. Just the guy I need to represent our nation around the world.

"He's also a consummate collector," Obama added, "which is important, because when you're the Secretary of State you're always getting gifts from foreign leaders. Wall-E has the proven ability to organize and sort large numbers of different types of items."

When asked whether it was appropriate for the United States to be represented abroad by an animatronic figure, Obama replied, "I didn't see anyone objecting to Hillary, and she's about as animatronic as a human being can get."

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Religious Group Claims Owners Of All Homes Destroyed In Calif. Fires Voted Against Prop. 8

“God knows how you vote,” the Rev. Freddy Dumont told a hastily assembled Montecito, California news conference. “And the wages of voting for sin is you lose your house.”

Rev. Dumont told reporters that he was “not surprised” that the owners of all of the 1,000-plus homes destroyed in wildfires in recent days had voted against Prop. 8, a ballot initiative that amended the California Constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.

“You can lie to pollsters, but you can’t lie to the Lord,” Rev. Dumont said. “If you voted against Prop. 8, you’re getting a taste of the fires of Hell. Don’t confuse Election Day with the Day of Judgment. Vote against Prop. 8, you sealed your fate.”

Reporters pressed Rev. Dumont, leader of the Online Church of the Great Conservative And Right-Wing God, based somewhere in Orange County, as to how he knew that God knew the specific voting patterns of California homeowners.

“How could he not know?” Rev. Dumont responded. “Ain’t no hanging chad in heaven. No butterfly ballots in the Bible. Prop. 8 gets you through the pearly gates. If you decline, it’s the fire next time.”

Rev. Dumont said that individuals who voted against Prop. 8 but lived in areas not affected by fires “better drive carefully, look both ways before they cross the street, and avoid air travel until they repent.”

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Palin: I Will Lead GOP Down To Horrific Defeat In 2012

In a hastily assembled Anchorage, Alaska news conference, former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin today promised to lead her party to “horrific defeat” as its Presidential standard-bearer in 2012.

“There is a void in Republican Presidential politics,” Palin told reporters, “and I’m not just talking about George W. Bush.

“Republicans need a leader they can count on to take the party down to flaming, horrific electoral defeat in the next Presidential election,” she said. “I am that person.”

Palin pointed to the McCain campaign’s inability to detach itself from President Bush’s tattered legacy of war and financial crisis, as well as its failure to fully demonize Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s pastor and old friends, as reasons for its massive defeat at the polls last week.

“By 2012,” Palin said, “Obama will have gotten us out of Iraq, ended the banking crisis, and restored prosperity and pride at home and abroad. Someone is going to have to challenge him on a platform of mindless criticism, baseless allegations, and borderline racial innuendo that appeals to the conservative base.

“I intend to be that person.”

When asked by reporters whether Palin was motivated, at least in part, by the possibility of another shopping spree at Neiman-Marcus and other high end stores she had never heard of prior to the 2008 campaign, the Alaska governor offered a terse “no comment.”

GM: We Need $25 Billion Just For Spittoons, Hat Stands, White-Out

GM Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner today told a hastily assembled Detroit, Michigan news conference that the company needed an initial $25 billion bailout “just to cover our annual expenses for spittoons, hat stands, White-Out, and other essential items for our 57,000 executive offices.

“Dealing with our cash problems, obsolescent automobile line, union featherbedding, and health care costs will cost even more. But we’ve got to start somewhere.”

Wagoner said that “each of the 57,000 current GM executives, like their forebears going back to the founding of the company, is entitled by contract to a new spittoon and hat stand each year. We stand by our commitment to our executives to honor this clause in their contracts, which costs us roughly $19 billion a year.”

Wagoner also pointed to a $6 billion line item for White-Out, “because sometimes our typing pool makes errors if they can’t read their dictation that they took in their steno pads. We go through a lot of White-Out, because nobody’s perfect.”

Reporters pointed out that few, if any, current GM executives still chewed tobacco or had other uses for spittoons in their offices, and that those few execs who still wore hats could use the same hat stand for more than one year.

“Yes,” Wagoner replied, looking disdainfully at the reporters. “In theory, our executives could use the same hat stands for more than one year. And the same spittoons as well.

“But if they did, we wouldn’t be GM.”

Monday, November 10, 2008

At White House, Bush Gives Obama Advice; Collection of Blue Ties

President George W. Bush today declined to give President-elect Barack Obama any specifics about national security or economic issues, instead offering Obama his extensive collection of Presidential-looking blue ties.

“I always wear a blue tie with little sparkly patterns when I’m meeting foreign leaders,” President Bush told Obama at a hastily assembled White House photo op. “Foreign leaders, especially ones from really tiny little countries, get kind of Mesmerized by sparkly patterns.”

“When I meet with Congress,” President Bush continued, “I prefer a light blue tie, because the light tie seems very conciliatory. If I meet with business leaders, I go with a bold blue tie, maybe with stripes, to indicate my support for the free market system.”

President-elect Obama repeatedly tried to interrupt the President’s lecture about ties with questions about al Qaeda, the banking crisis, and the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks, but President Bush appeared to be more comfortable talking about neckwear, according to reporters.

“Brooks Brothers makes nice ties,” the President told the President-elect, “but I like Italian ties because they’re a little snazzier. And you don’t have to worry about the whole made-in-America thing. Every tie is made in China or maybe Vietnam, which is ironic, because people don’t even wear ties in those countries, unless they’re going to meet some American business people.”

President-elect Obama asked President Bush a question about the bailout of the banking industry.

“I’ll give you a little hint,” the President said. “Always have a Secret Service agent carry an extra blue tie, along with the nuclear codes. Because it’s more likely that you’ll spill some pasta sauce on your tie than have to blow up the former Soviet Union.”

NYC To Rename All Bridges, Tunnels, Highways After Losing Presidential Candidates

New York City has announced that in addition to renaming the Triborough Bridge after the late Robert F. Kennedy, all roads and crossings will also be renamed after losing Presidential candidates.

"Typically, we name things for winners," New York mayor Michael R. Bloomberg told a hastily assembled Gracie Mansion news conference. "We renamed the Triborough for RFK, which we think is a beautiful gesture. But why stop there? Why not name everything after people who lost?"

Mayor Bloomberg said that the George Washington Bridge will be renamed for Walter Mondale, the West Side Highway for John Kerry, and the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge will be named for Bob Dole. Other roadways and crossings will be renamed "as soon as our painting and signage crews can get to them."

"We know that some people will still call the John McCain Tunnel the Queens-Midtown Tunnel," the Mayor allowed. "And that some won't call the Cross-Bronx Expressway by its new name, the Mario Cuomo. It takes time for these kinds of changes to stick. Again, why should winners get all the glory?"

Mayor Bloomberg said that after this round of changes takes effect, "We will be renaming the Queensborough Bridge, also known as the 59th Street Bridge, 'The Governor Sarah Palin Bridge To Nowhere."

Friday, November 7, 2008

Spitzer, Cleared Of Federal Charges, Seeks Refund From Call Girl

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, cleared by federal prosecutors of criminal responsibility for his role in a prostitution scandal that cost him his office, today his announced that he wanted a “full refund” from the call girl he had hired.

“If I’m not being charged with a crime,” Spitzer told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, “then what I did wasn’t solicitation. In legal terms, the young lady and I went on a date. And I want my money back.”

Spitzer stepped down from the New York Governor’s office after allegations that he had used high-priced prostitution services while on official visits to Washington, D.C.

“I think of it now as an extramarital relationship that didn’t work out,” Spitzer said. “If the young lady would only be fair, she would recognize that the thousands of dollars I left on the nighttable really ought to be returned.

“I intend to put the money to good use,” Spitzer promised. “I will use the bulk of it to start a foundation to keep young women from getting involved with men like me in the first place. And I will use the rest to buy my wife a gift. Maybe some jewelry or a new car. If she’ll ever talk to me again.”

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Poll: Obama Supporters Already Disillusioned, Asking “Where’s The Change?”

A CBS News/GQ/Conde Nast Traveler/Penthouse Magazine post-election poll reported that 86% of Obama voters are already disillusioned with the President-elect, agreeing with the statement that “He won the job two days ago and so far he’s accomplished nothing.”

Poll spokesman Alfredo Johnson told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that more than five out of six Obama voters have “lost faith” in the new President because their lives are “exactly the same as they were before the election.

“The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are still going on,” Johnson said. “The banking system is as screwed up as ever. Global warming is still happening and the economy’s in the tank. And what’s Barack done so far? Nothing. That’s what we’re hearing from Democrats.”

When asked whether the electorate was being “too impatient” with the newly chosen President-elect, Johnson shrugged.

“I see their point,” he said. “They were promised change, they voted for change, and they don’t see any change. I mean, how much longer does this guy need to get stuff done? Suddenly Sarah Palin in 2012 is looking like the real thing.”

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

California Prop. 8, Outlawing Gay Marriage, Requires Return Of All Wedding Gifts

A little-known provision of Proposition 8 passed yesterday by California voters requires all gay and lesbian married couples to return all wedding gifts to those who gave them.

"If you're going to outlaw gay marriage, then they have to return the presents," Andrew Lichtenbach, a spokesman for Yes On 8 told a hastily assembled West Hollywood news conference. "Fair is fair."

Lichtenbach told reporters that he "empathized" with gay couples that had registered for china patterns, glassware, or other gifts. "But the law is the law, and the California state constitution now requires all those things to go back to the stores they came from."

Lichtenbach said that supporters of Prop. 8 weren't trying to be "punitive. It's just that the privileges of marriage are now reserved under California law for heterosexuals, and that includes wedding gifts."

Proposition 8 does not specify whether gay couples will be allowed to keep "photo albums, DVDs, or imprinted matchboxes or yarmulkes," Lichtenbach said. "This is something that the California Supreme Court will have to rule on."

Lichtenbach said that gay couples would be allowed to keep "up to three slices of frozen wedding cake for their first anniversary celebrations. We may be bigoted, homophobic, and uninterested in the humanity of our fellow men and women. But we aren't heartless."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

U.S. Supreme Court Nullifies Obama Victory “Because He’s Black”

In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court tonight nullified the Presidential election of Democratic candidate Barack Obama “because he’s Black.”

The Supreme Court, claiming to act of its own volition, set aside Obama’s victory on the ground that the Founding Fathers “would never have expected a person of color to ascend to the Presidency.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, in a hastily written opinion in the case of A Bunch Of Angry Republican White Guys v. Obama, “When America was founded, we really only expected white people to become U.S. President. A strict construction of the Constitution, we believe, forbids everyone except, you know, white guys to be President.”

Roberts wrote in his decision that the judicial precedent of Bush v. Gore allowed the Supreme Court “to set aside the will of the people if enough important people tell us that we should.

“Can we really throw out lawfully chosen Presidential election results? Yes, we can!”

Monday, November 3, 2008

Terrorist Sleeper Cell Oversleeps, Fails To Destroy Electoral College

Fourteen members of the self-styled Election Martyrs Brigade slept late after a long night of martyr-related partying and failed to complete their mission, the location and destruction of the Electoral College.

"We are embarrassed for our cause and will try again in four years," the sleeper cell leader who only identified himself as "Freddy" told a hastily assembled Alexandria, Virginia news conference.

The Election Martyrs Brigade was to have spent the day before Election Day locating the Electoral College and then "blowing it up with bombs," "Freddy" told reporters. "But ever since 9/11 you Americans have become much smarter about security. We couldn't even locate the Electoral College with the Internet."

"Freddy" said that his sleeper cell consisted of two of his brothers, three brothers-in-law, and eight neighbors from their village, in a country they chose not to identify "because you Americans will retaliate and blow our mud huts back to the Stone Age.

"Although to tell you the truth," "Freddy" added, "since we're living in mud huts, you could say we're already living in the Stone Age."

"Freddy" told reporters that his sleeper cell had all found jobs in the Alexandria, Virginia area, that most of them had American girlfriends, and that three were taking college courses "or going for their G.E.D. And they all like to party, so frankly I'm not surprised that we all slept in."

The Electoral College was a "natural target" for terror, "Freddy" told reporters, since "every other government building or institution, bridge, tunnel, or power grid was under careful watch.

We hacked the Secret Service internal website and could not find a single reference to guards guarding the Electoral College. So we figured it would be the perfect target on the eve of the election."

"Freddy" said that the 13 other members of his sleeper cell would "get together, maybe this weekend, and start planning our next event. Although quite frankly, life as members of a sleeper cell has proven to be much more attractive than martyring ourselves for our cause, which none of us still remembers at this point.

"But our message to the faculty of the Electoral College is this: be afraid. Be very afraid. Four years from tonight, our sleeper cell will awaken.

"As long as my brother-in-law remembers to set the alarm."

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Joe Biden To Talk Nonstop Between Now And Election Day

"Other candidates merely travel nonstop between appearances in the final days of a Presidential campaign," Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden told a hastily assembled Peoria, Illinois news conference. "I'm gonna talk nonstop between now and Tuesday night."

Biden's unprecedented pledge would mean that "There will be something for every voter coming out of my mouth," he said. "Some people like stuff that makes sense. Some people like crazy assertions not grounded in any kind of reality. Other people like Dr. Seuss-like rhymes. I promise to keep talking and thus satisfy the expectations of every voter in every state."

Biden said he expected to speak at a rate of "100 words per minute, which is 6,000 words an hour, or 432,000 words between now and when the polls close Tuesday on the West Coast. This torrent of political jargon is sure to please everyone in the nation, which is what I like to do, anyway."

In the event that he ran out of original things to say, Biden said, he would "read out loud the phone book, or Ulysses, or the collected speeches of Neil Kinnock for political junkies feeling nostalgic for the 1980s. On behalf of Barack Obama, I shall not be still."

McCain Suffering From "McGwire Effect" As Supporters Are Too Embarrassed To Tell Pollsters They'll Vote For Him

Senator John McCain today coined the expression "The McGwire Effect" to explain why his supporters were "embarrassed and ashamed" to tell pollsters they supported him.

"This election will be much closer than anyone thinks," McCain told a hastily assembled Richmond, Virginia news conference. "Watch for the McGwire Effect on Tuesday."

McCain was apparently referring to retired baseball slugger Mark McGwire, a white man, who was competing with Sammy Sosa in 1998 for the home run crown.

"People were afraid to come out and say they were rooting for McGwire," McCain told reporters. "They didn't want to appear racist. Similarly, people who are voting for me can't bring themselves to tell pollsters that fact. I guess they don't want to look stupid."

The McGwire Effect, McCain said, was the "reverse image" of the so-called Bradley Effect, named for Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, indicating that white voters told pollsters they were voting for Bradley but then voted against him and supported his white opponent.

"Big Mac McGwire beat Sammy Sosa," McCain told reporters. "And Big Mac McCain's gonna win on Tuesday. Even if half my voters are too ashamed to tell pollsters they're on my side."

Hillary Clinton, Campaigning In Florida, Receives Only Blank Stares

In a surprising demonstration of how quickly the American public forgets people who were famous only a few months earlier, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton campaigned throughout Florida on behalf of her former rival, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, and received only puzzled looks, blank stares, and a lot of people just scratching their heads.

"She has a very familiar face," an Ocala, Florida voter told the Dissociated Press. "But I'm not sure I remember exactly who she is."

Clinton told reporters at a hastily assembled West Palm Beach, Florida news conference that she was "disappointed, but not surprised, at the lack of recognition I received in her campaign appearances this weekend. People move on with their lives. I can't say it doesn't hurt, though."

Clinton said that despite the fact that few in Florida seemed to remember who exactly she was, she would continue to stump on Obama's behalf until Tuesday's election.

"You have to not take things like that personally," she told reporters. "I told them that I was Bill Clinton's wife, and they seemed to remember who he was, so that's a positive, I guess."

Clinton said that the most surprising experience of the weekend campaigning was the fact that so many Florida voters "seemed to think I was either Phyliss Schlafly, Barbara Walters, or Anita Bryant. I wasn't sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.

"How quickly they forget."

People In Foreign Countries Continue To Kill Each Other In Large Numbers For No Apparent Meaningful Reason

Dashing hopes that the new millenium would end horrific violence in war-torn nations around the world, individuals and political groups continued to kill each other in large numbers this weekend, for reasons that appeared trivial to everyone except those doing the killing.

"We are killing our enemies and God's enemies," Hamil Farbeshun, a spokesman for all of the people and groups on the planet committed to senselessly slaughtering their neighbors and total strangers. "What we are doing is good."

Farbeshun said that across the world, "people were seeking to do very bizarre things, like live in peace with their neighbors, earn a living, and raise their children. We believe people like that need to be killed."

Farbeshun said that a "loose alliance" of violent, blood-thirsty individuals and groups across the planet had declared November "International Killing Month" and had set quotas of killing "thousands, if not millions of people worldwide."

Human rights groups, the United Nations, and anyone with half a brain in his head deplored the killings, a fact that "meant nothing" to Farbeshun.

"All these people busy running around deploring what they call senseless violence aren't here in the trenches with us," he said. "If they could only see the innocent people we find so annoying, just spend one day with us, I'm sure they'd start killing, too."

McCain: Nothing Humiliating About Trivializing My Entire Career On SNL

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, trailing in the polls even in many reliably red states, today told a hastily assembled Rockefeller Center news conference that there was "nothing humiliating" about trivializing his entire career with his pre-election appearance on Saturday Night Live.

"I kind of enjoyed it," McCain said. "They gave me a script and I read someone else's words. I understand a lot of politicians do that all the time."

McCain angrily denied reporters' insinuations that his campaign was so far behind Obama's that he had to "humiliate himself and prostitute his record as a serious individual" by appearing on the NBC comedy program.

"Clinton played sax on Arsenio Hall and Schwartneggar announced his candidacy for the governor of California on Leno," McCain pointed out. "I'm just following in a noble tradition of candidates showing their lighter sides."

Reporters pointed out to McCain that those appearances took place early in the campaigns of those other candidates and that his QVC spoof on Saturday Night Live "had the air of desperation."

"I'm not desperate," McCain insisted, sounding desperate. "In fact, our tracking polls revealed that we picked up at least half a point among voters too dumb to know the difference between Saturday Night Live and The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric. And that's a lot of voters."

McCain said that there was nothing "pathetic, undignified or demeaning about seeing my entire Presidential campaign reduced to third-rate comedy." He added that "world leaders were not likely to see the broadcast anyway, because the show comes on so late, so it wouldn't damage my standing as a statesman."

If today's poll numbers continue to reflect an "SNL bounce," McCain concluded, he would "take a pie in the face in Ohio, wear big floppy clown shoes at a campaign appearance in Virginia, and campaign in Florida with Andrew 'Dice' Clay, Jackie Mason, and Shecky Green."

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Idaho Proposition Would Give Fetuses The Right To Vote

"I'm fertilized and I vote!"

That's the message seen on bumper stickers all over Idaho, because Proposition Q on the Idaho state ballot would give fetuses the right to vote.

While laws in other states give fertilized eggs various forms of legal protection, this is the first time that they would enjoy the right to vote.

"We believe that fetuses are people, too," Diane Hendrickson, spokesperson for Idaho Voter Fetuses, or IVF, told a hastily assembled Boise news conference. "Just because you haven't been born yet doesn't mean you should be denied the right to vote."

Hendrickson said that physicians are "working on a test to determine the voting position of a fetus, based on how it lays in the uterus. So far, though, they all seem to be against abortion."

When asked by reporters whether the proposition granting fetuses voting rights was just simply a gimmick of the religious right to get Republican voters who aren't McCain supporters to the polls, Hendrickson offered a terse "no comment."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Poll: Keep Electoral College, Get Rid Of Presidency

87 percent of Americans surveyed in a recent CNN-NBC-ESPN-Hustler Magazine poll indicated that they would like to see the electoral college remain in existence but that the country needs to get rid of the Presidency.

“An increasingly high number of Americans now views the Presidency as an outdated, anachronistic, potentially dangerous institution,” Augustus Thompson, a spokesman for the poll, told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.

“The Presidency is an 18th century concept that has no place in a 21st century world,” Thompson said. “At least that’s what we’re hearing from registered voters.

Thompson said people who answered pollsters’ questions agreed that the electoral college “has never sent this country into war, has never created a scandal like Watergate or Iran-Contra, and has never been caught having sex with an intern.”

The electoral college, Thompson said, “is pretty much the only respectable political institution left.”

Many have criticized the electoral college because it reduces the Presidential contest to a handful of battleground states, but “few voters seem to mind that their votes don’t count,” Thompson said. “They feel that if they’re in a non-battleground state, at least their consciences are clean, because they didn’t put yet another yahoo in the Oval Office.”

World Series Broadcaster Miller "Astonished" To Discover He Has Broadcast Partner In The Booth

Longtime World Series radio announcer Jon Miller told a hastily assembled Philadelphia, Pennsylvania news conference that he was “astonished, blown away, amazed” to learn that he actually had a broadcast partner, baseball Hall of Famer Joe Morgan.

“I’ve seen him around over the years,” Miller admitted, “but I thought he worked for Fox Sports or something, perhaps on the technical staff. Frankly, it was annoying to hear his voice offering a commentary on top of my commentary. I just thought he was mumbling instructions to the guys in the truck. I had no idea he was my co-announcer.”

Miller and Morgan have been co-announcing the World Series since 2001, but last night’s clinching Game 5 of the 2008 World Series was the first time that the men had been formally introduced.

“I’m embarrassed to say,” Miller continued, “that I asked security to remove Joe from the broadcasting booth because his talking had turned from a tiny rivulet of baseball conversation to an irritating tsunami of baseball memories. That’s when my producer quietly took me aside and explained exactly who Morgan was and what his role was as my partner.”

Miller admitted that was always so immersed in preparation for the games that he “didn’t pay proper attention to the people around me. I mean, there are 25 people on each team, and some of them have funny names that you have to learn to pronounce. I don’t always have time to introduce myself around.”

Miller said that he was “pleased” to have a broadcast partner, especially one with Hall of Fame credentials, and that he planned to use the off-season to discuss with production officials how to make the move from being a solo broadcaster, “or at least thinking I was one, to an actual broadcast team.”