Monday, June 30, 2008

Obama, McCain Accidentally Choose Same Vice Presidential Candidate

The Obama and McCain campaigns today announced, at two hastily arranged Washington, D.C. news conferences, that they had accidentally chosen the same Vice Presidential candidate, who accepted both offers and will campaign on both tickets.

Former Senator Lyman Foster of Georgia, 61, first elected to the U.S. Senate as a Republican, ran and won his second term as a Democrat, and spent his third and last term in the Senate as an independent.

Foster won each of his victories by resounding margins, desipte the fact that voters had no idea of what he actually stood for. He will run this fall on an Obama/Foster ticket and also as part of a McCain/Foster ticket.

"We asked him first," a spokesman for Obama told reporters. "It was our idea to make Foster a vice presidential candidate. The McCain people are just copycats."

"We were planning on asking him all the time," a McCain spokesman told reporters. "It's just that Senator McCain misplaced his phone number. He looked for it everywhere. He would have asked Foster sooner, but he couldn't find the number."

Foster won respect from fellow Senators on both sides of the aisle during his 18 years in the Senate but often had trouble making up his mind; this fact appeared to have played a large role in his decision to run for Vice President on both the Republican and Democratic lines.

Foster brings unique bipartisan credentials that make him an ideal Vice Presidential candidate for both sides.

"He's strong on foreign policy, he's Caucasian, he's older, and he's a somewhat bitter, religious gun-lover from an economically depressed small town, which helps Obama with certain key constituencies," Professor Paul Martland of the University of South Idaho, a noted expert on vice presidential candidates, told the Dissociated Press.

"And he's neat and tidy," Martland observed, "and he can remember where he left his car keys, speeches, and nuclear codes, so he brings some needed stability to McCain's somewhat chaotic campaign style."

When asked how the two campaigns could "share" a vice presidential candidate, Martland noted that there was no precedent for this phenomenon in American political history.

"But there is when kids play football or softball," Martland noted, "when one kid, usually the best athlete, either plays quarterback for both teams or pitches for both teams. That's pretty much what we're looking at here."

Other characteristics of Foster that make him appealing to both sides are his stands for and against the Iraq War, for and against capital punishment, for and against tax hikes, and for and against prayer in public schools.

"He's the perfect Vice President for modern times," Martland said. "Whatever you like, he likes, but if you don't like it, neither does he. Because he never sticks to any one position for very long, to put it simply, the guy just can't lose."

Sunday, June 29, 2008

CalTech Scientists Have Proof There's No Such Thing As Art Bell

A panel of eminent CalTech scientists told a hastily assembled Pasadena news conference that there is no scientific evidence to support the existence of rumored late night radio host Art Bell.

"Despite countless reported sightings," Ed Walters, a CalTech specialist in paranormal science, "Art Bell is no more real than Sasquach, space aliens, or the Loch Ness Monster."

Walters and two colleagues had called the news conference to announce the "definitive" findings of a six-year probe into the presumed existence of the legendary late-night broadcaster.

"People claim that his voice has been 'broadcast' over a medium called 'radio,'" Walters said. "I don't know where people get these ideas. And when economic times are hard, there are more claimings of Art Bell 'sightings' or 'hearings' than ever. The American public can be extremely gullible."

The most recent Art Bell sighting involved two Nevada women who claimed that Bell "beamed them up to the 'mother ship' for several days of sexual experimentation," Walters told reporters. "Further investigation that the person they thought was Art Bell was actually a retired Greyhound bus driver, and that the 'mother ship' was actually a double-wide trailer 62 miles outside of Reno."

"People, there's no such thing as Art Bell," Walters concluded. "I hate to burst your bubble. But despite all the descriptions we've received of a man with dark hair, grey at the temples, wearing big, aviator-like glasses, and possessing a rumbling basso profundo voice, Art Bell is just a figment of the collective imaagination.

"The more interesting question is why so many Americans need to believe in an Art Bell in the first place."

Christie's Sets Record For Gallon of 1979 Light, Sweet Crude

Christie's, the world's leading auction house, today announced at a hastily arranged New York news conference a new record for a gallon of 1979, light sweet crude.

"Its light fruity taste recalls the era of 'Freeze a Yankee' and Three Mile Island," Jean St. Reynaud, a spokesman for Christie's, told reporters.

The gallon of crude oil sold at auction to an anonymous bidder for $3.79 million.

"As the price of crude oil has exploded," St. Reynaud said, "wealthy collectors around the globe are increasingly interested in gallons of gasoline with historical significance. And it's a practical investment, as a hedge against the further rise of oil prices. You can either lay it down in your cellar, or use it to power your Bentley."

The new record price easily eclipsed the previous highest price ever paid at auction for a gallon of crude oil, $2.67 million for a gallon of East Texas Intermediate, sold to baseball Hall of Famer and renowned crude oil collector Reggie Jackson.

Pressed for details about the buyer of what is currently the world's most expensive gallon of crude, St. Reynaud put a finger to his lips and said, "She is a famous heiress to a leading hotel family. That's all I can say. But when you think about crude, you surely think about her."

Taliban Executioner Defects, Claiming Beheadings Gave Him PTSD

An unnamed member of the Taliban today surrendered to American forces in Afghanistan, claiming that beheading enemies had given him a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.

“You think it’s easy?” the defecting Taliban member said. “First you have to climb into a Toyota with your victim blindfolded and screaming for mercy. Then you enter a soccer stadium with 20,000 screaming people. Then he screams even louder when you start cutting his throat, and the people start screaming louder still when you parade around the soccer pitch, waving his head to the crowd.

“I’m just looking for a little peace and quiet in my life.”

When asked whether he felt remorse for the “upwards of 750” executions in which he admitted to have been involved, the unnamed Taliban member looked askance at reporters.

“They had it coming,” he said disgustedly. “They were enemies of the people. It’s not the beheadings that bother me. It’s the decibel level. As I said, I just want some peace and quiet from all that screaming. That’s why I admire America. Lethal injection—it’s as quiet as a reading room in a library. Perfect.”

A spokesman for U.S. forces told a hastily assembled Kabul news conference that this was the first example ever of a Taliban member defecting and claiming PTSD.

“We will evaluate his claim in an approach keeping with the Geneva Convention,” the spokesman told the Dissociated Press. “He’s real good with a scythe. He might have a future cutting sugar cane near Gitmo.”

FDA: Ho Hos, Ding Dongs Only “Completely Safe” Foods

An FDA spokesperson told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that tomatos affected by salmonella were not the only potentially dangerous foods on the market today.

“We’ve tested everything,” Sharon Detweiler told reporters. “And the only foods that get 100% safety ratings are Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. We’re embarrassed that it’s come to this, but nothing else is even remotely healthy, for children or adults.”

Fish contain increasingly high levels of PCPs, mercury, and pollutants, Detweiler said. Chicken and poultry often contain disease due to the manner in which they are processed. Red meat contributes to high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Tap water, and even some forms of bottled water, contain traces of medications including estrogen replacement drugs and antidepressants, which do not wash out in the water purification process.

Chemicals, stabilizers, preservatives, food dye, pesticides, and other artificial ingredients were found in practically every packaged food, fruit, vegetable, and dairy product, Detweiler told reporters.

“If you want to eat something that is really free of anything harmful to your health,” Detweiler said, “the only things the U.S. government can wholeheartedly recommend are processed snack foods Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. They are free of harmful chemicals, pesticides, and pollutants. And they taste good, too.”

Asked whether the FDA was recommending a diet based primarily on these items, Detweiler said, “Yes, absolutely. And when Hostess comes out with its new line of organic Twinkies, things will be even better. Our new Food Pyramid features Ho Hos and Ding Dongs on top, Captain Crunch in the middle, and Pringles on the bottom.”

As for a link between increased obesity and the new recommended eating plan, Ms. Detweiler said, “Obesity is a small price to pay for freedom from all these dangerous additives."

Until the new Food Pyramid takes hold, Ms. Detweiler said, the FDA is recommending a new warning label on all food: “Eating is hazardous to your health.”

Kobe Quits NBA, Forms Own League

Basketball superstar Kobe Bryant quit the NBA at a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference today, announcing that he was forming his own league.

“The NBA isn’t what it used to be,” Bryant said, during a break from training with the U.S. Olympic Basketball team. “It isn’t any fun anymore. I just want to do my own thing now.”

Bryant said his new league, the KBA or Kobe Basketball Association, will feature “more superstars, better refereeing, hotter cheerleaders, and more championships won by the team I’ll play for, the Los Angeles Kobes.”

Bryant denied that his decision had anything to do with the Lakers’ recent thrashing by the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals.

“I respect the Celtics,” Bryant said. “They assembled a team of true superstars, by tanking games year after year so they could get high draft picks, which they could trade for mercenary players who had no real feel for Boston’s winning tradition. My hat is off to the entire Celtics organization for the underhanded way in which they orchestrated a championship team that the entire New England region has yet to rally behind in a meaningful, heartfelt way.”

Bryant said that the KBA will be different, as the Los Angeles Kobes play other teams’ superstars one-on-one for the right to participate in the KBA Finals, to be known as the Kobe Classic. The winner will receive the Bryant Trophy, named for KBA superstar Kobe Bryant.

“I think the people have spoken,” Kobe said. “NBA ratings have been sliding for years. People want more of me and less of everyone else. And I can’t blame them.”

Rally to Protest High Gas Prices Cancelled, Due to High Gas Prices

A proposed Washington, D.C. protest against the soaring cost of gasoline has been cancelled, due to the soaring cost of gasoline, a spokesman told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.

“People can’t afford to drive here and protest,” Michael Adams, organizer of the Million Mile March, told reporters. “They can’t even afford bus fare.”

Spiking gas costs have already begun to change the way Americans live, Adams said, cutting into the ability of ordinary citizens to drive their cars to work or school, and taking an increasingly large bite out of their budgets.

“Combine this with the housing crisis and you don’t have a Million Mile March,” Adams told reporters. “You have a million mile mess.”

Adams said that if gas prices continues their stubborn rise, Americans would have to make additional changes in their lifestyle, including “quitting jobs for which they have long commutes, leaving the cash economy for a barter system based on smooth rocks and shiny stones, and heating their homes with peat.”

A spokesman for the oil industry said that oil industry executives were unavailable for comment, because they were all out on their yachts, gorging themselves on caviar and Champagne.

Bush Admits Defeat in Iraq, Seeks Reparations, Favorable Terms

“We lost,” a contrite President George W. Bush told reporters at a hastily assembled Baghdad news conference. “The war is over, and Iraq is victorious. Today we ask the Iraqi government, assuming there really is one, to deal kindly with our vanquished nation, provide reparations, and rebuild our infrastructure.”

President Bush outlined an approach he hoped the Iraqi government would take, based on the Marshall Plan that rebuilt Europe after World War II.

“First,” the President said, “we hope that Iraq, flush with oil money, will rebuild our nation’s inner cities, providing our citizens with safe streets, fine hospitals, and decent schools.

“Next,” he said, “we look to Iraq to protect our borders, so that we have a chance to rebuild our economy, now in tatters because of the high cost of gas, the mortgage crisis, and other reasons.

“Finally,” the President told reporters, “we hope that Iraq will be as gracious in victory as we are humble and contrite in defeat. We hope that Iraq will establish a Peace Corps and send volunteers into American neighborhoods to share with us the fundamentals of their successful society: religious intolerance, complete personal insecurity, and an electricity grid that operates for at least four hours a day.”

“We lost because we ignored the lessons of Vietnam,” the President said, which were, “Never get into a war with a country with less to lose than you have. I hope this is a lesson to future American Presidents. That is, if the leaders of Iraq ever let us have one.”

Friday, June 27, 2008

Teary-Eyed Bill Gates Leaves Microsoft

Bill Gates shed tears as he left the top post at Microsoft, the company he founded 33 years ago, at a hastily assembled Bellevue, Washington gathering of employees who watched Gates and fellow Microsoft leader Steve Ballmer reminisce.

"Remember the time we took WordPerfect, that really brilliant competitor of ours, with a much better word processing program than ours, and crushed them like a bug," Gates asked Ballmer, "just because we could?"

Tears flowed freely as Ballmer recalled that moment, and then shared one of his own. "Remember the time we made all those antitrust lawyers stay up for four straight nights? When we were pretending we couldn't make up our minds about how to fight a government injunction? Just because we could?"

Gates dabbed at his eyes. "That was a beautiful memory," he shared. "Remember the time we ordered 400,000 pizzas and had them delivered to Apple? And we were hiding in the bushes across from their offices and watching all the pizza guys get in fistfights? Just because we could?"

The entire audience of employees was also weeping with fondness for the memories the two longtime Microsoft leaders were sharing.

"And remember the time," Ballmer added, "that we sold the American public--actually, the whole world--software that we hadn't fully debugged? And we made the whole world into our beta testers? So that everybody had to buy our software and then tell us about how to fix it, and then we could charge more money for updated versions? Just because we could?"

Gates nodded, openly sobbing by now. "Think about all the money we've sucked out of the world economy, and all the competitors we've destroyed through our untramelled use of our monopoly power, by becoming the sole superpower in software!"

And then the two men, their faces wet with tears, put their arms around each other and cried, "Just because we could!"

Yankees Deny Tanking Games To Get LeBron, Wade

A spokesman for the New York Yankees heatedly denied reports that the Yankees were tanking games in order to have a shot at perennial NBA All-Stars LeBron James and Dwayne Wade when they become free agents in 2010.

Yankees spokesman Warren LeBlanc told reportera at a hastily arranged Bronx, New York news conference that "We're doing everything we can to win, right now. We're not even thinking about two years from now, when LeBron and Dwayne become free agents."

The Yankees are seeking to regain their postseason swagger in a baseball era marked by parity, mediocrity, and precious few free agents who can make a difference for a team with big needs and a bigger checkbook. Rumors have been swirling recently that the Yankees were looking to the two NBA superstars to bring them back to October glory.

"Michael Jordan couldn't hit a curve ball," LeBlanc said, "so what would we want with Lebron and Wade? I mean, who would believe this stuff?"

A reporter confronted LeBlanc with an internal Yankees email indicating that "Even if they [James and Wade] can't help us on the field, they'll sell a lot of tickets and get us [better] ratings."

"Well, we're not completely opposed to seeing LeBron and Dwayne in pinstripes," LeBranc admitted, backtracking. "After all, we've seen that LeBron is a Yankees fan, wearing his Yankees cap in public, and everybody loves those ads with Dwayne and Charles Barkley. If we can't win the World Series, at least we can be in Charles's Top Five."

When reporters pressed LeBlanc on the ludicrousness of tanking games for two years in order to have a shot at winning in 2010, LeBlanc shot back, "Well, the Knicks and the Nets are doing it, and nobody's criticizing them. Anyway, the whole thing is Hank's idea. You think it's stupid, talk to him."

Series of Near-Misses Nearly Mar Obama-Clinton Unity Rally

A strange series of near-mishaps came close to casting an unpleasant shadow on an otherwise picture-perfect rally in Unity, New Hampshire featuring the first joint post-campaign appearance of Democratic Presidential rivals Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“Oops!” Sen. Clinton was heard to say, as she tripped on the jetway stairs leading to the private jet the pair flew from Washington to Manchester, New Hampshire, nearly pushing Sen. Obama to the tarmac 20 feet below.

“My bad!” Sen. Clinton interjected when, on the flight, she nearly spilled a ten gallon container of boiling hot coffee onto the presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee, who jumped out of the way at the last second.

“Clumsy me!” Sen. Clinton admitted, as she accidentally fell backwards boarding the bus from Manchester to Unity, N.H., nearly causing Sen. Obama to topple over into a bank of TV cameras with unusually sharp lenses.

“I’m such a ditz,” Sen. Clinton acknowledged, as she bent down to look for a contact lens just as Sen. Obama stepped in her path to the dais at the hastily assembled campaign rally in Unity.

“Who gave me this locked and loaded assault weapon?” Sen. Clinton asked, confused, as she inadvertently pointed the weapon at various dignitaries, with whom Sen. Obama was shaking hands as the rally began.

“I’m such a doofus,” Sen. Clinton told reporters, as she accidentally pulled the pin on a live hand grenade at the conclusion of the event, sending onlookers scurrying for the exits and pinning Sen. Obama under a scrum of Secret Service agents.

“I’m all for party unity,” Sen. Clinton said, as she swung her arms wide to acknowledge thousands of her cheering supporters, as she unwittingly almost knocked Sen. Obama to the pavement which was mistakenly strewn with broken glass. “Can we still hope to see Hillary Clinton at the top of the ticket? Yes, we can!”

Home Invaders Protest Supreme Court Gun Control Ruling

A spokesman for the American Criminals Association today condemned the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision striking down gun control laws. ACA President Joe Avildson told a hastily assembled Leavenworth, Kansas news conference that the decision “puts at profound risk the nation’s criminals” and that his group would fight “to the last bad guy” to overturn the decision.

“Our work is dangerous enough as it is,” Avildson, currently incarcerated for a 1990s home invasion spree. “Think of what a mailman goes through, times a million. We’ve got to deal with vicious attack dogs, silent alarm systems, elderly widows armed with baseball bats…and now this?

“Gun control laws are the only way we have to level the playing field,” Avildson said. “If we go into a home just to steal some stuff, now we can be shot to death. It’s uncivilized, it’s uncouth, and it’s un-American. Whatever happened to the America I knew, before my most recent convictions for armed robbery and pistol-whipping some dude behind the counter in a 7-11?”

Avildson noted the Court’s sharp 5-4 division indicated “considerable sympathy for the rights of us bad guys. As it is, the cops have guns. The drug dealers on the streetcorners have guns. You let the people have guns, and you know what we home invaders become? An endangered species. Is that what America wants?”

According to its website, The ACA had immediately begun plans for a “Million Mugger March” on Washington. “We want all of our members who are either on parole or on the lam to join us. We’re the real losers here.”

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Supreme Court Slashes Exxon Valdez Verdict, Citing “Free Oil Was A Gift”

Supreme Court Justice David Souter told a hastily arranged Washington, D.C. news conference that the Court had reduced the verdict against ExxonMobil for the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill by $4.5 billion because “the appeals court had overlooked Exxon’s gift of 10 million gallons of oil to the people of Alaska.”

“The Court is shocked by the ingratitude of Alaskans toward Exxon,” Justice Souter said. “I mean, here’s an oil company recognizing that there’s a lot of, you know, poverty and deprivation. We’re talking Alaska here. It’s like, what do you get cross the South Bronx with the South Pole? Alaska!

“And people in Alaska burn a lot of oil,” the Justice continued, “because it’s so cold in the winter. And here comes this incredibly generous company, freely donating more than 10 million gallons of oil to the Alaskan people. No strings attached. You don’t have to get Exxon credit cards. It’s just like, here’s some oil, people.

“And then these Eskimos—they’re lucky to be Americans, for God’s sake—stab Exxon in the back and file a lawsuit,” Souter added, shaking his head angrily. “Have they no shame?”

The original penalty against Exxon, the predecessor company to ExxonMobil, was $5 billion. The Supreme Court yesterday reduced the verdict to $507 million. ExxonMobil’s profit for 2008 was $40.6 billion, which means that the newly lowered verdict amounts to approximately four days’ profit for the giant oil company. Thousands of Alaskans may be pushed into bankruptcy by the Court’s decision.

“If we had allowed the $5 billion verdict to stand,” Justice Souter told reporters, “it would have sent the wrong message to the business community. We need more ExxonMobils, not fewer. And again, all the Alaskans had to do to get the oil was row out a little ways from the harbor, scoop up the oil in a bucket, and put it right into their snowmobiles.

“Let me put it this way: there’s no such thing as a Constitutional right to ingratitude.”

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Queen Elizabeth, “Not Amused,” Strips Mugabe of Knighthood

Telling reporters at a hastily assembled Windsor Castle news conference, “We are not amused,” Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain formally stripped Sir Robert Mugabe, dictator of Zimbabwe, of his honorary knighthood.

“He is no longer Sir Robert,” the Queen said. “From now on, he shall be addressed solely as Bob.”

Mugabe, 84, has been accused of fomenting violence against his opponent’s presidential campaign in the upcoming national election in Zimbabwe. Outside observers estimate that 250,000 people have died due to his direct order.

“A quarter of a million of your own citizens is the threshold at which we revoke honorary knighthoods,” the Queen explained. “Nikolae Ceausesku of Romania was stripped of his knighthood at 250,000 as well. Bob Mugabe should have paid stricter attention. Now he isn’t a honorary knight anymore.”

Honorary knights are entitled to various perquisites under the British royal system, including the right to petition the Queen with grievances, a 10 percent discount on all purchases at Harrod’s, a free shrimp salad appetizer at the dining room at the House of Lords, and having the middle seat blocked while flying coach on British Airways.

“Sorry, Bob,” the Queen told reporters. “Rules are rules.”

Many political commentators have long wondered why Mugabe, a conquering hero turned bloodthirsty despot, was allowed to retain his honorary knighthood for so long. This was the first time that the Queen had explained the existence of a quota of citizens killed that would trigger the loss of the honorary status.

“We are all very pleased with the British government’s action,” a Zimbabwe resident told a reporter for the Dissociated Press. “Perhaps it will lead to permanent change in our beleaguered nation. Um, are you going to finish that sandwich you’ve got there?”

“The leaders of Haiti are only 37, 213 deaths away from losing their VIP Passes to the British Open,” the Queen said sternly. “And the people running Uzbekistan are only 42,843 civilian deaths away from losing their box at the Royal Opera. So now they can’t all say they haven’t been warned.”

Bush Declares Entire U.S. “Federal Disaster Area”

“Let me be candid,” President George W. Bush told a hastily assembled White House press conference. “I’ve screwed the pooch. From Kennebunkport to Key West, from Walla Walla to San Diego. It’s one big cluster-F out there. So I’m declaring the entire United States a Federal Disaster Area.”

Individuals and businesses across the United States, the President explained, would be eligible to file for special disaster abatement relief, ranging from cash grants and business loans to groceries and reduction, delay, or even forgiveness of income and corporate taxes.

The President said he would tour the entire disaster area by helicopter, to see the damage firsthand. “I understand that the travel time involved will be as much as four months,” the President said. “It’s a big country out there, and one guy in a helicopter—it’s gonna take serious time to see everything. The good news is that the bad stuff will be with us for a while, so I’ll have time to see everything.”

Asked by reporters if he was aware of a precedent for declaring the entire United States a disaster, the President shook his head. “Not to my knowledge,” he said. “But then, disasters have traditionally been limited to a single geographical area, like Katrina, or one of those big earthquakes out in California. We never had it where the whole country is one big smoking disaster.”

Asked how the government could afford to provide disaster relief on the magnitude that the President proposed, including billions of dollars to Americans at a time when tax receipts would drop dramatically, the President paused, presumably to think of an idea, and then responded with a terse "No comment."

Al Qaeda Spokesman: Sorry, Mr. McCain, No Attacks Currently Scheduled

An unnamed spokesman for Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Ladin told a hastily assembled news conference along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border that “no terrorist attacks on the U.S. are scheduled between now and Election Day” and that he hoped a key advisor of Republican candidate John McCain “wasn’t disappointed.”

“We have nothing scheduled for the next four or five months,” the unnamed spokesman said. “You know how it is. It’s the summer. We’d like to do stuff, but our wives need us at home to help with the kids.”

Charlie Black, an advisor to Senator McCain, had told Fortune Magazine that a terrorist attack on the U.S. prior to the election would be a “big advantage” to Senator McCain, because it would remind voters of McCain’s strong military background. McCain disavowed the statement, which Black later admitted he regretted making.

“We hate to disappoint people, because we have an image to maintain of being really dangerous, and everything,” the unnamed Al Qaeda spokesman told reporters. “But there’s nothing on the horizon. We actually like both candidates, because they are fairly weak as Presidential candidates go. One is young and inexperienced, and the other is kind of old and militaristic. We figure we can’t lose no matter who wins.”

The spokesman said there was another reason why no further major terrorist acts were scheduled. “Quite frankly,” he admitted, “America seems to be destroying itself without our help. Your bankers created the financial crisis that is destroying the housing market and pushing the nation’s economy into recession. Your politicians have made millions for themselves making imbalanced trade agreements that are sending millions of jobs and billions of dollars to countries like China. And your addiction to drugs and dangerous spirits are sapping the nation’s strength and causing you to spend billions of dollars building and maintaining new prisons and jails.

“Quite frankly, another terrorism attack on your country would be just superfluous. How do you say it in American football terminology? ‘Piling on.’ Look, we may practice asymmetrical warfare, guided by our religious beliefs that allow us to see unarmed civilians as enemies we have the right to destroy. But it’s not like we don’t feel your pain.”

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Greenspan: Nation on "Brink" of Recession; Water "Wet," Oceans "Deep"

Former Fed Reserve Chair Alan Greenspan awoke today from a winter-long slumber, poked his head out of his Manhattan condo, saw the shadow of the nation “on the brink” of recession, and predicted two more years of economic crisis, at a hastily assembled New York news conference.

Greenspan surprised many economic observers, who already concluded that the United States had entered a recessionary phase, with his comment that we were not already in a recession.

“I’m very relieved to know that the loss of my job and the foreclosure of my home represents my own personal failure and not that of the nation,” Bob Jasper, a Florida resident, told the Dissociated Press. “I’m heartened by Mr. Greenspan’s remarks. Not to the point of irrational exuberance, but I definitely feel better.”

A spokesman for the Federal Reserve pointed out that the U.S. Treasury, depleted after having sent out “Recovery Checks” to millions of American taxpayers, “was down to its last eleven dollars.”

Apparently, American dollars have been flowing to Mexico in the form of cash remittances from guest workers, documented and otherwise; to China and other developing nations in trade imbalances; and to Europe, where the dollar bought increasingly few Euros.

“Any American with a dollar or two to spare is invited to send it to the Treasury,” the Federal Reserve spokesman said. “We have to meet our payroll and pay Congress on Thursday.”

In addition to helpfully pointing out the fact that America may be nearing a recession, Mr. Greenspan also told reporters that water was "wet" and that oceans were "deep."

Mr. Greenspan based his belief that America may be slipping into recession on his observations that his Manhattan condo, listed at $6.7 million, had only garnered offers of up to $5.3 million; that the public libraries were full of increasing numbers of “shiftless, idle working men,” and that it was easier than ever to get a parking space on Central Park West.

Bill Bennett: Obama “Dangerous, Naïve. Yeah, Baby!”

Former Secretary of Education Bill Bennett today reiterated his remarks in the National Review about Obama’s “dangerous, naïve” foreign policy at a hastily assembled Las Vegas news conference.

Bennett spoke to reporters while tossing the dice at a specially reinforced craps table built by the Mirage Hotel & Casino to contain his prodigious girth. Bennett’s weight had previously caused three unreinforced craps tables to collapse on two boxmen and a security guard, in unrelated and previously unreported incidents.

“Obama’s stance toward Iran is as troubling as it is dangerous,” Bennett yelled, as an increasingly large group of onlookers jostled for space alongside the craps table. “Fade me, baby, fade me!”

The Former Cabinet member told reporters and fellow gamblers that Obama’s view of history “betrays a profound misreading of history. Six five, no jive!”

"The Democratic candidate’s willingness,” Bennett repeated, to meet with Iranian leaders “sends the exact wrong signal to Iranian dissidents. Who’s got the dice?"

Bennett said he saw “no conflict” between his role as societal commentator and his ongoing habit of gambling and losing millions of dollars, much of which he earned from speaking fees before religious groups and sales from his best seller, “A Book of Virtues.”

“But I’ll tell you what honks me off,” he said. “Where’s Barkley with our drinks? 12’s the point! Box cars! Big boys! Roll those dice!”

Bennett told reporters that he would discuss his National Review article at length, after he completed his roll, in the hotel’s buffet, where he would be found for the next six hours.

Monday, June 23, 2008

O’Reilly Accidentally Tells Truth; Producer Scrambles For “Dump” Button

Bill O’Reilly, host of the “No Spin Zone” on Fox News, accidentally told the truth, sending his producer scrambling for the “Dump” button, according to Zem Wiskowsky, a spokesman for the network who addressed a hastily assembled New York news conference.

“Candidly, I have no interest in politics,” O’Reilly told a listener, who was complimenting him on the wide array and high quality of items for sale at the online store at O’Reilly’s website,

“I have partial ownership of a factory in the Bac Giang province of Vietnam,” he admitted on the air, before his producer, out for a cup of coffee, could race back to the control booth to hit the “dump” button and keep further revelations off the air.

“The TV show and the radio show are both loss leaders for the crap on the website,” O’Reilly said. “It’s a lot harder to have a successful show than it is a successful website store if you’re famous enough. The whole business plan revolved around brokering time on enough radio stations and paying Fox enough money to put me on TV, so I could sell this junk to the American people. I’m a business guy, not a political commentator.”

A review of Mr. O’Reilly’s website revealed that visitors could purchase umbrellas, both standard size and golf-size; coffee mugs and travel mugs emblazoned with many different slogans; Mr. O’Reilly’s best selling books; pens and pen refills; lapel pins; subscriptions and gift certificates for regular and “premium” subscriptions (which include a free lapel pin, a 10 percent discount on all items on the Online Store, and daily podcasts); sweatshirts with various famous expressions of Mr. O’Reilly’s; varsity jackets; golf balls; polo shirts for men, women, and children; at least eight different designs of key chains; static window decals (also available for bulk purchases in quantities of 10); t-shirts; flag magnets; a wide variety of hats; and even two kinds of doormats for the home.

Mr. O’Reilly also told the listener that his books and his blog on politics, which include comments on international trade relations, were in fact written by a Vietnamese grad student at the University of California at Berkeley who is a “close relative” of the co-owner and general manager of Mr. O’Reilly’s factory in Vietnam.

"I'm in negotiations with my business partners," Mr. O"Reilly added, "to put my name on cookware, office furniture, drywall, instant popcorn, chocolate bars, Mother's Day cards, potpourri for the bathroom, basketball shoes, and a wide variety of other products for the office and the home. You can honestly think of me as a tall, balding Martha Stewart."

“Politics is poppycock,” O’Reilly concluded, just before his producer was finally able to get him off the air. “Cash is king.”

Whole Foods Announces New Tuna-Free Dolphin

Responding to shifting consumer tastes, Whole Foods announced the immediate availability of tuna-free dolphin at all of its stores, according to a corporate spokesman for the nationwide organic supermarket chain, speaking at a hastily arranged Berkeley, California news conference.

“The people have spoken,” Darren Paulsen, Vice President for Corporate Relations told reporters. “They want dolphin, and they want to make sure that no tuna gets caught in the nets. It’s the humane, Whole Foods approach.”

Traditionally, dolphin fishermen have inadvertently caught large amounts of tuna in their nets. The dolphin fishing industry has long been criticized by ecological groups for the harm it causes helpless tuna, by catching them in long trawling nets.

“Whole Foods is an industry leader in every aspect of the move toward cleaner, greener, local, and organic foods,” Paulsen said. “We are taking the lead by creating and signing onto a international tuna conservation agreement. Tuna are beautiful fish, never cause humans harm, and far too many of them are getting killed for no reason.”

Yellowfin tuna in the eastern Pacific Ocean associate with dolphins, perhaps to protect themselves from sharks. When fishermen see tuna in the water, they know that dolphins must be in the vicinity. This leads to the unnecessary death of tuna.

“Tuna share few characteristics with human beings,” Paulsen said. “They’re not especially warm and witty, they don’t mate for life, they have no love of good books and fine wines. They don’t really want to make a difference in the world. They aren’t especially involved with their children. They’re aren't great at crossword puzzles. They don’t smile and they don’t appear to be intelligent.

“But that doesn’t mean they deserve to die when we’re trying to get a nice dolphin for the dinner table, right?”

Mass. Pregnant Girls: “Who Knew Sex Made Babies?”

A spokes-teen for the group of 17 teenage girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts who allegedly entered into a “pregnancy pact” denied any such intention, at a hastily assembled news conference in Boston.

“We had no idea there was any connection between sex and pregnancy,” 17-year-old Randy Sanders told reporters. “Who knew sex made babies? We all must have missed Health class the day they talked about it.”

Sanders said that the girls did in fact have an agreement, but it was all about “getting guys to take us out for pizza and soda,” she insisted. “You ever been to Gloucester in the winter? Or in the summer, for that matter. Aside from walking the beach, what do you think there is to do here?”

Sanders also acknowledged that the entire group of girls had ditched school during the two weeks of the focus project on Self-Esteem. “We didn’t think it was that important,” she said, “or that there was a connection between how we felt about ourselves and what we would do for affection. Honestly, we just wanted some pizza and to get out of the house.”

Parents of the girls have variously blamed for the spate of pregnancies various causes including a movie called Juno, about unmarried teen pregnancy; the failure of the school system to explain the connection between sex and pregnancy on more than just one day, since some people inevitably miss school on any given day for various reasons; society as a whole; the TV show The Bachelor; the TV show Regis and Kelly; and Barbara Walters, for her recent revelations about extramarital affairs she conducted in the 1970s.

“Juno is a lame movie,” Sanders said dismissively, when asked about these possible reasons. “And none of us ever heard of that woman you’re talking about, Barbara Walters. And you can’t blame the schools for not teaching us enough about sex. I mean, all of our parents have HBO and Cinemax. And anyway, if they’re suddenly so concerned about premarital sex, how come they had all of us before they got married?”

“I guess we all feel as though we’ve learned a lesson,” Sanders admitted. “Sex makes babies. Who knew?”

Disney Plans Full Frontal Male Nudity For “High School Musical IV”

Full frontal male nudity will highlight “High School Musical IV”, the latest sequel in the made-for-TV teen movie franchise, Don Hutson, a spokesman for Disney, told a hastily arranged Burbank news conference.

“It’s what kids want,” Hutson said, “and we’ll do it in a tasteful way, nothing gratuitous. It’ll be depicted in a manner that advances the plot.”

Previous editions of the astonishingly successful High School Musical series have tracked Caucasian sports star Troy and Gabriella, a Latina math whiz, through their on-again, off-again high school romance.

“We were afraid the films were getting a little stale,” Hutson admitted. “I mean, how many times can the same couple break up and make up without losing the audience? So we thought it was time to focus on something new.”

Inclusion and acceptance, regardless of race or ethnicity, has been the hallmark of the High School Musical films. Hutson told reporters, “We thought that exploring the homoerotic attraction between Troy and Ryan, the brother of Sharpay, the rich girl, would reap rich dividends in terms of character development.

“And when Gabriella walks in on their intimate moment, well, let’s just say it’s tested well with teen audiences here on the Disney lot. It brings a whole new meaning to ‘We’re All In This Together,” if you catch my drift.”

When asked whether parents would accept the idea of visible male genitalia in a made-for-TV movie created for the Disney Channel, Hutson shrugged. “We’re continuously amazed by the fact that parents don’t seem to be offended by the sexual content, highly suggestive language, low-cut clothing, and other inappropriate aspects of much of what our cable channel offers. Not to mention the violence in movies for younger children.

“But parents are the judges; we’re just content providers. And if you think High School Musical IV is bad, take a look sometime at the stuff your teen downloads on their iPhone. Now, that’s what we at Disney call ‘A Whole New World.’”

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Obama Heeds Surveys; Changes Name For Campaign

Presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, bowing to public opinion surveys, will change his name for the duration of the Presidential campaign, he told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference.

"I'm just plain tired of having to explain my last name to people," Obama said. "It came up consistently in polling that I would have closed out Hillary months earlier if only I had a more normal sounding name."

Voters in Florida, as well as highly ignorant white male voters throughout the Rust Belt and Middle Atlantic states, indicated in exit polls that they would have voted for Obama if his name had not been Obama.

The Obama campaign has tested several dozen names in focus groups, coffee klatches, and one-on-one conversations with likely voters in the fall, the candidate said. Among the most popular names among those polled include Barack O'Bama, Barack Alabama, Barack Fujiyama, and Barack Cinerama, but the candidate has settled on the name "Michael Smith."

"There's something vague yet purposeful about the name Michael Smith," Obama/Smith explained, "just like my campaign. You have the sense that it stands for something, but it's hard to tell exactly what it stands for. The name Smith is all-American, traditional, and the alias for many bank robbers throughout our nation's history. It just felt right to me."

Obama/Smith indicated that further polling would be necessary in order to decide whether to keep the name Smith in the event that he wins the general election this fall.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Obama/Smith said. "For now, I think we have found a name that overcomes much of the concern that some Americans have about my religious and political orientation."

The candidate also acknowledged that, due to polling results among pockets of highly ignorant and suspicious likely voters in the Deep South, he would be wearing a large silver cross around his neck for the remainder of the campaign.

Dalai Lama Joins Tibetan Olympic Team as Hurdler

His serene highness the 14th Dalai Lama today told a hastily assembled Dharamsala, India news conference that he would be entering the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics as a high hurdler.

“There are many hurdles to freedom,” the smiling, 73-year-old exiled leader of Tibetan Buddhism told reporters. “At least I know I’ll be on the right track when I’m racing this summer in Beijing.”

His Holiness was exiled in boyhood from mainland China due to his commitment to a free Tibet. He has never been known to have competed in athletic events in the past.

“I have discovered,” the Dalai Lama told reporters, “that running track requires the same attributes as it takes to be truly self-realized: compassion, forgiveness, tolerance, contentment and self-discipline. Of course, my winning an Olympic gold medal can only bring more attention to the suffering of the Tibetan people, not to mention many endorsement deals.”

The Dalai Lama denied reports that he had entered the Olympics as a means of continuing his protests against the Chinese occupation of Tibet.

“I am simply trying to live the Olympic ideals of higher, faster, and stronger,” His Holiness insisted.

A spokesman for the Chinese government, asked whether the presence of the Dalai Lama in the Olympic Village in Beijing, presenting his message of peaceful cooperation to the other athletes, might upstage the Chinese government’s attempt to use the games as propaganda for Chinese Communism, offered a terse “No comment.”

NASCAR Admits Using Holograms Of Race Cars to Save Fuel And Also Pistol-Whipping All Remaining Non-NASCAR Fans

Telling reporters that “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying,” NASCAR spokeswoman Dijon France admitted, at a hastily assembled Daytona Beach news conference, that NASCAR had been projecting holograms of race cars onto race tracks, in order to save fuel.

“The crashes are still real,” France said. “But the mind-numbing display of 30-plus race cars going in circles until people either crash or until the last lap of the race—those have in fact been holograms and not actual cars.”

Currently, NASCAR has been using the “Car of Tomorrow” or “CoT” in its races to standardize design and reduce costs. France revealed that the holograms of the vehicles, projected onto tracks by powerful laser beams, are known internally as “Car of the Day After Tomorrow” or “CoDaT”.

NASCAR’s broadcasting partners, ESPN-6 and the Speed Channel were unaware of the fraud perpetrated on the viewing public, France said, and she asked forgiveness from both of those organizations.

“There’s so much darn cheating by the drivers and their pit crews,” France pointed out. “We thought, why not us? With fuel costs the way they are, and our fans pretty much drunk or drugged out 50 laps into any given race, we figured no one would know.”

The hologram strategy was revealed after Talledaga Extra Wide Panty Liners 500 champion Casey Trueblood sprayed himself with milk after his victory and the milk appeared to vanish into thin air.

France also acknowledged that NASCAR had been caught pistol-whipping the few remaining non-NASCAR fans in the United States, most recently the entire graduate faculty of Harvard University, into becoming fans of the sport.

“We were debating the language of a non-binding resolution expressing our solidarity with the victims of Darfur,” said Vernon Gamidlean, Associate Professor of Sociobiology, “when suddenly the doors flew open and six men wearing jumpsuits covered with insignia of corporations offering items of popular appeal, like Budweiser and Nextel, came in and started screaming that if we didn’t promise to watch the race this Sunday at Darlington, wherever that might be, they would have our tenure removed from us. It wasn’t just cruel. It was diabolical.”

“We’re fittin’ to have a 100% fan base,” France said. “And we’re prepared to do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

Obama To Give Bill Clinton Special “Foreign Assignments” With Young, Slightly Overweight “Interns” During Fall Campaign

Presumptive Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that he “welcomes” the assistance of former President Bill Clinton on the campaign trail and had actually created a special role for the former Commander-in-Chief.

“I want Bill Clinton by my side throughout the campaign,” Obama said. “Okay, I mean that in a metaphorical sense. I actually have created special assignments for President Clinton that match most closely with his interests and experience.”

Senator Obama told reporters that he had “personally overseen” the crafting of a travel schedule that will take the former President across 47 countries “from Labor Day until Election Day.”

“I’m concerned,” Obama explained, “that foreign leaders will not be able to accept the idea of an American President like myself without assurances from a great leader like Bill Clinton that I can effectively represent the United States abroad. Many foreign leaders enjoy the game of golf as a means of taking the measure of their political allies.

“So I have asked President Clinton to visit as many as two golf courses per day around the world between now and the election, to determine which courses would be most appropriate for state visits and rounds of golf with my fellow world leaders.”

Senator Obama acknowledged the “potential loneliness” of such a demanding and time-consuming assignment, given the fact that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton would be dividing her time between her Senatorial duties and campaigning for the Obama ticket.

“I have personally selected a cadre of volunteer young women,” Obama said, “who will accompany the President on various legs of his travels this fall. They can truly be said to ‘look like America’—they are all highly intelligent, fairly pretty, and a little bit on the zoftig side. Our research indicates that these are the kinds of women who provide the former President with the highest comfort level.”

Some campaign observers had raised concerns that former President Clinton might be a distraction the campaign trail, given his propensity to arrive hours late for events, create controversy and “speak mainly about himself.”

“I believe my special mission for the former President,” Obama said, “will address his deepest needs…and mine.”

McCain to Campaign In All 48 States

Presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain told a hastily assembled Phoenix news conference that he will campaign “in all 48 states, from sea to shining sea of this beautiful nation of ours.”

McCain said that he will use the latest in railroad technology to create a “Whistlestop Campaign” reminiscent of President Harry Truman’s.

The “Fast Talk Express,” as the train will be called, will permit the candidate to stop and speak to clumps of voters “wherever they may be found in this great nation of ours,” the candidate said.

McCain expects to be accompanied on the Fast Talk Express by his Vice Presidential running mate and told reporters that he had narrowed the choice down to two men: the late Senator Barry Goldwater of Arizona and the late Governor Nelson Rockefeller of New York.

“Both men bring experience, gravitas, and a track record of success,” McCain enthused to reporters. “The hardest part of my job is choosing one of these great Americans over the other.”

McCain said that his 48-state strategy meant that “every State in this fantastic nation of ours” will be “in play in November,” including many of the states that “Adlai Stevenson carried in the recent 1956 Presidential election.”

“We will take this campaign wherever train tracks will carry us,” McCain said. “From unpolluted sea to untainted-by-oil-exploration sea, in this greatest nation on God’s green earth. And if you’d like to make a contribution to our campaign, to help us pay for coal and Pullman workers, we’ll even send you by return mail a free three-cent stamp.”

Paris Hilton Reinvents Herself As “Human Timeshare”

Paris Hilton, buoyed by the positive publicity she received as a result of her porn video, announced at a hastily assembled Bel Air, California news conference that she is going to market herself as a “human timeshare.”

“Why should sleeping with an internationally famous heiress be a privilege limited to the wealthy and powerful?” she asked. “I’m going to combine the branding magic of the Hilton Hotel name with the proven concept of the vacation timeshare. Now anyone with a Visa card can spend up to eight days a year with me on my yacht.”

Hilton said that Thanksgiving and Christmas weeks have already been taken. “But there’s still plenty of time left in summer and early fall,” she said, “when the kids are away at camp or starting school. We intended to launch this product for Father’s Day, but we missed the window. We think that it’s the perfect birthday or anniversary gift for any man.”

The beauty of the human timeshare concept, Hilton told reporters, is that “If you get tired of me one year, you can trade your days for any of a few dozen other heiresses whom you can preview on my website. Or you can sell them online.”

Hilton’s other business ventures, including perfume and a women’s clothing line, “have yet to become as profitable as we might have hoped,” the heiress admitted. “So I’ve decided to go back to the thing I know best.”

“It worked for Heidi Fleiss,” Hilton said. “And she’s from a pretty good family, too, right?”

PGA To Place Asterisk On All Tiger-Less Tournaments in 2008

Concerned about collapsing fan interest and TV ratings for golf tournaments while Tiger Woods rehabs his knee, PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem told a hastily assembled Augusta, Georgia news conference that he would place an asterisk on victories that any other golfers win.

“Let’s tell the truth,” Finchem told reporters. “If Tiger isn’t there, it’s not the same thing. We’re just going to do to our golfers what Ford Frick did to Roger Maris when he eclipsed Babe Ruth’s home run record. Golf, unlike the NBA and pro wrestling, is all about telling the truth.”

Finchem admitted that attendance, sponsorship, and corporate packages had dropped by sixty percent since Woods announced that he would not compete in any more tournaments in 2008.

“We have taken steps to make the game more fan-friendly,” Finchem said. “We’re going to allow fans to do the wave, use their cellphones, get autographs from players during competitive rounds, and shout encouragement before each shot. We’re also going to have lucky fans putt for their favorite golfers on each par-3. They’ll be chosen by our new scantily clad Golf Girls, who are modeled after the Lakers cheerleading squad and the Knick City Dancers.”

Face painting for children at each tee, the use of golf carts by fans to get from hole to hole, and free sleeves of golf balls to the first 10,000 attendees will round out the new marketing initiative, Finchem said.

At the upcoming Buick Open, the PGA will also debut its newest slogan, "These guys don't suck."

“But I’m hearing the most excitement about the Jim Furyk look-alike contest,” Finchem told reporters. “This could be the best thing to hit golf since the mashie niblick.”

Major League Baseball Cancels All-Star Game Due To Lack of All-Stars

At a hastily assembled Milwaukee news conference, a dispirited Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, his Brewers cap pulled down low over his face and pounding his fist sadly into his Warren Spahn-autographed glove, announced that there would be no All-Star Game this year, due to a lack of All-Stars.

“No steroids, no superstars,” Selig complained. “I hope everybody’s happy now. Barry Bonds? Gone. Roger Clemens? Gone. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa? Gone. Jason Giambi? From Superman back to Clark Kent. We don’t have nine guys in either league anybody’s ever heard of.”

Selig admitted that the purge on performance-enhancing drugs ended up having a negative effect on the quality of the game.

“We were aiming for parity,” Selig admitted, “but we ended up with mediocrity. Only one major league team is winning more than 60 percent of its games. The Cubs. And I dare the average fan to name one member of that team. We’re charging major league prices for Double A baseball.”

“Who exactly is going to turn out for a White Sox-Devil Rays World Series?” Selig asked rhetorically. “OK, they’re the Rays now. That’s the problem with baseball today. Too many Angels, not enough Devils.”

Instead of an All-Star Weekend to commemorate the final season of Yankee Stadium, Major League Baseball will put on a basic skills clinic for major leaguers, teaching them to hit the cutoff man, lay down bunts, sacrifice a runner without worrying how it will affect their arbitration statistics, and run to first base after getting hit by a pitch without having a bench-clearing brawl.

“Where have you gone, Jose Canseco?” Selig concluded wistfully. “A nation turns its lonely eyes, and its unpierced buttocks, to you. Woo, woo, woo.”

Friday, June 20, 2008

Whitehall: Martha Stewart Banned From Britain Over "Differences in Taste," Not Criminal Record

American lifestyle guru Martha Stewart was denied entry into Great Britain not because of her 2004 felony conviction but because of "differences in taste," according to Sir Horace Danforth, Britain's Minister of Justice, who spoke at a hastily assembled news conference in London.

"Ms. Stewart's criminal past offers no justification for a denial of a visa into Great Britain," Sir Horace told reporters. "The problem rather has to do with her personal taste as reflected in her television programmes, books, and magazine. She is distinctly un-British and we must strive to keep her brand of over-the-top lifestyle ideas out of our sovereign nation."

Sir Horace mentioned such Stewart concepts as Grilled Striped Bass with Corn-and-Clam-Chowder Sauce and Biscuits, Ruffle Tower Cake, and "stapling a great number of baskets to the kitchen ceiling to create a faux South of France appearance" as the sort of "American ideas that have no place in Britain's rich tradition of tasteless home design and barely edible food."

"If the Americans want to have all that delicious-looking food and attractive decor, that's their business," Sir Horace said. "There will always be an England, with inedible food served in unattractive surroundings."

"Many of us in this nation, especially on the Tory side, empathise with Ms. Stewart's rough handling by the American judicial system," he said. "As far as we can tell, she was punished not for an actual crime but for being somewhat egotistical in her self-presentation, which seems to be as American as Martha's own recipe for chocolate banana rhurbarb apple pie. But her values of nice homes and delicious recipes represent a threat to everything we fought for at the Dardanelles.

"We will fight you on the beaches," Sir Horace added, his voice rising and echoing throughout Whitehall. "We will fight you on the broad sunny uplands. You will never threaten our British way of life, which is all about mince pies, fish and chips, and bangers and mash, served in miserable surroundings and cooked by bored, underutilized chefs. That is our heritage, not your wedding door monograms.

"If we allow Martha Stewart into England," he concluded, exhausted, "who's next? Rachael Ray?"

Bush Urges Sale of Six States to Dubai World Ports

President Bush told a hastily assembled Dubai news conference that he was urging Congress to pass his proposed legislation to sell six states to Dubai with the deal to close by the end of summer.

“Dubai is more cash-rich than ever,” Bush told reporters, “and it’s an act of great goodwill on their part to absorb financial responsibility for six of the states hit hardest by the extremely high price of gasoline.”

The President said he was “still disappointed” that the American people had forced Congress to turn down his move to sell major American ports, including the port of New York, to Dubai World Ports in 2006.

“That deal was bought and paid for,” Bush said, in remarks not found in the official version of his comments released prior to the press conference. When he noticed puzzled looks in the audience, he explained, “That deal had the full support of the intelligence community and did not in any way compromise the safety of the United States by allowing a government knee-deep in funding terrorists to have unlimited access to our ports.”

The President said that selling six states—New York, New Jersey, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Florida—to Dubai would “lessen our dependence on foreign oil, because now, for those states, Dubai oil would be domestic oil, right?”

Reporters noticed that the President was wearing a new, solid gold Rolex watch, solid gold Gucci loafers, a solid gold 10-gallon hat, and a solid gold rodeo-style belt buckle that appeared to weigh at least 30 pounds, from the way it was dragging down his new, solid-gold pants.

When asked whether he had personally accepted any gratuities from the ruling family of Dubai, and whether the six states in question were most likely to vote Democratic in the upcoming Presidential election, the President wiped his brow with a solid gold handkerchief and offered reporters a terse “No comment.”

Domestic Spending Rises, Pelosi Says, Noting Congress Is Hiring More Domestics

Domestic spending is up by eighteen percent to approximately $11.6 million a year, according to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Left Coast), who addressed a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. press conference.

"Congresspeople and their spouses are paying more money than ever to their domestics," the Speaker said. "This shows that even in a dismal economy like this, we're still creating jobs."

Pelosi said that ever since the Zoe Baird scandal, when a Clinton nominee for Attorney General had turned out to be employing an illegal immigrant as a nanny, “We’ve all been trying to hire only legal domestics. Buy American, right?”

Congresspeople had a greater choice of domestics than ever, because more and more people have lost better-paying jobs. Also, because of Congress’s negligent handling of the home loan crisis, more people have lost their homes this year than ever before, meaning that more live-in help is available for Congresspeople and their growing families.

“In a recession like this,” Pelosi told reporters, “it’s just nice for us to have a broader selection of legal domestics from whom to chose. We all look back wistfully on the era when you could pay someone six bucks an hour under the table, but that’s as ancient history as $3-gallon unleaded.”

Congress was considering a bill that would grant itself a 26% pay raise, in order to stimulate the economy by additional Congressional spending on things like restaurant meals, new clothes, jewelry, and good seats at sporting events.

“America’s in a bad way,” Pelosi told the press. “We’re here to help.”

GM Announces It Doubled Its 6-Month Sales Quota; Sold Two Cars

GM CEO Rick Wagoner told a hastily assembled Detroit news conference today that GM had doubled its 6-month sales quota and had actually sold two cars since the first day of January.

“We’re all really excited about how the first half of 2008 has exceeded all expectations,” Wagoner said, flanked by representatives of the AFL-CIO and dozens of entirely unnecessary GM executives with undeterminable duties.

“The American people has put patriotism in the driver’s seat,” he added, “and they clearly appear delighted with our new safer, greener offerings.”

Wagoner said that one of the buyers was an elderly Ohio woman who bought a new Oldsmobile with the special -2.8 percent financing, under which GM paid her $273 per month, plus tax, for each month she kept the car.

“We’ve found that paying people to have a GM car in their driveway is an excellent way to drive sales and increase consumer interest in our products.”

The Ohio woman was present at the news conference but could not display her car because it was under a warranty recall for brakes, air conditioning, power steering, power windows, the drive train, two MacPherson struts, and “some other stuff that was also wrong with the car that we’re striving to make right,” Wagoner said.

Under close questioning from the press after Wagoner would not reveal the identity of the second buyer, the CEO admitted that “The person in question hasn’t actually committed to take delivery of the car, but he did take it for a lengthy test drive at an Oklahoma Buick dealership and told the salesman that he ‘would be back real soon.’”

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Federer To Compete In Both Tennis And Golf

Roger Federer will compete in the remaining major 2008 tournaments in both tennis and golf, to replace an ailing Tiger Woods, the tennis star told a hastily assembled Zurich, Switzerland press conference.

"Tiger is my friend, and we do those shaving advertisements where we both look, how do you say it in English, very butch," Federer told reporters. "I am sad that he cannot compete because he must have his knee operated. As the sole remaining superpower in individual sports, I feel it is my duty to compete in the British Open, the PGA Championship, and also the Ryder Cup. How hard can golf be?"

Federer acknowledged that he has never played a competitive round of golf in his life, "Although Tiger once took me to the driving range behind his house and had me pick up the balls after he hit them. He told me that was a very important part of golf matches, although I had never seen it happen on TV."

Federer said that he would take lessons between now and the British Open in July.

"Frankly, the game does not look that hard to me," Federer told reporters. "You hit the ball, no one is hitting it back to you. You walk, you never run. If you can't find the ball, there are hundreds of people who will find it for you. What is so interesting about golf?"

Federer suggested that Woods' knee might not be in as bad shape as people thought during the recent U.S. Open at Torrey Pines. "If the game is that hard," Federer said, "you can't win with a bad knee. And if your knee isn't bad, then there must be some other explanation. You know, Woods has a very hot wife. If you were Tiger, who would you rather spend the weekend looking at, her or Jim Furyk?"

Asked whether there was a quid pro quo involved, Federer nodded. "I am going to play these golf matches this year, and next year, Tiger is going to fill in for me at the French Open.

"That is, if his 'knee injury' has healed all the way back," the tennis champion added with a smirk. "I mean, you've all seen her, right?"

Report: Jamie Lynn Spears' New Baby Already Pregnant

"Even by Southern standards, this is unprecendented," Dr. James Parsons, a Mississippi OB/GYN told a hastily arranged LIberty, Mississippi press conference. "It appears that Jamie Lynn Spears' new baby girl was born pregnant."

Spears, 17, is the unmarried, possibly unnaturally blonde sister of actress and role model Britney Spears. Her boyfriend is a pipe-layer in his 20s. In addition to laying pipe, he coincidentally also works as a pipe layer.

"We've decried for years the phenomenon of 'babies having babies,'" Dr. Parsons said, "but this is a new one for us, even here in south Mississippi."

The as-yet unnamed baby girl was born healthy and approximately eleven weeks pregnant, according to sources close to the Spears family.

"We know that girls are having babies younger and younger," a spokesperson for the Spears family told the press conference. "But this takes the cake. OK, not the cake. The formula."

The teen pregnancy rate rose in 2007 for the first time in years, researchers say, in part because of movies like "Knocked Up," which have a "pro-unmarried pregnancy" message, and also because "there's not that much else to do," a pregnant 15-year-old girl told the Dissociated Press.

"We expect that Jamie Lynn will raise both her baby and her grandchild as siblings," Dr. Parsons said. "It's a lot of responsibility for a 17-year-old, but we think Jamie Lynn is up to the task. And Britney can babysit, when she is not in rehab or jail."

As for whether Jamie Lynn Spears was indeed a natural blonde, Dr. Parsons offered a terse "No comment."

Mormon Church Accidentally Posthumously Converts Own Founders to Judaism

Acknowledging that "A terrible mistake has been made," a spokeswoman for the Mormon Church told a hastily assembled Salt Lake City news conference that the Mormon Church had posthumously converted two of its founders, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, to Orthodox Judaism.

"We think it was a filing error," Sarah Jones told reporters. "We're doing all we can to clear this up, but for the time being, both of our founders are now Jewish, and if they were still alive, would be observing the Jewish Sabbath and the kosher laws. We should have them back in their proper religion within a few weeks, but until then, they're Yosef and Baruch."

The Mormon Church has been subject to criticism of posthumously baptising members of other religions, including some Jewish Holocaust victims. This is first known occurence of a conversion "going in the other direction," Ms. Jones said.

The practical implications of the conversions are profound, she said. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir will no longer perform on Friday nights or Saturdays, cheeseburgers will be "temporarily unavailable" within the State of Utah and all official portraits of the founders of the Church "must include black coats and long black beards."

When asked whether there would be a permanent effect on the Church as a result of the erroneous conversions, Ms. Jones shrugged and said, "Now you're asking me? What do I look like, an expert or something over here? Look, I'll tell you the truth. It's like chicken soup. It couldn't hurt."

Bush to ExxonMobil Execs: "Mission Accomplished!"

Clad in the traditional white overalls of a 1930s era gas station jockey, President George W. Bush addressed a hastily assembled audience of ExxonMobil executives on a drilling platform off Galvaston today, declaring gleefully, "Mission accomplished!"

"You asked for five dollar a gallon gas," the President said, "and this administration made that happen! Our opponents said it couldn't be done...and it is!"

Hailing the wildly cheering and shouting oil company executives as "Weapons of Mass Exploration," the President told them, "Some people say war is hell. I say, if it's good for the oil industry, it's good for America!"

"People say I'm stupid," the President added, in remarks not contained in the official advance version of his speech. Loud applause greeted the off the cuff remark, apparently to the surprise of the President. "But let me tell you something. You can't be stupid AND spend a trillion dollars for a war that helps nobody but the oil companies, right? Or can you? I'm not sure. I think I'm off track here.

"But now you've got Americans sick and tired of paying a sheik's ransom every time they go to fill their gas tank," the President said, returning to remarks contained in the official advance version of his speech. "But you know what? Now they'll be ready to have every nook and cranny of this great country, from Atlantic City, New Jersey to Anchorage, Alaska dug up and explored for oil! And that's what this war has been all about!"

"The beautiful thing," the President added, "is that people still think I started this war because I was tricked into it by the neocons! Hell, no! I didn't do it for Irving Kristol, Midge Decter and Norman Podhoretz! I did it for y'all!"

The President concluded his remarks to rousing applause by saying that "If you think this is a bad time to be a Shiite or a Taliban, it's an even worse time to be a caribou," another remark not contained in the official advance version of his speech.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Kobe: "I Thought Finals Started Next Week"

"I thought the NBA Finals started next week," a chastened Kobe Bryant told a hastily assembled Boston news conference after the Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Boston Celtics, four games to two.

"Nobody told me this was really the Finals," Bryant said, looking surprised and disappointed. "I thought these were just, you know, warm-up games, simulations, things that Phil organized to keep us sharp during the days until the Finals started. I never dreamt these were the actual Finals."

Bryant had hoped to win his first championship ring on a Lakers team of which he was the acknowledged leader, without the presence of fellow superstar Shaquille O'Neal.

When asked whether he recognized the Celtics, Kobe shook his head. "To be honest with you," he told reporters, "I thought they were my teammates, just wearing Celtics uniforms. They looked familiar, so I figured they were just the Lakers. I guess I should have paid more attention to who my teammates really were."

The Celtics' defense stifled Bryant, keeping him from "getting off" in the four games the Celtics won. "Man, they're tough," Bryant admitted. "But I thought that the guy playing Kevin Garnett was actually Lamar Odom. Turns out it really was Kevin Garnett."

Next year, Bryant said, if the Lakers return to the NBA Finals, he will get a team yearbook so he knows which of the players actually play for the Lakers. "Don't wanna get fooled again," Bryant said.

"Maybe in our preparation games we ought to play shirts and skins," Bryant suggested. "That's one way to tell our two teams apart."

Israel, Hamas Truce Expected To Last "For Many Minutes"

Israeli government spokesman Ehud Shwarma and an unidentified, heavily armed and masked spokesman for Hamas jubilantly announced a truce that had taken seven months to negotiate, at a hastily arranged Tel Aviv news conference.

The truce is expected to last "for many minutes," the unidentified, heavily armed and masked Hamas spokesman said, as Mr. Shwarma nodded in agreement.

In the past, truces between Israel and Hamas, which have taken an average of 11 months to negotiate, have lasted as long as fifteen seconds.

"We are very excited that this truce has the chance to stop, for at least a few wonderful moments, the cycle of violence that has lasted for generations," Israeli spokesman Shwarma said.

"This is the chance of a lifetime to stop the bombing for, you know, long enough for people to go outside and have a cigarette," the unidentified, heavily armed and masked Hamas spokesman said. "Maybe longer."

In other world news, pigs flew in formation over Jerusalem, the floods in the American Midwest subsided by themselves, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series for the first time in a century, and the new Israel-Hamas cease fire was broken after six minutes and thirty seconds, a new record.

Obama, McCain to Decide Election In Ordeal By Combat

Citing diminishing interest in the Presidential election after many months of primary campaigning, spokespeople for Sens. Barack Obama and John McCain agreed to settle their competition for the Presidency by means of a medieval-style trial by ordeal.

"Both Senators will be armed with sword and shield," Dennis McDermott, a spokesman for Sen. McCain, told a hastily arranged Capitol Hill news conference. "They may wear linen and leather clothing. The rules require their head and feet to remain bare and their hands may be covered only with light gloves."

Alisa Viejo, a spokesperson for Obama, told the assembled reporters that the combatants would meet at dawn on July 4 on the Mall near the base of the Washington Monument.

"We think this is the fairest way to settle things," Ms. Viejo said. "We think the patience of the American people has worn thin. Frankly, this is going to be really cool."

The alternative, Mr. McDermott said, would be a traditional fall campaign that could cost upwards of $500 million in spending by the two campaigns, matched by an equal amount for coverage by the various news media.

Seats for the trial by ordeal will be available on Ticketmaster and at the Rayburn Building on Capitol Hill. The event will be carried live via pay-per-view with the revenue to help retire campaign debt of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"The American people have spoken," Ms. Viejo said. "They don't want the Electoral College. They want mixed martial arts. And we're just the people to provide it."

Al Gore Vows "No Crumbcake Left Behind"

Former Vice President Al Gore, addressing a hastily assembled crowd of 20,000, announced his endorsement of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama, just in time to be within two weeks of the end of Obama’s campaign against Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Gore has gained a considerable amount of weight since his most recent public appearance, which he attributes to a new response to global warming.

“I want to create a new movement called ‘No Crumbcake Left Behind,’ the newly rotund former Vice President told the audience. “In the short term, global warming is going to cause a drop in protective body fat for people. And in the long term, we are going to burn through all of our energy sources, and we’ll need extra body fat to keep warm. My answer: weight gain.”

Gore said that he wanted to institute in schools and workplaces a new respect for high cholesterol and obesity, making it the new societal norm, given the effect that climate change will have on the planet.

“We can’t stop global warming,” he said, promising a slide show on donuts, pastry, and finger foods that he would offer around the world. “But we can prepare our bodies individually to keep warm when the lights finally go out.”

Warren Beatty Receives Lifetime Achievement Award From American Casual Sex Institute

Praising what “a good-looking guy with a lot of cash, spare time, and access to aspiring actresses can accomplish,” the American Casual Sex Institute today awarded actor Warren Beatty its highest honor, the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Spokesman Ernest Preyner told a hastily arranged Beverly Hills news conference that Beatty epitomized the goals of the institute, to make casual sex “an art form and not just something that a few people get to do because they’re rich and famous.”

“Beatty opened the doors of casual sex to more people in Hollywood than anyone else,” Preyner said admiringly. “If it weren’t for his valiant efforts, we honestly believe that today there would be no such thing as Charlie Sheen.”

Beatty will be honored at a July 9 dinner at the Beverly Hilton, the proceeds of which, Preyner said, will be used to “educate an entire new generation about the importance of casual sex in the American lifestyle.” Celebrities including Kid Rock, Paris Hilton, and First Lady Laura Bush are among those likely to speak at the event.

“A lifetime goes by so quickly,” Beatty told reporters. “I’m no Wilt Chamberlain or even a Magic Johnson, but at least I can look my kids in the eye one day and tell them, their father did the best he could in the time he had available.”

Jimmy Carter Announces “Ex-President’s Crusade” to Convert Entire Middle East

Informing a hastily arranged Constantinople news conference that he was “sick to death of tolerance” and that it was “time for something proven to be effective,” former U.S. President Jimmy Carter announced a new direction in Middle East peacemaking, a plan to convert the entire region to his brand of Christianity.

“I’ve been praying and I’ve been building houses and I’ve been trying to convene men and women of good faith and I’ve been writing slightly hostile best selling books,” the former President said, “and where has it gotten me? Nowhere! I’ve had enough. I’m putting down the hammer of Habitats for Humanity and instead I’m picking up the cross and the sword.”

Forcible conversion, the ex-President argued, was “the only remaining means by which to effect a comprehensive Middle Eastern peace.”

“These people have been fighting since the time of God,” Carter explained. “I’m so sick of all them, of their religions, their un-American sounding names, and everything else. It’s time to try something new.”

Carter invited all “men of courage and understanding” to meet him in Constantinople on August 8, the day that the Summer Olympics open in Beijing.

“This is an ideal time to launch what I’m calling the Ex-President’s Crusade,” Carter explained. “The world will be focused on China, which I intend to convert after I finish the job in Israel and Egypt and those places. No one will even notice what I’m doing until the Crusade is victorious.”

Among the goals for the Ex-President’s Crusade, Carter said, are the forcible conversion of all people, the institution of a democratically elected pan-Middle Eastern government with President Carter as the democratically elected Leader For Life, the replacement of felafel and shwarma with hamburgers and fried chicken, the forced reading of all of the former President’s best selling books, and a pan-Middle Eastern bake sale to pay for the cost of the Crusade.

China “Accidentally” Tears Down Forbidden City of Beijing, Erects High-Rise Condos, Shops

A team of 11,000 demolition experts recruited from all over China “accidentally” tore down every brick of Beijing’s Forbidden City in a single night, according to Chinese President Wen Jiabio, who apologized to the nation for the mistake in an unprecedented hastily arranged news conference broadcast over Chinese television.

“We needed more parking space and housing for visitors to the upcoming Olympic games,” President Wen told the nation. “Somehow the demolition crew went to the wrong location. Before anyone realized their mistake, the Forbidden City had been razed to the ground.”

Originally constructed during the Ming and Qing Dynasties, the Forbidden City covered 720,000 square meters of land, had almost 9,000 rooms, and served as the head of government for more than 500 years.

“We don’t know how this happened,” President Wen told the nation. “It was just one of those construction accidents you sometimes have.”

The imperial past represented by the Forbidden City had often been a “thorn in the side” of the Communist government started by Mao Zedong in 1948. Tiananmen Square, the site of a 1989 uprising crushed by the government, was viewed as something of an embarrassment to the current Chinese government in the days prior to the upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics.

“The site is really great real estate,” President Wen said, “and it must be used for the benefit of the people. The people need condos, not reminders of the imperial past. So maybe it’s all for the best.”

The Chinese government had feared that the international news media would return to Tiananmen Square and recall the events of 1989, but “that can no longer happen,” said President Wen. “We are partnering with an American mall-building company and hope to have a 1,000 shop mall, anchored by Nordstrom and Galleries Lafayette, on the site open in time for the Summer Games.”

President Wen denied that the crew of demolition experts were headed toward the section of the Great Wall of China nearest Beijing.

Monday, June 16, 2008

16 PGA Touring Pros Opt For Elective Knee Surgery

Dr. Sam Kinder, a prominent knee surgeon with a long history of operating on PGA touring professionals, told a hastily assembled Phoenix, Arizona news conference that at least 16 PGA pros had opted for knee surgery since Friday.

"I call it the Tiger effect," Dr. Kinder said. "These are professional athletes who will do anything for a competitive edge. If Tiger is seen limping on a bad knee to victory in a major, these other golfers want the same thing."

The PGA is considering a ban on elective knee surgery but recognizes that such a ban will be difficult to enforce. "If you make elective knee surgery illegal for professional golfers," Dr. Kinder warned, "you're going to see people getting injured in illegal, backroom knee surgery clinics. You're much better off having it out in the open, where procedures can be supervised."

Limping down fairways, grimacing after each shot, denying the use of painkillers, and taking off months at a time from practicing are strategies likely to replace taking lessons, practicing chipping and putting, and spending long hours on the driving range, according to golf experts.

"But if Tiger's getting his knee cut open," Dr. Kinder suggested, "then I'm sure I'll be seeing Sergio, Vijay, and even Jim Furyk in here before long. Furyk looks so uptight that I think he might have more of a bowel issue, but that's just one surgeon's opinion."

But knee surgery, necessary or not, is the most likely new option for golfers.

Golfers across the nation, professional and amateur, were stunned by Tiger Woods' astonishing performance in the recent U.S. Open at Torrey Pines.

"He's better with one bad knee than all other golfers with two good knees," Dr. Kinder said. "I don't want to perform unnecessary surgery, but it's not just that 'these guys are good,' as the PGA TV commercials say. Their health insurance is good, too."

McCain Invites Democratic Rival “JFK” to Debate Future of Vietnam War

Republican presidential candidate John McCain today invited the late President John F. Kennedy to a series of debates, to be moderated by the late ABC newscaster Howard K. Smith, about the future of the Vietnam War.

McCain issued the surprising invitation at a hastily arranged news conference at Vanderberg Air Force Base on California’s Central Coast. He appeared to be slightly confused about his surroundings, repeatedly thanking his hosts at Van Buren Air Force Base, which does not exist.

“I challenge Senator Kennedy to a series of history-making debates,” McCain told reporters, “in which the American people can decide for themselves who has the best plan to win the Vietnam War.”

The debates would be history-making, in that President John F. Kennedy died in 1963, almost 45 years ago, a fact the Republican Senator appeared to have forgotten.

“Kennedy got us into this war,” McCain told surprised reporters. “I don’t believe he has the political courage to see it all the way through to the finish line. There are weapons of mass destruction, or at least a lot of, you know, machetes and stuff, somewhere between Hue and Danang. If UNICEF doesn’t have the guts to go after those weapons, then I do.”

A flustered aide hastened to the Senator’s side and whispered some information in his ear.

“I have just been informed of the tragic death of President Kennedy,” a suddenly ashen McCain told reporters. “I think this pushes the debate over Vietnam and its oil reserves to the sidelines.”

McCain called for a week of national mourning and said that he would personally call Pete Rozelle, the late commissioner of the National Football League, and ask that all of this week’s games be called off, even though the upcoming football season does not begin until late August.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

eBay Offers Itself To Highest Bidder, on eBay

In a startling turn of events, eBay listed itself on eBay as an item that could be bid on and won in an online auction, eBay CEO Meg Whitman told a hastily assembled San Mateo, California news conference.

"We've been concerned for quite some time about the possibility of a hostile takeover," Whitman told financial reporters. "Due to the sluggish economy, revenue at the site is down 18 percent this year. We're vulnerable to someone like a Kirk Kerkorian or a Carl Icahn taking us over. We thought we'd be better off with someone who understands us, like someone who is already a member of the eBay community."

eBay started bidding for the entire company at $ .01, or one penny. Shipping charges within the United States vary by zip code, but the online calculator feature suggests that the entire site, including all of its corporate offices and networks of computer services, suggests that shipping and handling would run at least $1.5 billion.

So far, eleven bidders have taken the potential cost of the company to $725.49, which, according to Whitman, is "below the reserve price we set. We were hoping for something closer to forty to fifty billion dollars."

The "Buy It Now" feature on the listing offers eBay for immediate purchase at $17 billion, plus shipping charges.

"We figure that people will buy just about anything on our site," Whitman said, "regardless of whether it has any value or not. So we figured, that's the perfect demographic for trying to unload, I mean, sell, this company."

The auction concludes this Friday at 1:30 a.m., "when we get the largest number of drunken bidders," Whitman said. "But hey, read what it says on the site. A contract is a contract. You bid on eBay, you own it."

Anti-Immigrant Group Announces "A Day Without Americans"

At a hastily arranged Washington, D.C. press conference, a spokesman for the anti-illegal immigrant group, Borders Without Doctors, announced that July 4 would be declared "A Day Without Americans."

"We want illegal immigrants to recognize just how dependent they are on us for everything from the banking system to government services," Paul Monger of Borders Without Doctors told reporters. "The immigrants have no idea just how much they can't get along without us."

Patterned after the annual Los Angeles, CA event "A Day Without Mexicans," the day will feature closings of banks, government offices, libraries, post offices, and other vital features of American life. When asked whether these would have been closed anyway, since July 4 is a national holiday, Monger dismissed this as "mere coincidence."

"We think immigrants have been taking what this country offers for granted," Monger said. "When they see what it's like to live without all the benefits of our society, they'll think twice about their attitude toward our nation."

Surveys indicate that most Americans would like to see limits on illegal immigrants, with the exceptions of the following groups: all employers; all unions; the Democratic and Republican Parties; all homeowners in Southern California; all homebuilders, meatpackers, and produce growers; and the Catholic Church.

A spokesperson for an immigrants' rights group said that the concept of "A Day Without Americans" was "unimpressive" and that since it was a U.S. holiday, most undocumented workers would simply take the day off.

As Unemployment Rises, Fox TV Launches New Show, "Americans Idle"

Responding to rising unemployment and falling ratings, FOX TV announced the launch of a new reality show, "Americans Idle," at a hastily arranged Hollywood news conference.

"It's 'The Apprentice' meets 'American Idol,'" Fox spokesperson Jessica Albright explained. "It's a reality show where we're going to have thousands of ordinary Americans across the country competing for the chance to come on the air and try to win a job."

Regional tryouts will result in a cast of regular people who will be flown to Hollywood and given the chance to describe their job skills to a live studio audience, a team of three judges composed of HR executives from real employers, and viewers at home who will vote on which of the job candidates should actually find employment.

"We believe that Americans will do anything for a job in this economy," Albright said, "and if we can sort through hundreds of thousands of jobseekers to find one person who is actually worthy of employment, then the show will be a public service and not just a source of entertainment."

Contestants on the show will be able to compete for benefits like vacation time, childcare, and medical benefits.

"People need a job, and our show is going to offer exactly that--one job per season," Albright said. "We're here to help."

Saturday, June 14, 2008

In New Mayberry RFD Episode, Andy Enters Rehab Over Addiction to Porn

Sheriff Andy today informed by phone a hastily assembled Mayberry news conference that he had entered an undisclosed Arizona rehab facility for treatment related to an addiction to Internet porn.

"I just had too much time by myself in the jail area," a chastened Sheriff Andy said. "Ever since we got the wireless Internet thing put in there, I've been downloading hardcore stuff faster than two shakes of a lamb's tail. Actually, I got some good stuff with a gal and a lamb, but I don't want to talk about it."

Sheriff Andy explained that an intervention, led by Aunt Bee, led to the shattering of his denial of the effect of his porn habit on the community. "She explained to me that they could hear the moanin' and groanin' all the way clear over by the fishin' hole."

"Opey got pretty caught up in it, too," Sheriff Andy told reporters. "You should see his fingers fly over the keyboard. He knows some websites from places like Norway and such. I never even wanted to leave the jail."

Sheriff Andy said that he might never have been caught, but when Goober Pyle had gotten caught blowing a .189 and spent the night in the drunk tank, "he couldn't sleep a lick because I had the computer on 'til five a.m."

The hardest part of the whole thing, Sheriff Andy said, was "tellling Helen what all I was looking at. Turns out she checked my hard drive every night just to see what I was downloading. She already knew."

Rehab is expected to last 30 days, Sheriff Andy said, after which he intends to make public service announcements, warning young people of the dangers of Internet porn, together with rap artist R. Kelly.

CNN, Al-Jazeera Team Up To Create "Death Channel"

Buoyed by high ratings for Al-Qaeda video of an unidentified, blindfolded man about to executed by AK-47 on a busy city street, CNN spokesman Neil Butterman told a hastily assembled Atlanta news conference that his network and Arabic TV network Al-Jazeera had finalized plans to launch a new "Death Channel" available as a basic tier cable purchase throughout the U.S.

"We're the world leader in news," Butterman explained, "and al-Jazeera is the world leader in the provision of video of executions, violence, and mass killings. Partnering makes great economic sense. Together, we're better."

The new Death Channel will feature live al-Jazeera feeds and will be marketed with the slogans "All Death, All the Time" and "The Most Trusted Leader in Death."

"We're very excited about this new offfering," Butterman said. "Obviously, we here at CNN have enormous respect for human life. But ratings are ratings."

Butterman said that many other cable hosts will be pressed into service to narrate programs on the new channel. Jim Kramer, host of Mad Money, will preseent "Making a Killing on Wall Street." Larry King, host of "Larry King Live," will host "Larry King Dead." Wolf Blitzer will interview survivors of bombings and assassination attempts on a new program to be entitled "The Triage Room."

"Our biggest desire is to have Keith Olbermann on the new channel," Butterman said. "Dead or alive."

PGA: Tiger to Give Other Golfers 2 Strokes A Hole, "Just To Keep It Interesting"

Alarmed that Tiger Woods' superiority is leading to a drop in TV ratings, PGA spokesman Buzz Flynn told a hastily assembled San Diego, California news conference that, starting in the U.S. Open's final round, Tiger Woods would spot all other golfers two strokes a hole in order to keep the tournament interesting.

"Woods is awesome," Flynn told reporters, "but if he's on his game, he just keeps on winning everything. This way the other golfers will still have a chance."

Other changes to level the playing field, to be adopted at all tournaments in which Woods plays, include the following:

--Equipping the gallery with "thundersticks" which they will be allowed to bang together whenever Woods is driving or putting.

--Permitting cell phone calls and photography during Woods' backswing.

--Permitting the yelling of "You da man!" and "In the hole!" while Tiger is still taking a practice swing or bringing the clubface level with the ball.

--Allowing spectators who come upon Woods' ball, after his drives, to stamp it into the ground or throw it into the rough, to give him a tougher lie.

"We're sorry it's come to this," Flynn admitted. "But there's so much money to be won by players who simply come in tenth or fifteenth in tournaments that they have no impetus to try to win. These new innovations will make golf more fan-friendly and should increase the competitive nature of the game."

Woods, reached by cellphone on the 17th green of the third round of the tournament, told the Dissociated Press that "I can live with the changes, as long as golf's honorable traditions, and my endorsement money, are unaffected."

Friday, June 13, 2008

Hillary Awakens On Eve Of N.H. Primary: “You Won’t Believe My Nightmare”

Hanover, N.H. -- Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, the frontrunner as the 2008 nomination campaign begins here, told donors on a hastily arranged early morning conference call today she work up early this morning from “the scariest nightmare I ever had.”

According to Clinton, who, according to polls, owns a commanding lead in New Hampshire’s primary over challengers Barack Obama and Jonathan Edwards, “I dreamt it was early June and the whole thing was over and I lost. It was the worst dream ever! I wasn’t conceding defeat, and even though I’d won the popular vote and some of the most important states like Ohio and Michigan, all the superdelegates deserted me for some guy I never heard of. Ojama? Okama? Who is that guy?”

When reminded that challenger Barack Obama was, like Clinton, a U.S. Senator, and from her home state of Illinois, friends say she shook her head and replied, “There are 100 Senators. I can’t expect to know all of them. Which one is he again?”

Clinton elaborated on her nightmare as more details came to mind. “In the dream, he just kept getting supporters and raising more money than me. And the people seemed to like him, even though nobody knew what he stood for. He went through the whole primary season without taking a single position on anything! Can you imagine?

“And at the end of the race—you know, in early June, right around the time that Bobby Kennedy—never mind, I don’t want to get into that. So it’s June, and I lost, and I had to go groveling to this guy I’ve never heard of, to see if maybe, pretty please with sugar on top, I could be his Vice Presidential running mate. I mean, can you believe that?” she concluded, in utter disbelief.

“I can’t stay on the phone,” she told her supporters, who cooed and clucked over the utter impossibility of Senator Clinton’s nightmare scenario. “Gotta go try and do some last minute campaigning around New Hampshire today. A win here and I can sew this thing up by Super Tuesday, February 5.”

Celebrating Olympics, China Agrees to Accept One U.S. Import

In a hastily arranged Beijing news conference, Chinese Minister of Imports Bing Liu announced that in honor of the Olympic Games, China had agreed to accept one U.S. import as a token of positive relations between the two nations.

“Americans buy so much from China,” Minister Bing told reporters. “It’s only fair. The hard thing is figuring out what we want to buy from the U.S. You guys really make nothing we want.”

Bing said that “high price, poor selection, and low quality” were the main reasons Chinese consumers and businesses were not interested in American goods.

“We would really like to buy something authentically American,” Bing said, “like an American flag or New Balance running shoes or maybe a Ralph Lauren necktie. But it turns out that all that stuff is made here in China. If you have something good to sell us, we would like to import it. At least one item, even as a symbolic gesture. Something. Anything.”

China is currently running a $20.2 billion monthly trade surplus with the United States, according to recent press reports.

The Minister looked out at the sea of reporters and asked, “Any ideas?”

The press entourage shifted uneasily in its seats and averted its eyes, because none of them could think of anything the Chinese might want to import from the United States.

After an uncomfortable pause, the Minister added, “We really want to import something from America. Just for goodwill. Say, do jobs count?”