Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sarah Palin Removes Face Mask At Book Signing: Reveals She's Really Spiro Agnew

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today ripped off the face mask she has worn in public for the last 11 years, revealing herself to be a remarkably well-preserved former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew.

"Governor of a small, inconsequential state," Palin/Agnew told a hastily assembled Del Rio, Texas news conference. "Raised from obscurity by a Presidential candidate who was never embraced by the Republican right wing. Attack dog and cultural and media critic. I'm baaaaack!"

Palin/Agnew told reporters that she/he was the "kind of phenomenon that recurs every 40 years in American politics--a totally unqualified media celebrity-turned-VP candidate with nothing to offer the nation."

Palin/Agnew said that she/he "had learned the mistakes of the past and was not likely to be caught up in some sort of corruption scandal" as did Agnew in 1973.

"I could have been the Spiro of '76," Palin/Agnew told reporters. "But instead, I'm going all the way in 2012. After all, President Obama has shown the nation that just because you're totally unqualified to deal with America's problems doesn't mean you can't win in a massive landslide."

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Gates Thinks We'll Win Afghan War, Sees Dow At 30,000, Men On Mars

Secretary of State Robert Gates today issued an upbeat assessment of America's chances of prevailing in the war in Afghanistan, telling a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that "anybody who doesn't think we'll win is a spoilsport and totally uncool."

Gates also said he expects the Dow to soar to 30,000 by year-end, that men will land on Mars by April, that the I.R.S. will be abolished because once we win the war in Afghanistan we can finance the federal government on opium sales, and that the New York Mets will defeat the Kansas City Royals in four games in this October's World Series.

Gates, wearing dark glasses and speaking very slowly, told reporters that "everything is really fantastic" and that he was speaking for the President when he said that he was "really hungry" and wanted to know if "anybody here has any chocolate chip cookies."

The Secretary of Defense also told reporters that the Afghan people were "really cool, really trippy" and that he "dug their far-out flowing robes."

He concluded the press conference by extending the peace sign to reporters and informing them that "not only is Afghanistan winnable, but we'll stop off on the way home and kick the s--- out of Vietnam for good measure."

The White House was not available for comment because all West Wing employees were in the newly constructed meth lab located in the Rose Garden.

Monday, August 31, 2009

In Surprise Move, Patriots Trade Gisele Bundchen to Cowboys For Jessica Simpson, Draft Picks

On the eve of the upcoming NFL season, the New England Patriots have traded quarterback Tom Brady's wife, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to the Dallas Cowboys for quarterback Tony Romo's girlfriend, model/actress/whatever Jessica Simpson, plus two third round draft choices in the 2011 draft.

"We think that Simpson can shake up our offense," Patriots coach Bill Belichick told a hastily assembled Foxboro news conference. "Since his injury, [Tom] Brady has been spending too long in the pocket. We think the addition of Simpson will increase his lateral mobility."

Belichick said that Jerry Jones was "more than eager" to accept Bundchen in exchange for Simpson and the draft choices, because "Jerry said he still blames Simpson for distracting Romo from the playoffs a couple of years back. Jerry also says that Bundchen is the only quarterback girlfriend in the NFL whose legs are long enough to stretch across that big new scoreboard of his."

When asked whether Simpson's long mane of blonde hair, leggy supermodel body, and "come hither eyes" would distract the Patriots from their mission of returning to the Super Bowl, he replied, "I'd rather look at her across the field than Plaxico Burress, and I think I'm speaking for most if not all of the team when I say that."

Sick Kids Hold Telethon To Benefit Jerry Lewis

"Have you seen Jerry lately?" Freddy Johnston, age 7, asked a hastily assembled Las Vegas news conference. "He looks horrible. So we sick kids of America are going to have a telethon this year to support Jerry Lewis. He's done so much for us. It's time for us to give back."

Johnston suffers from a rare form of leukemia called Fernofel's Syndrome, which has no known symptoms and no known causes and has never been responsible for the death of a child but does require approximately $78,000 per year in prescription drugs.

"Jerry Lewis has done so much for children," Johnston said. "But he looks worse than any of us. The idea that he would stay up all night again just to help us--we just can't handle it. So we're going to take care of him this year."

Johnston said that if his parents let him stay up late, he and the other sick kids hoped to raise "somewhere in the area of $4.25 for Mr. Lewis. It's not much, but maybe he can buy some Advil or something. Because it looks like there's no cure for the telethon, and that's just not something we kids can feel good about."

"The View" Wins Daytime Emmy For Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests

"The View" took home a Daytime Emmy today for Best Show Involving Women Of Various Races, Ages, Political Viewpoints, and Attractiveness Fawning Over Guests. It was the only show in the category and won with 42% of the vote.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

Lockerbie Bomber Says Prison Was Okay, Except For The Haggis

Convicted and released Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi told a hastily assembled Tripoli news conference that he was grateful to his Scottish captors for releasing him because he was "sick not of imprisonment but of haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that the steady diet of haggis, Scotland's traditional dish made of sheep's lung, had contributed to his terminal illness and that he would not have minded staying in prison if it were not for the dish.

"Haggis for breakfast, haggis for lunch, haggis for dinner," al-Megrahi told reporters. "I liked the Scottish people I met including my prison guards, the golfers I met, the people who sang that song about 'O Flower of Scotland.' Very beautiful. But that haggis completely ruined my system. I petitioned for corn flakes, but all I could get was haggis, haggis, haggis."

Al-Megrahi said that his sole regret in life was that he did not bring down a jumbo jet over northern Italy.

"Fettucini, risotto, polenta, calimari," al-Megrahi told reporters in a dreamy tone of voice. "Anybody got an Alitalia schedule?"

Sharpton Claims LAPD Investigating Jackson Homicide "Only Because He's White"

Reverend Al Sharpton today told a hastily assembled Brooklyn, New York news conference that the reason Michael Jackson's death was still the subject of an LAPD homicide investigation is "only because he's white."

"Plenty of African Americans are killed every day," Rev. Sharpton told reporters. "But their deaths are never investigated. Police just write them off as gang killings. But when a white man dies, the Los Angeles Police Department springs into action."

"If Michael Jackson had been a Black man," Sharpton said, "this would never be happening. It's like I always say--when there's justice, there's just us."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Lynn Jenkins: "I Meant Waist-High Grope, Not Great White Hope"

Kansas freshman Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins today told a hastily assembled Wichita news conference that she had been "viciously misquoted" by a "vast left-wing media conspiracy" and that she had not said the Republicans were looking for a "great white hope" to run against President Barack Obama in 2012.

"I never said great white hope," Jenkins told reporters. "What I said was, I was so lonely and deprived of male physical contact that I was hoping to receive a waist-high grope from someone, preferably a man built like one of those Chippendales or Thunder Down Under guys you see in Vegas."

Jenkins, who has lived in Kansas all her life, told reporters that "I meant nothing against President Obama. My remark wasn't even political in nature. I'm just a lonely, lonely woman and the Congressmen I've met in D.C. are far more interested in having affairs with their underage pages than with a mature, robust woman like myself."

The Congresswoman told reporters that "while my comment obviously had been twisted by the liberal media to imply that we needed a white man to beat Obama, my intent was purely sexual. One waist-high grope and I'll be feeling like my old self again."

Police Find Evidence Of Food, Coffee, A Few Magazines At Michael Jackson's House

Acting on a tip from friends of the late singer, Los Angeles police investigators turned up evidence of peanut butter, instant coffee, and several month-old copies of TV Guide and Us Magazine.

"We expected heroin, dead bodies, and possibly children who had been taken as long-time hostages by Mr. Jackson," Ulf Rassindorf, a spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Department, told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference.

"We found none of those things," Rassindorf told reporters. "But we did find evidence that Mr. Jackson liked peanut butter sandwiches, with the crusts cut off, while he watched TV."

Reports had been circulating that the late pop star had been addicted to various drugs and that a police search of his home would turn up incriminating evidence.

"There's no law against liking Jif," Rassindorf said. "And while it's not exactly masculine to have the crusts cut off, it's not something we'd build a case around. In any event, the last time I checked, the late Mr. Jackson was still dead, so who really cares what he had in his house?"

Rassindorf pointed out that "although many people would not have chosen him for a babysitter or mother's helper, he did have enough money that he did not have to look for jobs in those fields. Here at LAPD, our attitude toward Mr. Jackson, quite frankly, is 'case closed.'"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Age Of Taiwanese Little Leaguer Doubted When His Wife, Kids Appear At Ballpark

Chien Hsu, the star pitcher for Taiwan's entry in the Little League World Series, was eliminated from the roster when his wife and three young children visited him in the clubhouse after Wednesday's qualifying game.

Hsu, 37, told a hastily arranged Williamsport, Pennsylvania news conference that he "deeply regretted" the confusion over his age. Hsu was listed on the team roster as being 14.

"I am truly sorry to have brought shame upon my family and nation," Hsu said, sporting razor stubble and a partially visible shoulder tattoo apparently depicting a Budweiser label. "I did not understand the rules of Little League. I thought that since I was little--I am just over five feet tall--I qualified."

Hsu said that he thought Little League was similar to 6 feet-and-under basketball leagues, which are popular in the United States.

"My children kept saying, 'Daddy, Daddy, you are so old compared with your teammates," Hsu told reporters. "I did find it odd that none of them smoked or were married, just me."

Hsu was to have pitched in the championship game in the Asia bracket for a Taiwan team considered, until his dismissal, the favorite in the annual event. He had pitched Taiwan to sixteen consecutive world championships, a fact that admittedly had raised eyebrows with Little League fans around the world.

"It's a relief," Hsu admitted. "Playing with 12- and 13-year-olds is hard. They swing and miss, they cry. They win, they make fart jokes. Until we talked, they knew nothing about where babies come from. From now on, I will only play with people my own age."

Spokesman for Kennedy Family Says Chappaquidick References Are “Tasteless”

“Reminding people that the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy got drunk and abandoned a woman to drown, at a time of adulation and reverence not seen since the tragic passing of Lady Di, is tasteless,” Nelson Kefiddle, a spokesman for the Kennedy family, told a hastily assembled Hyannisport news conference.

“Letting younger generations know that the man they look up to as the conscience of the Senate and the champion of the underprivileged was married at the time he drove drunk and caused the death of an innocent young woman, who was not his wife, really is not the height of good taste,” Kefiddle told reporters.

“Bringing up the fact that a man honored today as a paragon of justice was never brought to justice for the death he caused, and did not even receive a DUI or even a traffic violation, because he was rich and powerful, whereas if you or I had committed the same crime, we would still be in state prison, getting our salads tossed by Bobo, is just inappropriate and regrettable,” Kefiddle added.

“I mean, singling out Ted Kennedy for remembering his act of absolute inhumanity, not to mention an affront to marriage, not just his but all of ours, at a time when other celebrities like Michael Jackson get a free pass, is totally unjustifiable,” Kefiddle told reporters. “After all, nobody died at Neverland.”

Afghans Celebrate "Free And Fair" Elections By Slaughtering Hundreds

The Afghani people today celebrated their "free and fair" elections by slaughtering hundreds of innocent men, women, children, and the elderly, according to Afghanistan government spokesman Salad Al-Din told a hastily assembled Kabul news conference.

"We kill because we care," al-Din said. "These are not just acts of violence but 'statement' killings, which shows how deeply we respect our balloting process. We kill old, defenseless people to remind us that all people, of any age, must live in dignity.

"We kill innocent children to symbolize the fact that children are the future and we want to have a better future than we have today," al-Din added. "And we kill women because they are the infidel."

Al-Din told reporters that if there is a runoff election between incumbent Hamid Karsai and his main challenger, the surprise write-in candidate Sarah Palin, "we will kill even more people, because in our nation, the bullet and the ballot are one."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Madoff Girlfriend Claims Her Hair Was Victim Of Ponzi Scheme

Sheryl Weinstein, self-described mistress of disgraced financier Bernie Madoff, today told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that her hair been the victim of a hairdressers' Ponzi scheme.

"They knew I had Bernie's money," Weinstein said, "and they just passed me from one hairdressing station to the next. Every haircutter in the salon wanted to give me a different look, because they knew I was an extravagant tipper. Before I knew it, I had been through a dozen different haircutters, and they each charged me a fortune. My hair looks like it was done by committee."

Weinstein told reporters that Madoff "must really have loved me, because with his money, he could have had any woman, and he stuck with me. I mean, look at me! That's love."

Weinstein said that she was selling her memoirs to pay for therapy sessions, due to her despondency over Madoff's incarceration.

"Where is a woman who looks me going to get another billionaire?" she lamented. "Again, I mean, look at me! And Bernie...he doesn't call and he doesn't write..."

Sarah Palin In Surprise Runoff For Presidency Of Afghanistan

Former Alaska Governor, Republican vice presidential candidate and swimsuit model Sarah Palin was reported to have received more than 40 percent of the vote in this week's Afghanistan presidential elections, thus forcing her into a runoff with incumbent President Karzai.

"It's an honor," a surprised Palin told a hastily assembled Wasilla, Alaska news conference. "I didn't even know I was running."

Reports have surfaced that Afghani voters were offered nylons and Hershey bars in exchange for writing in Palin's name on their ballots. A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied involvement.

Report: Alleged Model Killer Thought He Was Trying Out For New Fox Reality Show, "Hey, I'm A Murder-Suicide Committer!"

Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman Eric Fonderman today told a hastily assembled Vancouver, British Columbia news conference that alleged model killer Ryan Jenkins appeared to have acted on the mistaken belief that he was trying out for a new Fox reality TV show, "Hey! I'm A Murder Suicide Committer!"

"Evidence we have reviewed," Fonderman told reporters, "indicates that Mr. Jenkins believed he was being considered as a contestant for a TV reality show. Everything involving the alleged murder of his ex-wife, and his own suicide, points to that incorrect assumption."

Fonderman said that Mr. Jenkins had left more than a dozen phone and text messages for Fox executives, asking them whether his "body of work" was sufficient for his inclusion on the new show, scheduled to air starting in September.

"When it appeared that he wasn't going to make the show," Fonderman told reporters, "Mr. Jenkins appeared to take the news pretty hard. He really thought he had a chance to make the show. Reality TV can be a cruel mistress."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Budweiser Denies Endorsement Deal With Woman To Be Caned In Malaysia

A spokesman for Budweiser today denied that the brewery was seeking to craft an endorsement deal with the Malaysian woman to be caned next month for drinking beer in public.

“We are not looking to involve ourselves in what we consider an internal matter in that country,” Moe Blathington, a corporate spokesman, told a hastily assembled St. Louis, Missouri news conference. “We are certainly not looking to turn this into a commercial opportunity.”

Blathington denied a report that Budweiser had ordered its top executives to Malaysia to strike a million dollar endorsement deal with the woman in question, a 32-year-old nurse, mother, and part-time model.

He also denied a report that the brewery’s primary ad agency, the Chicago office of DDB Worldwide Communication Group, had already created a series of storyboards based on a series of ads intended to appeal to men 21-35 years of age and had been testing campaigns with focus groups.

According to published reports, the ad campaigns had these taglines:

Bottoms Up!

Budweiser…The Butt-Meister!

Whipping The Competition

Citizen Cane

Good To The Last Swat

Whip It! Whip It Good!

Blathington denied that the most successful ad tagline, the one that had the most success with focus groups, was This Butt’s For You!

“We’re a caring company,” Blathington said. “We would never seek to capitalize on someone else’s misfortune. Well, maybe just this once.”

Red Sox Seek Move To National League East

"It's not fair," Red Sox principal owner John Henry told a hastily assembled Boston news conference. "The teams in the American League East are too good. The National League is like Double-A ball compared to what we have to face. We want out."

Henry sought "compassionate leave" status from Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for the bloodied and brutalized Red Sox, who dropped a weekend series to the longtime rival New York Yankees.

"This isn't whining," Henry said. "It's a demonstration of absolute failure and frustration on our part. We can't compete, even with a Yankee team like this one, held together with spit and baling wire."

"We've done our part for baseball," Henry said. "A century of rivalry with the Yankees and the Orioles, and now the Rays and Blue Jays, too? Give us a break. We'd rather face off against the Mets and the other dregs of society over there in the National League Least."

Henry said that his team had "deliberately given up all those runs to the Yankees" in order to lull the New York team into a "state of complacency. We've got them just where we want them. It's just that we don't want to be here anymore."

Henry said that if Selig didn't let the Red Sox move into the National League "by the end of the regular season," he would "pick up his players and go home."

Friday, August 21, 2009

Struggling Red Sox Activate Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, Juan Marichal, Bob Feller, And The Late Cy Young

The struggling Boston Red Sox, barely keeping pace with the Texas Rangers in the race for the wild card in the American League, have activated 14 former league pitchers including Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, Bob Feller, and the late Cy Young in an effort to keep from falling into baseball oblivion.

"We're doing everything we can," Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein told a hastily assembled Boston news conference. "These guys are major leaguers and in some cases Hall of Famers. We're just looking for them to eat up some innings so we can get to Papelbon and have a chance."

Epstein said that "the fact that some of these guys are dead is an impediment, but not an impossibility. I mean, even dead guys can surely do better than Brad Penny and John Smoltz."

Jackson Family To Display Michael’s Body On 50-City Tour

“It’s all about giving the people what they want,” Ira Brackower, a spokesman for the Jackson family, today told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference. “The people have spoken. They want to see Michael, no matter what.”

Brackower held the news conference to inform the public as to the reason for the heretofore unexplained delay in Jackson’s burial. Jackson had been scheduled to be buried at Forest Lawn in September, but the event will be postponed until after the tour.

“People already bought their tickets,” Brackower told reporters. “They wanted to see Michael, they wanted to hear the songs, and they wanted to see the dancing. So the songs will be recorded, the dancing will be on a big video screen, and Michael will be, well, present.”

When reporters asked whether displaying Jackson’s body on a 50-city tour was “ghoulish and materialistic,” Brackower replied, “No more so than any of his albums since Thriller.”

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Pallin: Let's Offshore The Working Class, Starting With My Husband

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, kicking off an unofficial bid for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination, today recommended offshoring America's working class, starting with her husband Todd.

"The work has gone offshore, so let the working class follow," Palin told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills, California news conference. "And let my husband Todd lead the parade."

Palin, who recently bought herself a $5 million Beverly Hills estate, $1 million worth of jewels, and $3 million worth of Bowie knives, from the proceeds of the sale of the rights to her first book, denied that money has changed her attitudes toward working people.

"I never liked them," Palin admitted to reporters. "They're always so...busy. Working. Commuting. Complaining. I say that America is for Americans who can afford America. And if you can't afford to be here, go pick another country to live in."

Palin denied that she wanted to establish "worker panels" to determine which unemployed American workers had the lowest likelihood of finding a new job.

"That's a terrible rumor," she said, "although it would be a great thing if we could get our country down to, say, 200 million, which would cover the number of people in the United States who actually have jobs."

Palin also denied reports that her first action as President would be to issue an Executive Order sending her husband Todd to a fishing trawler fleet in Northern Siberia.

"Todd who?" Palin asked reporters, cupping a hand around her ear. "I don't know anyone named Todd. At least, I thought I knew him. Next question?"

Plaxico Seeks Lighter Sentence On Grounds He Wounded, Not Killed, Himself

“If I had killed myself,” former New York Giant Plaxico Burriss told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, “I believe I would be entitled to the two-year sentence I got. But since I didn’t, I shouldn’t be in prison so long.”

Burriss shot himself in the leg while visiting a Manhattan nightclub. Since his handgun was unregistered, he was in violation of New York State’s firearms laws. A judge today sentenced him to two years in prison.

“It wasn’t that big a deal,” Burriss told reporters. “People get shot in clubs every day of the week. If somebody gets killed, give them a long time in prison. If I had killed myself, put my a-- away for a long stretch. I get that. But I just wounded myself. I think I should just get probation.”

Burriss said that if he were given probation and shot and killed himself, he would “willingly turn myself in. It would be the least I could do, because if I kill myself, there’s no telling who I would kill next.”

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Disspirited Terrell Owens "Can't Buy A Headline"

Bills running back Terrell Owens was admitted to a Buffalo, New York hospital with "mild to severe depression over his inability to get any attention from the football world," team spokesman Ed Gurt told a hastily assembled Buffalo news conference.

"He's just feeling down," Gurt told reporters. "He's come out to the practice field naked, diverted a busload of Make-A-Wish kids to a nude dance club, where he had them shower the dancers with hundred dollar bills, and threatened the lives of seven world leaders. And he can't buy a headline, what with Favre and Vick getting all the ink."

Owens is used to a much higher level of attention, Gurt said, in cities with more volatile media outlets and fan bases.

"Here in Buffalo, we don't get too high and we don't get too low," Gurt said.

Owens was "doing better" on the unlocked unit, Gurt indicated, and has abandoned plans to go over Niagara Falls "in nothing but a jockstrap" and to demand that the other 10 men on the offensive unit "sit down on the turf" while he runs plays against other teams in single combat.

"Terrell will be fine," Gurt said. "At some point, Brett and Michael Vick will fade into the background and Terrell will get his regular share of attention on SportsCenter. Until then, well, Buffalo plus Terrell Owens equals the sound of crickets."

O.J. Simpson, Learning DNA Can Be Faked, Seeks Murder Retrial

"I'm convinced that new evidence will demonstrate that I didn't kill anybody," O.J. Simpson told a hastily assembled Ely State Prison, Ely, Nevada news conference. "They lied about my DNA. The truth will come out."

Simpson, apparently responding to a report that scientists in Israel revealed that DNA evidence could be fabricated, maintained his innocence in the killing of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

"I will be set free any day now," Simpson said. "As soon as I can get my lawyers on this, I will be released."

Simpson told reporters that his conviction was "wrong" and that he had been found guilty "due to DNA evidence that that white policeman made up about me."

Reporters reminded Mr. Simpson that he had actually been found not guilty in the criminal trial concerning the murders of Simpson and Goldman.

After a long, puzzled silence, Mr. Simpson asked reporters, "Then why am I in prison?"

Aging Favre Apologizes For Torturing Dogs; Says He "Doesn't Recall"

An aging Brett Favre today told a hastily assembled Minneapolis news conference that while he was glad to be back in the NFL, he had "no recollection" of torturing or harming dogs.

"I've been reading all the headlines," Favre, 57, told reporters, "and maybe I've taken too many hits on the football field, but I don't recall ever doing anything bad to dogs like I've been reading about."

Favre said he had a dog named "Poochie", a play on the football term "pooch kick," but "I never did anything to him worse than, you know, hit him on the snout with a newspaper when he peed on my wife's Persian rug. Otherwise, I would never do anything mean to an animal."

When a reporter pointed out that Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick was responsible for dog torture, not Favre, Favre whistled and sighed in relief.

"I get confused," Favre admitted. "But I'll say this. I couldn't be prouder than to be wearing the uniform of the San Diego Redskins. I mean the Pittsburgh Cowboys. I mean, um, the Vikings. That's it, the Vikings."

Friday, August 14, 2009

Aryan Nation, Klan, Mexican Mafia, 7 Porn Stars Endorse ObamaCare

President Obama's struggling health care bill received a series of unexpected--and perhaps not entirely welcome--shots in the arm when a variety of socially unacceptable entities gave the plan their full endorsement.

"We love ObamaCare," Don Bonger, Chairman of the National Alliance of Unacceptable Societies, Entities, and Associations, an alliance of racist groups, criminal gangs, and porn stars, told a hastily assembled Boise, Idaho news conference. "It's got something for all of us."

Bonger told reporters that many members of the various entities that make up NAUSEA "don't pay taxes, won't pay taxes, hate foreign doctors, or have nasty diseases" that ObamaCare would cover.

"We hate America," Bonger said. "We see this healthcare plan as a way to bankrupt the nation within five to ten years, while giving our members free treatment for everything from cooties to swine flu. Having this healthcare system in place almost makes up for the fact that the President is--well, everybody knows what he is."

Mel Gibson Blames Girlfriend's Pregnancy On The Jews

Movie star Mel Gibson today told a hastily assembled Malibu press conference that the real reason his girlfriend was pregnant was "because of the Jews."

Gibson told reporters that Oksana Grigorieva, 39, had become pregnant "not through my efforts but through some sort of divine intervention. I think the Jews had never really forgiven me for my outburst that time I got arrested. So when Oksana came along, it was payback time."

Gibson denied that he was anti-Semitic and said he had "great respect" for certain Jews, especially those who managed his investment portfolio and were handling his divorce.

Other Jews, however, Gibson pointed out, "have a history of, you know, causing pregnancy without, you know, sex. All I can say, if you read the Bible, is what happened to me isn't the first time."

Gibson and Grigorieva are not planning to marry at this time.

"There's a slim possibility that Oksana is Jewish," Gibson told reporters. "A lot of Russians are and either don't know it or won't admit it. So I'm still doing my research before I make any commitments."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Cheney's Memoirs Prove Bush's Stupidity "Because He Listened To Me"

Former Vice President Dick Cheney told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that his memoirs will prove former President Bush's "stupidity," because Bush listened to Cheney and "did everything I said."

"The President was an empty vessel that darker forces, including myself, manipulated with ease," Cheney told reporters. "My Svengali-like control was so complete I could have had him invading Florida if I so desired."

Cheney said that Bush was "smart enough to smile at the right camera, but otherwise, very easily led. He knew he was in over his head when we got him elected President. So he relied on his father's advisors. He was in awe of us, so we got to do anything we wanted. I could have had my way with Laura, had I so chose."

Cheney denied reports that he had actually told the President to invade Iran and not Iraq. "The guy isn't a great speller," the former Vice President said. "But I would never have let him invade a country where Halliburton couldn't have played a major role in reconstruction."

Cheney said that had the war in Iraq gone better, he would have had the President invade Nigeria "on some flimsy pretext or other," to destroy that country's infrastructure to create more contracts for Halliburton.

"I felt like a cross between Svengali and that Jedi mind control thing on Star Wars," Cheney admitted. "It was the happiest time of my life."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Pitino Leaves Tennesseans Puzzled As He Was Not Related To Girl

University of Louisville spokesman Harley Backhammer today told a hastily assembled Louisville, Kentucky news conference that the University had no problem with the fact men's basketball coach Rick Pitino had enjoyed a sexual encounter with a young woman not his wife in an Italian restaurant six years earlier.

"The only thing we're hearing from the alumni," Backhammer said, "was confusion over the fact that Coach was not related to the girl. I guess Northeners have different standards. As long as he keeps winning, though, he can sleep with anyone, whether it's a relative or not."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Alzheimer's Researcher Misplaces Alzheimer's Study, Glasses, Lunch

A hastily assembled news conference at the National Institute of Health in Bethesda, Maryland was delayed for almost 90 minutes when the lead Alzheimer's researcher, Dr. Quentin R. Bernstein, admitted he had misplaced the results of the study he was to announce, along with his bifocals and his lunch.

Dr. Bernstein told repeatedly reporters that "it had to be somewhere," and that as soon as he found the results of the landmark longitudinal Alzheimer's study, he would share the information with the assembled media members.

Compounding the situation was the fact that Dr. Bernstein could not locate his bifocals, which made it much harder for him to locate the missing study.

Another missing item was Dr. Bernstein's lunch, which he thought he had put in the refrigerator but turned out to have been left in his car, along with his car keys, cell phone, and wallet.

The missing lunch eventually provided the key to the missing study results, which Dr. Bernstein, reporters learned, had placed in the office refrigerator, along with his tickets to tonight's Washington Nationals baseball game.

When the news conference finally began, Dr. Bernstein, who had to be reminded several times why so many people were looking at him, repeated the news at least six times that Alzheimer's probably led to a loss of memory, according to the results of the new study,

Paula Abdul Leaves "Idol", Citing Desire To "Return to Obscurity"

"I've been famous long enough," Paula Abdul today told a hastily assembled West Hollywood news conference. "It's time to let someone else have a turn."

Abdul, 47, or maybe 50, told reporters that "I was tired of seeing people making fools of themselves. I'm not talking about the performers--I'm talking about the audience and the rest of the cast."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Obama Announces "Cash For Cash" Program

Building on the success of the "Cash For Clunkers" program, President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that he was initiating a "Cash For Cash" program to help "cash-strapped Americans."

The President told reporters that Americans could bring one dollar in torn up bills to any Federal Reserve office and receive $4.50 in exchange.

"We believe that allowing Americans to trade in crumpled, old money for $4.50 in freshly printed bills and shiny new quarters will stimulate the economy," Obama said.

"Turns out we've got these big ol' printing presses over at the Treasury Building," the President told reporters. "And we're not printing half as many bills as we could be. So it creates additional employment for government workers, since they're working overtime printing new money, and the money stimulates the people who get into the 'Cash For Cash' program to spend or save more."

Asked how the President could make up the difference between the $1 the Federal Reserve was taking in and the $4.50 it was paying out, Obama replied, "In one word--volume."

Bush Memoirs Reveal Iraq Invasion Meant "To Impress Brooklyn Decker"

An unnamed Random House editor today revealed to a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that the memoirs of former President George W. Bush reveal that the Iraq invasion was meant "to impress Brooklyn Decker."

The editor told reporters that Bush's "infatuation" with the then-teenage model began when he saw a photo of her in Teen People.

"He wanted to do something to get her attention," the editor said, promising that more details would be forthcoming in the former President's memoirs.

"He considered offering her a tour of the Oval Office and the Lincoln Bedroom," the editor told reporters, "but her parents turned it down. So instead we invaded Iraq."

A spokesperson for Decker, now a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model and the girlfriend of tennis star Andy Roddick, said that Decker was "touched" by the former President's gesture but that "a simple call from the White House would have been sufficient."

The President's memoirs, which are expected to run at least 9 pages, are due next fall.

Politicians Vow Not To Be More Corrupt In Cities Losing Their Newspapers

The head of a national alliance of fairly corrupt politicians told a hastily assembled Passaic, New Jersey news conference that corruption would not increase markedly in cities that were losing their daily newspapers due to changes in the media industry.

"The temptation would be great," Angelo O'Reilly, Chair of the National Alliance of Fairly Corrupt Politicians, told reporters. "I mean, without you guys watching us, why not steal everything that isn't nailed down? But that would be wrong."

O'Reilly said that additional corruption is "inevitable" as local daily newspapers fade away.

"I mean, who's gonna report on us?" O'Reilly asked. "Craigslist?"

Even though temptation would exist to act in increasingly greedy, selfish and illegal ways, "We have to remember that there are still wire services and local TV news," O'Reilly said. "So we have to keep our increased levels of corruption from going through the ceiling."

O'Reilly pointed out that not every politician was corrupt, and that his organization existed in order to remind Americans that "a little greed was okay once in a while."

"We'll miss newspaper reporters," O'Reilly said. "Well, maybe for about a month or two. And then after that, we'll be able to steal anything we want with near-total impunity. As for myself, I can hardly wait."

Military Seeks Used Cell Phones To Drop On Enemy

"We want your old phones," Air Force General Patrick Kirkpatrick today told a hastily assembled Pentagon news conference. "Also your old toner cartridgers, laptops, and any other heavy metal objects you don't need anymore, like toasters or TVs."

General Kirkpatrick told reporters that such objects had been donated in the past to be given to men and women in uniform, "but it turns out that the objects make really great projectiles when dropped on the enemy from a great height."

The General told reporters that the discovery of weaponized former PDAs, cell phones, and other household items and appliances was made when a staff sergeant accidentally left his iPhone on an unmanned drone shortly before takeoff in Northeastern Pakistan.

"The iPhone scored a direct hit on a militant," General Kirkpatrick told reporters. "Took him out in nothing flat. So we thought, let's drop all kinds of undesired technological gear from jets. It's cheaper than real ordnance, and surprisingly effective."

General Kirkpatrick said that citizens could leave unwanted metal objects at any military base or post office across the United States.

"No religious fervor is a match for a well-aimed if technologically outdated Blackberry," Kirkpatrick told reporters. "As Ralph Kramden would have said, 'Pow, Alice! Right in the kisser!'"

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fear Of Copycat Athlete Killings Has Sportsmen Sleeping Alone

In the wake of the murders of football great Steve McNair and boxer Arturo Gotti, many of the world's greatest athletes have decided to sleep alone for the foreseeable future, according to a new study.

John Halliday, President of the American Society For The Preservation Of Captivating Athletes, told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference today that more and more athletes are "looking at their wives, mistresses, and camp followers in a colder, more clinical light" since the McNair and Gotti killings.

"We can't blame the athletes for wanting to protect themselves from what may be a spate of copycat athlete murders," Hailiday told reporters. "It used to be that safe sex required only a condom. Now it requires installing a metal detector in your master bedroom or your secret love nest."

Among the athletes who are now abandoning their girlfriends and wives are soccer star David Beckham, cyclist Lance Armstrong, and the entire roster of the Montreal Canadiens.

"We're hoping that the girlfriends and wives will realize that a simple 'Dear John' letter is all they need in order to end a relationship," Halliday said. "Or even a text message saying, 'It's over.' Boxers always have said that sex is bad for their legs. Now it turns out it may be bad for their whole bodies, including the major arteries and veins running to and from the heart."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

NAMBLA Annual Meeting Attracts Largest Crowd Ever

NAMBLA's annual meeting attracted a record crowd of more than 18,000 to the Staples Center for an affirmation of its principles, A singer was also honored at the event.

Friday, June 26, 2009

GM Announces First Post-Bankruptcy Car, The "Obama"

General Motors CEO Dave Smith today told a hastily assembled Detroit press conference that the auto maker's first new marque after entering bankruptcy would be the "Obama."

"The Obama will be sleek, powerful, and able to go in many different directions at the same time," Smith told reporters. "It will get great mileage, look beautiful, and be the envy of its owners' neighbors."

Smith said that the only problem with the car is its pricetag. It will cost "upwards of $12 trillion," Smith said. "All we have to do is sell one."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Obama: I'm Doing To Democracy What Bush Did To Iraq

President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that his Presidency was modeled on his predecessor's approach to Iraq.

"We understand we have to destroy democracy in order to save it," Obama told reporters. "Whether the issue is executive pay for bankers, health care, running GM, or anything else our administration is doing, I believe that we have a strong precedent in President Bush's foreign policy.

"Bush went into Iraq and destroyed it to rebuild it. I'm doing the same thing right here at home."

The President told reporters that "sometimes you have to break something in order to benefit from it, like a piggy bank, or for my Latino friends, a pinata. And once you do, people get something out of it. And after a while, they don't even miss the old thing they used to have."

Obama said that "It may take a few years before people start to realize that we destroyed democracy in order to save America. But the alternative, letting the free market system and the business cycle come around again, was just unacceptable."

Obama also said that GM's first new model vehicle since entering into bankruptcy, the Obama, would be available this fall "but without any options."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Obama Freezes Kim Jong-Il's Netflix Account

"You can weaponize your uranium to make nuclear weapons, or you can have access to the most complete library of feature films and TV shows, in your mailbox the next morning, but you can't have both," President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference as he announced the unilateral freezing of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il's Netflix account.

"We understand that a movie buff like Kim Jong-Il will take this as an act of war," Obama told reporters. "But if he wants a standoff to see who blinks first, I would advise that movie-loving strongman to bring plenty of popcorn."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Al-Jazeera, Citing Slipping Ratings, Renames Itself Al-Jarreau, Focuses On Soft Jazz

Al-Jazeera, the preeminent news voice of the Arab world, today announced that due to ratings pressure, it was changing its name to Al Jarreau and focusing on soft jazz.

"People are tired of war," spokesman Ali Hashemi told a hastily assembled Damascus news conference. "They want nice music they can have on in the background while they work or raise their kids. Our new format, Al Jarreau, should be very enticing to a growing audience."

Hashemi said that "while we will occasionally break for news updates, we will offer a steady, comforting flow of music like Kenny G., the Blue Knights, and Grady Nichols, along with traditional favorites like Chuck Mangione and, of course, our new namesake, Al Jarreau.

"Maybe we can't bring peace to the Middle East," Hashemi told reporters. "But we at least we can bring peace to the radio dial."

Friday, March 27, 2009

Gloria Allred Reveals She Fathered Octo-Mom’s Kids

Los Angeles civil rights attorney Gloria Allred today revealed to a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference that she secretly fathered the eight newborn children of Octo-Mom Nadja Suleiman.

“I’m a man,” Allred admitted, pulling off her hair and makeup before a live TV audience. “I’ve been living a lie all these years. It took Nadja to help me finally tell the truth.”

Allred, who has handled many of the leading civil rights cases over the last few decades, was always known for her strong support of feminism combined with a high degree of toughness in the courtroom.

“I found it easier to succeed in a man’s world as a woman,” Allred told stunned reporters. “But Nadja helped me find my masculine side. She’s all woman, and that brought out the man in me.”

Allred, who told reporters she intends to revert to her birth name, George, said she will take an indeterminate leave of absence from her law practice and raise all 14 children, including the octoplets, "with the woman I love.”

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Buffalo Bills Let T.O. Into Their Bedroom, Claiming Owens Promises Not To “Take Advantage"

The Buffalo Bills today let former Dallas Cowboy, San Francisco 49er, and Philadelphia Eagle Terrell Owens into their bedroom today “just to sleep and to be friends,” claiming that “Owens promised he would not take advantage or do anything bad.”

Bills General Manager Russ Brandon told a hastily assembled if sparsely attended Buffalo news conference “Owens said he would be a perfect gentleman and that he wouldn’t try anything. He said we could trust him, and that nothing will happen.”

Brandon told both reporters present that “Just because Terrell has had some accusations against him in the past doesn’t mean he won’t behave honorably. We think he respects us and will just look for a quick kiss goodnight but won’t ask for anything more than that.”

Brandon also said that “contrary to published reports, the Buffalo Bills still do play in the National Football League and that Buffalo in fact is in America, and we do have telephone and Internet, so people will be able to find out what happens with T.O., the same day it happens.”

AIG Employee Finds $500 Billion In Bailout Money Behind Desk

“We knew it was around here somewhere,” AIG New York office manager Rachel Buttowitz told a hastily assembled New York news conference, after a temp worker discovered $500 billion in small bills in several briefcases stuck behind a desk in a lightly used office.

“We’re relieved, of course,” Buttowitz told reporters. “You know how it is when you’ve lost something important and then you find it.”

Buttowitz said that the $500 billion was TARP money recently delivered from the U.S. Treasury to aid in the bank’s bailout.

“I think that one of our people was on the way to the bank with the money when he got a phone call from a client,” Buttowitz explained, “and she got distracted with a client’s business, and she just left the briefcases here. And then the cleaning staff must have just stuck them behind the desks during our recent remodel.”

Buttowitz said that AIG was now conducting an “office-by-office sweep” to make sure that there weren’t any other suitcases full of billions of dollars in TARP money somewhere else.

The temp was given a $50 reward for finding the $500 billion, Buttowitz said.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Hillary: Under My Brilliant New Plan, Syria Can Sponsor Only 100 Suicide Bombers Per Year

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today told Syrian President Bashir al-Assad that under her brilliant new plan, Syria could sponsor up to 100 suicide bombers per year.

“We think that if Syria can keep it under 100 suicide bombers in a 12-month period, we can convince Israel to give back the Golan Heights,” Clinton told a hastily arranged news Damascus news conference.

“If Israel really wants to have peace in the region,” Clinton said, “it has to accept the fact that Syria is going to sponsor terrorism. But if Israel gives up the Golan Heights, then we can probably get Syria to sponsor less terrorism.”

Clinton said that she was “very excited” to go to Israel and present her brilliant new plan to the Israeli government “as soon as they have one.”

“Those Israelis have to be pretty used to people blowing themselves up,” Clinton said. “But if I can get them to accept this peace proposal, then I’m a lock for the Nobel Peace Prize. And it’s only my first 100 days as Secretary of State.”

Thursday, March 5, 2009

GM Admits Locking UAW Members in Trunks Of Cars Sent Overseas

GM CEO Rick Wagoner today admitted to a hastily assembled Detroit news conference that the struggling auto maker had been locking one to three UAW members inside the trunk of each car and truck manufactured in the United States and shipped overseas.

"We did provide each auto worker with food and water sufficient for the journey," Wagoner said, "but we cannot deny that we were trying to reduce our labor force, and this seemed like a good idea at the time."

Wagoner said that "upwards of 600" auto workers had been "off-shored" in the program, Operation Spare Parts, which GM management had crafted in late 2008 in order to minimize health care and pension liabilities for GM workers.

Wagoner denied that only old and sick workers were selected for "off-shoring." He claimed that "all workers, even some healthy ones, were sent overseas."

The workers were locked into cars one at a time, and as many as three in an Escalade, and sent to countries including Belgium, Singapore, and Fiji.

"Without papers, they would not have been able to return to the United States," Wagoner said. "Wall Street told us to cut costs. So we cut costs. And maybe a few corners, too, truth be told."

Wagoner said that Operation Spare Parts would not have come to light except for the fact that one of the locked-in workers, an aging, infirm windshield wiper installer two years from retirement, pushed the OnStar button while the car in which he was locked was about to leave the Port of Los Angeles for South Korea.

"At least we know OnStar works," Wagoner concluded. "Just one more reason to buy GM."

Expensive New Gov't Study: Goatees Cause Obesity In Middle-Aged Men

An expensive new government study reveals that goatees and other forms of unshaven chin hair can cause obesity in middle-aged men.

"Failure to shave one's chin thoroughly can result in unwanted waistline flab," National Institutes of Health spokesman Tammy Finer told a hastily assembled Besthesda, Maryland news conference.

"You see it all the time," Finer told reporters. "Guys with little goatees and wispy beards on their chins--they suddenly are sprouting an extra 30, 50, or even 70 pounds of belly fat. Our study, which took five years and cost more than $6.2 million, shows a definite link between growing those funny little beards and getting fat, even obese."

As a result of the study, Finer said, the government was now recommending as a health issue that men over 35 not grow goatees, because "goatees clearly make men fat."

Finer said that the government was "convinced" that "we can reduce obesity in middle-aged men if only they would get rid of those little beards."

The NIH, Finer said, was "the government's best weapon in the war against bad health" and that "every dime of the very expensive, multi-million dollar studies we commission on behalf of taxpayers is a wise expenditure of the money."

When reporters asked whether the government report might have confused cause with effect--that obese, middle-aged men grew goatees in order to cover up flabby chins--Finer rubbed her chin, paused, and replied, "That's really interesting. We never thought of that."

Limbaugh Challenges Obama To Arm-Wrestle For Supremacy Of World

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh today challenged President Barack Obama to "arm-wrestle for supremacy of the world."

"I will arm-wrestle the President," Limbaugh told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "Either arm, left or right. Best of three arm-wrestles. And the winner shall be judged Supreme Ruler of the Entire World."

Limbaugh said that "The President was elected by 60 million people, but more than 20 million people a week listen to me. So in the course of a month, I have more listeners than he has voters. He has no right to think he runs this country. I do."

Limbaugh said that arm-wrestling was "the perfect method of settling matters" because the President had been "twisting arms in Congress" to "arm-wrestle the country into Marxism, and it's time that someone stand up to him."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Beckham To Use Stunt Double For Remaining American Soccer Matches

International soccer star David Beckham today told a hastily assembled Milan news conference that he would use a stunt double “to play myself” in American soccer.

“We hate L.A.,” Beckham said, speaking for himself and his wife, a former singer, “we hate America, and we hate American-style soccer. We even hate the name ‘soccer’. And we hate American football, too.”

Beckham said that the use of a stunt double would allow him to “perform at the highest levels for soccer fans in Italy who appreciate my greatness as a player and not just my angular, phenomenal physique.”

Beckham said that his feelings about America “weren’t personal, because we don’t like anyone or anything about the country. The use of a stunt double will satisfy American soccer fans, because I hadn’t played that much anyway, so no one will really notice the difference.”

Beckham did thank the 8 million Americans who bought his replica t-shirt, which, he said, he didn’t like, either.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Facebook Defends Right To Know Absolutely Everything, And I Mean Everything, About Its Members

Facebook has a right to know absolutely everything about its members, even information its members do not choose to place online, a spokesman told a hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference.

"Our user agreement has a special provision," Facebook spokesman Arnold Greengrocer told reporters, "that gives us permission to follow our members through the GPS tracking systems in their cell phones and cars. We're seeing who is hanging out with whom, and where, and we're posting it on our site."

Greengrocer said that members "who have nothing to hide have nothing to worry about. For example, if you're married, and we determine that your cell phone and your wife's cell phone are at the same coordinates, and we post that information, you shouldn't be concerned. But if you're having an affair, you should expect that we will post that information, including when and where and how long you are together."

Greengrocer said that the purpose of the GPS search feature was to "help people recognize that they need to live their lives in a more moral, upright fashion. If you live your life so that you don't have to worry about what appears on Facebook, then you'll be okay. If not, well, nobody forced you to post your stuff on our site, and no one forced you to sign our terms of service.

"Did we mention that we will keep this information forever?" Greengrocer added. "By the way, if you miss your regular AA meeting, we'll post that, too. Our new slogan: 'Facebook. Because we can.'"

Adam Corolla Spotted At 405 On-Ramp With Sign, "Will Talk For Food"

Former KLSX morning man Adam Corolla was spotted by motorists at the southbound Santa Monica Boulevard entrance to the 405 freeway in West Los Angeles, panhandling while carrying a hand-lettered sign reading "Will Talk For Food."

Corolla and the rest of the KLSX now-defunct talk radio lineup were fired in mid-February amid slumping ad revenues and declining ratings.

"I didn't manage my money well," Corolla told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference after video of his panhandling had been posted on YouTube. "I thought the money would keep pouring in forever, even though the show was only marginally funny and listeners were deserting us like rats jumping off a sinking ship."

Corolla told reporters that he had "no career prospects" after his annoying putdowns of everyone in Hollywood who "might have employed me had I not been so snotty and self-aggrandizing."

Corolla said that panhandling was "humiliating," but it did "offer much more dignity than being paired by management with Danny Bonaduce. That should have been the writing on the wall for me. If only I'd put something in a money market fund. Can any of you guys lend me cabfare home?"

Friday, February 27, 2009

Brady Suffers Groin Injury On Wedding Night; Matt Cassell Steps In

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a groin pull on his wedding night with Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, necessitating his backup, Matt Cassell, to enter his hotel room and complete the honeymoon in his place.

"Matt was standing outside our room with a clipboard," Brady told a hastily assembled Santa Monica, California news conference, "as he has for practically every night of my relationship with Gisele. And when I went down with the groin pull, he was there to step in and take charge."

Brady told reporters that the groin pull "just kind of happened. Gisele and I were warming up, and all of a sudden I felt a sudden sharp pain and that was that."

Brady said he expected to be out of action for "two to three weeks" and that Cassell would "fill in" until then.

"That's why you have a backup," Brady said. "The game must go on."

Obama Says CIA Can't Remember Purpose Of Afghan War

"No one knows why we're there, who we're fighting, or how to tell if we've won," President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "The people at CIA say that all the people who remember why we went to war there have all retired. They think it had something to do with 9/11."

Obama told reporters that "While the CIA can't remember what exactly the war in Afghanistan is all about, they say that it's probably important that we stay and fight. But they don't know who we should be fighting. I think some people with turbans or something."

Obama said that "everybody at CIA is very enthusiastic about the war, even though no one in Afghanistan seems to know anything about 9/11. They don't even know where New York City is on a map.

"So we'll stay and fight until someone remembers why we're fighting. I'm sure there's a very good reason."

Golfer Tim Clark Apologizes For Beating Woods

South African golfer Tim Clark today delivered a tearful apology to an angry, hasily assembled Phoenix news conference for defeating Tiger Woods, 3 and 2, in the ongoing Accenture match play tournament.

"I got so caught up in my round that I forgot to lose," Clark admitted. "[PGA Commissioner Tim] Finchem had visited me in my hotel room prior to the match and reminded me that my job was to lose--maybe to keep it close if I could, but basically to lose. And I forgot."

Clark said that a furious Finchem had berated him in the scoring tent after the round and threatened to revoke his Tour card unless he disqualified himself, penalized himself enough strokes to lose the match, or fail to sign his scorecard, which would be grounds for defeat.

"I was so upset by what Mr. Finchem said," Clark explained, through tears, "that I didn't have the composure to take any of the, um, suggestions he offered. I signed my scorecard, which was accurate, and I guess that was it for Tiger."

Without Woods in the weekend matches, Clark told reporters, "watching the rest of us play golf is like watching paint dry. I'm sure the ratings will go right into the toilet."

Clark said that he was "too distraught" to play any more rounds over the weekend and planned to spend his time "getting drunk as a skunk with John Daly, that is, if I can find him. America, you wanted to spend the weekend watching Tiger. I [messed] up. Forgive me if you can."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Recession Means 15 NBA Teams Will Play Only 4 Players At A Time

NBA Commissioner David Stern today told a hastily assembled New York news conference that 15 teams were having so much financial difficulties that they were only going to be able to field four players at a time.

“Four on five can still be a good game,” Stern told reporters. “It’s like when you’re on the playground and you have an odd number of kids who want to play ball, except it’s the NBA.”

Stern said that in addition to borrowing $175 million to help the teams meet their operating costs, the 15 unspecified teams would reduce expenses further by having only four players on the court at once and reduce rosters to seven players.

“When you have only four players, you have fewer uniforms to wash, fewer socks to purchase, fewer expenses of all kinds,” Stern explained. “In this economy, we have to do everything we can to save money.”

Stern said that when teams starting four players were playing teams starting five players, “We’ll give the team four players an extra three or four points a quarter, to keep things fair.”

Stern said that the NBA would also attempt to save money by “not replacing the net on the basketball hoops, using basketballs longer, and eliminating referees and having players call fouls on themselves, like tennis players do.”

Fans will “get used to four on five, or four on four,” Stern promised. “There’s nothing magical about five on five. If the economy keeps going south, we may reduce rosters further and only play one-on-one.”

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Obama Admits He Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Doing

President Barack Obama today admitted to a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" but that "I expect that somehow things will work out all right."

Obama told reporters he watched footage of Hillary Clinton "hanging out in Asia and for a minute I was envious. She doesn't have to solve the economy, health care, or the war in Iraq. If anything goes wrong, she can just blame me. She's got a much better deal than I have."

Obama also said that Vice President Joe Biden "has a big mouth, but not everything he says is complete nonsense or plagiarism. Who knows if this whole stimulus deal will work? Socialism doesn't exactly have a stellar track record."

The President said he was "saddened" by the continuing collapse of the stock market since he took office. "Can't they control that thing?" he asked reporters. "Does anyone realize what happened to the value of my IRA? I may just have to write another book just to make up for what we've lost."

Obama said that he would announce plans to resolve health care, the War in Iraq, the environment, and the Middle East, "but to be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with any of those topics, either."

Obama Urges Americans To Read Last Year's Business Pages

"If you squint, 2008 and 2009 look a lot alike," President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled White House news conference. "I urge all Americans to stop reading today's newspapers, which are depressing, and instead read the business sections of last year's papers, which are uplifting."

Obama said that stock tables a year ago would remind people of "what it was like to have lots of money, a secure retirement, and a comfortable nest egg." He urged Americans to "invest in the future but live in the past, because it's much more enjoyable."

"Even I don't have job security," Obama reminded reporters. "I could be out of here in less than four years. Granted, I make a larger salary than most Americans and I'll be able to make gazillions doing the speaking trail blazed by my predecessors, especially President Clinton.

"But the average American should take heart in the fact that last year's newspapers, which are available online and at your public library, will make you feel rich again--maybe almost as rich as I'm going to be either four or eight years from today."

Monday, February 23, 2009

Obama Nationalizes MLB, NFL, NBA, and NASCAR

In a surprise move today, President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference that he was nationalizing Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, and NASCAR, in an effort to stimulate the struggling U.S. economy.

"These sports make billions every year," Obama said. "I'd like to see those billions be channeled away from the athletes and team owners, who already have a lot of money, to our struggling auto makers, subprime lenders, and banks. If you've already got the crib and the bling, and the DHFM, you don't need any more money. Working families do."

DHFM stands for Dream House For Mother, according to sources familiar with the matter.

When reporters questioned the constitutionality of nationalizing four major sports leagues, Obama threatened to nationalize the newspapers they work for.

"I would have nationalized the newspapers sooner," Obama admitted, "but they don't have any money left. As long as they don't criticize my Administration, they can remain open for as long as they like."

When asked whether he would nationalize the National Hockey League, the President acknowledged that he was surprised to learn it was still in existence.

"I've been busy," the President admitted.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Roland Burris Wins Best Political Actor Oscar: Some Suspect Fix

Embattled Illinois Senator Roland Burris will win the Oscar for Best Political Actor at tonight's Academy Awards, host Hugh Jackman announced at a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference.

"It's his convincing performance as the innocent politician that put him over the top," Jackman told reporters. "We're letting the world know in advance, because a lot of people will want to see his acceptance speech live."

Jackman said that the Academy members were "deeply impressed" by Burris's ability to convince the voters of Illinois, the media, and the entire U.S. Senate that he wasn't involved in a pay-for-play scheme to raise funds for embattled former Illinois Governor Rod Blagajovich, until he revealed that he was.

"That's drama," Jackman said admiringly. "That's acting. That's show biz. He narrowly edged out Hillary Clinton's fake tears after losing New Hampshire, Sarah Palin's highly admirable impression of an actual politician, and President Obama's assurances that he can save the economy. It was a great category, and we look forward to more political posturing in the coming year."

Friday, February 20, 2009

Raiders Give Asomugha $45M On Condition He Changes His Name To Something People Can Actually Pronounce

The Oakland Raiders today gave starting All Pro cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha a $45 million contract, making him the highest paid player in the NFL, on the condition that he changes his name to “Nate Summers” or “Danny Majors.”

“We love the way he plays,” Raiders owner Al Davis told a hastily assembled Oakland, California news conference. “But the man is a typographical error waiting to happen.”

Davis told reporters, “People will think we can’t spell our own players’ names. So we wanted him to have a more fan-friendly name. We got him and his agent down to Nate Summers or Danny Majors. It’s their call.”

Davis said that he didn’t want people to think he was “insensitive” to different cultures or communities. “My name is Davis,” Davis said. “It’s not something that people in our culture can’t pronounce. For 45 million, I just want someone I can say, ‘Way to go, Nate,’ or Way to go, Danny.’ Is that too much to ask?”

The good thing about his current name, Davis said, is that “the anagram of his name, Nnamdi Asomugha, is ‘A Madman Housing’ and also ‘A Hangman Mimosa.’ And ‘Hand Mom iguanas.’ If he’d change his name to any of those, I’d double the deal.”

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Judge Declares Inadmissible Barry Bonds' Left Buttock

Less than two weeks before the start of home run king Barry Bonds' trial on perjury charges, federal trial judge Judge Susan Illston declared "inadmissible on grounds of hearsay" Bonds' left buttock, which prosecutors had hoped to introduce as evidence before the jury.

"Bonds' left buttock must be ignored by the jury," Judge Illston wrote, in a hastily delivered memorandum of law. "I don't care how pockmarked it might be with needle pricks. His left buttock is not evidence that will be admitted at trial."

The controversial home run king faces charges of perjury for lying to a grand jury about his alleged steroid use during his baseball career.

"Now, his right buttock," Judge Illston added, "that's got 'guilty' written all over it. If you're the prosecutor and you want to bring Bonds' right buttock into court, I'm with you all the way."

The Judge did not elaborate on her rationale for denying the admission into evidence of one buttock but not the other. Legal experts speculate that since the person who injected Bonds was most likely right-handed, needle marks on the left buttock may not be probative.

"If this were China or Cuba," the Judge wrote, "both buttocks would be admitted into court. But in the United States, our legal system has protections in place for certain parts of the body, and the prosecutor has failed to make a case for bringing Bonds' left buttock before the jury.

"But his right buttock cheek?" the Judge asked rhetorically. "Guilty. Guilty as hell, all the way."

A-Rod Promises Yankees He'll Only Juice In Postseason

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez today told a hastily assembled closed-door players only meeting that he would "only juice during the postseason, when my numbers have been really bad."

A-Rod told his teammates at Steinbrenner Field in Tampa that he was "sorry" that he had cycled off steroids during August and September, when testing is most frequent, and that he would now start cycling "after Labor Day, so we can win the Big One."

A-Rod insisted that his cousin, "Agujas," Spanish for "Needles," would continue to inject him with "Whatever he has lying around the house. Horse steroids, botox, anything to make me play better."

The controversial third baseman reportedly told his teammates that thanks to the Players Union, he would "never be tested until maybe December," by which time the Yankees would have been crowned World Champions for the 27th time.

"I love my teammates so much I will take it up the butt from my cousin twice a week forever if it helps us win," Rodriguez reportedly said, and then he quickly qualified his words to mean that he would accept steroid injections and nothing else in that part of his All-Star anatomy.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

New Grisham Novel Reveals Lawyers Are Bad

"If you ever suspected lawyers were bad," bestselling author John Grisham told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, "wait 'til you read my new novel. Then you'll know."

Grisham's latest legal thriller, The Associate, makes clear that lawyers are indeed bad. They charge excessive fees, cheat on their billing records, milk cases for millions of dollars, and are mean to subordinates, Grisham revealed.

"Lawyers are very bad, indeed," Grisham told reporters. "It is my life's work to reveal their badness to the American public, which seems to forget from one novel of mine to the next just how bad lawyers are.

"This badness must be public knowledge," Grisham insisted. "If the American public is not fully aware of just how bad lawyers are, well, I don't know what to say."

Grisham also reveals in his newest book that wealthy people can have bad habits, that college students have sex, and that innocent people can be taken advantage of by bad people, at least for a while.

Burris Resigns From Senate; Appoints Blagojovech To Fill His Seat

Illinois Senator Roland Burris resigned today, appointing former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to fill his seat.

“Governor Blagojevich is the best man for the job,” former Senator Burris told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. “He is experienced and is available immediately for the job. In fact, I swore him in to my former seat at six this morning.”

Former Senator Burris has acknowledged conversations about raising funds for then-Governor Blagojevich as a quid pro quo for appointment to the Senate, although he says he ultimately turned down the request to raise money.

“No cash has been exchanged in this transaction,” former Senator Burris told reporters. “I have to go now. There’s my new Lexus with a widescreen TV in the back seat and some gold bars and season tickets to the Cubs in the trunk. There’s nothing like public service to make a man feel good about himself. I might just run for governor myself some day, if the price is right.”

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dan Patrick Does Entire Radio Show Without Mentioning Sports

Dan Patrick, morning host of a syndicated Fox Sports radio program, surprised some listeners Monday by performing his entire 3-hour broadcast without mentioning professional or college sports even once.

"It's a first in sports broadcasting," Fox Sports spokesman Eric Von Braethard told a hastily assembled New York news conference. "Three hours talking only about yourself? We think it's a record. Of some sort."

Patrick began the show with a discussion of his taste in Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, which lasted almost 45 minutes. He then discussed at length his golf game, including two rounds he completed at Augusta at 40 and 41, which took listeners more than 20 minutes into the second hour of the broadcast.

Patrick then continued to voice his opinions about attractive women broadcasters, whom he referred to as "shorties with headsets", making repeated use of "lingo the kids use," Von Braethard said. "He was keeping it real."

The broadcast then turned to a discussion of people Patrick did not like, in the areas of sports and politics, including a lengthy diatribe against his former employer, ESPN, for unspecified grievances, a topic that took the rest of the second hour and most of the third.

In the final segment, Patrick, who also pens an equally self-referential column for Sports Illustrated, returned to his original topic of his penchant for Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, the kind of beer he likes, his childhood, his ability to dunk over taller broadcasters, and other topics not related to any of the controversies currently swirling around the sports world.

"We saw it as remarkable restraint that he didn't pile on A-Rod," Von Braethard told reporters. "We also saw it as a sign of dignity that he didn't make jokes about Lance Armstrong's stolen time trial bicycle, the inability of the Dodgers to lure Manny Ramirez for untold millions, or any of the other timely sports-related stories that are being discussed diligently on other sports talk shows."

The poll question, regarding whether Patrick should continue his ongoing obsession with married SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker, received "well over 87 responses," Von Braethard said.

Patrick ended his show Monday by berating his sycophantic, anonymous cohosts for not being sycophantic enough and for spilling some of Patrick's beer on Patrick's perfectly tailored $4,000 suit, which Patrick said was selected for him by "none other than Brooklyn Decker herself."

Monday, February 16, 2009

LeBron Voted "Dullest Superstar Ever" By Fellow NBA Athletes, Reporters, Fans

NBA forward LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers was voted "Dullest Superstar Ever" by a special committee of NBA athletes, reporters and fans, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced at a hastily assembled Phoenix, Arizona news conference.

James received the DSE award for his lackluster personality, unmemorable TV commercials, lack of drama or even interest in his personal life, and workmanlike but uninspiring world-class level of play, at a special half-time ceremony at the NBA All-Star Game Sunday night.

"I would like to thank the fans for acknowledging that I am the dullest superstar ever," James told the crowd at the nationally televised game, although most of the crowd missed the speech, since they were standing in line for beer and popcorn at the concession stands ringing the arena.

A special tribute to James's life, posted on YouTube and featuring no championship rings, no TV ads that had entered the public consciousness, and no intriguing nicknames, girlfriends, or altercations outside bars or strip clubs, had attracted 11viewers, most of them from James' family, as of last night.

"I can't think of a better choice for this award," Commissioner Stern told reporters. "In fact, I can't think of a single thing that stands out about James, aside from the fact that he plays basketball well. So do a lot of guys. Why am I here?"

Burris Admits He Bought Illinois Senate Seat On eBay

Illinois Sen. Roland Burriss today admitted to Senate investigators that he bought his seat on eBay, after a tip from an aide to former Illinois Governor Rod Blagoyavitch that the seat would be listed on the online auction website.

"I used the Buy It Now function," Burriss told investigators at a hastily assembled Senate investigation. "I paid $11,535 for the seat. It's mine and you can't take it away from me. On eBay, a contract is a contract."

Burriss said that a Blago aide had telephoned him late on a Saturday night that the seat "would become available, in a discreet listing on eBay Motors, around 2 a.m. Sunday morning, when most other Senatorial contenders were sleeping.

"He said that if I bought the seat on eBay, it would be mine, period, end of story," Burriss said.

"If we don't have faith and trust in eBay," Burriss added, "how are we to trust any aspect of the U.S. economy? The governor has every right to dispose of the seat as he sees fit. And he saw fit to dispose it to me."

The Senate seat was actually listed as an "accessory" to Gov. Blagoyovitch's 1997 Volvo Station Wagon, which was listed on the auction website as having 135,000 miles, new tires, a new alternator and a new battery.

"I suppose anyone who bought the car would have been the Senator," Burriss mused. "But I've got both the Volvo and the position in the Senate."

Burriss said that when Gov. Blagoyovitch brought him the pink slip for the car, Burriss tipped him "a hundred fifty thousand in cash. I mean, a tip for dropping off the car was in order. It was a few miles out of the Governor's way, and it did take place at three in the morning."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Saudis Name First Woman Minister; Promptly Stone Her To Death

Saudi Arabia took a major step forward for women's rights by today naming the first-ever woman minister in the kingdom and then took a major step forward for stoners' rights by allowing her to be stoned to death on her first day on the job.

"We must walk a line between moderates and hard-liners," Abdul Al-Aziz, a spokesman for the Saudi government, told a hastily assembled Riyadh news conference. "By choosing a woman minister, we appeal to the moderates. By having her stoned to death, we appeal to the hard-liners. We think we satisfied both constituencies today."

The name of the female minister, who was to have been in charge of education, has been withheld pending notification of her family by the proper authorities.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Biden: “I’ll Stick To Plagiarizing From Now On”

Vice President Joe Biden, called to task for his comment that the Obama administration’s economic recovery program has a 30% chance of failure, has promised “to return to plagiarizing other people’s speeches from now on.”

“Every time I open my mouth with an original thought,” Biden told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference, “all I do is change feet. So from now on, I will resume my prior practice of plagiarizing speeches from leaders around the globe.”

Biden got into trouble in the 1988 Presidential campaign when a Michael Dukakis operative revealed that Biden had plagiarized from a speech by British politician Neil Kinnock.

When a reporter asked whether Biden got into “hot water” with President Obama for his off-the-cuff remarks, Biden said, “In the words of the great French leader Francois Mitterand, ‘Non comment.”

Monday, February 9, 2009

A-Rod Tests Negative For Personality Enhancement

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez shows no sign of personality enhancement, according to a Harvard-educated team of psychologists, behavior experts, and media trainers.

“What you see is what you get,” Timothy Rashburn, a Harvard Professor Of Sports Psychology, told a hastily assembled Cambridge, Massachusetts news conference. “After extensive interviews and research, we could find no evidence whatsoever of personality enhancement. He is what he claims to be—a baseball player with a lot of money.”

Rashburn told reporters that the Major League Baseball Players Association had brought his team to spend a week interviewing and examining Rodriguez, in order to refute rumors that he might have engaged in some sort of personality enhancement prior to the 2003 season.

“He was the same guy in 2002 that he was in 2003 or 2009 for that matter,” Rashburn said. “I’m sure he’s a terrific person, other than leaving his wife for an aging rock star and an inability to perform clutch hitting in the postseason. But as for personality enhancement in any way, shape, or form, we couldn’t detect it.”

Rodriguez may be asked to testify before Congress as to whether his personality was enhanced in order to justify a record baseball contract of $250 million.

“He’s in the clear,” Rashburn said. “I don’t mean he used ‘The Clear.’ I mean, you can search the man for any evidence of personality, and he’ll always test negative. You can take that to the bank.”

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Caroline Kennedy Ended Senate Bid Due To Salvadoran Housekeeper Chained In Attic

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for the U.S. Senate seat from New York vacated by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton when it became known that she had a Salvardoran cleaning woman chained to the attic of her East Side townhouse.

"I am current on all of my nanny taxes," Kennedy told reporters at a hastily arranged Manhattan news conference, "but it is true that I do keep Esmerelda chained to a post near her bed, where she can do the laundry and cooking but she can't get out of the house."

Kennedy explained that "In New York it's hard to find or keep good help. Esmerelda is happy to have the job and never complains about the fact that she hasn't seen daylight since 1986. She loves our whole family."

Kennedy said that she had kept "current with all taxes on Esmerelda, in case I ever pursued a political career. She's a legal immigrant and we take out for Social Security and everything else. I never realized that voters might be offended by the fact that she's chained up in our attic. I mean, a lot of people in Manhattan do this. Why people are singling me out, I don't know. I never knew that politics was know. So hardball."

Esmerelda could not be reached for comment.

Obama Puts Unemployed Contractors To Work Dismantling Foreclosed Shopping Centers, Big Box Stores

President Obama today signed Presidential Order 82351, creating a jobs program for building contractors who have lost their jobs due to the collapse of the housing market. The contractors will be paid to tear down what the President turned foreclosed shopping malls, big box stores, and other examples of “the overbuilding of America.”

“There are just way too many stores, shopping malls, big box stores, and other commercial real estate projects destroying the landscape,” President Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference. “And at the same time, we have millions of unemployed contractors, electricians, carpenters, and other workers.

“So by this Executive Order,” Obama said, “I have created 2.3 million government jobs for those people to tear down the unnecessary stores, malls, and other blights on the landscape, and restore those locations to their original pristine nature, or just empty lots, or whatever they were before they were built on.”

Obama said that the program, which would cost “approximately half a billion dollars,” was a “down payment” on the “re-greening of America. Our nation has too many stores, not enough shoppers, and too many builders out of work. So let’s tear these stores down and create some new green spaces and parks.

“Can we tear down all these stores in a somewhat socialistic yet environmentally acceptable fashion?” the President asked rhetorically. “Yes, we can.”

Oprah Admits She Weighs 400 Lbs; Changing Name To “Opera”

“It’s the economy, stupid,” Oprah Winfrey today told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference when asked about her rapid weight gain over the past six months. “The more my net worth drops, the more my net weight increases. The stock market is making me crazy.”

Winfrey said that she, like many investors, had been “badly hit” by the plummeting Dow-Jones Industrial Average during Fall, 2008.

“I had my money in Apple and Google,” she told reporters. “But lately it’s all going into M&Ms.”

Since Winfrey had developed the girth of a soprano at the Lyric or the Met,” she said, “I might as well change my name. So from now, just call me Opera. Um, you in the front row, eating the Snickers bar…you gonna finish that?”

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Heroic US Air Pilot Charged With Cruelty To Animals

Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, the heroic captain of doomed USAir flight 1549, which he landed safely in the Hudson River, was charged today with mistreatment of animals after FAA and Audubon Society officials determined that his jet sucked six bald eagles and a protected species of cormorant into its engines after takeoff from LaGuardia Airport.

“You can’t kill birds and get away with it, not in this town,” said Assistant U.S. Attorney Ed Bamberger told a hastily assembled Lower Manhattan news conference.

The penalty for killing bald eagles and protected cormorants, Bamberger said, is up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $125,000.

“He may be a hero to some,” Bamberger told reporters, “but to us he’s just another bird killer. And we’re going to throw the book at him.”

In a related story, US Air announced it would provide 6 SkyMiles to each passenger, since that was the actual distance the jet flew from La Guardia Airport to its landing in the Hudson off Lower Manhattan.

Michael Phelps: “I Thought I Was Taking HGH”

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that when he posed for a photo while taking drugs, he thought the drug he was taking was human growth hormone.

“I would never take marijuana,” he told reporters. “That would set a bad example to young people. But HGH is really cool, and I couldn’t have set these records in the Olympics without it.”

Phelps said that “making a youthful error like smoking pot in front of a camera is something I would never do. On the other hand, I need to tell everyone that they can swim faster or compete better in any sport with HGH. I thought that’s what I was inhaling at that party.

“It turns out that you can’t inhale HGH,” Phelps said. “That was my youthful mistake. So I urge the youth of America, if they want to swim like me, to know what they’re snorting or inhaling, if they want to get bigger, faster, or stronger. And whatever they do, don’t take anything when someone’s taking pictures.”

Clintons Voluntarily Cap Ex-Presidential Speaking Income At $65 Million A Year

“We’ll have to cut some corners in our family budget,” former U.S. President Bill Clinton told a hastily assembled Taipei news conference. “But Hillary and I have decided to limit the amount of income we will earn each year from speaking engagements with governments whose interests are often hostile to our own at $65 million.”

Clinton’s action took place one day after President Barack Obama capped banking executives’ salaries at $500,000 if their banks were receiving bailout money.

“In this economy,” Clinton told reporters, “we’ve all got to tighten our belts. If the bankers can get by on 500K, then Hillary and I will have to make do somehow with the $65 million.

“To paraphrase our wonderful new President, can we find the personal courage to turn down tens of additional millions of dollars in speaking fees from shady governments and foreign business people seeking to buy influence by paying us millions just to show up for an hour, make a speech, and do some ‘grip and grins’? Yes, we can!”

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Success Of “Bikini Girl” On American Idol Prompts Depression, Soul Searching

The advancing of Katrina "Bikini Girl "Darrell on American Idol has prompted a national orgy of soul searching, self-examination, and meditation unlike practically anything in American history, according to experts.

“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Challenger disaster, or maybe even the assassination of JFK,” Furman Jobright, chair of the National Organization of Therapists and Spiritual Advisors today told a hastily assembled Omaha, Nebraska news conference.

“People are shaken up,” Jobright said. “How could a woman in heels and a bikini, who can’t even sing that well, shake up the legitimate talent search processes of American Idol? It’s like telling children that there’s no such thing as the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.”

Jobright told reporters that Americans have been turning to therapy, meditation, and “in certain cases, narcotics” in an effort to cope with the loss of meaning that Darrell’s early success on the program has triggered.

“I don’t even think the collapse of the economy has people as upset, and turning as inward, as this unfortunate situation,” Jobright said. “We’ve been instructing our therapists on what parents can tell children, and what we adults can tell ourselves. I’m sure some good will come of this, and we’ll be a stronger nation because we’ll have fought through the disillusionment that the Bikini Girl has caused.”

Manny Ramirez Turns Down New Dodgers Offer Of $375 Million For One Game

“It’s an insult,” agent Scott Boras today told a hastily assembled Chavez Ravine news conference. “I won’t stand for an offer that does not properly value my client’s services. Manny Ramirez is one of the greatest players of the era. I’m still waiting for the Dodgers to get serious about him.”

Boras told reporters that the Dodgers had to “get their act together” and “negotiate in good faith” if they wanted to see “dreadlocks in pinstripes” when Spring Training started.

A spokesman for the Dodgers, asked whether he thought that Boras was expecting too much for a player of Ramirez’s caliber, offered a terse “no comment.”

Obama Restores All Homes To 2004 Values

President Obama today signed Presidential Order 15207, restoring all single-family homes to their 2004 values.

“With one stroke of a pen,” the President told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference, “I have solved the housing crisis by mandating that all houses are worth today what they were worth five years ago. I’d like to congratulate myself on this bold effort and I look forward to solving health care by declaring that all Americans feel terrific.”

Kurt Warner Loses Super Bowl, Faith In God

“I can’t believe He did this to me,” losing Super Bowl quarterback Kurt Warner told a hastily assembled Phoenix, Arizona news conference. “I mean, I can understand the Holocaust, illness and disease, and suicide bombers in the Middle East and everything. But how could he let me lose in the last 35 seconds? I mean, that could cost me the Hall of Fame. I’m done with God, church, everything. Thank you.”

Monday, January 12, 2009

Hamas, Down To 6 Fighters, 3 Rockets And A Dog, Declares Victory Over Israel

The militant group Hamas, after having suffered losses so severe that only six of its fighters and one dog have survived, today declared victory in its war with Israel in the Gaza Strip.

"Yes, they killed thousands of us," a masked, unnamed Hamas spokesman told a hastily assembled Gaza City news conference. "They have destroyed our infrastructure, taken away electricity from our populace, blown up all our smuggling tunnels, and killed our leadership.

"But we won anyway."

Hamas's victory, celebrated by "an admittedly small group of six soldiers and a dog," according to the spokesman, "came at a very high price for Israel. When the time is right, we will fire our last three rockets at Sderot, and then we'll have to dig a new tunnel to Egypt so we can get some more."

The spokesman suggested that even though Israel "had not and never would admit defeat, everybody knows the truth. We aren't just a fighting force--we're an idea. And you can't blow up ideas."

The unnamed spokesman attributed Hamas's victory to its willingness to "stand up for what we believe in, which I would repeat for you now, but I can't because I have such a headache from the bombardment. The main thing is that we won."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

In Reverse, Chinese Sending Low-Wage Jobs Back To U.S.

“Our standard of living has gotten so high that we can’t pay competitive wages for many jobs,” Lin Biau, Chairman of the Chinese Workers Union today told a hastily arranged Beijing news conference. “So we are sending these jobs back to the United States.”

The new policy represents a reversal of years of American jobs headed to low-wage workers in China. As China has become wealthier, it has been increasingly difficult to find employees willing to take low-wage jobs.

“We hear there are a lot of people in Michigan who don’t have jobs,” Mr. Lin told reporters. “Perhaps they will be able to take over the manufacturing jobs that our people will no longer accept.”

Chinese workers in coastal zones are now enjoying high-paying jobs, living in attractive condos, and driving luxury cars. Just a few years ago, they were earning less than a dollar a day “and grateful for those jobs,” Mr. Lin said.

“We look at the United States as a place where there are enough workers willing to take on low-income jobs that our factories can succeed in places like Ohio and Illinois,” Mr. Lin said. “We see America as where China was 10 years ago—filled with underemployed workers who would be grateful for any job.”

Mr. Lin said that while Chinese factory owners were exploring opening up branches in American cities with high levels of unemployment, it was unlikely that China would import any of the goods made in those factories.

“’Made in America’ is unfortunately an international symbol of poor quality,” Mr. Lin said regretfully. “You know how it is. You buy something from America and it falls apart right out of the box. We may export jobs to the United States, but until quality improves, the stuff we have made over there will stay over there.

“Americans first have to learn how to work again,” Mr. Lin said diplomatically. “I’m sure quality will come later.”

Monday, January 5, 2009

Countering Unemployment, Obama To Expand White House Cabinet To 15 Million

In a surprising move to counter unemployment, President-elect Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that he was increasing the size of the Presidential cabinet to 15 million.

"Everybody has expertise in something," Obama told reporters. "Why should we have just 15 people who know about, say, foreign policy or health care? Why not have every unemployed American enjoy a Cabinet-level position in the federal government?"

Obama said that he was modeling his increased Cabinet on a combination of two initiatives of former President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"FDR was famous for the alphabet soup agencies that got millions of unemployed Americans working again," Obama said. "The CCC, the WPA, and, of course, the military. And then he also had his famous Court-packing scheme, where he tried to add a bunch of new Justices to the Supreme Court.

"I say, let's combine the two plans and invite all unemployed Americans to join the Cabinet as Secretaries of whatever floats their boat. We'll have a Secretary of Soldering Corner Panels Onto Camaros, a Secretary of Realtors, a Secretary of TV Sitcom Writers--up to 15 million Secretaries.

"This way, we'll have access to their knowledge base about their former professions, and we'll be able to pay them Cabinet-level salaries and health care benefits. I think it's a win-win for the nation."

When reporters asked how 15 million unemployed Americans would be able to achieve confirmation in the U.S. Senate in a timely fashion, in keeping with the requirements of the U.S. Constitution, the President-elect offered a terse "No comment."

In Shift, God To Review Lives Based Solely On Internet Search Histories

God today told a hastily assembled Mountain View, California news conference that the weighing of souls after death would no longer be based on actions but instead would be based solely on an individual's web search history.

"I now believe that the process of determining a soul's final resting place can be expedited to a period under a quarter of a second," God told reporters at Google's Mountain View headquarters. "What you search for on the web is pretty much a snapshot of how you live your life."

Until recently, God said, judging souls took "decades, or even centuries," because every aspect of a person's life had to be scrutinized for details.

"No longer," God said. "You take a quick look at a person's search history, and there it all is. What did they visit? Neo-Nazi sites? Porn sites? Did they spend all their time and money on eBay, working up a rating of thousands of purchases? People with search histories like that are highly unlikely to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

God warned against people hiring web optimization firms to create "bogus web histories with visits to the United Way, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and other sites that are all about doing good works. From our perspective, and with the assistance of Google, we can tell even more quickly than Santa who's been naughty and who's been nice.

"So my advice to those who would wish to find a room in the mansion that is their Father's house is think twice before you click twice. What you search for will end up on your permanent record, and Google will have a copy in Our hands before the Devil knows you're gone."

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Report: Iraq Running Out Of Civilians

According to a report on the Saudi Arabian website, Iraq is rapidly running out of civilians, due to suicide bombings, emigration, and the fact that the Iraqi Army and police departments are practically the only remaining employers.

“Our population is exploding, but not in a good way,” Iraqi government spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh told a hastily assembled Baghdad news conference. “At the rate the population is blowing up, we should be down to less than 50,000 civilians before the end of 2009.”

Despite claims of success by American armed forces leaders in reducing violence, increasing numbers of Iraqis are dying in suicide attacks and sectarian fighting.

“If you aren’t blowing up yourself or other people, or getting blown up,” al-Dabbagh told reporters, “you’re probably joining the Iraqi police force. Not that that’s any safer, but at least you get a badge and a gun.

“We used to have many employers, and many Iraqis are self-employed,” al-Dabbagh added. “But today there are no more companies, and no one has any money to buy anything, except for the people who work for Blackwater and Halliburton. And they aren’t even Iraqis. So it’s the police force, the border, or your own funeral.”

Al-Dabbagh said that Iraq had begun a public relations campaign to invite foreign nationals to emigrate, but so far, the campaign was mostly unsuccessful.

“Our slogan is ‘Iraq—There’s More Room Than Ever,’” al-Dabbagh said. “So far, though, the only people who are coming in large numbers are Iranians. They seem to like it here. And once we run out of Iraqis, it’ll be their country. The last Iraqi to leave could turn out the light, except for the fact that we have no power 22 hours a day.

“Suddenly Sadaam Hussein doesn’t seem like that bad a guy. He killed civilians, to be sure, but not as quickly. We would never have run out under him.”