Fear Of Copycat Athlete Killings Has Sportsmen Sleeping Alone

In the wake of the murders of football great Steve McNair and boxer Arturo Gotti, many of the world's greatest athletes have decided to sleep alone for the foreseeable future, according to a new study.

John Halliday, President of the American Society For The Preservation Of Captivating Athletes, told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference today that more and more athletes are "looking at their wives, mistresses, and camp followers in a colder, more clinical light" since the McNair and Gotti killings.

"We can't blame the athletes for wanting to protect themselves from what may be a spate of copycat athlete murders," Hailiday told reporters. "It used to be that safe sex required only a condom. Now it requires installing a metal detector in your master bedroom or your secret love nest."

Among the athletes who are now abandoning their girlfriends and wives are soccer star David Beckham, cyclist Lance Armstrong, and the entire roster of the Montreal Canadiens.

"We're hoping that the girlfriends and wives will realize that a simple 'Dear John' letter is all they need in order to end a relationship," Halliday said. "Or even a text message saying, 'It's over.' Boxers always have said that sex is bad for their legs. Now it turns out it may be bad for their whole bodies, including the major arteries and veins running to and from the heart."