"We want your old phones," Air Force General Patrick Kirkpatrick today told a hastily assembled Pentagon news conference. "Also your old toner cartridgers, laptops, and any other heavy metal objects you don't need anymore, like toasters or TVs."
General Kirkpatrick told reporters that such objects had been donated in the past to be given to men and women in uniform, "but it turns out that the objects make really great projectiles when dropped on the enemy from a great height."
The General told reporters that the discovery of weaponized former PDAs, cell phones, and other household items and appliances was made when a staff sergeant accidentally left his iPhone on an unmanned drone shortly before takeoff in Northeastern Pakistan.
"The iPhone scored a direct hit on a militant," General Kirkpatrick told reporters. "Took him out in nothing flat. So we thought, let's drop all kinds of undesired technological gear from jets. It's cheaper than real ordnance, and surprisingly effective."
General Kirkpatrick said that citizens could leave unwanted metal objects at any military base or post office across the United States.
"No religious fervor is a match for a well-aimed if technologically outdated Blackberry," Kirkpatrick told reporters. "As Ralph Kramden would have said, 'Pow, Alice! Right in the kisser!'"
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