Gates Thinks We'll Win Afghan War, Sees Dow At 30,000, Men On Mars

Secretary of State Robert Gates today issued an upbeat assessment of America's chances of prevailing in the war in Afghanistan, telling a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that "anybody who doesn't think we'll win is a spoilsport and totally uncool."

Gates also said he expects the Dow to soar to 30,000 by year-end, that men will land on Mars by April, that the I.R.S. will be abolished because once we win the war in Afghanistan we can finance the federal government on opium sales, and that the New York Mets will defeat the Kansas City Royals in four games in this October's World Series.

Gates, wearing dark glasses and speaking very slowly, told reporters that "everything is really fantastic" and that he was speaking for the President when he said that he was "really hungry" and wanted to know if "anybody here has any chocolate chip cookies."

The Secretary of Defense also told reporters that the Afghan people were "really cool, really trippy" and that he "dug their far-out flowing robes."

He concluded the press conference by extending the peace sign to reporters and informing them that "not only is Afghanistan winnable, but we'll stop off on the way home and kick the s--- out of Vietnam for good measure."

The White House was not available for comment because all West Wing employees were in the newly constructed meth lab located in the Rose Garden.