Ford CEO Alan Mulally, driving a 2009 Ford Explorer Hybrid, broke down on I-76 just east of the Ohio state line and demanded $600 million from the AAA tow truck driver assisting his vehicle.
“The least the Auto Club can do is give me $600 million to complete my trip,” Mullaly told a hastily assembled Youngstown, Ohio news conference. “Where would the Triple-A be without Ford? They’d have a lot fewer cars to tow and repair. That’s where they’d be.”
The AAA driver, whose name was Ed, reportedly told Mr. Mullaly that he “didn’t have that kind of money on him” and “would have to call people back at the station.”
Mullaly said that he “wasn’t looking for a bailout, but instead, just a loan of $600 million” to “tide him over” until he got back to corporate offices in Detroit.
“We can be profitable again if we just start making cars people like,” Mullaly said. “I mean, that could happen. At least in theory.”
Ed, the AAA driver, said that Mullaly requested at least $50 of the $600 million in one-dollar-bills, “so he could pay his executives their new salaries and also tip the topless shoeshine girls at the rest stops on the Interstate between here and Michigan,” according to reports.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
New Congressional District 600 Miles Long, 60 Feet Wide
A newly drawn California Congressional district is 600 miles long and 60 feet wide, according to Democratic National Committee spokesperson Heidi Farranger, who addressed a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.
“The district snakes 600 miles from the San Diego border to just south of Fresno,” Farranger said. “It picks out every Democratic-leaning household and skips over Republican-leaning households, so we can be pretty sure the new Congressperson from this new district will be Democratic.”
The newly drawn Congressional district, the longest in the United States, was created with special mapping tools that analyzed election data going back 20 years, Farranger said.
“The Republicans have done the same thing for years,” she argued, “so it’s only fair that we get to draw up safe seats for our own candidates. And there’s something kind of artistic about the district, the way it loops and swirls, avoiding almost all of Orange County on its way to finding more Democratic homes in the Inland Empire.”
Reporters pointed out that because so many Congressional districts were drawn up to create safe seats for Congresspeople, there was less turnover in the U.S. Congress than there had been in the Soviet Kremlin.
“Well, if people don’t like it,” Farranger said, “they can always write their Congressperson. Assuming they can figure out who exactly their Congressperson is. Ha, ha, ha.”
“The district snakes 600 miles from the San Diego border to just south of Fresno,” Farranger said. “It picks out every Democratic-leaning household and skips over Republican-leaning households, so we can be pretty sure the new Congressperson from this new district will be Democratic.”
The newly drawn Congressional district, the longest in the United States, was created with special mapping tools that analyzed election data going back 20 years, Farranger said.
“The Republicans have done the same thing for years,” she argued, “so it’s only fair that we get to draw up safe seats for our own candidates. And there’s something kind of artistic about the district, the way it loops and swirls, avoiding almost all of Orange County on its way to finding more Democratic homes in the Inland Empire.”
Reporters pointed out that because so many Congressional districts were drawn up to create safe seats for Congresspeople, there was less turnover in the U.S. Congress than there had been in the Soviet Kremlin.
“Well, if people don’t like it,” Farranger said, “they can always write their Congressperson. Assuming they can figure out who exactly their Congressperson is. Ha, ha, ha.”
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Roman Polanski Seeks Dismissal Of 30-Year Old Charge Of Unlawful Sex With Minor On Grounds That “She’s 43 By Now”
Attorneys for famed film director Roman Polanski today filed papers in U.S. District Court seeking the dismissal of 30-year-old charges of unlawful sex with a minor on the grounds that the woman in question “is 43 by now.”
Pierre LeSourd told a hastily assembled Paris news conference that Polanski has “suffered enough” and that he had more than made up for his crime by “helping generations of young Parisian girls with their homework” and “hiring dozens of babysitters, even though he has no young children” in an effort to bolster the financial situations of young teenage Parisian girls.
“In any event,” LeSourd told reporters, “the girl is no longer a girl. She is a 43-year-old woman, and there is no law in America or France against having relations with a woman that age. In fact, in France, it is considered doing the woman a favor. We say, it’s time for the United States to drop the case.”
Polanski, who pleaded guilty to the charge in 1978, now claims prosecutorial misconduct in his case, LeSourd told reporters.
“They told him if he didn’t plead guilty, he would have to stand trial,” LeSourd said. “I mean, how stressful is that? America, I can’t exactly say that my client is remorseful. But all I can say is, let him come home.”
Pierre LeSourd told a hastily assembled Paris news conference that Polanski has “suffered enough” and that he had more than made up for his crime by “helping generations of young Parisian girls with their homework” and “hiring dozens of babysitters, even though he has no young children” in an effort to bolster the financial situations of young teenage Parisian girls.
“In any event,” LeSourd told reporters, “the girl is no longer a girl. She is a 43-year-old woman, and there is no law in America or France against having relations with a woman that age. In fact, in France, it is considered doing the woman a favor. We say, it’s time for the United States to drop the case.”
Polanski, who pleaded guilty to the charge in 1978, now claims prosecutorial misconduct in his case, LeSourd told reporters.
“They told him if he didn’t plead guilty, he would have to stand trial,” LeSourd said. “I mean, how stressful is that? America, I can’t exactly say that my client is remorseful. But all I can say is, let him come home.”
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Small Print On Cheaper Space Flight: It's Only One Way
Investigators seeking to determine the legitimacy of SpaceCraft, Inc.'s new offer to fly individuals into suborbital space for just $22,500, one eighth the price of Virgin Galactic's fee, told a hastily assembled Riverside, California news conference that the $22,500 space trip "is only one-way."
"You can get up to space for $22,500, no problem," Dick Rangel told reporters. "But good luck trying to get back."
SpaceCraft, Inc. is one of many small companies seeking to make money sending passengers into space.
"The company seems to be modeled on JetBlue," Rangel said. "No frills flying, a few snacks while in air, your own TV set at your seat with live cable, but the tickets are all one-way."
Rangel said that he was "uncertain" about what happened to SpaceCraft, Inc. passengers once they reached low-level geosynchronous orbit, but he "wasn't sure what had happened to their first two dozen passengers."
Rangel told reporters that the lack of a "frequent flyer" or loyalty program was also a tip-off that something was amiss.
"Their business model kind of contradicts both gravity and what Werner von Braun said almost half a century ago," Rangel said, "that what goes up must come down. We're hoping that the company can explain what happened to all of its past passengers.
"But I guess at under 25K to get into space, even one-way fares might have been too good a deal for people to pas up."
"You can get up to space for $22,500, no problem," Dick Rangel told reporters. "But good luck trying to get back."
SpaceCraft, Inc. is one of many small companies seeking to make money sending passengers into space.
"The company seems to be modeled on JetBlue," Rangel said. "No frills flying, a few snacks while in air, your own TV set at your seat with live cable, but the tickets are all one-way."
Rangel said that he was "uncertain" about what happened to SpaceCraft, Inc. passengers once they reached low-level geosynchronous orbit, but he "wasn't sure what had happened to their first two dozen passengers."
Rangel told reporters that the lack of a "frequent flyer" or loyalty program was also a tip-off that something was amiss.
"Their business model kind of contradicts both gravity and what Werner von Braun said almost half a century ago," Rangel said, "that what goes up must come down. We're hoping that the company can explain what happened to all of its past passengers.
"But I guess at under 25K to get into space, even one-way fares might have been too good a deal for people to pas up."
3 Auto Salesmen Seek Federal Bailout
Three auto salesmen from three different domestic automobile dealerships at the Tustin Auto Center in Tustin, California today appeared before Congress to seek bailouts, due to the collapse of the market for new and used domestic automobiles.
"I guess I'll be going back to prison because aside from selling Chevrolets I have no other marketable skills," Ron Hausner, 37, of Chino, California told a hastily assembled Senate Subcommittee on Domestic Cars And Other Stuff.
"I haven't sold a Ford in seven weeks," Fred Blippinger, 43, told Congress. "I'm behind on alimony to all three of my ex-wives and I'm down to 117 pounds."
"A lot of folks are surprised to discover Chrysler still makes cars," Tom Schupnaker, 52, told Congress. "My response is, until they sell a few, maybe Chrysler ought to slow down a tad."
Hausner, Blippinger, and Schupnaker all have accepted reduced salaries "until things turn around," Blippinger said. He told Congress he now works for cigarettes "and the right to sleep in a Ford Explorer that's been sitting on the lot since Spring."
Hausner now earns $1.17 an hour, he said, due to an exemption for car dealers in the California minimum wage.
"If I go back to Pelican Bay, it won't be that big a pay cut," Hausner told Congress. "Plus I get three meals and a bed."
Schupnaker told Congress that he, like the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler, and GM, would "forswear using private jets until our stock price regains its 2006 levels, as long as I can get enough money to take the Greyhound back to Orange County."
"I guess I'll be going back to prison because aside from selling Chevrolets I have no other marketable skills," Ron Hausner, 37, of Chino, California told a hastily assembled Senate Subcommittee on Domestic Cars And Other Stuff.
"I haven't sold a Ford in seven weeks," Fred Blippinger, 43, told Congress. "I'm behind on alimony to all three of my ex-wives and I'm down to 117 pounds."
"A lot of folks are surprised to discover Chrysler still makes cars," Tom Schupnaker, 52, told Congress. "My response is, until they sell a few, maybe Chrysler ought to slow down a tad."
Hausner, Blippinger, and Schupnaker all have accepted reduced salaries "until things turn around," Blippinger said. He told Congress he now works for cigarettes "and the right to sleep in a Ford Explorer that's been sitting on the lot since Spring."
Hausner now earns $1.17 an hour, he said, due to an exemption for car dealers in the California minimum wage.
"If I go back to Pelican Bay, it won't be that big a pay cut," Hausner told Congress. "Plus I get three meals and a bed."
Schupnaker told Congress that he, like the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler, and GM, would "forswear using private jets until our stock price regains its 2006 levels, as long as I can get enough money to take the Greyhound back to Orange County."
Monday, December 1, 2008
All 36 Astronauts Quit NASA After Learning That Water On Space Shuttle Is Actually Recycled Urine
“At least the Apollo astronauts got Tang,” Astronaut Neil “Buzz” Fingerhut told a hastily assembled Cocoa Beach, Florida news conference. “They told us we were getting Fiji water. Recycled urine? We’re quitting NASA, effective immediately.”
Recent reports about life on the International Space Station revealed that astronauts on-board create drinking water out of recycled urine, a fact previously withheld from the astronaut corps.
“We don’t mind G-forces, months without seeing our loved ones, or being woken up by cheesy musical selections from the 70s handpicked by engineering geeks at Mission Control,” Fingerhut told reporters. “But drinking urine? That just crosses some kind of line.”
Reporters pointed out the difficulties NASA faced in sending adequate supplies of pure, fresh drinking water into space, especially for the six-month long stints astronauts fulfilled on the Space Station.
“Not our problem,” Fingerhut told reporters. “If they can put a man on the Moon, surely they can get a few packs of Arrowhead into geosynchronous Earth orbit.”
“It’s bad enough that there’s no point whatsoever to the Space Station,” Fingerhut said. “Let’s tell the truth. No one on Earth, in NASA, in the media, or among the public, knows what the International Space Station is for. We astronauts know that the whole thing is a public relations thing, a government makework project that provides full employment for engineers.
“It’s a boondoggle only slightly more useful as an investment than the War in Iraq,” Fingerhut admitted. “And we astronauts all went along with the program, because it’s not like you can get a job as an astronaut down at Wal-Mart.”
Fingerhut said that “the entire astronaut corps” was quitting NASA over the issue of the agency’s “dishonesty over the water thing,” because it demonstrated a “lack of good faith” on the part of administrators.
“If they’re giving us recycled urine in Fiji Water bottles,” Fingerhut reasoned, “can we believe anything they tell us? Are we really in space at all? Or are we just in some big simulator somewhere? Did we ever really land on the moon, or is it just made of green cheese? Can anyone tell us? Anyone?”
Recent reports about life on the International Space Station revealed that astronauts on-board create drinking water out of recycled urine, a fact previously withheld from the astronaut corps.
“We don’t mind G-forces, months without seeing our loved ones, or being woken up by cheesy musical selections from the 70s handpicked by engineering geeks at Mission Control,” Fingerhut told reporters. “But drinking urine? That just crosses some kind of line.”
Reporters pointed out the difficulties NASA faced in sending adequate supplies of pure, fresh drinking water into space, especially for the six-month long stints astronauts fulfilled on the Space Station.
“Not our problem,” Fingerhut told reporters. “If they can put a man on the Moon, surely they can get a few packs of Arrowhead into geosynchronous Earth orbit.”
“It’s bad enough that there’s no point whatsoever to the Space Station,” Fingerhut said. “Let’s tell the truth. No one on Earth, in NASA, in the media, or among the public, knows what the International Space Station is for. We astronauts know that the whole thing is a public relations thing, a government makework project that provides full employment for engineers.
“It’s a boondoggle only slightly more useful as an investment than the War in Iraq,” Fingerhut admitted. “And we astronauts all went along with the program, because it’s not like you can get a job as an astronaut down at Wal-Mart.”
Fingerhut said that “the entire astronaut corps” was quitting NASA over the issue of the agency’s “dishonesty over the water thing,” because it demonstrated a “lack of good faith” on the part of administrators.
“If they’re giving us recycled urine in Fiji Water bottles,” Fingerhut reasoned, “can we believe anything they tell us? Are we really in space at all? Or are we just in some big simulator somewhere? Did we ever really land on the moon, or is it just made of green cheese? Can anyone tell us? Anyone?”
Plaxico Burress: “I Thought A Terrorist Was Crawling Up My Pants Leg”
“Terrorists are sneaky,” New York Giants star running back Plaxico Burress told a hastily assembled Midtown South Police Station news conference, at which he offered an explanation for the incident early Saturday morning in which he fired a concealed handgun into his thigh while at a midtown nightclub.
“I fired my gun because I thought a terrorist was crawling up my pants leg,” Burress told reporters. “They’re everywhere, or so it seems. I figured that as a public figure, I might be a target for them. So I started carrying a loaded, unlicensed firearm as a means of protecting myself from them.”
Burress said that he had deliberately chosen not to register the firearm with local authorities because “Then the terrorists would know that I knew that they were looking for me. Because I keep a high profile as an athlete and as a nightclub-goer, I have to maintain the right strategies for self-protection. I find an unauthorized, loaded weapon to be such an effective strategy.”
Burress, who was booked and processed today for possession of an unlicensed, loaded weapon, acknowledged that the person brushing up against his leg was actually “a girl at the club who was smoking hot, but not as smoking hot as my thigh was after the gun went off.”
“I fired my gun because I thought a terrorist was crawling up my pants leg,” Burress told reporters. “They’re everywhere, or so it seems. I figured that as a public figure, I might be a target for them. So I started carrying a loaded, unlicensed firearm as a means of protecting myself from them.”
Burress said that he had deliberately chosen not to register the firearm with local authorities because “Then the terrorists would know that I knew that they were looking for me. Because I keep a high profile as an athlete and as a nightclub-goer, I have to maintain the right strategies for self-protection. I find an unauthorized, loaded weapon to be such an effective strategy.”
Burress, who was booked and processed today for possession of an unlicensed, loaded weapon, acknowledged that the person brushing up against his leg was actually “a girl at the club who was smoking hot, but not as smoking hot as my thigh was after the gun went off.”
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