Monday, December 1, 2008

Plaxico Burress: “I Thought A Terrorist Was Crawling Up My Pants Leg”

“Terrorists are sneaky,” New York Giants star running back Plaxico Burress told a hastily assembled Midtown South Police Station news conference, at which he offered an explanation for the incident early Saturday morning in which he fired a concealed handgun into his thigh while at a midtown nightclub.

“I fired my gun because I thought a terrorist was crawling up my pants leg,” Burress told reporters. “They’re everywhere, or so it seems. I figured that as a public figure, I might be a target for them. So I started carrying a loaded, unlicensed firearm as a means of protecting myself from them.”

Burress said that he had deliberately chosen not to register the firearm with local authorities because “Then the terrorists would know that I knew that they were looking for me. Because I keep a high profile as an athlete and as a nightclub-goer, I have to maintain the right strategies for self-protection. I find an unauthorized, loaded weapon to be such an effective strategy.”

Burress, who was booked and processed today for possession of an unlicensed, loaded weapon, acknowledged that the person brushing up against his leg was actually “a girl at the club who was smoking hot, but not as smoking hot as my thigh was after the gun went off.”

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