All 36 Astronauts Quit NASA After Learning That Water On Space Shuttle Is Actually Recycled Urine

“At least the Apollo astronauts got Tang,” Astronaut Neil “Buzz” Fingerhut told a hastily assembled Cocoa Beach, Florida news conference. “They told us we were getting Fiji water. Recycled urine? We’re quitting NASA, effective immediately.”

Recent reports about life on the International Space Station revealed that astronauts on-board create drinking water out of recycled urine, a fact previously withheld from the astronaut corps.

“We don’t mind G-forces, months without seeing our loved ones, or being woken up by cheesy musical selections from the 70s handpicked by engineering geeks at Mission Control,” Fingerhut told reporters. “But drinking urine? That just crosses some kind of line.”

Reporters pointed out the difficulties NASA faced in sending adequate supplies of pure, fresh drinking water into space, especially for the six-month long stints astronauts fulfilled on the Space Station.

“Not our problem,” Fingerhut told reporters. “If they can put a man on the Moon, surely they can get a few packs of Arrowhead into geosynchronous Earth orbit.”

“It’s bad enough that there’s no point whatsoever to the Space Station,” Fingerhut said. “Let’s tell the truth. No one on Earth, in NASA, in the media, or among the public, knows what the International Space Station is for. We astronauts know that the whole thing is a public relations thing, a government makework project that provides full employment for engineers.

“It’s a boondoggle only slightly more useful as an investment than the War in Iraq,” Fingerhut admitted. “And we astronauts all went along with the program, because it’s not like you can get a job as an astronaut down at Wal-Mart.”

Fingerhut said that “the entire astronaut corps” was quitting NASA over the issue of the agency’s “dishonesty over the water thing,” because it demonstrated a “lack of good faith” on the part of administrators.

“If they’re giving us recycled urine in Fiji Water bottles,” Fingerhut reasoned, “can we believe anything they tell us? Are we really in space at all? Or are we just in some big simulator somewhere? Did we ever really land on the moon, or is it just made of green cheese? Can anyone tell us? Anyone?”