87 percent of Americans surveyed in a recent CNN-NBC-ESPN-Hustler Magazine poll indicated that they would like to see the electoral college remain in existence but that the country needs to get rid of the Presidency.
“An increasingly high number of Americans now views the Presidency as an outdated, anachronistic, potentially dangerous institution,” Augustus Thompson, a spokesman for the poll, told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference.
“The Presidency is an 18th century concept that has no place in a 21st century world,” Thompson said. “At least that’s what we’re hearing from registered voters.
Thompson said people who answered pollsters’ questions agreed that the electoral college “has never sent this country into war, has never created a scandal like Watergate or Iran-Contra, and has never been caught having sex with an intern.”
The electoral college, Thompson said, “is pretty much the only respectable political institution left.”
Many have criticized the electoral college because it reduces the Presidential contest to a handful of battleground states, but “few voters seem to mind that their votes don’t count,” Thompson said. “They feel that if they’re in a non-battleground state, at least their consciences are clean, because they didn’t put yet another yahoo in the Oval Office.”
Thursday, October 30, 2008
World Series Broadcaster Miller "Astonished" To Discover He Has Broadcast Partner In The Booth
Longtime World Series radio announcer Jon Miller told a hastily assembled Philadelphia, Pennsylvania news conference that he was “astonished, blown away, amazed” to learn that he actually had a broadcast partner, baseball Hall of Famer Joe Morgan.
“I’ve seen him around over the years,” Miller admitted, “but I thought he worked for Fox Sports or something, perhaps on the technical staff. Frankly, it was annoying to hear his voice offering a commentary on top of my commentary. I just thought he was mumbling instructions to the guys in the truck. I had no idea he was my co-announcer.”
Miller and Morgan have been co-announcing the World Series since 2001, but last night’s clinching Game 5 of the 2008 World Series was the first time that the men had been formally introduced.
“I’m embarrassed to say,” Miller continued, “that I asked security to remove Joe from the broadcasting booth because his talking had turned from a tiny rivulet of baseball conversation to an irritating tsunami of baseball memories. That’s when my producer quietly took me aside and explained exactly who Morgan was and what his role was as my partner.”
Miller admitted that was always so immersed in preparation for the games that he “didn’t pay proper attention to the people around me. I mean, there are 25 people on each team, and some of them have funny names that you have to learn to pronounce. I don’t always have time to introduce myself around.”
Miller said that he was “pleased” to have a broadcast partner, especially one with Hall of Fame credentials, and that he planned to use the off-season to discuss with production officials how to make the move from being a solo broadcaster, “or at least thinking I was one, to an actual broadcast team.”
“I’ve seen him around over the years,” Miller admitted, “but I thought he worked for Fox Sports or something, perhaps on the technical staff. Frankly, it was annoying to hear his voice offering a commentary on top of my commentary. I just thought he was mumbling instructions to the guys in the truck. I had no idea he was my co-announcer.”
Miller and Morgan have been co-announcing the World Series since 2001, but last night’s clinching Game 5 of the 2008 World Series was the first time that the men had been formally introduced.
“I’m embarrassed to say,” Miller continued, “that I asked security to remove Joe from the broadcasting booth because his talking had turned from a tiny rivulet of baseball conversation to an irritating tsunami of baseball memories. That’s when my producer quietly took me aside and explained exactly who Morgan was and what his role was as my partner.”
Miller admitted that was always so immersed in preparation for the games that he “didn’t pay proper attention to the people around me. I mean, there are 25 people on each team, and some of them have funny names that you have to learn to pronounce. I don’t always have time to introduce myself around.”
Miller said that he was “pleased” to have a broadcast partner, especially one with Hall of Fame credentials, and that he planned to use the off-season to discuss with production officials how to make the move from being a solo broadcaster, “or at least thinking I was one, to an actual broadcast team.”
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
GM's New "Green" Car Turns Out To Be '73 Nova With A Maaco Paint Job
General Motors took a huge step backwards in its quest to acquire 'green credibilty" when its new Chevrolet Green, offered as a high-mileage hybrid vehicle, turned out to be a '73 Chevy Nova with a green paint job from Maaco.
"We're disappointed," GM CEO Rick Waggoner told a hastily assembled Detroit, Michigan news conference. "We really thought we had something special here."
GM, Waggoner said, had devoted "tens of billions of dollars--okay, tens of dollars" to creating a truly "green" or environmentally friendly vehicle. "We went through hundreds of prototypes--okay, a couple of prototypes. Okay, a couple of sketches on the backs of some Tigers programs. But we really thought we had a car that could change the world."
GM's total investment in the Chevrolet Green, Waggoner admitted, was "just under $200, the cost of painting a '73 Nova over at the Maaco in the Cass Corridor here in Detroit. They had a coupon in the paper."
Waggoner said sheepishly that he thought that the market really would accept the '73 Chevy Nova as a "sustainable, environmentally acceptable vehicle, but I guess people saw through it."
When asked how many miles the freshly painted '73 Nova got to the gallon, Waggoner turned red and admitted "I don't know. We actually weren't able to get it started."
"We're disappointed," GM CEO Rick Waggoner told a hastily assembled Detroit, Michigan news conference. "We really thought we had something special here."
GM, Waggoner said, had devoted "tens of billions of dollars--okay, tens of dollars" to creating a truly "green" or environmentally friendly vehicle. "We went through hundreds of prototypes--okay, a couple of prototypes. Okay, a couple of sketches on the backs of some Tigers programs. But we really thought we had a car that could change the world."
GM's total investment in the Chevrolet Green, Waggoner admitted, was "just under $200, the cost of painting a '73 Nova over at the Maaco in the Cass Corridor here in Detroit. They had a coupon in the paper."
Waggoner said sheepishly that he thought that the market really would accept the '73 Chevy Nova as a "sustainable, environmentally acceptable vehicle, but I guess people saw through it."
When asked how many miles the freshly painted '73 Nova got to the gallon, Waggoner turned red and admitted "I don't know. We actually weren't able to get it started."
Hostess Cakes: We'll Help End World Hunger By Enlarging Twinkies
Hostess Cakes, makers of Twinkies, said that it would contribute to the fight against world hunger by increasing the size of Twinkies by 25 percent.
"We care," Hostess spokesperson Abigail Dunphy told a hastily arranged Omaha, Nebraska news conference. "We understand that a billion people around the globe are going to bed hungry each night. By increasing the size of Twinkies, we believe we are making a meaningful contribution to the cause of ending world hunger."
Dunphy said the company understood that most starving people around the world had never even seen a Twinkie, "let alone enjoyed the creamy insides or the delicious, moist cake surrounding the cream. So we can't really do much for them, since the price of a pack of Twinkies is often equal to a month's wages in those countries.
"But here at home," she added, "hungry is hungry. And people are hungry, and when they are, we want them to reach for a Twinkies. Now that they're larger, they will be more satisfying."
Dunphy pointed out that the average fruit such as apples and oranges "had not increased in size since they were introduced into the marketplace. Even bananas are the same size. So we don't really believe that those so-called organic or non-corporate food producers are really walking the talk.
"At Hostess, we're trying to put a dent in world hunger. 2,000 calories at a time."
"We care," Hostess spokesperson Abigail Dunphy told a hastily arranged Omaha, Nebraska news conference. "We understand that a billion people around the globe are going to bed hungry each night. By increasing the size of Twinkies, we believe we are making a meaningful contribution to the cause of ending world hunger."
Dunphy said the company understood that most starving people around the world had never even seen a Twinkie, "let alone enjoyed the creamy insides or the delicious, moist cake surrounding the cream. So we can't really do much for them, since the price of a pack of Twinkies is often equal to a month's wages in those countries.
"But here at home," she added, "hungry is hungry. And people are hungry, and when they are, we want them to reach for a Twinkies. Now that they're larger, they will be more satisfying."
Dunphy pointed out that the average fruit such as apples and oranges "had not increased in size since they were introduced into the marketplace. Even bananas are the same size. So we don't really believe that those so-called organic or non-corporate food producers are really walking the talk.
"At Hostess, we're trying to put a dent in world hunger. 2,000 calories at a time."
Stevens Maintains Innocence: Says He Never Met Ron, Nicole
Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, convicted of corruption charges, maintained his innocence to a hastily assembled Juneau, Alaska news conference, asserting powerfully that he "never even met Ron and Nicole. I'm not a killer, and I'm keeping my Senate seat."
Stevens claimed that he had never been to Brentwood, California and that he had never eaten at Mezzaluna Restaurant, and that he had never played in the NFL.
"I will appeal my conviction," Stevens declared, "and when it is overturned, I will devote the rest of my life to finding the true killers.
"I offer my condolences to the Goldman and Simpson families," Stevens said. "But I want to assure them that I am not culpable in this matter."
Reporters pointed out to Senator Stevens that he had not been convicted of double homicide but instead had been convicted of corruption.
"As I said," Senators Stevens replied, "I am not responsible for the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson and I will fight this miscarriage of justice to the bitter end. As a great man once said, "If I did not commit, then you must acquit."
Stevens claimed that he had never been to Brentwood, California and that he had never eaten at Mezzaluna Restaurant, and that he had never played in the NFL.
"I will appeal my conviction," Stevens declared, "and when it is overturned, I will devote the rest of my life to finding the true killers.
"I offer my condolences to the Goldman and Simpson families," Stevens said. "But I want to assure them that I am not culpable in this matter."
Reporters pointed out to Senator Stevens that he had not been convicted of double homicide but instead had been convicted of corruption.
"As I said," Senators Stevens replied, "I am not responsible for the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson and I will fight this miscarriage of justice to the bitter end. As a great man once said, "If I did not commit, then you must acquit."
Monday, October 27, 2008
Palin: Vote For McCain Or I’ll Shoot This Caribou
Republican Vice Presidential candidate today held a 1,200 pound female caribou named Mary at rifle point and told reporters that if Americans didn’t vote for John McCain, the caribou would get it “right between the eyes.”
Palin, wearing a Givenchy gown and Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals, along with a 12 carat tiara, her hair and makeup done to perfection, told a hastily assembled Anchorage, Alaska news conference that she was “sorry it’s come to this. But either McCain wins or Mary becomes a trophy in the Governor’s Office.”
Political observers had expected the McCain/Palin campaign to come out swinging in the last days of the campaign, but none of them expected Palin to take as a hostage a doe-eyed, gentle caribou that had never caused the slightest bit of trouble to humans, according to published reports.
Palin said that she would keep her rifle trained on Mary the caribou “until our poll numbers improve.”
Palin, wearing a Givenchy gown and Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals, along with a 12 carat tiara, her hair and makeup done to perfection, told a hastily assembled Anchorage, Alaska news conference that she was “sorry it’s come to this. But either McCain wins or Mary becomes a trophy in the Governor’s Office.”
Political observers had expected the McCain/Palin campaign to come out swinging in the last days of the campaign, but none of them expected Palin to take as a hostage a doe-eyed, gentle caribou that had never caused the slightest bit of trouble to humans, according to published reports.
Palin said that she would keep her rifle trained on Mary the caribou “until our poll numbers improve.”
Sunday, October 26, 2008
George H.W. Bush Offers To Buy Son New Legacy
Former President George H.W. Bush today offered to buy his son, current President George W. Bush, a "shiny, brand-new legacy to replace the smoking pile of kaka that he created over the last eight years."
Former President Bush told a hastily assembled Kennebunkport, Maine news conference that his son had not only "driven the United States into the ground economically and diplomatically, he's also destroyed our family name."
The Former President told reporters he was willing to spend "whatever is necessary" to buy off journalists, reporters, and historians "with or without publishing deals, contracts for magazines, or appointments at even minor universities to write something nice about my boy."
Former President Bush candidly acknowledged that President George W. Bush had allowed himself to be misled by neoconservaties and dragged into a "quagmire that makes the Vietnam War look like a beach vacation" and toppled the economy "like a dozen bowling pins."
Nevertheless, Former President Bush argued, "He's a good boy. He stopped using drugs a long time ago. He was never much of a student, but he did get through Yale. He's got to live with his legacy, but more important, so do Barbara and I. Please, America, give our family one last chance."
Former President Bush told a hastily assembled Kennebunkport, Maine news conference that his son had not only "driven the United States into the ground economically and diplomatically, he's also destroyed our family name."
The Former President told reporters he was willing to spend "whatever is necessary" to buy off journalists, reporters, and historians "with or without publishing deals, contracts for magazines, or appointments at even minor universities to write something nice about my boy."
Former President Bush candidly acknowledged that President George W. Bush had allowed himself to be misled by neoconservaties and dragged into a "quagmire that makes the Vietnam War look like a beach vacation" and toppled the economy "like a dozen bowling pins."
Nevertheless, Former President Bush argued, "He's a good boy. He stopped using drugs a long time ago. He was never much of a student, but he did get through Yale. He's got to live with his legacy, but more important, so do Barbara and I. Please, America, give our family one last chance."
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