God today told a hastily assembled Mountain View, California news conference that the weighing of souls after death would no longer be based on actions but instead would be based solely on an individual's web search history.
"I now believe that the process of determining a soul's final resting place can be expedited to a period under a quarter of a second," God told reporters at Google's Mountain View headquarters. "What you search for on the web is pretty much a snapshot of how you live your life."
Until recently, God said, judging souls took "decades, or even centuries," because every aspect of a person's life had to be scrutinized for details.
"No longer," God said. "You take a quick look at a person's search history, and there it all is. What did they visit? Neo-Nazi sites? Porn sites? Did they spend all their time and money on eBay, working up a rating of thousands of purchases? People with search histories like that are highly unlikely to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
God warned against people hiring web optimization firms to create "bogus web histories with visits to the United Way, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and other sites that are all about doing good works. From our perspective, and with the assistance of Google, we can tell even more quickly than Santa who's been naughty and who's been nice.
"So my advice to those who would wish to find a room in the mansion that is their Father's house is think twice before you click twice. What you search for will end up on your permanent record, and Google will have a copy in Our hands before the Devil knows you're gone."
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