The militant group Hamas, after having suffered losses so severe that only six of its fighters and one dog have survived, today declared victory in its war with Israel in the Gaza Strip.
"Yes, they killed thousands of us," a masked, unnamed Hamas spokesman told a hastily assembled Gaza City news conference. "They have destroyed our infrastructure, taken away electricity from our populace, blown up all our smuggling tunnels, and killed our leadership.
"But we won anyway."
Hamas's victory, celebrated by "an admittedly small group of six soldiers and a dog," according to the spokesman, "came at a very high price for Israel. When the time is right, we will fire our last three rockets at Sderot, and then we'll have to dig a new tunnel to Egypt so we can get some more."
The spokesman suggested that even though Israel "had not and never would admit defeat, everybody knows the truth. We aren't just a fighting force--we're an idea. And you can't blow up ideas."
The unnamed spokesman attributed Hamas's victory to its willingness to "stand up for what we believe in, which I would repeat for you now, but I can't because I have such a headache from the bombardment. The main thing is that we won."
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