Military Seeks Used Cell Phones To Drop On Enemy

"We want your old phones," Air Force General Patrick Kirkpatrick today told a hastily assembled Pentagon news conference. "Also your old toner cartridgers, laptops, and any other heavy metal objects you don't need anymore, like toasters or TVs."

General Kirkpatrick told reporters that such objects had been donated in the past to be given to men and women in uniform, "but it turns out that the objects make really great projectiles when dropped on the enemy from a great height."

The General told reporters that the discovery of weaponized former PDAs, cell phones, and other household items and appliances was made when a staff sergeant accidentally left his iPhone on an unmanned drone shortly before takeoff in Northeastern Pakistan.

"The iPhone scored a direct hit on a militant," General Kirkpatrick told reporters. "Took him out in nothing flat. So we thought, let's drop all kinds of undesired technological gear from jets. It's cheaper than real ordnance, and surprisingly effective."

General Kirkpatrick said that citizens could leave unwanted metal objects at any military base or post office across the United States.

"No religious fervor is a match for a well-aimed if technologically outdated Blackberry," Kirkpatrick told reporters. "As Ralph Kramden would have said, 'Pow, Alice! Right in the kisser!'"

Fear Of Copycat Athlete Killings Has Sportsmen Sleeping Alone

In the wake of the murders of football great Steve McNair and boxer Arturo Gotti, many of the world's greatest athletes have decided to sleep alone for the foreseeable future, according to a new study.

John Halliday, President of the American Society For The Preservation Of Captivating Athletes, told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference today that more and more athletes are "looking at their wives, mistresses, and camp followers in a colder, more clinical light" since the McNair and Gotti killings.

"We can't blame the athletes for wanting to protect themselves from what may be a spate of copycat athlete murders," Hailiday told reporters. "It used to be that safe sex required only a condom. Now it requires installing a metal detector in your master bedroom or your secret love nest."

Among the athletes who are now abandoning their girlfriends and wives are soccer star David Beckham, cyclist Lance Armstrong, and the entire roster of the Montreal Canadiens.

"We're hoping that the girlfriends and wives will realize that a simple 'Dear John' letter is all they need in order to end a relationship," Halliday said. "Or even a text message saying, 'It's over.' Boxers always have said that sex is bad for their legs. Now it turns out it may be bad for their whole bodies, including the major arteries and veins running to and from the heart."

NAMBLA Annual Meeting Attracts Largest Crowd Ever

NAMBLA's annual meeting attracted a record crowd of more than 18,000 to the Staples Center for an affirmation of its principles, A singer was also honored at the event.

GM Announces First Post-Bankruptcy Car, The "Obama"

General Motors CEO Dave Smith today told a hastily assembled Detroit press conference that the auto maker's first new marque after entering bankruptcy would be the "Obama."

"The Obama will be sleek, powerful, and able to go in many different directions at the same time," Smith told reporters. "It will get great mileage, look beautiful, and be the envy of its owners' neighbors."

Smith said that the only problem with the car is its pricetag. It will cost "upwards of $12 trillion," Smith said. "All we have to do is sell one."

Obama: I'm Doing To Democracy What Bush Did To Iraq

President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that his Presidency was modeled on his predecessor's approach to Iraq.

"We understand we have to destroy democracy in order to save it," Obama told reporters. "Whether the issue is executive pay for bankers, health care, running GM, or anything else our administration is doing, I believe that we have a strong precedent in President Bush's foreign policy.

"Bush went into Iraq and destroyed it to rebuild it. I'm doing the same thing right here at home."

The President told reporters that "sometimes you have to break something in order to benefit from it, like a piggy bank, or for my Latino friends, a pinata. And once you do, people get something out of it. And after a while, they don't even miss the old thing they used to have."

Obama said that "It may take a few years before people start to realize that we destroyed democracy in order to save America. But the alternative, letting the free market system and the business cycle come around again, was just unacceptable."

Obama also said that GM's first new model vehicle since entering into bankruptcy, the Obama, would be available this fall "but without any options."

Obama Freezes Kim Jong-Il's Netflix Account

"You can weaponize your uranium to make nuclear weapons, or you can have access to the most complete library of feature films and TV shows, in your mailbox the next morning, but you can't have both," President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference as he announced the unilateral freezing of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il's Netflix account.

"We understand that a movie buff like Kim Jong-Il will take this as an act of war," Obama told reporters. "But if he wants a standoff to see who blinks first, I would advise that movie-loving strongman to bring plenty of popcorn."

Al-Jazeera, Citing Slipping Ratings, Renames Itself Al-Jarreau, Focuses On Soft Jazz

Al-Jazeera, the preeminent news voice of the Arab world, today announced that due to ratings pressure, it was changing its name to Al Jarreau and focusing on soft jazz.

"People are tired of war," spokesman Ali Hashemi told a hastily assembled Damascus news conference. "They want nice music they can have on in the background while they work or raise their kids. Our new format, Al Jarreau, should be very enticing to a growing audience."

Hashemi said that "while we will occasionally break for news updates, we will offer a steady, comforting flow of music like Kenny G., the Blue Knights, and Grady Nichols, along with traditional favorites like Chuck Mangione and, of course, our new namesake, Al Jarreau.

"Maybe we can't bring peace to the Middle East," Hashemi told reporters. "But we at least we can bring peace to the radio dial."