Expensive New Gov't Study: Goatees Cause Obesity In Middle-Aged Men

An expensive new government study reveals that goatees and other forms of unshaven chin hair can cause obesity in middle-aged men.

"Failure to shave one's chin thoroughly can result in unwanted waistline flab," National Institutes of Health spokesman Tammy Finer told a hastily assembled Besthesda, Maryland news conference.

"You see it all the time," Finer told reporters. "Guys with little goatees and wispy beards on their chins--they suddenly are sprouting an extra 30, 50, or even 70 pounds of belly fat. Our study, which took five years and cost more than $6.2 million, shows a definite link between growing those funny little beards and getting fat, even obese."

As a result of the study, Finer said, the government was now recommending as a health issue that men over 35 not grow goatees, because "goatees clearly make men fat."

Finer said that the government was "convinced" that "we can reduce obesity in middle-aged men if only they would get rid of those little beards."

The NIH, Finer said, was "the government's best weapon in the war against bad health" and that "every dime of the very expensive, multi-million dollar studies we commission on behalf of taxpayers is a wise expenditure of the money."

When reporters asked whether the government report might have confused cause with effect--that obese, middle-aged men grew goatees in order to cover up flabby chins--Finer rubbed her chin, paused, and replied, "That's really interesting. We never thought of that."