International soccer star David Beckham today told a hastily assembled Milan news conference that he would use a stunt double “to play myself” in American soccer.
“We hate L.A.,” Beckham said, speaking for himself and his wife, a former singer, “we hate America, and we hate American-style soccer. We even hate the name ‘soccer’. And we hate American football, too.”
Beckham said that the use of a stunt double would allow him to “perform at the highest levels for soccer fans in Italy who appreciate my greatness as a player and not just my angular, phenomenal physique.”
Beckham said that his feelings about America “weren’t personal, because we don’t like anyone or anything about the country. The use of a stunt double will satisfy American soccer fans, because I hadn’t played that much anyway, so no one will really notice the difference.”
Beckham did thank the 8 million Americans who bought his replica t-shirt, which, he said, he didn’t like, either.
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