Facebook has a right to know absolutely everything about its members, even information its members do not choose to place online, a spokesman told a hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference.
"Our user agreement has a special provision," Facebook spokesman Arnold Greengrocer told reporters, "that gives us permission to follow our members through the GPS tracking systems in their cell phones and cars. We're seeing who is hanging out with whom, and where, and we're posting it on our site."
Greengrocer said that members "who have nothing to hide have nothing to worry about. For example, if you're married, and we determine that your cell phone and your wife's cell phone are at the same coordinates, and we post that information, you shouldn't be concerned. But if you're having an affair, you should expect that we will post that information, including when and where and how long you are together."
Greengrocer said that the purpose of the GPS search feature was to "help people recognize that they need to live their lives in a more moral, upright fashion. If you live your life so that you don't have to worry about what appears on Facebook, then you'll be okay. If not, well, nobody forced you to post your stuff on our site, and no one forced you to sign our terms of service.
"Did we mention that we will keep this information forever?" Greengrocer added. "By the way, if you miss your regular AA meeting, we'll post that, too. Our new slogan: 'Facebook. Because we can.'"
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Adam Corolla Spotted At 405 On-Ramp With Sign, "Will Talk For Food"
Former KLSX morning man Adam Corolla was spotted by motorists at the southbound Santa Monica Boulevard entrance to the 405 freeway in West Los Angeles, panhandling while carrying a hand-lettered sign reading "Will Talk For Food."
Corolla and the rest of the KLSX now-defunct talk radio lineup were fired in mid-February amid slumping ad revenues and declining ratings.
"I didn't manage my money well," Corolla told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference after video of his panhandling had been posted on YouTube. "I thought the money would keep pouring in forever, even though the show was only marginally funny and listeners were deserting us like rats jumping off a sinking ship."
Corolla told reporters that he had "no career prospects" after his annoying putdowns of everyone in Hollywood who "might have employed me had I not been so snotty and self-aggrandizing."
Corolla said that panhandling was "humiliating," but it did "offer much more dignity than being paired by management with Danny Bonaduce. That should have been the writing on the wall for me. If only I'd put something in a money market fund. Can any of you guys lend me cabfare home?"
Corolla and the rest of the KLSX now-defunct talk radio lineup were fired in mid-February amid slumping ad revenues and declining ratings.
"I didn't manage my money well," Corolla told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference after video of his panhandling had been posted on YouTube. "I thought the money would keep pouring in forever, even though the show was only marginally funny and listeners were deserting us like rats jumping off a sinking ship."
Corolla told reporters that he had "no career prospects" after his annoying putdowns of everyone in Hollywood who "might have employed me had I not been so snotty and self-aggrandizing."
Corolla said that panhandling was "humiliating," but it did "offer much more dignity than being paired by management with Danny Bonaduce. That should have been the writing on the wall for me. If only I'd put something in a money market fund. Can any of you guys lend me cabfare home?"
Friday, February 27, 2009
Brady Suffers Groin Injury On Wedding Night; Matt Cassell Steps In
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a groin pull on his wedding night with Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, necessitating his backup, Matt Cassell, to enter his hotel room and complete the honeymoon in his place.
"Matt was standing outside our room with a clipboard," Brady told a hastily assembled Santa Monica, California news conference, "as he has for practically every night of my relationship with Gisele. And when I went down with the groin pull, he was there to step in and take charge."
Brady told reporters that the groin pull "just kind of happened. Gisele and I were warming up, and all of a sudden I felt a sudden sharp pain and that was that."
Brady said he expected to be out of action for "two to three weeks" and that Cassell would "fill in" until then.
"That's why you have a backup," Brady said. "The game must go on."
"Matt was standing outside our room with a clipboard," Brady told a hastily assembled Santa Monica, California news conference, "as he has for practically every night of my relationship with Gisele. And when I went down with the groin pull, he was there to step in and take charge."
Brady told reporters that the groin pull "just kind of happened. Gisele and I were warming up, and all of a sudden I felt a sudden sharp pain and that was that."
Brady said he expected to be out of action for "two to three weeks" and that Cassell would "fill in" until then.
"That's why you have a backup," Brady said. "The game must go on."
Obama Says CIA Can't Remember Purpose Of Afghan War
"No one knows why we're there, who we're fighting, or how to tell if we've won," President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "The people at CIA say that all the people who remember why we went to war there have all retired. They think it had something to do with 9/11."
Obama told reporters that "While the CIA can't remember what exactly the war in Afghanistan is all about, they say that it's probably important that we stay and fight. But they don't know who we should be fighting. I think some people with turbans or something."
Obama said that "everybody at CIA is very enthusiastic about the war, even though no one in Afghanistan seems to know anything about 9/11. They don't even know where New York City is on a map.
"So we'll stay and fight until someone remembers why we're fighting. I'm sure there's a very good reason."
Obama told reporters that "While the CIA can't remember what exactly the war in Afghanistan is all about, they say that it's probably important that we stay and fight. But they don't know who we should be fighting. I think some people with turbans or something."
Obama said that "everybody at CIA is very enthusiastic about the war, even though no one in Afghanistan seems to know anything about 9/11. They don't even know where New York City is on a map.
"So we'll stay and fight until someone remembers why we're fighting. I'm sure there's a very good reason."
Golfer Tim Clark Apologizes For Beating Woods
South African golfer Tim Clark today delivered a tearful apology to an angry, hasily assembled Phoenix news conference for defeating Tiger Woods, 3 and 2, in the ongoing Accenture match play tournament.
"I got so caught up in my round that I forgot to lose," Clark admitted. "[PGA Commissioner Tim] Finchem had visited me in my hotel room prior to the match and reminded me that my job was to lose--maybe to keep it close if I could, but basically to lose. And I forgot."
Clark said that a furious Finchem had berated him in the scoring tent after the round and threatened to revoke his Tour card unless he disqualified himself, penalized himself enough strokes to lose the match, or fail to sign his scorecard, which would be grounds for defeat.
"I was so upset by what Mr. Finchem said," Clark explained, through tears, "that I didn't have the composure to take any of the, um, suggestions he offered. I signed my scorecard, which was accurate, and I guess that was it for Tiger."
Without Woods in the weekend matches, Clark told reporters, "watching the rest of us play golf is like watching paint dry. I'm sure the ratings will go right into the toilet."
Clark said that he was "too distraught" to play any more rounds over the weekend and planned to spend his time "getting drunk as a skunk with John Daly, that is, if I can find him. America, you wanted to spend the weekend watching Tiger. I [messed] up. Forgive me if you can."
"I got so caught up in my round that I forgot to lose," Clark admitted. "[PGA Commissioner Tim] Finchem had visited me in my hotel room prior to the match and reminded me that my job was to lose--maybe to keep it close if I could, but basically to lose. And I forgot."
Clark said that a furious Finchem had berated him in the scoring tent after the round and threatened to revoke his Tour card unless he disqualified himself, penalized himself enough strokes to lose the match, or fail to sign his scorecard, which would be grounds for defeat.
"I was so upset by what Mr. Finchem said," Clark explained, through tears, "that I didn't have the composure to take any of the, um, suggestions he offered. I signed my scorecard, which was accurate, and I guess that was it for Tiger."
Without Woods in the weekend matches, Clark told reporters, "watching the rest of us play golf is like watching paint dry. I'm sure the ratings will go right into the toilet."
Clark said that he was "too distraught" to play any more rounds over the weekend and planned to spend his time "getting drunk as a skunk with John Daly, that is, if I can find him. America, you wanted to spend the weekend watching Tiger. I [messed] up. Forgive me if you can."
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Recession Means 15 NBA Teams Will Play Only 4 Players At A Time
NBA Commissioner David Stern today told a hastily assembled New York news conference that 15 teams were having so much financial difficulties that they were only going to be able to field four players at a time.
“Four on five can still be a good game,” Stern told reporters. “It’s like when you’re on the playground and you have an odd number of kids who want to play ball, except it’s the NBA.”
Stern said that in addition to borrowing $175 million to help the teams meet their operating costs, the 15 unspecified teams would reduce expenses further by having only four players on the court at once and reduce rosters to seven players.
“When you have only four players, you have fewer uniforms to wash, fewer socks to purchase, fewer expenses of all kinds,” Stern explained. “In this economy, we have to do everything we can to save money.”
Stern said that when teams starting four players were playing teams starting five players, “We’ll give the team four players an extra three or four points a quarter, to keep things fair.”
Stern said that the NBA would also attempt to save money by “not replacing the net on the basketball hoops, using basketballs longer, and eliminating referees and having players call fouls on themselves, like tennis players do.”
Fans will “get used to four on five, or four on four,” Stern promised. “There’s nothing magical about five on five. If the economy keeps going south, we may reduce rosters further and only play one-on-one.”
“Four on five can still be a good game,” Stern told reporters. “It’s like when you’re on the playground and you have an odd number of kids who want to play ball, except it’s the NBA.”
Stern said that in addition to borrowing $175 million to help the teams meet their operating costs, the 15 unspecified teams would reduce expenses further by having only four players on the court at once and reduce rosters to seven players.
“When you have only four players, you have fewer uniforms to wash, fewer socks to purchase, fewer expenses of all kinds,” Stern explained. “In this economy, we have to do everything we can to save money.”
Stern said that when teams starting four players were playing teams starting five players, “We’ll give the team four players an extra three or four points a quarter, to keep things fair.”
Stern said that the NBA would also attempt to save money by “not replacing the net on the basketball hoops, using basketballs longer, and eliminating referees and having players call fouls on themselves, like tennis players do.”
Fans will “get used to four on five, or four on four,” Stern promised. “There’s nothing magical about five on five. If the economy keeps going south, we may reduce rosters further and only play one-on-one.”
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Obama Admits He Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Doing
President Barack Obama today admitted to a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" but that "I expect that somehow things will work out all right."
Obama told reporters he watched footage of Hillary Clinton "hanging out in Asia and for a minute I was envious. She doesn't have to solve the economy, health care, or the war in Iraq. If anything goes wrong, she can just blame me. She's got a much better deal than I have."
Obama also said that Vice President Joe Biden "has a big mouth, but not everything he says is complete nonsense or plagiarism. Who knows if this whole stimulus deal will work? Socialism doesn't exactly have a stellar track record."
The President said he was "saddened" by the continuing collapse of the stock market since he took office. "Can't they control that thing?" he asked reporters. "Does anyone realize what happened to the value of my IRA? I may just have to write another book just to make up for what we've lost."
Obama said that he would announce plans to resolve health care, the War in Iraq, the environment, and the Middle East, "but to be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with any of those topics, either."
Obama told reporters he watched footage of Hillary Clinton "hanging out in Asia and for a minute I was envious. She doesn't have to solve the economy, health care, or the war in Iraq. If anything goes wrong, she can just blame me. She's got a much better deal than I have."
Obama also said that Vice President Joe Biden "has a big mouth, but not everything he says is complete nonsense or plagiarism. Who knows if this whole stimulus deal will work? Socialism doesn't exactly have a stellar track record."
The President said he was "saddened" by the continuing collapse of the stock market since he took office. "Can't they control that thing?" he asked reporters. "Does anyone realize what happened to the value of my IRA? I may just have to write another book just to make up for what we've lost."
Obama said that he would announce plans to resolve health care, the War in Iraq, the environment, and the Middle East, "but to be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with any of those topics, either."
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