Trial Lawyers Celebrate First Cellphone-Related Brain Tumor With Massive Vegas Blowout

Trial lawyers lit the Las Vegas skyline with a massive fireworks display capping one of the biggest parties the gambling Mecca has ever seen, celebrating confirmed reports in the New England Journal of Medicine of the first-ever cellphone-related brain tumor.

“This is gonna make litigation over smoking, asbestos and Celebrex look like traffic tickets,” said a red-faced Harlan Ogleberg, a Tupelo, Missouri attorney specializing in class actions. “We can sue the phone companies on behalf of every single human being with a cellphone. We’re gonna make billions.”

Ogleberg called the anticipated lawsuit “the mother of all class actions” and said that he and his friends expected to win “billions, maybe even trillions of dollars. Basically, we’re gonna own AT&T, Sprint, and maybe even Apple. We’re gonna have more money than even we know what to do with.”

Ogleberg and the nation’s other leading class action attorneys converged on Las Vegas in a procession of Gulfstream V jets as soon as the story about the first cellphone-related brain tumor hit Google News. Their ostensible purpose was to coordinate legal strategy but their main reason for meeting in Las Vegas was “to party like we’ve never partied before. And trial lawyers know how to party.”

Some scientists have been warning for years that the effect of holding a radiation-emitting device so close to one’s brain could have medical consequences, a notion ignored by the phone companies and cellphone users alike. If a wave of brain tumors related to cellphones does in fact occur, cellphone manufacturers and service providers may be on the hook for billions.

Reporters asked Ogleberg how much the average plaintiff in a cellphone brain tumor case might receive. The attorney took out an envelope stuffed with cash labeled “For Hookers” and did some rapid calculations.

“We attorneys would probably make in the area of $10 to $20 billion,” he said. “The average cellphone user with a brain tumor would probably get, you know, after our expenses and legal fees, one of those plastic cards that gives you 60 minutes of free calls. Hey, they’ve got brain tumors. It’s not like they’re gonna need the money.”