Pittsburgh Pirates, Incompetent At Baseball, Try, Fail At Real Piracy

The Pittsburgh Pirates, coming off a disastrous 95-loss season and a last place finish in the Central Division of the National League, have proven to be equally inept at actual piracy, according to reports.

“These Pirates are horrible at whatever they try,” U.S. Coast Guard spokesman Alan Engall told a hastily assembled Pittsburgh news conference. “They must have seen news reports from Africa about real pirates, so they must have figured, why not us?”

Seven members of the 2008 Pittsburgh Pirates, wearing eyepatches and fake peglegs and carrying what appeared to be starters’ pistols, boarded a boat on the Allegheny River which turned out to be a police vessel. All 7 Pirates were taken into custody.

Two other Pirates sought to “boatjack” a cigarette boat refueling on the Ohio River and were beaten into semi-consciousness by the boat’s driver and passengers, who were allegedly delivering narcotics throughout central Pennsylvania for a Colombian drug cartel.

Finally, two of the team’s coaches sought to board an amphibious tourbus without paying the proper fare. When they identified themselves as Pirates, an angry crowd of Pittsburghers tossed them into the Monongahela River, where they drowned.

“This story should be a caution to anyone who thinks that piracy is easy,” Engall told reporters. “We think people should just leave real piracy to the professionals.”