Religious Group Claims Owners Of All Homes Destroyed In Calif. Fires Voted Against Prop. 8

“God knows how you vote,” the Rev. Freddy Dumont told a hastily assembled Montecito, California news conference. “And the wages of voting for sin is you lose your house.”

Rev. Dumont told reporters that he was “not surprised” that the owners of all of the 1,000-plus homes destroyed in wildfires in recent days had voted against Prop. 8, a ballot initiative that amended the California Constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.

“You can lie to pollsters, but you can’t lie to the Lord,” Rev. Dumont said. “If you voted against Prop. 8, you’re getting a taste of the fires of Hell. Don’t confuse Election Day with the Day of Judgment. Vote against Prop. 8, you sealed your fate.”

Reporters pressed Rev. Dumont, leader of the Online Church of the Great Conservative And Right-Wing God, based somewhere in Orange County, as to how he knew that God knew the specific voting patterns of California homeowners.

“How could he not know?” Rev. Dumont responded. “Ain’t no hanging chad in heaven. No butterfly ballots in the Bible. Prop. 8 gets you through the pearly gates. If you decline, it’s the fire next time.”

Rev. Dumont said that individuals who voted against Prop. 8 but lived in areas not affected by fires “better drive carefully, look both ways before they cross the street, and avoid air travel until they repent.”