Terrorist Sleeper Cell Oversleeps, Fails To Destroy Electoral College

Fourteen members of the self-styled Election Martyrs Brigade slept late after a long night of martyr-related partying and failed to complete their mission, the location and destruction of the Electoral College.

"We are embarrassed for our cause and will try again in four years," the sleeper cell leader who only identified himself as "Freddy" told a hastily assembled Alexandria, Virginia news conference.

The Election Martyrs Brigade was to have spent the day before Election Day locating the Electoral College and then "blowing it up with bombs," "Freddy" told reporters. "But ever since 9/11 you Americans have become much smarter about security. We couldn't even locate the Electoral College with the Internet."

"Freddy" said that his sleeper cell consisted of two of his brothers, three brothers-in-law, and eight neighbors from their village, in a country they chose not to identify "because you Americans will retaliate and blow our mud huts back to the Stone Age.

"Although to tell you the truth," "Freddy" added, "since we're living in mud huts, you could say we're already living in the Stone Age."

"Freddy" told reporters that his sleeper cell had all found jobs in the Alexandria, Virginia area, that most of them had American girlfriends, and that three were taking college courses "or going for their G.E.D. And they all like to party, so frankly I'm not surprised that we all slept in."

The Electoral College was a "natural target" for terror, "Freddy" told reporters, since "every other government building or institution, bridge, tunnel, or power grid was under careful watch.

We hacked the Secret Service internal website and could not find a single reference to guards guarding the Electoral College. So we figured it would be the perfect target on the eve of the election."

"Freddy" said that the 13 other members of his sleeper cell would "get together, maybe this weekend, and start planning our next event. Although quite frankly, life as members of a sleeper cell has proven to be much more attractive than martyring ourselves for our cause, which none of us still remembers at this point.

"But our message to the faculty of the Electoral College is this: be afraid. Be very afraid. Four years from tonight, our sleeper cell will awaken.

"As long as my brother-in-law remembers to set the alarm."