Thursday, August 27, 2009

Police Find Evidence Of Food, Coffee, A Few Magazines At Michael Jackson's House

Acting on a tip from friends of the late singer, Los Angeles police investigators turned up evidence of peanut butter, instant coffee, and several month-old copies of TV Guide and Us Magazine.

"We expected heroin, dead bodies, and possibly children who had been taken as long-time hostages by Mr. Jackson," Ulf Rassindorf, a spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Department, told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference.

"We found none of those things," Rassindorf told reporters. "But we did find evidence that Mr. Jackson liked peanut butter sandwiches, with the crusts cut off, while he watched TV."

Reports had been circulating that the late pop star had been addicted to various drugs and that a police search of his home would turn up incriminating evidence.

"There's no law against liking Jif," Rassindorf said. "And while it's not exactly masculine to have the crusts cut off, it's not something we'd build a case around. In any event, the last time I checked, the late Mr. Jackson was still dead, so who really cares what he had in his house?"

Rassindorf pointed out that "although many people would not have chosen him for a babysitter or mother's helper, he did have enough money that he did not have to look for jobs in those fields. Here at LAPD, our attitude toward Mr. Jackson, quite frankly, is 'case closed.'"

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