Disspirited Terrell Owens "Can't Buy A Headline"

Bills running back Terrell Owens was admitted to a Buffalo, New York hospital with "mild to severe depression over his inability to get any attention from the football world," team spokesman Ed Gurt told a hastily assembled Buffalo news conference.

"He's just feeling down," Gurt told reporters. "He's come out to the practice field naked, diverted a busload of Make-A-Wish kids to a nude dance club, where he had them shower the dancers with hundred dollar bills, and threatened the lives of seven world leaders. And he can't buy a headline, what with Favre and Vick getting all the ink."

Owens is used to a much higher level of attention, Gurt said, in cities with more volatile media outlets and fan bases.

"Here in Buffalo, we don't get too high and we don't get too low," Gurt said.

Owens was "doing better" on the unlocked unit, Gurt indicated, and has abandoned plans to go over Niagara Falls "in nothing but a jockstrap" and to demand that the other 10 men on the offensive unit "sit down on the turf" while he runs plays against other teams in single combat.

"Terrell will be fine," Gurt said. "At some point, Brett and Michael Vick will fade into the background and Terrell will get his regular share of attention on SportsCenter. Until then, well, Buffalo plus Terrell Owens equals the sound of crickets."