Afghans Celebrate "Free And Fair" Elections By Slaughtering Hundreds

The Afghani people today celebrated their "free and fair" elections by slaughtering hundreds of innocent men, women, children, and the elderly, according to Afghanistan government spokesman Salad Al-Din told a hastily assembled Kabul news conference.

"We kill because we care," al-Din said. "These are not just acts of violence but 'statement' killings, which shows how deeply we respect our balloting process. We kill old, defenseless people to remind us that all people, of any age, must live in dignity.

"We kill innocent children to symbolize the fact that children are the future and we want to have a better future than we have today," al-Din added. "And we kill women because they are the infidel."

Al-Din told reporters that if there is a runoff election between incumbent Hamid Karsai and his main challenger, the surprise write-in candidate Sarah Palin, "we will kill even more people, because in our nation, the bullet and the ballot are one."