Putin Orders All Russian Leaders To Purchase, Wear “Putin’s Best” Leather Jackets

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today ordered all Russian leaders to appear in public only while wearing bulletproof leather bomber jackets that Putin is manufacturing under the label “Putin’s Best.”

“The West has suits and ties, the Arabs have their flowing robes, and we have leather jackets,” Putin told a hastily assembled Kremlin news conference. “If we all wear the same style bomber jacket, it gives us an identity and lets people know we are a force to be reckoned with.

“You know what the best example is?” he asked reporters. “The Yankees, with their pinstripes. Well, for Russians, pinstripes equals leather jackets.”

In his eight years as Russian President, Putin oversaw the transformation of the natural gas industry into a powerful, robust, state-controlled vehicle whose pipelines to Western Europe give Russia practically unprecedented political power around the world.

“A bomber jacket gives you a sense of swagger,” Putin explained, modeling his latest designs for Kremlin reporters and photographers. “It tells other people, look out, because I am bad.”

The “swagger” that Putin has now required for fellow Russian leaders won’t come cheap. The “Putin’s Best” bulletproof bomber jacket he was wearing will cost Russian leaders 5,000,000,000 rubles (approximately US $1.5 million).

“Yes, they are expensive,” Putin admitted. “But the leather is so buttery soft that you will want to wear it all the time, even indoors. The Scotchgard technology allows you to spill copious amounts of vodka and caviar without affecting the look of the jacket. And the bulletproof aspect of the jackets—what is your life worth in these troubled times?”

Putin said he expected all Russian leaders intending on keeping their positions, and all leaders of other nations formerly part of the USSR, to order their “Putin’s Best” bomber jackets “in time for Christmas delivery. And it makes a nice gift for your wife or mistress. Or both.”