Americans Without Disabilities Lobby Congress For More Stairs

“We respect people with disabilities,” John Oercher, President of The Americans Without Disabilities Coalition told a hastily assembled Capitol Hill news conference, “but what about us? Who’s watching out for our rights?”

Oercher said that his group, which represents “tens” of Americans, spent the day lobbying Congress for more steps in public places and the right to walk “even the steepest” golf courses without being embarrassed by course marshals.

“It’s great that people with disabilities have ramps and elevators and stuff,” Oercher told reporters. “But the rights of the majority in this country must also be respected. And we like taking the stairs and not going on twisty ramps.”

Oercher said that his group’s proposed legislation to respect the rights of “Non-Disabled Americans” came about when he was “running for a flight and instead of having a straight path, I had to keep zigzagging. I was like, am at Reagan National or am I at Disneyland? I missed the flight, because of all those ramps. I can’t believe that’s what the Founding Fathers had in mind.”

Oercher told reporters that his group “doesn’t want to see ramps removed, because we understand that it’s not easy getting around in a wheelchair, or a motorized cart. Although frankly some of those motorized cart drivers are pretty hostile and will run you down as soon as look at you.

“We just want people to have choices. Ramp, or stairs? President Obama needs infrastructure projects to jumpstart our economy. Let’s start by doing something for our non-disabled. It’s not like most of them will still have jobs next year, anyway. I think a few steps, or maybe the occasional spiral staircase, is not too much to ask.”