Drug Company Creates New Medicine You Must Take, Even If You Are Well

Phaxo Pharmaceuticals, the world leader in unnecessary medication benefiting the developed world, today announced a new “wonder drug” that all Americans will be required by law to take.

OrElse, the wonder drug, “is derived from a molecular pattern not inconsistent with that found in chicken soup,” a Phaxo Pharmaceuticals spokesperson, Freida Goncher, told a hastily assembled Minneapolis, MN news conference.

“The marketing tagline is ‘It Couldn’t Hurt,’” Goncher told reporters. “There’s really nothing a little chicken soup couldn’t make better. We believe this is the safest drug we have ever brought to market.”

OrElse went through a standard six-month trial period conducted by the FDA, at the end of which Phaxo claimed that “there were no long-term illnesses or deaths attributable to the drug,” Goncher said. “Of course, nobody’s taken it over a long-term period, since it only came out six months ago, but still, we think that’s a promising start.”

What separates OrElse from many if not all of its competitors is that there is no specific illness for which the drug is being marketed, and a newly-passed law, crafted and driven through Congress by drug company lobbyists, requiring that the drug must be taken on a daily basis by all Americans, whether they are sick or not.

“This is a great step forward in eradicating, um, whatever is making people feel sick,” Goncher said. “The drug is covered by all insurance plans and Medicare Part B, so cost for the individual consumer will not be an issue.”

A year’s worth of OrElse, purchased without insurance, would cost approximately $18,000.

“Hey, it’s cheaper than anti-HIV medications, Goncher said. “Let’s look on the bright side.”

When asked by a reporter whether the law requiring all Americans to take the drug “is in keeping with basic civil liberties law,” Goncher replied, “There’s no Constitutional right to be sick. Our attitude is that if you take this new drug, you’re increasing your chances of, um, feeling, you know, good, by at least, um, 53 percent.

“Those were the statistics we used to bribe, I mean, convince Congress, that making the drug mandatory was a good idea,” Goncher added. “And that’s why our secondary marketing tagline is ‘Take it. OrElse.’”