Friday, December 19, 2008

Suck-Ups, Usual Suspects Unite To Praise Kennedy’s Senate Bid

A coalition of suck-ups, toadies, hangers-on, and other usual suspects today announced their firm support for Caroline Kennedy’s bid for the U.S. Senate seat to be vacated in January by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

“She’s the best person for the job,” John Moon told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference. “She can deliver jobs, perquisites, and other tokens of governmental largesse to Kennedy suck-ups better than any other leading political dynasty, and I include specifically the Clintons and the Bushes.”

Moon said that Kennedy’s lack of qualifications for the Senate seat “in no way makes her unqualified. It’s really more like what her late father John F. Kennedy said—‘ask not what Kennedys can do for the State of New York. Instead ask what Kennedys can do for people smart enough and callous enough and cynical enough to jump on a Kennedy bandwagon as soon as it starts to roll out of the station.”

Others, including Hillary Rodham Clinton and Caroline’s late uncle Robert Kennedy, had become Senator of New York “despite an utter, complete lack of connections to the State of New York or its people. Hillary’s from Illinois and Bobby was from Massachusetts. At least Caroline lives here, which makes giving her the Senate seat a little less than a total laydown.”

When reporters asked Moon why he and others were so quick to support a candidate for a high office who had no prior political experience, he replied, “Money. Jobs. Those little badges you can show cops when you’re pulled over for speeding. When your kid gets busted for selling weed, a phone call to the judge. When it comes to doling out the goodies, you’ve got the Kennedys…and then you’ve got everybody else.”

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