With “Big Truck Monthly” And “Apache Artifacts,” Jennifer Aniston Makes Cover Of Every Magazine In America

The January issues of Big Truck Monthly and Apache Artifacts hit the newsstands today with cover stories featuring former Friends star Jennifer Aniston, completing for the actress a clean sweep of every magazine cover in the United States.

“I hadn’t noticed,” Aniston told a hastily assembled Beverly Hills news conference. “I mean, I did see myself on the cover of GQ, Ladies Home Journal, Newsweek, Elle, FHM, Vibe, and about 600 other magazines, but every magazine in the country? I bet even Angelina hasn’t done that.”

Aniston said she had “no specific experience” with the kind of large diesel trucks featured in Big Truck Monthly, and that she neither “owned nor knew anything about any kind of Indian stuff, except for some Hopi crap that Brad gave me on a trip to Santa Fe, that fell apart the week we got back to L.A. My arm is still green from where I wore it.”

Still, Aniston said she was “heartened” by those magazines’ decisions to place her on their covers, thus giving her simultaneous coverage on the front page of every American magazine in every newsstand, coast-to-coast.

“Gaze upon Jennifer,” Aniston told reporters. “Gaze upon Jennifer wearing nothing at all, her knees discreetly blocking her perfect breasts. Gaze upon Jennifer, the ardent symbol for our times of unrequited love, baking cookies on the cover of Woman’s Day and getting ready for monkey sex on the cover of GQ.

“Gaze upon Jennifer and weep,” Aniston added, “and do so especially if thy name is Brad. You cannot escape my visage, for it shines forth from every magazine rack in all 50 states. No stretchmarks on my luscious body, even as I reach my 40th birthday. Gaze, Brad, at me in every pose, wearing every outfit, gaze and realize what you have left behind, left behind forever.”

A spokesman for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who were spending their Christmas holidays in a remote central African village where no American magazines have ever been seen, said that the couple had no comment other than that they “looked forward to reading some new magazines early in the New Year.”