Bush Urges Clemency For Madoff On Grounds That “He Mostly Ripped Off Just Jewish People”

President George W. Bush today promised to pardon disgraced financier Bernie Madoff on grounds that the bulk of the $50 billion he allegedly stole from his clients “belonged to people of the Jewish persuasion.”

Bush told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that Madoff “only ripped off Jews. Okay, there were a couple of Japanese or Korean names on the list, too, that I saw, but basically it was a Hebrew thing start to finish.”

Bush told reporters he was “disappointed” that the Jews, “who have been so smart about, you know, money, since the time of Christ, could have gotten so snookered by one of their own. Look, if Gentiles lost that kind of money, they’d be in trouble. Jews’ll make it back, one way or another.”

The President told reporters that his comments were not to be construed as anti-Semitic “in any manner. I love the Jewish people, and just because they’re going to hell for their bizarre inability to accept our Lord and Savior doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to make a few bucks while they’re here. It’s not like you can put a U-Haul on a hearse and take it with you.”

In the future, the President said, “even Jews have to be a little more careful with where they put their shekels. Do your due diligence, my Israelite brothers. Not just about money. About God, if you catch my drift. You can buy your way into almost everything, but not the Kingdom of Heaven.”