Media Titans Rudely Rebuff Citizen's Request For Return Of Airwaves

An unnamed American citizen, coming upon media titans Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, Barry Diller, John Malone, and Sumner Redstone eating lunch together at a Washington, D.C. restaurant, politely requested the return to the public of the airwaves over which their networks broadcast shows.

His request was rejected.

A spokesman for the media titans, Ed Firestone, told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference that "Although the airwaves technically belong to the people, Messrs. Murdoch, Turner, Diller, Malone, and Redstone are people, too. To demand that they relinquish their ironclad grip on the nation's airwaves would be to deny these five men their Constitutional rights. We are not about to let that happen."

The unnamed American, Firestone said, based his request upon the fact that "The media slant the news, produce vacuous 'entertainment' like Wheel Of Fortune and So You Think You Can Dance, and make billions of dollars from advertising while contributing almost nothing to the nation in exchange for the airwaves.

"We don't deny his point," Firestone said, "but the media titans are not going to give back the airwaves anyway. This country has always been about the protection of minorities, except, of course, for that shameful period lasting approximately 190 years from the founding of the United States until the passage of the Voting Rights Act in 1964.

"Today," Firestone continued, "the smallest minority in America is that of billionaire media titans. I'm sure the government won't sit idly by and allow their rights to be trampled. It's a short step from violating the Constitutional rights of the few to establishing totalitarianism, under which not even media titan billionaires could get to choose what programs appear on the air."

Firestone said that the unnamed American was "polite" to the media titans and waited patiently alongside their table for a moment when all of the media titans had fallen silent before he launched his request.

"Just because someone asks nicely for something doesn't mean he's Constitutionally entitled to it," Firestone pointed out. "I mean, you can't just ask for something as big as the airwaves and just expect it to be handed to you. This is exactly how Hitler got started, and I'm here to say that the power of the media is safely in the hands of the powerful."