Israel, Palestinians Announce New Security Agreement: Every Jew, Arab To Be His Own State

“The two-state solution cannot work,” Ehud Avner and Hassan Khatani, spokespeople for the Jewish and Palestinian peoples told a hastily assembled Jerusalem news conference. “The one-state solution will never work. So we have agreed today to the 11-million state solution. Every Arab and every Jew will be his or her own country, starting now.”

The new peace accord was announced after years of wrangling over processes begun in Oslo, Annapolis, and a small, smoky shashlikh restaurant in the West Bank town of Schchem.

“Nothing else has worked,” Avner and Khatani told reporters. “One state, two state, red state, blue state. Forget about it. So the only thing left is for every Jew and every Arab to be his or her own country. This is the true roadmap to peace.”

According to Avner and Khatani, each Jew and each Arab throughout Israel and territory currently controlled by the Palestinians had the right to “pass his or her own laws, create his or her own currency and postage stamps, and work out diplomatic relations with all the other Jews and Arabs as he or she sees fit.

“It’s how things have always been in the Middle East,” the men told reporters. “Personalities here are too out-sized. Everybody has so many opinions. You can’t reach a consensus. Now you don’t have to, because whoever you are, you are a country. It’s not just one man, one vote. It’s one man, one nation.”

Jews and Arabs were busy late tonight registering the names of their new countries on a special new website created for the purpose, 11MillionStates.com. Popular names of new countries include, on the Jewish side, Shlomo163 and Deuteronomy8:1, and on the Arab side, DeathToIsrael353 and WeKnewIfWeWaitedLongEnoughThey’dCaveIn467.