Monday, December 22, 2008

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, Thirsting For Martyrdom, Confesses To Committing 260 More Crimes

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the highest-ranking al Qaeda operative captured during the War on Terror, told a hastily assembled Guantanamo Bay news conference that he would confess to “anything, simply anything” if only a judge or military tribunal would sign his death warrant.

In recent weeks, KSM, as Mr. Mohammed is colloquially known, has confessed not only to masterminding the Sept. 11 attacks but also “six holdups of a 7-11 in East St. Louis, Missouri, two bank robberies committed on the same day in different states, and stealing the cookie from the cookie jar,” according to reports.

“Please kill me,” a visibly distraught but nicely shaven KSM told reporters. “Throw your tape recorders and laptops at me as hard you can. Yell boo and scare me to death. Anything to attain my desire of martyrdom."

KSM has also told military investigators that he is responsible for the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, the sinking of the Lusitania, and King Saul’s failure to kill the sheep of his enemy as recounted in the First Book of Samuel.

“Yes, I did it, I did everything,” the one time al Qaeda leader told reporters. “I will continue to confess until I am finally granted the privilege of surrending my life for my cause.”

A spokesman for the FBI said that KSM would be sentenced to death eventually, “but not before we clean up the books on a few thousand more crimes. He’s the best thing to happen to FBI statistics since the pocket calculator.”

No comments: