Embattled Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich today told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference that he knew he would be cleared of all wrongdoing because of the thickness and exceptionally lustrous quality of his hair.
“This is not the hair of a felon,” Gov. Blagojevich said, inviting reporters to feel his luxurious, soft, perfectly barbed hair. “This is the hair of an innocent man. In fact, America has not seen such beautiful hair on a man since the 1970s and Warren Beatty.”
Blagojevich said that he fully expected his hair to lead to “complete exoneration. I mean, look at the way it falls across my forehead so naturally, in such a boyish yet masculine and responsible way. This is the hair of a winner. This is the hair that the citizens of Illinois have come to trust.”
When reporters asked Blagojevich why he thought his hair would protect him from criminal prosecution for his alleged attempt to sell the Illinois U.S. Senate seat for cash or jobs, he pointed to the examples of Gary Hart, Bill Clinton, and John F. Kennedy.
“Each of these men did things far worse than I did,” Blagojevich said, although he did not elaborate on the specifics of their alleged crimes. “And they got away with everything. I feel that my hair is a magic talisman that can protect me from all evildoers and U.S. attorneys.”
Blagojevich also pointed to former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson as another man “whose hair has pulled him through to safety. I mean, how did that guy get a career as a network sportscaster without that beautifully coiffed leonine mane of hair? Hey, maybe he’d like to be Senator. That is, if the price is right.”
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