Straight People Will Stage Own Oscars, To Be Called “Waynies”

Ed Hookstratton, a spokesman for the heterosexual community, told a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference that straight people were “tired of having our lifestyles minimized and marginalized on Oscar night” and would conduct their own movie award ceremony, which they will call the “Waynies.”

Hookstratton told reporters that heterosexuals were “a large majority with serious spending power that the Hollywood studios needed to take more notice of. The Waynies is our attempt to say, ‘Where are our stories? Why can’t we go to the movies and see our lifestyles depicted without shame or embarrassment?’”

The Waynies, named for pioneering heterosexual actor John Wayne, will be an evening honoring films “that tell the positive side of straight culture,” Hookstratton promised. “I mean, there’s more to us than procreating, bowling, and going to war. We’re individuals, and we want to be seen for more than our sexuality and our social habits.”

Hookstratton admitted that heterosexuals have “all but fallen off Hollywood’s radar in recent years. I mean, Brokeback Mountain and Milk and movies like that took us all by surprise. We all went and took our wives. We’re not saying we don’t want less gay-themed stuff. We just want to have a chance to see a couple on a movie screen and say, ‘They look like us.’”

Hookstratton said that the Waynies would take place “the night before the Oscars, so people can have a choice of straight- or gay-themed Best Picture, Best Actress, and so on. We won’t be handing out technical awards because that kind of transcends sexuality. We’re just saying we’re here, we’re not very loud, we’re not even all that proud, but darn it, we just want to have movies that we can take our kids to and not spend the whole drive home explaining.”

The name the “Waynies,” Hookstratton told reporters, came from an online contest at a straight-themed website “that also attracted some crossover voting from the gay community, which was fine with us.

“Their first choice for our awards night was the Breeder’s Cup, but we found out that the horse people had already taken that name already. My sense is that Breeder’s Cup was an inside joke of some sort, but straight people can take a joke. Well, at least some of us can, anyway.”