Facebook Defends Right To Know Absolutely Everything, And I Mean Everything, About Its Members

Facebook has a right to know absolutely everything about its members, even information its members do not choose to place online, a spokesman told a hastily assembled Chicago, Illinois news conference.

"Our user agreement has a special provision," Facebook spokesman Arnold Greengrocer told reporters, "that gives us permission to follow our members through the GPS tracking systems in their cell phones and cars. We're seeing who is hanging out with whom, and where, and we're posting it on our site."

Greengrocer said that members "who have nothing to hide have nothing to worry about. For example, if you're married, and we determine that your cell phone and your wife's cell phone are at the same coordinates, and we post that information, you shouldn't be concerned. But if you're having an affair, you should expect that we will post that information, including when and where and how long you are together."

Greengrocer said that the purpose of the GPS search feature was to "help people recognize that they need to live their lives in a more moral, upright fashion. If you live your life so that you don't have to worry about what appears on Facebook, then you'll be okay. If not, well, nobody forced you to post your stuff on our site, and no one forced you to sign our terms of service.

"Did we mention that we will keep this information forever?" Greengrocer added. "By the way, if you miss your regular AA meeting, we'll post that, too. Our new slogan: 'Facebook. Because we can.'"

Adam Corolla Spotted At 405 On-Ramp With Sign, "Will Talk For Food"

Former KLSX morning man Adam Corolla was spotted by motorists at the southbound Santa Monica Boulevard entrance to the 405 freeway in West Los Angeles, panhandling while carrying a hand-lettered sign reading "Will Talk For Food."

Corolla and the rest of the KLSX now-defunct talk radio lineup were fired in mid-February amid slumping ad revenues and declining ratings.

"I didn't manage my money well," Corolla told a hastily assembled Los Angeles news conference after video of his panhandling had been posted on YouTube. "I thought the money would keep pouring in forever, even though the show was only marginally funny and listeners were deserting us like rats jumping off a sinking ship."

Corolla told reporters that he had "no career prospects" after his annoying putdowns of everyone in Hollywood who "might have employed me had I not been so snotty and self-aggrandizing."

Corolla said that panhandling was "humiliating," but it did "offer much more dignity than being paired by management with Danny Bonaduce. That should have been the writing on the wall for me. If only I'd put something in a money market fund. Can any of you guys lend me cabfare home?"

Brady Suffers Groin Injury On Wedding Night; Matt Cassell Steps In

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a groin pull on his wedding night with Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, necessitating his backup, Matt Cassell, to enter his hotel room and complete the honeymoon in his place.

"Matt was standing outside our room with a clipboard," Brady told a hastily assembled Santa Monica, California news conference, "as he has for practically every night of my relationship with Gisele. And when I went down with the groin pull, he was there to step in and take charge."

Brady told reporters that the groin pull "just kind of happened. Gisele and I were warming up, and all of a sudden I felt a sudden sharp pain and that was that."

Brady said he expected to be out of action for "two to three weeks" and that Cassell would "fill in" until then.

"That's why you have a backup," Brady said. "The game must go on."

Obama Says CIA Can't Remember Purpose Of Afghan War

"No one knows why we're there, who we're fighting, or how to tell if we've won," President Barack Obama today told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. "The people at CIA say that all the people who remember why we went to war there have all retired. They think it had something to do with 9/11."

Obama told reporters that "While the CIA can't remember what exactly the war in Afghanistan is all about, they say that it's probably important that we stay and fight. But they don't know who we should be fighting. I think some people with turbans or something."

Obama said that "everybody at CIA is very enthusiastic about the war, even though no one in Afghanistan seems to know anything about 9/11. They don't even know where New York City is on a map.

"So we'll stay and fight until someone remembers why we're fighting. I'm sure there's a very good reason."

Golfer Tim Clark Apologizes For Beating Woods

South African golfer Tim Clark today delivered a tearful apology to an angry, hasily assembled Phoenix news conference for defeating Tiger Woods, 3 and 2, in the ongoing Accenture match play tournament.

"I got so caught up in my round that I forgot to lose," Clark admitted. "[PGA Commissioner Tim] Finchem had visited me in my hotel room prior to the match and reminded me that my job was to lose--maybe to keep it close if I could, but basically to lose. And I forgot."

Clark said that a furious Finchem had berated him in the scoring tent after the round and threatened to revoke his Tour card unless he disqualified himself, penalized himself enough strokes to lose the match, or fail to sign his scorecard, which would be grounds for defeat.

"I was so upset by what Mr. Finchem said," Clark explained, through tears, "that I didn't have the composure to take any of the, um, suggestions he offered. I signed my scorecard, which was accurate, and I guess that was it for Tiger."

Without Woods in the weekend matches, Clark told reporters, "watching the rest of us play golf is like watching paint dry. I'm sure the ratings will go right into the toilet."

Clark said that he was "too distraught" to play any more rounds over the weekend and planned to spend his time "getting drunk as a skunk with John Daly, that is, if I can find him. America, you wanted to spend the weekend watching Tiger. I [messed] up. Forgive me if you can."

Recession Means 15 NBA Teams Will Play Only 4 Players At A Time

NBA Commissioner David Stern today told a hastily assembled New York news conference that 15 teams were having so much financial difficulties that they were only going to be able to field four players at a time.

“Four on five can still be a good game,” Stern told reporters. “It’s like when you’re on the playground and you have an odd number of kids who want to play ball, except it’s the NBA.”

Stern said that in addition to borrowing $175 million to help the teams meet their operating costs, the 15 unspecified teams would reduce expenses further by having only four players on the court at once and reduce rosters to seven players.

“When you have only four players, you have fewer uniforms to wash, fewer socks to purchase, fewer expenses of all kinds,” Stern explained. “In this economy, we have to do everything we can to save money.”

Stern said that when teams starting four players were playing teams starting five players, “We’ll give the team four players an extra three or four points a quarter, to keep things fair.”

Stern said that the NBA would also attempt to save money by “not replacing the net on the basketball hoops, using basketballs longer, and eliminating referees and having players call fouls on themselves, like tennis players do.”

Fans will “get used to four on five, or four on four,” Stern promised. “There’s nothing magical about five on five. If the economy keeps going south, we may reduce rosters further and only play one-on-one.”

Obama Admits He Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Doing

President Barack Obama today admitted to a hastily assembled West Wing news conference that "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" but that "I expect that somehow things will work out all right."

Obama told reporters he watched footage of Hillary Clinton "hanging out in Asia and for a minute I was envious. She doesn't have to solve the economy, health care, or the war in Iraq. If anything goes wrong, she can just blame me. She's got a much better deal than I have."

Obama also said that Vice President Joe Biden "has a big mouth, but not everything he says is complete nonsense or plagiarism. Who knows if this whole stimulus deal will work? Socialism doesn't exactly have a stellar track record."

The President said he was "saddened" by the continuing collapse of the stock market since he took office. "Can't they control that thing?" he asked reporters. "Does anyone realize what happened to the value of my IRA? I may just have to write another book just to make up for what we've lost."

Obama said that he would announce plans to resolve health care, the War in Iraq, the environment, and the Middle East, "but to be honest, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with any of those topics, either."

Obama Urges Americans To Read Last Year's Business Pages

"If you squint, 2008 and 2009 look a lot alike," President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled White House news conference. "I urge all Americans to stop reading today's newspapers, which are depressing, and instead read the business sections of last year's papers, which are uplifting."

Obama said that stock tables a year ago would remind people of "what it was like to have lots of money, a secure retirement, and a comfortable nest egg." He urged Americans to "invest in the future but live in the past, because it's much more enjoyable."

"Even I don't have job security," Obama reminded reporters. "I could be out of here in less than four years. Granted, I make a larger salary than most Americans and I'll be able to make gazillions doing the speaking trail blazed by my predecessors, especially President Clinton.

"But the average American should take heart in the fact that last year's newspapers, which are available online and at your public library, will make you feel rich again--maybe almost as rich as I'm going to be either four or eight years from today."

Obama Nationalizes MLB, NFL, NBA, and NASCAR

In a surprise move today, President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference that he was nationalizing Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, and NASCAR, in an effort to stimulate the struggling U.S. economy.

"These sports make billions every year," Obama said. "I'd like to see those billions be channeled away from the athletes and team owners, who already have a lot of money, to our struggling auto makers, subprime lenders, and banks. If you've already got the crib and the bling, and the DHFM, you don't need any more money. Working families do."

DHFM stands for Dream House For Mother, according to sources familiar with the matter.

When reporters questioned the constitutionality of nationalizing four major sports leagues, Obama threatened to nationalize the newspapers they work for.

"I would have nationalized the newspapers sooner," Obama admitted, "but they don't have any money left. As long as they don't criticize my Administration, they can remain open for as long as they like."

When asked whether he would nationalize the National Hockey League, the President acknowledged that he was surprised to learn it was still in existence.

"I've been busy," the President admitted.

Roland Burris Wins Best Political Actor Oscar: Some Suspect Fix

Embattled Illinois Senator Roland Burris will win the Oscar for Best Political Actor at tonight's Academy Awards, host Hugh Jackman announced at a hastily assembled Hollywood news conference.

"It's his convincing performance as the innocent politician that put him over the top," Jackman told reporters. "We're letting the world know in advance, because a lot of people will want to see his acceptance speech live."

Jackman said that the Academy members were "deeply impressed" by Burris's ability to convince the voters of Illinois, the media, and the entire U.S. Senate that he wasn't involved in a pay-for-play scheme to raise funds for embattled former Illinois Governor Rod Blagajovich, until he revealed that he was.

"That's drama," Jackman said admiringly. "That's acting. That's show biz. He narrowly edged out Hillary Clinton's fake tears after losing New Hampshire, Sarah Palin's highly admirable impression of an actual politician, and President Obama's assurances that he can save the economy. It was a great category, and we look forward to more political posturing in the coming year."

Raiders Give Asomugha $45M On Condition He Changes His Name To Something People Can Actually Pronounce

The Oakland Raiders today gave starting All Pro cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha a $45 million contract, making him the highest paid player in the NFL, on the condition that he changes his name to “Nate Summers” or “Danny Majors.”

“We love the way he plays,” Raiders owner Al Davis told a hastily assembled Oakland, California news conference. “But the man is a typographical error waiting to happen.”

Davis told reporters, “People will think we can’t spell our own players’ names. So we wanted him to have a more fan-friendly name. We got him and his agent down to Nate Summers or Danny Majors. It’s their call.”

Davis said that he didn’t want people to think he was “insensitive” to different cultures or communities. “My name is Davis,” Davis said. “It’s not something that people in our culture can’t pronounce. For 45 million, I just want someone I can say, ‘Way to go, Nate,’ or Way to go, Danny.’ Is that too much to ask?”

The good thing about his current name, Davis said, is that “the anagram of his name, Nnamdi Asomugha, is ‘A Madman Housing’ and also ‘A Hangman Mimosa.’ And ‘Hand Mom iguanas.’ If he’d change his name to any of those, I’d double the deal.”

Judge Declares Inadmissible Barry Bonds' Left Buttock

Less than two weeks before the start of home run king Barry Bonds' trial on perjury charges, federal trial judge Judge Susan Illston declared "inadmissible on grounds of hearsay" Bonds' left buttock, which prosecutors had hoped to introduce as evidence before the jury.

"Bonds' left buttock must be ignored by the jury," Judge Illston wrote, in a hastily delivered memorandum of law. "I don't care how pockmarked it might be with needle pricks. His left buttock is not evidence that will be admitted at trial."

The controversial home run king faces charges of perjury for lying to a grand jury about his alleged steroid use during his baseball career.

"Now, his right buttock," Judge Illston added, "that's got 'guilty' written all over it. If you're the prosecutor and you want to bring Bonds' right buttock into court, I'm with you all the way."

The Judge did not elaborate on her rationale for denying the admission into evidence of one buttock but not the other. Legal experts speculate that since the person who injected Bonds was most likely right-handed, needle marks on the left buttock may not be probative.

"If this were China or Cuba," the Judge wrote, "both buttocks would be admitted into court. But in the United States, our legal system has protections in place for certain parts of the body, and the prosecutor has failed to make a case for bringing Bonds' left buttock before the jury.

"But his right buttock cheek?" the Judge asked rhetorically. "Guilty. Guilty as hell, all the way."

A-Rod Promises Yankees He'll Only Juice In Postseason

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez today told a hastily assembled closed-door players only meeting that he would "only juice during the postseason, when my numbers have been really bad."

A-Rod told his teammates at Steinbrenner Field in Tampa that he was "sorry" that he had cycled off steroids during August and September, when testing is most frequent, and that he would now start cycling "after Labor Day, so we can win the Big One."

A-Rod insisted that his cousin, "Agujas," Spanish for "Needles," would continue to inject him with "Whatever he has lying around the house. Horse steroids, botox, anything to make me play better."

The controversial third baseman reportedly told his teammates that thanks to the Players Union, he would "never be tested until maybe December," by which time the Yankees would have been crowned World Champions for the 27th time.

"I love my teammates so much I will take it up the butt from my cousin twice a week forever if it helps us win," Rodriguez reportedly said, and then he quickly qualified his words to mean that he would accept steroid injections and nothing else in that part of his All-Star anatomy.

New Grisham Novel Reveals Lawyers Are Bad

"If you ever suspected lawyers were bad," bestselling author John Grisham told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference, "wait 'til you read my new novel. Then you'll know."

Grisham's latest legal thriller, The Associate, makes clear that lawyers are indeed bad. They charge excessive fees, cheat on their billing records, milk cases for millions of dollars, and are mean to subordinates, Grisham revealed.

"Lawyers are very bad, indeed," Grisham told reporters. "It is my life's work to reveal their badness to the American public, which seems to forget from one novel of mine to the next just how bad lawyers are.

"This badness must be public knowledge," Grisham insisted. "If the American public is not fully aware of just how bad lawyers are, well, I don't know what to say."

Grisham also reveals in his newest book that wealthy people can have bad habits, that college students have sex, and that innocent people can be taken advantage of by bad people, at least for a while.

Burris Resigns From Senate; Appoints Blagojovech To Fill His Seat

Illinois Senator Roland Burris resigned today, appointing former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to fill his seat.

“Governor Blagojevich is the best man for the job,” former Senator Burris told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference. “He is experienced and is available immediately for the job. In fact, I swore him in to my former seat at six this morning.”

Former Senator Burris has acknowledged conversations about raising funds for then-Governor Blagojevich as a quid pro quo for appointment to the Senate, although he says he ultimately turned down the request to raise money.

“No cash has been exchanged in this transaction,” former Senator Burris told reporters. “I have to go now. There’s my new Lexus with a widescreen TV in the back seat and some gold bars and season tickets to the Cubs in the trunk. There’s nothing like public service to make a man feel good about himself. I might just run for governor myself some day, if the price is right.”

Dan Patrick Does Entire Radio Show Without Mentioning Sports

Dan Patrick, morning host of a syndicated Fox Sports radio program, surprised some listeners Monday by performing his entire 3-hour broadcast without mentioning professional or college sports even once.

"It's a first in sports broadcasting," Fox Sports spokesman Eric Von Braethard told a hastily assembled New York news conference. "Three hours talking only about yourself? We think it's a record. Of some sort."

Patrick began the show with a discussion of his taste in Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, which lasted almost 45 minutes. He then discussed at length his golf game, including two rounds he completed at Augusta at 40 and 41, which took listeners more than 20 minutes into the second hour of the broadcast.

Patrick then continued to voice his opinions about attractive women broadcasters, whom he referred to as "shorties with headsets", making repeated use of "lingo the kids use," Von Braethard said. "He was keeping it real."

The broadcast then turned to a discussion of people Patrick did not like, in the areas of sports and politics, including a lengthy diatribe against his former employer, ESPN, for unspecified grievances, a topic that took the rest of the second hour and most of the third.

In the final segment, Patrick, who also pens an equally self-referential column for Sports Illustrated, returned to his original topic of his penchant for Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, the kind of beer he likes, his childhood, his ability to dunk over taller broadcasters, and other topics not related to any of the controversies currently swirling around the sports world.

"We saw it as remarkable restraint that he didn't pile on A-Rod," Von Braethard told reporters. "We also saw it as a sign of dignity that he didn't make jokes about Lance Armstrong's stolen time trial bicycle, the inability of the Dodgers to lure Manny Ramirez for untold millions, or any of the other timely sports-related stories that are being discussed diligently on other sports talk shows."

The poll question, regarding whether Patrick should continue his ongoing obsession with married SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker, received "well over 87 responses," Von Braethard said.

Patrick ended his show Monday by berating his sycophantic, anonymous cohosts for not being sycophantic enough and for spilling some of Patrick's beer on Patrick's perfectly tailored $4,000 suit, which Patrick said was selected for him by "none other than Brooklyn Decker herself."

LeBron Voted "Dullest Superstar Ever" By Fellow NBA Athletes, Reporters, Fans

NBA forward LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers was voted "Dullest Superstar Ever" by a special committee of NBA athletes, reporters and fans, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced at a hastily assembled Phoenix, Arizona news conference.

James received the DSE award for his lackluster personality, unmemorable TV commercials, lack of drama or even interest in his personal life, and workmanlike but uninspiring world-class level of play, at a special half-time ceremony at the NBA All-Star Game Sunday night.

"I would like to thank the fans for acknowledging that I am the dullest superstar ever," James told the crowd at the nationally televised game, although most of the crowd missed the speech, since they were standing in line for beer and popcorn at the concession stands ringing the arena.

A special tribute to James's life, posted on YouTube and featuring no championship rings, no TV ads that had entered the public consciousness, and no intriguing nicknames, girlfriends, or altercations outside bars or strip clubs, had attracted 11viewers, most of them from James' family, as of last night.

"I can't think of a better choice for this award," Commissioner Stern told reporters. "In fact, I can't think of a single thing that stands out about James, aside from the fact that he plays basketball well. So do a lot of guys. Why am I here?"

Burris Admits He Bought Illinois Senate Seat On eBay

Illinois Sen. Roland Burriss today admitted to Senate investigators that he bought his seat on eBay, after a tip from an aide to former Illinois Governor Rod Blagoyavitch that the seat would be listed on the online auction website.

"I used the Buy It Now function," Burriss told investigators at a hastily assembled Senate investigation. "I paid $11,535 for the seat. It's mine and you can't take it away from me. On eBay, a contract is a contract."

Burriss said that a Blago aide had telephoned him late on a Saturday night that the seat "would become available, in a discreet listing on eBay Motors, around 2 a.m. Sunday morning, when most other Senatorial contenders were sleeping.

"He said that if I bought the seat on eBay, it would be mine, period, end of story," Burriss said.

"If we don't have faith and trust in eBay," Burriss added, "how are we to trust any aspect of the U.S. economy? The governor has every right to dispose of the seat as he sees fit. And he saw fit to dispose it to me."

The Senate seat was actually listed as an "accessory" to Gov. Blagoyovitch's 1997 Volvo Station Wagon, which was listed on the auction website as having 135,000 miles, new tires, a new alternator and a new battery.

"I suppose anyone who bought the car would have been the Senator," Burriss mused. "But I've got both the Volvo and the position in the Senate."

Burriss said that when Gov. Blagoyovitch brought him the pink slip for the car, Burriss tipped him "a hundred fifty thousand in cash. I mean, a tip for dropping off the car was in order. It was a few miles out of the Governor's way, and it did take place at three in the morning."

Saudis Name First Woman Minister; Promptly Stone Her To Death

Saudi Arabia took a major step forward for women's rights by today naming the first-ever woman minister in the kingdom and then took a major step forward for stoners' rights by allowing her to be stoned to death on her first day on the job.

"We must walk a line between moderates and hard-liners," Abdul Al-Aziz, a spokesman for the Saudi government, told a hastily assembled Riyadh news conference. "By choosing a woman minister, we appeal to the moderates. By having her stoned to death, we appeal to the hard-liners. We think we satisfied both constituencies today."

The name of the female minister, who was to have been in charge of education, has been withheld pending notification of her family by the proper authorities.

Biden: “I’ll Stick To Plagiarizing From Now On”

Vice President Joe Biden, called to task for his comment that the Obama administration’s economic recovery program has a 30% chance of failure, has promised “to return to plagiarizing other people’s speeches from now on.”

“Every time I open my mouth with an original thought,” Biden told a hastily assembled Washington, D.C. news conference, “all I do is change feet. So from now on, I will resume my prior practice of plagiarizing speeches from leaders around the globe.”

Biden got into trouble in the 1988 Presidential campaign when a Michael Dukakis operative revealed that Biden had plagiarized from a speech by British politician Neil Kinnock.

When a reporter asked whether Biden got into “hot water” with President Obama for his off-the-cuff remarks, Biden said, “In the words of the great French leader Francois Mitterand, ‘Non comment.”

A-Rod Tests Negative For Personality Enhancement

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez shows no sign of personality enhancement, according to a Harvard-educated team of psychologists, behavior experts, and media trainers.

“What you see is what you get,” Timothy Rashburn, a Harvard Professor Of Sports Psychology, told a hastily assembled Cambridge, Massachusetts news conference. “After extensive interviews and research, we could find no evidence whatsoever of personality enhancement. He is what he claims to be—a baseball player with a lot of money.”

Rashburn told reporters that the Major League Baseball Players Association had brought his team to spend a week interviewing and examining Rodriguez, in order to refute rumors that he might have engaged in some sort of personality enhancement prior to the 2003 season.

“He was the same guy in 2002 that he was in 2003 or 2009 for that matter,” Rashburn said. “I’m sure he’s a terrific person, other than leaving his wife for an aging rock star and an inability to perform clutch hitting in the postseason. But as for personality enhancement in any way, shape, or form, we couldn’t detect it.”

Rodriguez may be asked to testify before Congress as to whether his personality was enhanced in order to justify a record baseball contract of $250 million.

“He’s in the clear,” Rashburn said. “I don’t mean he used ‘The Clear.’ I mean, you can search the man for any evidence of personality, and he’ll always test negative. You can take that to the bank.”

Caroline Kennedy Ended Senate Bid Due To Salvadoran Housekeeper Chained In Attic

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for the U.S. Senate seat from New York vacated by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton when it became known that she had a Salvardoran cleaning woman chained to the attic of her East Side townhouse.

"I am current on all of my nanny taxes," Kennedy told reporters at a hastily arranged Manhattan news conference, "but it is true that I do keep Esmerelda chained to a post near her bed, where she can do the laundry and cooking but she can't get out of the house."

Kennedy explained that "In New York it's hard to find or keep good help. Esmerelda is happy to have the job and never complains about the fact that she hasn't seen daylight since 1986. She loves our whole family."

Kennedy said that she had kept "current with all taxes on Esmerelda, in case I ever pursued a political career. She's a legal immigrant and we take out for Social Security and everything else. I never realized that voters might be offended by the fact that she's chained up in our attic. I mean, a lot of people in Manhattan do this. Why people are singling me out, I don't know. I never knew that politics was so...you know. So hardball."

Esmerelda could not be reached for comment.

Obama Puts Unemployed Contractors To Work Dismantling Foreclosed Shopping Centers, Big Box Stores

President Obama today signed Presidential Order 82351, creating a jobs program for building contractors who have lost their jobs due to the collapse of the housing market. The contractors will be paid to tear down what the President turned foreclosed shopping malls, big box stores, and other examples of “the overbuilding of America.”

“There are just way too many stores, shopping malls, big box stores, and other commercial real estate projects destroying the landscape,” President Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference. “And at the same time, we have millions of unemployed contractors, electricians, carpenters, and other workers.

“So by this Executive Order,” Obama said, “I have created 2.3 million government jobs for those people to tear down the unnecessary stores, malls, and other blights on the landscape, and restore those locations to their original pristine nature, or just empty lots, or whatever they were before they were built on.”

Obama said that the program, which would cost “approximately half a billion dollars,” was a “down payment” on the “re-greening of America. Our nation has too many stores, not enough shoppers, and too many builders out of work. So let’s tear these stores down and create some new green spaces and parks.

“Can we tear down all these stores in a somewhat socialistic yet environmentally acceptable fashion?” the President asked rhetorically. “Yes, we can.”

Oprah Admits She Weighs 400 Lbs; Changing Name To “Opera”

“It’s the economy, stupid,” Oprah Winfrey today told a hastily assembled Chicago news conference when asked about her rapid weight gain over the past six months. “The more my net worth drops, the more my net weight increases. The stock market is making me crazy.”

Winfrey said that she, like many investors, had been “badly hit” by the plummeting Dow-Jones Industrial Average during Fall, 2008.

“I had my money in Apple and Google,” she told reporters. “But lately it’s all going into M&Ms.”

Since Winfrey had developed the girth of a soprano at the Lyric or the Met,” she said, “I might as well change my name. So from now, just call me Opera. Um, you in the front row, eating the Snickers bar…you gonna finish that?”

Heroic US Air Pilot Charged With Cruelty To Animals

Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, the heroic captain of doomed USAir flight 1549, which he landed safely in the Hudson River, was charged today with mistreatment of animals after FAA and Audubon Society officials determined that his jet sucked six bald eagles and a protected species of cormorant into its engines after takeoff from LaGuardia Airport.

“You can’t kill birds and get away with it, not in this town,” said Assistant U.S. Attorney Ed Bamberger told a hastily assembled Lower Manhattan news conference.

The penalty for killing bald eagles and protected cormorants, Bamberger said, is up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $125,000.

“He may be a hero to some,” Bamberger told reporters, “but to us he’s just another bird killer. And we’re going to throw the book at him.”

In a related story, US Air announced it would provide 6 SkyMiles to each passenger, since that was the actual distance the jet flew from La Guardia Airport to its landing in the Hudson off Lower Manhattan.

Michael Phelps: “I Thought I Was Taking HGH”

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps told a hastily assembled Manhattan news conference that when he posed for a photo while taking drugs, he thought the drug he was taking was human growth hormone.

“I would never take marijuana,” he told reporters. “That would set a bad example to young people. But HGH is really cool, and I couldn’t have set these records in the Olympics without it.”

Phelps said that “making a youthful error like smoking pot in front of a camera is something I would never do. On the other hand, I need to tell everyone that they can swim faster or compete better in any sport with HGH. I thought that’s what I was inhaling at that party.

“It turns out that you can’t inhale HGH,” Phelps said. “That was my youthful mistake. So I urge the youth of America, if they want to swim like me, to know what they’re snorting or inhaling, if they want to get bigger, faster, or stronger. And whatever they do, don’t take anything when someone’s taking pictures.”

Clintons Voluntarily Cap Ex-Presidential Speaking Income At $65 Million A Year

“We’ll have to cut some corners in our family budget,” former U.S. President Bill Clinton told a hastily assembled Taipei news conference. “But Hillary and I have decided to limit the amount of income we will earn each year from speaking engagements with governments whose interests are often hostile to our own at $65 million.”

Clinton’s action took place one day after President Barack Obama capped banking executives’ salaries at $500,000 if their banks were receiving bailout money.

“In this economy,” Clinton told reporters, “we’ve all got to tighten our belts. If the bankers can get by on 500K, then Hillary and I will have to make do somehow with the $65 million.

“To paraphrase our wonderful new President, can we find the personal courage to turn down tens of additional millions of dollars in speaking fees from shady governments and foreign business people seeking to buy influence by paying us millions just to show up for an hour, make a speech, and do some ‘grip and grins’? Yes, we can!”

Success Of “Bikini Girl” On American Idol Prompts Depression, Soul Searching

The advancing of Katrina "Bikini Girl "Darrell on American Idol has prompted a national orgy of soul searching, self-examination, and meditation unlike practically anything in American history, according to experts.

“We haven’t seen anything like this since the Challenger disaster, or maybe even the assassination of JFK,” Furman Jobright, chair of the National Organization of Therapists and Spiritual Advisors today told a hastily assembled Omaha, Nebraska news conference.

“People are shaken up,” Jobright said. “How could a woman in heels and a bikini, who can’t even sing that well, shake up the legitimate talent search processes of American Idol? It’s like telling children that there’s no such thing as the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.”

Jobright told reporters that Americans have been turning to therapy, meditation, and “in certain cases, narcotics” in an effort to cope with the loss of meaning that Darrell’s early success on the program has triggered.

“I don’t even think the collapse of the economy has people as upset, and turning as inward, as this unfortunate situation,” Jobright said. “We’ve been instructing our therapists on what parents can tell children, and what we adults can tell ourselves. I’m sure some good will come of this, and we’ll be a stronger nation because we’ll have fought through the disillusionment that the Bikini Girl has caused.”

Manny Ramirez Turns Down New Dodgers Offer Of $375 Million For One Game

“It’s an insult,” agent Scott Boras today told a hastily assembled Chavez Ravine news conference. “I won’t stand for an offer that does not properly value my client’s services. Manny Ramirez is one of the greatest players of the era. I’m still waiting for the Dodgers to get serious about him.”

Boras told reporters that the Dodgers had to “get their act together” and “negotiate in good faith” if they wanted to see “dreadlocks in pinstripes” when Spring Training started.

A spokesman for the Dodgers, asked whether he thought that Boras was expecting too much for a player of Ramirez’s caliber, offered a terse “no comment.”

Obama Restores All Homes To 2004 Values

President Obama today signed Presidential Order 15207, restoring all single-family homes to their 2004 values.

“With one stroke of a pen,” the President told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference, “I have solved the housing crisis by mandating that all houses are worth today what they were worth five years ago. I’d like to congratulate myself on this bold effort and I look forward to solving health care by declaring that all Americans feel terrific.”

Kurt Warner Loses Super Bowl, Faith In God

“I can’t believe He did this to me,” losing Super Bowl quarterback Kurt Warner told a hastily assembled Phoenix, Arizona news conference. “I mean, I can understand the Holocaust, illness and disease, and suicide bombers in the Middle East and everything. But how could he let me lose in the last 35 seconds? I mean, that could cost me the Hall of Fame. I’m done with God, church, everything. Thank you.”