Raiders Give Asomugha $45M On Condition He Changes His Name To Something People Can Actually Pronounce

The Oakland Raiders today gave starting All Pro cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha a $45 million contract, making him the highest paid player in the NFL, on the condition that he changes his name to “Nate Summers” or “Danny Majors.”

“We love the way he plays,” Raiders owner Al Davis told a hastily assembled Oakland, California news conference. “But the man is a typographical error waiting to happen.”

Davis told reporters, “People will think we can’t spell our own players’ names. So we wanted him to have a more fan-friendly name. We got him and his agent down to Nate Summers or Danny Majors. It’s their call.”

Davis said that he didn’t want people to think he was “insensitive” to different cultures or communities. “My name is Davis,” Davis said. “It’s not something that people in our culture can’t pronounce. For 45 million, I just want someone I can say, ‘Way to go, Nate,’ or Way to go, Danny.’ Is that too much to ask?”

The good thing about his current name, Davis said, is that “the anagram of his name, Nnamdi Asomugha, is ‘A Madman Housing’ and also ‘A Hangman Mimosa.’ And ‘Hand Mom iguanas.’ If he’d change his name to any of those, I’d double the deal.”