Dan Patrick Does Entire Radio Show Without Mentioning Sports

Dan Patrick, morning host of a syndicated Fox Sports radio program, surprised some listeners Monday by performing his entire 3-hour broadcast without mentioning professional or college sports even once.

"It's a first in sports broadcasting," Fox Sports spokesman Eric Von Braethard told a hastily assembled New York news conference. "Three hours talking only about yourself? We think it's a record. Of some sort."

Patrick began the show with a discussion of his taste in Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, which lasted almost 45 minutes. He then discussed at length his golf game, including two rounds he completed at Augusta at 40 and 41, which took listeners more than 20 minutes into the second hour of the broadcast.

Patrick then continued to voice his opinions about attractive women broadcasters, whom he referred to as "shorties with headsets", making repeated use of "lingo the kids use," Von Braethard said. "He was keeping it real."

The broadcast then turned to a discussion of people Patrick did not like, in the areas of sports and politics, including a lengthy diatribe against his former employer, ESPN, for unspecified grievances, a topic that took the rest of the second hour and most of the third.

In the final segment, Patrick, who also pens an equally self-referential column for Sports Illustrated, returned to his original topic of his penchant for Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, the kind of beer he likes, his childhood, his ability to dunk over taller broadcasters, and other topics not related to any of the controversies currently swirling around the sports world.

"We saw it as remarkable restraint that he didn't pile on A-Rod," Von Braethard told reporters. "We also saw it as a sign of dignity that he didn't make jokes about Lance Armstrong's stolen time trial bicycle, the inability of the Dodgers to lure Manny Ramirez for untold millions, or any of the other timely sports-related stories that are being discussed diligently on other sports talk shows."

The poll question, regarding whether Patrick should continue his ongoing obsession with married SI swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker, received "well over 87 responses," Von Braethard said.

Patrick ended his show Monday by berating his sycophantic, anonymous cohosts for not being sycophantic enough and for spilling some of Patrick's beer on Patrick's perfectly tailored $4,000 suit, which Patrick said was selected for him by "none other than Brooklyn Decker herself."