In a surprise move today, President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled Rose Garden news conference that he was nationalizing Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, and NASCAR, in an effort to stimulate the struggling U.S. economy.
"These sports make billions every year," Obama said. "I'd like to see those billions be channeled away from the athletes and team owners, who already have a lot of money, to our struggling auto makers, subprime lenders, and banks. If you've already got the crib and the bling, and the DHFM, you don't need any more money. Working families do."
DHFM stands for Dream House For Mother, according to sources familiar with the matter.
When reporters questioned the constitutionality of nationalizing four major sports leagues, Obama threatened to nationalize the newspapers they work for.
"I would have nationalized the newspapers sooner," Obama admitted, "but they don't have any money left. As long as they don't criticize my Administration, they can remain open for as long as they like."
When asked whether he would nationalize the National Hockey League, the President acknowledged that he was surprised to learn it was still in existence.
"I've been busy," the President admitted.
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