Less than two weeks before the start of home run king Barry Bonds' trial on perjury charges, federal trial judge Judge Susan Illston declared "inadmissible on grounds of hearsay" Bonds' left buttock, which prosecutors had hoped to introduce as evidence before the jury.
"Bonds' left buttock must be ignored by the jury," Judge Illston wrote, in a hastily delivered memorandum of law. "I don't care how pockmarked it might be with needle pricks. His left buttock is not evidence that will be admitted at trial."
The controversial home run king faces charges of perjury for lying to a grand jury about his alleged steroid use during his baseball career.
"Now, his right buttock," Judge Illston added, "that's got 'guilty' written all over it. If you're the prosecutor and you want to bring Bonds' right buttock into court, I'm with you all the way."
The Judge did not elaborate on her rationale for denying the admission into evidence of one buttock but not the other. Legal experts speculate that since the person who injected Bonds was most likely right-handed, needle marks on the left buttock may not be probative.
"If this were China or Cuba," the Judge wrote, "both buttocks would be admitted into court. But in the United States, our legal system has protections in place for certain parts of the body, and the prosecutor has failed to make a case for bringing Bonds' left buttock before the jury.
"But his right buttock cheek?" the Judge asked rhetorically. "Guilty. Guilty as hell, all the way."
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